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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you say this was a forced marriage

116 replies

namechangeonceagain0 · 14/11/2018 09:47

I'd been with my now husband for 5 years before we got married. I was perfectly happy and expressed clearly that I did not want to get married. I fell pregnant, and after I had our baby, he booked an appointment at the registry office to book our marriage without telling me. He then told me he had booked it and I made him cancel it but then he rebooked it and got very hot tempered when I challenged him about it.

He is from Asian culture, and he said that his Mum is not accepting us as a family because we are not married and because we have a baby, it is even worse. So I went ahead and married him... even though I love him to the bones, I just don't know why I didn't want to get married? I resented him for months after. Every argument, I always bring up that he was the one who forced me to marry him etc and he explicitly denies ever forcing me.

I still feel really upset that it has happened. I don't even remember our marriage anniversary! I only know the month and don't know until he gets me a card and flowers wishing us a happy anniversary

I really resent his family for making him think that us not being married is a sin! I really do. I understand that's how their culture works, but I am obviously expected to follow it to keep everyone happy.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:07

OP's marriage was not forced. Sounds like she was emotionally blackmailed into it though.

Look at the definition of Forced Marriage!!!

HowYouHoldingUp · 14/11/2018 11:08

PurpleDaisies

No, not the definition of forced marriage.
Which definition are you using?

The legal version.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:09

The legal version.

Would you post it here?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 11:12

Is this only if you are marrying into another culture... being interviewed separately.. ?

I got married a couple of years ago, both British citizens, wedding in the UK. We had to give notice together minimum of 42 days prior, met registrar in their office, answer DOBs, addresses, job titles, any previous marriages, wedding plans, duration of relationship so far.

Then on the day we each had to meet the registrar separately before the ceremony and go through it all again. If either of us had expressed doubts they'd have called it off.

margotsdevil · 14/11/2018 11:13

You definitely do not have to be interviewed when posting notice! I got married in February this year and my DH handed in all forms at every stage. I met the registrar to plan the service but that was an optional meeting.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 11:13

I am also confused as to how and why the OP's husband managed to book the wedding without her there though. As has been said, it does need both of you there to do it.

That was true in my case. And the notice period is much longer than it used to be.

nosleepforme · 14/11/2018 11:13

In the UK each partner goes for a separate interview before a marriage license is approved, so if you were being forced it would likely come up then
Not to minimise the way you feel, but it doesn't quite sound like a forced marriage.
If this is the way you feel, tell dp! Tell him you still want a proposal and wedding your way even though you are legally married already. No reason you can't! He sounds like a lovely chap and you love him surely he could get down on one knee and ask you to be his wife forever (or something like that) with a ring (if you didn't get one) when you are ready. Sort of like not acknowledging the marriage just between the two of you. Any ceremony you have you could call a renewal of vows if you want, or just say you both wanted a big wedding.
I personally had a civil marriage and separate proposal and whole big proper wedding, although under different circumstances.

RiverTam · 14/11/2018 11:13

I'm not sure this is because I don't think the OP herself is from a background where she would be rejected as an unmarried or single mother. So the option to say 'fuck off, mate' and still be perfectly secure (via job, her own family support etc) was there all along.

However, I think you also need to examine your prejudices against being married - I actually don't think it's a good idea to go into parenthood unmarried. But that is a separate issue.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 11:14

She says she never wanted to get married at all nosleepforme not that she wanted a proposal or any of the romance stuff.

RiverTam · 14/11/2018 11:14

also, I got married 7 years ago and have no recollection of these individual interviews?

VaultDweller · 14/11/2018 11:15

We had to be interviewed separately when giving notice three years ago but not on our wedding day, both of us are British born citizens.

Racecardriver · 14/11/2018 11:16

@Purpledaisys you haven’t read into the context though. The example given for instance is very different from what the OP describes. If you don’t come from a culture where forced marriages occur I wouldn’t expect you to understand. The level of emotional pressure required for it to be a forced marriage is way way more that what is described in the OP. If we go with the provided example, the idea of bringing Shane on the family implies 1. A reliant relationship where children are reliant on their parents for emotional and financial support for instance and 2. An implicit threat, usually a threat that love/funds will be withdrawn or one of ostravisation. It’s similar to the level of emotional pressure that members of exclusive religious communities experience to leave. In the OPs example it’s not the leave of pressure to amount to force. It could be for example if the OP was extremely emotionally/materially reliant on the husband (e.g. he was the only person in the world who gave her any affection coupled with a mental health problem or she was reliant on him for financial support and could not access benefits, or he had been emotionally abusing her for an extended period to the point where she was in a weakened mental state and felt compelled to keep him happy coupled with a threat e.g. I won’t live you anymore, I will leave and never gone back etc. Grown adults are generally not susceptible to emotional force without some kind of inherent weakness or power imbalance at play.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 11:16

I'm interested in marriage meaning so much to him and his family but not bothering before cohabiting or having a child together.

It's like the posters who pop up saying they want to be proposed to and get married as they're traditional or religious, yet didn't mind when they were having sex, living together and making several babies.

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:17

He sounds like a lovely chap and you love him surely he could get down on one knee and ask you to be his wife forever

Yeah, those men who pressure their girlfriends into marrying them so their mum doesn’t feel shame are real keepers.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2018 11:18

Have you found that, since the marriage, your H has been more inclined to control and bully you? It's not unheard of for men (particularly men from 'traditional' woman-hating communities) to feel that once a woman has married them, they own her, and are entitled to treat her as something partway between a servant and a pet.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 11:18

also, I got married 7 years ago and have no recollection of these individual interviews?

That's because things have changed. It's like part of border control now. Nothing romantic about being quizzed on your partner's birthdate and job title in am office papered with warnings about not trying to defraud the state by attempting a sham marriage.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 14/11/2018 11:19

I got married 4 years ago and we definitely had separate interviews. We were both born in the uk and are from the same culture. We talked to the registrar about this ( because we're nosey buggers!) and she told us it was because we live in an area where there are a large number of forced marriages and people marrying for visas so they'd introduced a blanket policy of separate interviews.

VenusClapTrap · 14/11/2018 11:21

a forced marraige is downplaying the fate of teenage girls who have no choice as to who they marry.

^This. You say you love your husband. I suggest you read up on some experiences of those who have genuinely experienced forced marriages.

AnoukSpirit · 14/11/2018 11:21

1)A person commits an offence under the law of England and Wales if he or she—
(a)uses violence, threats or any other form of coercion for the purpose of causing another person to enter into a marriage, and

Any other form of coercion.

That is what the law says.

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2014/12/section/121/enacted

Some of the "you could have said no" bullshit on this thread appears when women describe sexual assaults that don't conform to the "stranger in an alley with a knife at your throat" myth.

It's ignorant and disgusting.

AnoukSpirit · 14/11/2018 11:26

Lots of abuse victims also say they love their abusers. Doesn't mean they're not being abused, just means the human condition is complex.

What the fuck is wrong with some of you.

Just because you consider marriage positive, doesn't mean the op has to be grateful she was coerced into something she didn't want. Would you tell a rape victim she should be grateful because her rapist was attractive and you wish you could have sex with him? It's not about any of you, it's about the op.

Consent is only legally valid if it is given freely without pressure or coercion. That applies just the same to sexual acts, medical procedures, and marriage.

Faultymain5 · 14/11/2018 11:29

This ^^^

Craft1905 · 14/11/2018 11:30

*1)A person commits an offence under the law of England and Wales if he or she—
(a)uses violence, threats or any other form of coercion for the purpose of causing another person to enter into a marriage, and

Any other form of coercion.

That is what the law says.*

So if he'd said "marry me or I won't buy you that brand new Porsche you want, you'll just get a new Mercedes instead" and she went along with it, because she really wanted the Porsche, that's forced marriage??

After all, it's a form of coercion!

Faultymain5 · 14/11/2018 11:32

Coercion: the action or practice of persuading someone to do something by using force or threats.

Bribery: the giving or offering of a bribe

Helped you out with your definitions

PurpleDaisies · 14/11/2018 11:33

*If you don’t come from a culture where forced marriages occur I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
How patronising. I used to teach in a secondary school where our girls were at high risk of being whisked off somewhere and coming back married.

I’m not shortsighted enough to to think that that’s the only place that forced marriages occur.

The op hasn’t said much about the level of pressure that she was under, only that she was put under pressure. This could have been a forced marriage.

Thesearmsofmine · 14/11/2018 11:36

@BlaaBlaaBlaa

Interesting, I also live in this kind of area and we had the separate interview. I just figured it was the same everywhere.

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