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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU or my DH? Really need objective opinions!

105 replies

Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 00:07

DH and I met at university and were both in equally good professional jobs until I had my DD. At this point, we both felt uncomfortable leaving her with a nanny/nursery and we're lucky enough to be able to live on a single income, so I (happily) became a SAHM. She is now six and we also now have a DD2 who is 1. I have been a full time parent for the past 6 years and DH has worked hard in a stressful job that provides very well for our family. I have felt over the last couple of years that I'd really like to return to work but with DD2 arriving I decided to wait.

My husband is now changing jobs and will get a couple of months off as gardening leave. I have suggested that I could do short term project work during this time (if I can find any at short notice and after a 6 year career break!) whilst he cares for the kids and he has replied 'no, get a nanny'. I am almost sure he has said this thinking I won't actually get a nanny and so he's off the hook.

I have decided that I will indeed get a nanny and return to work (and can't wait to call his bluff on that). However, regardless of what happens, I'm incensed by his unwillingness to support me in taking a step back into work without having to leave the kids with someone new/sorting out a nanny. Also feel like he doesn't care for what would make me happy or my wish to have a family and career just like he does. AIBU?

OP posts:
Firesuit · 14/11/2018 09:42

Him being a SAHP is not the same as her being a SAHP if being a SAHP was a dream for her but is a nightmare for him.

If he was never at any point signed up to the idea of being a SAHP then there's no reason he should be when it suits her. From the sound of it, her earnings would more than have covered childcare, so her being a SAHP was her preference over childcare. He may also have preferred it, but that doesn't mean his second-best option was him doing it.

buckeejit · 14/11/2018 09:47

agree with Else - its the 'get a nanny' vs 'lets get a nanny?' that's the issue.

I'd get a shortlist and ensure he is involved in interviewing etc. Good luck!

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 09:48

But no one is asking him to be SAHP!!!
He is basically asked what a lot of fathers do. Look after their dcs for a short while.
Granted usually it wouod be a weekend whilst the mother works (or a couple days during the week whilst having different shifts).

But it’s only for two months. Not years and years. Not him stopping work or anything like this.

You can’t compare the two.

Besides, is he not supposed to jump at the opportunity to be able to spend time with his children, time he rarely has normally when he is working such long hours?? Is he not suppose to WANT to spend time with his dcs rather than ‘farm them’ to a nanny/nursery? Is it not better for them to be with a parent at home?
You know all the things he probably said when he said he thought the dcs should be with the OP at home rather than a nanny....
It very much feels like all that I see ok and good when it’s the OP doing it but not him. Little thought for the children there me think....

RedSkyLastNight · 14/11/2018 09:50

You jointly agreed that having the children at home with a parent was the bets thing for them.

Except that OP has now changed her mind about this, if she hopes to go back to work, so unless she's expecting her DH to be a full time SAHP the children will be in childcare soon anyway.

adaline · 14/11/2018 09:56

I agree with those who think he might be upset that you don't want to take the opportunity to spend some time as a family. You say he works hard and long hours - he finally has two months off and the first thing you want to do is get out of the house and away from him (in his eyes).

DaffoDeffo · 14/11/2018 09:58

I think it's a massive massive massive leap to assume he doesn't want to look after the children and doesn't want to support you and doesn't want to consider what makes you happy!

all he has said is (from your OP) if you are going back to work, get a nanny for the children

I would have assumed the following from that

  1. He's in a stressful job (as you've said) and has a few months off before going back to said stressful job and wants to do stuff in that time rather than being the full time carer of the dcs and I cannot see what's wrong with that
  1. If you get a job in that time, it's very likely that it won't exactly match his gardening leave therefore it's worth getting the nanny in place to cover that eventuality
  1. I would assume that you going back to work needs a further discussion about how the two of you would manage that rather than you assuming he doesn't want you to be happy!
LastOneDancing · 14/11/2018 10:05

I don't think he's BU not to want to be a full time carer while on gardening leave, but personally I'd be very wary if my DH 1) didn't want to do ANY care for our children, and 2) was putting up obstacles for me to return to work.
In fact nothing would make me more keen to get myself a job and some independence so I could run away

The devil is in the detail here - if he's not going to help with the kids, what IS he going to do? Is he going to take on any of the house dross (meal planning, shopping, school run) or is that going to remain yours too? Is he supportive of you going to work & if not, why?

You need a big talk with him OP. Don't let him squash you.

pumpkinpie01 · 14/11/2018 10:06

@AnneLovesGilbert but did he say ' no please don't do that I was hoping we could have some holidays/great days out I was really looking forward to us spending time together' I presume he didnt as Op did not mention that his initial reaction was 'get a nanny.'

Tinty · 14/11/2018 10:07

I agree with those who think he might be upset that you don't want to take the opportunity to spend some time as a family. You say he works hard and long hours - he finally has two months off and the first thing you want to do is get out of the house and away from him (in his eyes)

But he didn't say no I would like to spend some time with you and the DC for my two months before I go back to work.

What he effectively said was I want two months off to do bugger all, I'm not bothered whether you go back to work or not but I don't want to be stuck looking after the kids.

He was quite happy to be on two months gardening leave as long as his wife is still at home looking after the DC if she's not then someone else can do it, because he's not going to.

flossieisbossy · 14/11/2018 10:09

I am with your husband on this
Give him a break
You have changed the goal posts and expect him to do what you want

longwayoff · 14/11/2018 10:10

YABU. Not everyone's up to full time childcare, parent or not. Why would you want to leave your children with a resentful carer? Get a nanny as he suggests.

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:11

Give him a break

He’s getting two months of paid leave, that’s a pretty good break already!

adaline · 14/11/2018 10:13

What he effectively said was I want two months off to do bugger all, I'm not bothered whether you go back to work or not but I don't want to be stuck looking after the kids.

He didn't say that though, did he? He said if you want to go back to work, you need to organise childcare. Which makes sense - at the moment, OP does the childcare. She's planning on changing that by going back to work, so surely an alternative needs to be organised?

I mean, OP says she's planning on returning to work soon anyway. So unless she's going to force her husband into the role of a SAHP, childcare needs to be organised anyway, doesn't it?

flossieisbossy · 14/11/2018 10:14

Yes 53rdWay and I bet its the first time he has , let him enjoy it

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:16

So when does the OP get two months off work and childcare to enjoy it?

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:17

I do think there’s a significant difference between “we need to organise childcare” and “you need to organise childcare”.

Pickupthephone · 14/11/2018 10:19

Hm, this is a tricky one. I’d be very put out if my DH said that - I’d take it as him saying that he doesn’t want to use this time to be a parent, he wants to spend it on himself.

But on the other hand, after years supporting you and your DC doing a stressful job, is that such an unreasonable position to take? And in logistical terms, given you’ll presumably need a nanny when he starts a new job, surely it makes sense for her to start while he’s off work?

Really I think it’s all in the nuance of what he said.

greendale17 · 14/11/2018 10:19

YABU

Maybe he doesn't want to be a SAHP; it's not for everyone.
Maybe he was looking forward to having time off from his stressful career and having a mental break that he probably won't be afforded again for years.

^I agree with this

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 10:20

If she wanted to go back to work, her first child starting school would have been a good time to look into her options.

From her DH's POV, she didn't want to until he was going to be on gardening leave. And she's said nothing about what her plans are after he's back in ft employment.

She was happy to be a SAHM, it's fine to want to change things, but I don't think it sounds like he's taking her plan of finding "a project" to fit the exact two months he's around very seriously and the find a nanny comment is a symptom of that. She hasn't worked pt or studied or volunteered since she had her first child and this seems to be completely out of the blue.

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 10:23

I bet its the first time he has , let him enjoy it
Whenis the OP going to have her nice two months to do whatever SHE wants?
She has t had that either and her role hasnt be that easy either has it? I mean she has been the cleaning lady, the cook, the housekeepe and the nanny. 7/7 and 365/365. I wouod be surprised if she ever got a few days off a year, let alone her 5 weeks holiday a year....
But somehow her DH should enjoy his two months break doing noth8ng.

One rule for one (or rather men), another for the other (or rather women)

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:29

She hasn't worked pt or studied or volunteered since she had her first child and this seems to be completely out of the blue.

She says: “I have felt over the last couple of years that I'd really like to return to work but with DD2 arriving I decided to wait.“ I’m guessing she talked that through a bit at least with him?

smithsally884 · 14/11/2018 10:32

Your DH has at no time said he wants to be a SAHP. You did. You were happy with it. Your DH bust his balls to support you in this choice,Now you have decided you want to work and decided your DH must be a SAHD against his wishes as well as still brining in the money.

YABU and selfish

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 10:37

But no one ever asked him to be a SAHP smith
He has been asked to look after his own dcs for TWO MONTHS. Hardly more than if he had been taking all his holiday of the year in one go (5~6 weeks).

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:38

You were happy with it. Your DH bust his balls to support you in this choice

Equally she’s been ‘busting her balls’ to support him in his choice, especially since he wanted her to be a SAHP. It is a lot easier to combine children and career if their other parent is at home full-time.

At the end of the day, they decided between them that her being a SAHP was the right choice. If she no longer wants to do that, then they’ll have to decide an alternative that works for both of them. It is reasonable for him to say “no I want my 2 months to pursue my cave-diving certification, let’s get childcare”, but it is not reasonable to say “you need to get childcare” because that’s effectively saying “childcare is entirely your job, not something we work out together.”

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 10:42

I’m guessing she talked that through a bit at least with him?

Well maybe, but she doesn't say so....

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