Would you say this was a forced marriage

[namechangeonceagain0]

I'd been with my now husband for 5 years before we got married. I was perfectly happy and expressed clearly that I did not want to get married. I fell pregnant, and after I had our baby, he booked an appointment at the registry office to book our marriage without telling me. He then told me he had booked it and I made him cancel it but then he rebooked it and got very hot tempered when I challenged him about it.

He is from Asian culture, and he said that his Mum is not accepting us as a family because we are not married and because we have a baby, it is even worse. So I went ahead and married him... even though I love him to the bones, I just don't know why I didn't want to get married? I resented him for months after. Every argument, I always bring up that he was the one who forced me to marry him etc and he explicitly denies ever forcing me.

I still feel really upset that it has happened. I don't even remember our marriage anniversary! I only know the month and don't know until he gets me a card and flowers wishing us a happy anniversary

I really resent his family for making him think that us not being married is a sin! I really do. I understand that's how their culture works, but I am obviously expected to follow it to keep everyone happy.

Millions of people get married because of inheritance tax issues, or spouses pension rights, or loads of other financial / legal issues. All of these could be described technically, as a form of coercion. If you're unmarried, and your partner ends up in a coma, unless you get married, you'll have no say in their treatment, which will be decided by their next of kin. That's coercion.

Are all these people the victim of forced marriages??? I don't think so.

I should also add to my above post that I did not work in an very ethnically mixed area. However we regularly had specific training on these issues because it was recognised that some of the gangs organising sham marriages for money were targeting more rural areas because they thought they would be easier to fool. We were very aware of these issues, and I have interviewed several brides intensively to be absolutely sure they wished to marry, understood what was happening and had sufficient language skills for the marriage to be valid.

On a side note I once nearly had to refuse to marry a person because they were (ahem!) well refreshed!

Plenty of marriages could be considered forced using the loose definition of emotional pressure. What about one of a couple who is keener to get married who issues an ultimatum - marry me or I’m leaving? Is that forced? What about one of a couple who keeps asking and grinds the other down until they say yes? I imagine for a marriage to be considered forced the emotional pressure would have to be severe. The op hasn’t come back to clarify what she meant by him being hot-headed so it’s impossible for anyone to comment.
I agree that ‘bringing shame on the family’ is generally a threat issued by a bride to be’s own family and comes with the fear of violence, withdrawal of financial support or being disowned. I’m not sure the fear of pissing off the mil would be quite the same. If she is happy for her son to marry outside of his culture it sounds like she is just a bit traditional about having a baby outside marriage which many of the older generation are across cultures.

My experience of the interview process was that is really wasn’t at all stringent (I am forgein and married my British husband in Britain). My husband an I gave different answers to one of the questions so the registrar let me go into the other room where my husband was so I could ask him for the ‘correct’ answer. This was in London.

@possumgoddess it really 100% is not the case that the OP must have been interviewed.

I wasn't in February. Registry office wedding. It does sound like the interview is a local thing - I'm in Scotland.

Apologies if my facts are incorrect - I wonder if it is an English thing?

I was specifically asked whether I was marrying as a free choice or whether I was under pressure to do so. Registry office wedding in the last 5 years.

Maybe registry and religious weddings are different but I got married in a church within the last 5-10 years and didn't do any of this! We had to have our banns read in the local churches but we didn't even have to go to the bann readings. We had sort of an informal chat (together) with the vicar about what marriage meant and to ensure we understood it was a legally binding agreement etc but no formal interviews.
If the OP had a religious wedding maybe the interviews didn't apply?

I hate it when OP starts a worrying or dramatic thread then just disappears

I’m really tired of this idea that women don’t have to speak up and express their opinion when they have a choice Absent significant physical or financial coercion, this is not a forged marriage.

Did he force your signature on booking the register office?

I'm a Registrar in England, in an area which has traditionally had a large number of sham marriages as it happens. Marriage law (as other areas of law) is different in Scotland and Northern Ireland. In England and Wales couples who are planning a civil marriage (register office or other place licensed for marriage, e.g. hotel, country house) and some who are having a religious marriage have to attend the register office in their area of residence to give notice of marriage. They attend in person a minimum of 28 days before the marriage is due to take place, and are interviewed briefly together and then separately. This is the case no matter which part of England or Wales they live in. Separate interviews, amongst other things, give each person the chance to ask questions without the presence of the other person, and the registrar a chance to pick up on any suggestion that it may be either a sham or a forced marriage. They are two completely different things of course. There is a particuar organisation that registrars can report suspicions of forced marriage to which can provide support and advice to the 'forced' person.

I've been a registrar for about 6 years and have only come across two cases of possible forced marriage. In one case the couple were in their seventies. The bride was visibly distressed when I spoke to her on her own and told me she saw the groom as a 'gentleman friend' and really didn't want to marry him (she wanted to safeguard inheritance for her children among other things) but that he had strongly pressurised her into booking the wedding. She was also frightened of his temper and what his family would think if she backed out of the marriage. She ended up cancelling the wedding booking.

Maybe registry and religious weddings are different but I got married in a church within the last 5-10 years and didn't do any of this!

We had a Catholic Church wedding 2 years ago and still had to attend the office where you register births etc to give notice. The chat with the Priest has nothing to do with the legal process of getting married, we also had to do that too! I'm not sure how you got married without attending a formal meeting separate to the church, maybe the process has changed in recent years?

cadburysflake If you live in England or Wales, are British or a national of an EEA county and are having a marriage ceremony in a CofE of CiW church, you don't have to give notice of marriage via the registration service. It's done via banns instead. You do have to give notice of marriage via the registration service if you marry in a church of a different nomination (e.g. Catholic, Baptist), or one of you is not British/European.

You say that he is "from Asian culture" - but you are not? I assume you are not living in "Asia" so why are you letting him and his "culture" prevail?

You explain: "I understand that's how their culture works, but I am obviously expected to follow it to keep everyone happy..."

And there's the rub - YOU have to keep everyone happy.

Because you are a woman, right?

I think when you say the word 'forced' people are imagining being physically forced or blackmailed and threatened into marriage type scenario.

It is definitely clear that you were co-erced into marriage and maybe made to feel like you had no other choice. This is a much subtler situation with a lot of grey area. I think you feel angry that this choice was effectively taken out of your hands (in your mind at least).