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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU or my DH? Really need objective opinions!

105 replies

Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 00:07

DH and I met at university and were both in equally good professional jobs until I had my DD. At this point, we both felt uncomfortable leaving her with a nanny/nursery and we're lucky enough to be able to live on a single income, so I (happily) became a SAHM. She is now six and we also now have a DD2 who is 1. I have been a full time parent for the past 6 years and DH has worked hard in a stressful job that provides very well for our family. I have felt over the last couple of years that I'd really like to return to work but with DD2 arriving I decided to wait.

My husband is now changing jobs and will get a couple of months off as gardening leave. I have suggested that I could do short term project work during this time (if I can find any at short notice and after a 6 year career break!) whilst he cares for the kids and he has replied 'no, get a nanny'. I am almost sure he has said this thinking I won't actually get a nanny and so he's off the hook.

I have decided that I will indeed get a nanny and return to work (and can't wait to call his bluff on that). However, regardless of what happens, I'm incensed by his unwillingness to support me in taking a step back into work without having to leave the kids with someone new/sorting out a nanny. Also feel like he doesn't care for what would make me happy or my wish to have a family and career just like he does. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsStrowman · 14/11/2018 00:12

I'm not sure about this you were happy to be a SAHP and you chose that, maybe it's not what he wants. It really really wouldn't be for me and if you can afford the nanny, great. He could sort out the arrangements though. I'm not sure advice should be forced to be a SAHP against their will, male or female.

BackforGood · 14/11/2018 00:16

Of course he is BU.
Although, maybe big life decisions like this might be better received as part of longer termed thinking and considering and suggestion thoughts, rather than what seems to have been a 'one conversation out of the blue'.

Original poster
Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 00:19

He definitely wanted me to be a SAHP to our DD and since I wanted to do that too it wasn't really an issue. I just don't see why he wouldn't take on that role even for a few weeks when he wanted me to do it full time, but yes I agree it wouldn't be a good idea to try to force anyone to care for kids!

OP posts:
moredoll · 14/11/2018 00:22

I think YABU a tiny little bit. You say he has worked hard in a stressful job for several years and now has gardening leave. Presumably he will spend time with the children anyway, but wants some time to relax and refresh? This would be impossible while looking after a baby. It's only because he earns so well that he's able to do this. Don't be incensed - if he didn't earn so much that he can afford to take a couple of months off you'd have to go back to work to support the family while he was between jobs.

But I do agree that you should get a nanny and return to work. As you're in a position to pay well it won't be a problem to find someone good. I hope you find something suitable in your field. If you have difficulty finding work it's worth considering voluntary work in a relevant role.

RavenWings · 14/11/2018 00:22

If you can afford the nanny, I don't see it as a major issue. Both of you will get what you want - he gets his leave, you get to hopefully return to project work. Seems like a sensible idea and then it provides a pathway for you to get back to work. After all he'd only be on leave for a few months, there would have to be childcare put in place.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:29

Can't 1yo go to nursery for some hours a day?

I'm not sure I understand someone who doesn't want to take this precious, maybe never to be had again, time?

Doesn't he want to have his DC around? Dc1 is at school anyway. I wouldn't be impressed at all.
Nothing wrong with having a nanny, but why have DC when you don't actually want to be a parent...ergh!

SuchAToDo · 14/11/2018 00:42

Your husband probably wants to keep working (to keep your family's income coming in)...that is probably why he doesn't want to stay with the kids,...if you both are working, it's two incomes minus nanny fee....if only you is working it's just your wage....

Plenty of people leave their kids with a nanny/baby sitter /nursery etc when they go out to work so your husband isn't doing anything wrong to suggest it, he has suggested a sensible childcare option that leaves you both free to work

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2018 00:50

Hmm. Do you think your H is resistant to the idea of you returning to work in general, or is it just that he doesn't want to be in sole charge of DC during his time off? Some men are bit too fond of the idea of their female partners being the SAHP because they think that means the woman will also be obliged to take care of all the domestic shitwork (as she isn't 'working') and be constantly 'grateful' to her lord and master for bringing in the money.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 00:58

He wanted you to do something he's not prepared to, even for a few weeks???

This is worrying. Why on earth would he expect that whe n he wouldn't of himself?

I am thinking now that he doesn't want you working, as it might be a threat to him.

It's not his job, it women's work? Maybe? Do you think?

ILoveAutum · 14/11/2018 01:06

Wow. So he’s ended up with gardening leave, you WANT to work, and he won’t even take a short term ‘turn’ at being a SAHD so you can do this with less stress and not piss money up the wall on a nanny while he fannies about in his boxers for 2 months...ask him WHY he doesn’t want to be with his kids

ElseSmelsa · 14/11/2018 01:06

"get a nanny" or "Let's get a nanny"? That's where the difference between reasonable and not lies, in my opinion.

missperegrinespeculiar · 14/11/2018 01:13

Gosh, YANBU, he does not want to do it even for two months? selfish with respect to you, and also a little worrying that he does not want to have the experience of looking after his kids as main carer

sure, I agree nobody should be forced to be a SAHP, but we are talking two months here...

mantlepiece · 14/11/2018 01:14

My first thought is wondering why you don’t look upon the gardening leave as a great opportunity to spend some time together. Is he hurt that you don’t want to spend time with him and that coloured his reaction?

Rachelover40 · 14/11/2018 01:22

That's a good point, mantlepiece.

I thought maybe he would not be happy at being home on his own with young children, plenty of people are like that, both sexes, they don't always want to admit it. Two months is quite a long time.

If you really do want to go back to work, do so and hire a nanny.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 01:26

Gosh, one is already out all day at school and the other can do nursery to fit around him. It will be far healthier mixing with others than getting a nanny in.

Who are these parents who dont want to parent?!?

Shriek · 14/11/2018 01:28

You make out like you don't like kids...jeez
.is it a chore spending time with your own DC. It's a small window?! An opportunity for OP to get a contract in while she can.
If he wanted her to spend the time with him, he could say that...he's a big boy!

StoppinBy · 14/11/2018 01:48

He is being unfair. I too gave up work to be a SAHM and we both wanted it, what I didn't anticipate was how much I would miss work. If my hubby had a few months off and refused to 'mind his own children' so I could go back to work for a few months I would be really upset.

You gave up your career and continue to do so to raise the children you both had but he can't be a full time Dad for a few months??

SmashedPatsy · 14/11/2018 02:41

There could be any number of explanations.

Maybe he doesn't want to be a SAHP; it's not for everyone.
Maybe he was looking forward to having time off from his stressful career and having a mental break that he probably won't be afforded again for years.
Maybe he was looking forward to quality time with you and is acting out now that you apparently don't want that
Maybe he thinks that a nanny is fine on a short terms basis.
Or maybe he is being an unsupportive asshole for no real reason.

I think you'd benefit from an open conversation with him rather than stewing on it.

Original poster
Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 03:25

Thank you all! Really appreciate the different perspectives.

OP posts:
GoatFinger · 14/11/2018 03:28

What a dilemma.
Is he Mr banks from Mary Poppins? Does he pat them on the head then send them off to bed. Delightful is the life he leads.

Useasinnertofind · 14/11/2018 04:32

Just get a Nanny.

bgmama · 14/11/2018 07:36

Come on OP, assuming you DC1 attended reception, you've had a year before DC2 came along to get some project work etc. Why don't you want your DH to have some free time, same as you had? This is of course as long as your DH pulls his weight at home after work and during weekends.

swingofthings · 14/11/2018 07:51

I don't get it. You say that you were happy to be a sahm but then make it sound like you sacrificed yourself to benefit him and that therefore now that you want to work, he should make sacrifices himself to justify yours.

You wanted to be a sahm he wanted to work, you both did what you wanted. You now wants to work and he doesn't want to be a sahd ft.

I wouldn't be angry in that situation as long as he still got paid, helped towards the cost of the nanny AND still made sure to use this time to spend more time with the children and you.

Smellyrose · 14/11/2018 07:59

I understand your frustration, but you were happy to be a SAHM when it suited you so you can’t expect DH to do it now you’ve decided to return to work - that wasn’t the agreement.

If he hasn’t already found a job his gardening leave will be used for networking, interviews, etc - that’s all a lot less difficult to arrange if he isn’t the sole carer for the children during that time.

It seems that his gardening leave would be the perfect time to get a nanny in - it wouldn’t be such a huge change for the kids because Dad will be around to keep an eye on things, and if the first nanny doesn’t work put DH can do some childcare while you look for a replacement.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 14/11/2018 08:01

Maybe he knows sahp is bloody tough!!
And he won't manage!!

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