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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I BU or my DH? Really need objective opinions!

105 replies

Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 00:07

DH and I met at university and were both in equally good professional jobs until I had my DD. At this point, we both felt uncomfortable leaving her with a nanny/nursery and we're lucky enough to be able to live on a single income, so I (happily) became a SAHM. She is now six and we also now have a DD2 who is 1. I have been a full time parent for the past 6 years and DH has worked hard in a stressful job that provides very well for our family. I have felt over the last couple of years that I'd really like to return to work but with DD2 arriving I decided to wait.

My husband is now changing jobs and will get a couple of months off as gardening leave. I have suggested that I could do short term project work during this time (if I can find any at short notice and after a 6 year career break!) whilst he cares for the kids and he has replied 'no, get a nanny'. I am almost sure he has said this thinking I won't actually get a nanny and so he's off the hook.

I have decided that I will indeed get a nanny and return to work (and can't wait to call his bluff on that). However, regardless of what happens, I'm incensed by his unwillingness to support me in taking a step back into work without having to leave the kids with someone new/sorting out a nanny. Also feel like he doesn't care for what would make me happy or my wish to have a family and career just like he does. AIBU?

OP posts:
53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:43

Well she doesn’t say she didn’t, either, so you can’t reasonably assume this has come “out of the blue” for him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 10:45

I have decided that I will indeed get a nanny and return to work (and can't wait to call his bluff on that).

I'd say communication probably isn't great between based on this ^

flossieisbossy · 14/11/2018 10:45

53rd & MyBrexit that's not the argument though is it

Seaweed42 · 14/11/2018 10:47

I would say this is not true "he doesn't care for what would make me happy or my wish to have a family and career just like he does"
It's more like he would say "I actually find minding the kids boring and tedious and frustrating and there's no bloody way I'm doing that all day. I've worked bloody hard the past 6 years and I'm taking my few weeks off to do with as I please".
I would consider getting a nanny part time and get your DH to look after them part of time. Then this transition would be in place when he goes back to work and you can then get full time/regular part time work.

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:51

Mmm, true that communication does seem to be something of an issue. But it still seems rather a leap to conclude that he didn’t know anything about the return to work she’s been wanting for two years.

It is definitely worth tackling the communication issue around this whatever the result, because if they start using paid childcare then that’s going to have an impact on him too, practically even if not financially. So he needs to have an active role in decisions and planning here. Saying “no, get a nanny” suggests that he isn’t prepared to do that, and may suggest that he still thinks childcare is 100% her responsibility even if it’s outsourced, which is not going to be fair on her if she’s always the one who needs to take over when the childcare falls through, child is ill, etc.

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:53

flossieisbossy yes, childcare/work arrangements is what they’re arguing about!

flossieisbossy · 14/11/2018 10:57

but they are not discussing when the OP can have two months off are they 53rd ? That's a different subject

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 10:59

It’s a relevant response to your post, flossie, which was that she needs to ‘give him a break’. He’s getting a two-month break, she isn’t.

pumpkinpie01 · 14/11/2018 10:59

Would you actually want to leave the kids with a nanny just for 2 months?! Just as the children are bonding with her she will be gone again ,surely best to spend time with their own father.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/11/2018 11:00

I am almost sure he has said this thinking I won't actually get a nanny and so he's off the hook

Arrange a work project for yourself. He wants a nanny? He can sort out a nanny.

What is he planning to do for 2 months? Sit around in his pants?

Original poster
Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 11:04

Thank you all for taking the time to help me, those who have understood my thinking and those who have shown me other points of view. One thing I have realised is that there are lots of very valid ways of looking at this that I had not previously thought of, and I agree that DH and I need to communicate better on this. The truth is that we have both worked hard over the years to do the best for our lovely girls (as parents do!) and hopefully some calm conversations and a problem solving approach will help us forwards.

OP posts:
flossieisbossy · 14/11/2018 11:10

53rd give him a break as in let him do what he wants to do
OP is doing what she wants to do …………...................................Jesus wept

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 14/11/2018 11:13

He's not going to be a SAHP, it's only a couple of months.

If you continued as you are, OP, what would he be doing during those two months? Leaving all the childcare and housework to you while he did whatever he wanted with all that time?

Of course he is BU. He thinks he's superior to you.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/11/2018 11:14

Though it may not be directly relevant to OP's situation, those of you saying the H wants to 'spend time as a family' might consider that a lot of men who say that actually mean 'you must continue doing all the shitwork and service my dick more often while I'm at home, as well...'

justonemoreminutepls · 14/11/2018 11:14

honestly can't believe how many people are saying yabu as his job was so stressful etc.

He's getting gardening leave. GREAT.
Yes you were happy to be sahm and now after 6 years, you'd like to get back to work - completely understandable. He has some time off and should be picking up with the kids and those duties.

Honestly this angers me so much. WHY does it fall upon the women.

If a women had a couple of months off and the husband went back to work in those months, you would all be SLATING her if she got a nanny!!

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 11:19

give him a break as in let him do what he wants to do

They have children, so neither of them can just ‘do what they want to do’ for two months without some kind of consultation with the other one. Because somebody needs to look after the kids. OP is not doing what she wants to do either, because... somebody needs to look after the kids.

You don’t get the kind of ‘break’ where you get to live without responsibilities for two months when you have young children at home. You just don’t.

Bluetrews25 · 14/11/2018 12:09

Find a nursery. (No worries about an individual going off sick, more social interaction and learning collaborative play and sharing etc.)
Get yourself a job and keep it, for your own self esteem and self worth.
Take note of who has to do all the thankless time consuming jobs - organising, childcare sorting, housework, planning. If you still have to be 100% housekeeper and home runner, then have a good think about your position, as you have thrown out little clues that you are not so happy in this life / relationship as you could be.
Empower yourself - get back out there.

RedSkyLastNight · 14/11/2018 12:15

If a women had a couple of months off and the husband went back to work in those months, you would all be SLATING her if she got a nanny!!
Not at all. Actually if a woman posted that she wanted a break between very stressful jobs and wanted to get a nanny to take some of the pressure off, there would be a chorus of posts telling her to go for it and that mental health was very important.
Same as when SAHMs put their children in childcare.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 13:48

The poor kids, DM goes, DC routine completely tipped up, a stranger arrives to take over, poor DC, df avoids their care, poor dc

I just don't get what parent wants to avoid this opportunity to spend time with their DC?

It may never come again.

Why doesn't anyone see this as a completed break? It is. What could be better than outtings with DC, and play, and to take a part in their very young lives.

DC are a great way to remove yourself from work completely.

Its a huge time of change, and bringing in a stranger to the picture is even more change!

DM get yourself a contract and after DH established look at nanny. Stagger these things, not everything all at once for the DC.

Louiselouie0890 · 14/11/2018 13:51

Maybe it's nothing to do with any of that and he just wants a break.

Shriek · 14/11/2018 13:53

He's a big boy, he can say what he wants can't he??
Unless hes become mentally unwell?

Shriek · 14/11/2018 14:00

@mrsstrowman
It's two months. Noones saying he'd have to be a sahd! It's two months, precisely for him to have an intellectual break! So perfect.
Put the DC first

LannieDuck · 14/11/2018 14:44

It sounds to me as if he sees the childcare as your job. He's expecting to have time off inbetween his jobs with nothing else changing (i.e. you still looking after the kids and doing all the housework).

Get thee back into employment (if that's what you want to do) and split the childcare/housework with him otherwise this will be the template for the next 10 years...

l12ngo · 15/11/2018 15:50

Tell him he can get a nanny. He can do the organising, interviews, checking references etc. Let him know you've got your project work to get on with, but you'll support his decision to get a nanny if he wants to get a bit of downtime in before his new job.

On the positive side, if he does get a nanny and it proves to work, there is the argument that when he goes back to work, you'll be able to continue employing the nanny and carry on with your project work (if that's what you want). I'd hold back that thought for now maybe though if you feel he's wanting to keep you at home as he may see it as an excuse to push for not getting a nanny.

Original poster
Thisoneisnottaken · 21/01/2019 20:49

I have so often contributed to threads and wanted to know what happened in the end, so just in case any of you are interested, I thought I would update. Following sound advice from many of you to communicate better, we agreed to split the time three ways: a few weeks for me to do whatever I choose, an equal number of weeks for DH to do as he chooses, and an equal number for us to do things together. I (by some miracle!) managed to find a short project in my line of work and am doing it right now. Thank you all for your words of advice.

OP posts:
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