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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I BU or my DH? Really need objective opinions!

105 replies

Thisoneisnottaken · 14/11/2018 00:07

DH and I met at university and were both in equally good professional jobs until I had my DD. At this point, we both felt uncomfortable leaving her with a nanny/nursery and we're lucky enough to be able to live on a single income, so I (happily) became a SAHM. She is now six and we also now have a DD2 who is 1. I have been a full time parent for the past 6 years and DH has worked hard in a stressful job that provides very well for our family. I have felt over the last couple of years that I'd really like to return to work but with DD2 arriving I decided to wait.

My husband is now changing jobs and will get a couple of months off as gardening leave. I have suggested that I could do short term project work during this time (if I can find any at short notice and after a 6 year career break!) whilst he cares for the kids and he has replied 'no, get a nanny'. I am almost sure he has said this thinking I won't actually get a nanny and so he's off the hook.

I have decided that I will indeed get a nanny and return to work (and can't wait to call his bluff on that). However, regardless of what happens, I'm incensed by his unwillingness to support me in taking a step back into work without having to leave the kids with someone new/sorting out a nanny. Also feel like he doesn't care for what would make me happy or my wish to have a family and career just like he does. AIBU?

OP posts:

RedSkyLastNight · 14/11/2018 08:04

I can't see anything wrong with DH's stance.
If OP said she wanted to didn't want to a SAHP but her DH was forcing her to, there would be an outcry.
Money doesn't appear to be an issue, so why not pay out for childcare? It's not saying DH will never look after the DC or spend any time with them, just that he's (reasonably in my opinion) recognised that he's like to use some of his time off to de-stress before his next job.
Again, if OP had posted that she was between jobs, but feeling stressed and exhausted and was it ok to send her DC to childcare so she could have a break, everyone would tell her to go for it.

Bluntness100 · 14/11/2018 08:10

The thing is both of you were happyfor you to be a stay at home parent. It's not something you did against your will to support his career.

I couldn't be a stay at home parent either, and a couple of months off is a nice idea. It would be different if you couldn't afford a nanny and his refusal was stopping you going back to work, but that's not th case. You can go back to work and and have a nanny. There is no need to put him in this position.

However it's not that Easy to find work for such a short period, especially after such a long time out the work place. I'd focus on that first off and also look for a nanny simaltaeneously, it will need to be done before he finishes his current job, depending on if and when you get a new one.

OliviaStabler · 14/11/2018 08:11

I think you are being a tad unreasonable. Paid leave like gardening leave is rare and an amazing chance to take a break after years at a stressful job. I can completely see why he wants a nanny and not use that gift of time to be a stay at home Dad.

Jalf · 14/11/2018 08:14

Throwing another angle into this pot - one that I think my OH would face in this situation - your DH HAS to work, there’s no option here really, his income supports the household. He has a super stressful job and this new one will undoubtedly be too. So he’s got garden leave which you’ve not said if he “wants” the time off or not.

He may, just may, not want to be a SAHD because if he does do it, gets stuck in and enjoys it, he will end up being less satisfied with the job he HAS to go back to and resentment may breed straining the relationships.

He’s a man, IMO he wants to try to maintain the normal that has existed for 6 years - change is scary. He is likely to want to spend time chilling and with you all as a family. He also probably wants to to whatever he likes for at least a few of those weeks. Fair enough.

Just talk it through and ask him to explain his thoughts and, god forbid, feelings, about the situation. He may have a genuine if slightly illogical reason which doesn’t make him unreasonable in the slightest.

Good luck, and I hope you both get a resolution that suits both of you too

rubyontherocks · 14/11/2018 08:17

If returning to work is what you want, I think you need a better plan! Squeezing an attempt at project work into 2 fixed months is too much pressure for you all.

I would suggest talking to him in-depth about a plan that works longer-term for the family. Consider the finances, domestic work and childcare. Then, if he is unsupportive, is time to demand more from him.

Inniu · 14/11/2018 08:20

My DH has 2 periods of gardening leave. He also works hard in a very stressful role that allowed me to be a SAHM. It also allowed me to return to work in a low paid but very fulfilling job while employing a nanny for after school.
DH used the leave for time to relax and to explore his options. Yes he spent time with the children, I think the nanny felt aBut in the way those days but he wasn’t tied to them so could go climb mountain if he wanted to.

Talk to your husband. Discuss both your options. Can you both do what you want. Garden leave is usually fully paid so he shouldn’t need to be a SAHP.

Ethel80 · 14/11/2018 08:22

For those saying that the OP's husband might want some time off after working so hard in his stressful job, what about the OP?
It's not like raising kids isn't tiring and stressful. She may have chosen to stay at home but that doesn't make it any easier.

When's her chance to do what she wants? From some of the comments, it seems that he is more important than the OP because he's been earning the money.

It does seem odd to pay out huge amounts for a nanny if he's around for a couple of months. And would the OP even get a nanny at short notice for a fixed period?

recraft · 14/11/2018 08:28

Perhaps he's looking forward to family time, both of you enjoying the break together. If you're going to get a nanny, then you may as well do that once he starts his new job anyway.

Alfie190 · 14/11/2018 08:32

It sounds like an impractical idea anyway, a two month project would have to come up at just the right time and OP would need to secure it. I agree a better plan is required if the desire is to return to work.

It sounds like a lovely opportunity that not many people get to have two months as a family at home together without any money troubles as he has gardening leave and then starts new job. I would be making the most of it.

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 08:38

The issue I have is the fact he just said NO, no way wo even trying to understand why you wanted to do that.

I mean what you are asking him to do is basically be a father for 2 months.

What I am guessing from his reaction is that he was expecting to be able to be off the hook for two months, still not doing any parenting, cleaning etc etc whilst you carried on with wife and morher’s Duties.
Asking to actually step up and be more involved wasn’t in his plans....

I really think YANBU to want to go back to work OR take a nanny for those two months.
HIBU to expect to have two months off and not be more involved in family life during those two months, still only thinking about himself.

But you BOTH need to talk about what YOU wouod like to do, going back to work etc... and how this wouod be working (and yes I wouod also expect this wouod mean him stepping him up in his parenting duties, like it or not.

Fwiw you can’t force someone to do something he doesn’t want to do. But what we are talking about there isn’t just doing something. It’s been a parent. Since when is it ok for a father (or a mother for that matter) to opt out from parenting duties???

MyBrexitIsIll · 14/11/2018 08:44

Btw I am quite Happy to treat paid gardening leave as an extended holiday.
However, I wouod also expect a parent who is working full time to step,up in their parenting duties during a holiday, even more so an extended one.

I am going to guess that this never happened before (stressful job, tired, needs to rest, doesn’t know the routine etc etc all the usual stuf). And he certainly hadn’t even thought about the fact THIS TIME, he wouod need to step up....

His reaction imo says it all.
The ‘take a nanny then’ whilst thinking the OP wouod never do it shows a total lack of consideration for the op, her wishes and feelings.
It does show his unwillingness to change the organisation or to see her pov. A ‘I dare you’ attitude that would raise my back up (as it did to the OP’s btw) whilst not trying to understand where the OP is coming from.

I suspect there is more to it than what the OP says.

pacempercutiens · 14/11/2018 08:47

I think YANBU to want to go back to work.

But, I think YABU to make an issue out of this scenario before you even have a job.

SassitudeandSparkle · 14/11/2018 08:53

I think you are being slightly unreasonable here, and like Mantle my first thought was to wonder why you immediately want to work just when he's got a few months off and you could be together!

Have you discussed returning to work with your husband previously over the last few years? Because from what you've said on here, your husband hasn't said anything about not returning to work, just that you should arrange childcare - he's only off a few months, is it likely that you would get project work for that short time if you have no current contacts in your industry?

It's fine to want to go back to work, but I think there needs to be a bit more of a plan than you've got at the moment - it doesn't come across to me as you wanting to go back to work for that short period really, but that you were looking for some kind of acknowledgement or gesture from your DH that you could if you wanted to. From what you've said about your DH not being serious about the nanny comment (in your opinion) that didn't hit the spot and he may also think that it may not come off in that timeframe.

I just think you need a longer-term plan than you've got at the moment with a bit more concrete detail. Possibly a nanny as well, who knows but start working on the details!

trojanpony · 14/11/2018 08:53

He is getting gardening leave ( i.e. FT pay and no work)!!!!

Let him research, find and hire the fucking nanny if he can’t be bothered to parent.
He can also set up all the boost paperwork while he is at it.

Forget the “2 month project” I’d be using this as your window to go into FT work and then stay there. I’d also be questioning how much of a “team” you are...

happinessiseggshaped · 14/11/2018 08:58

I agree its very unlikely after 6 years out of work, with almost no notice, to be able to find short term work that exactly coincides with husband's gardening leave anyway. Same with childcare. You need to plan a year in advance to get a decent childcare place around here, have you looked into availability in your area?

Juells · 14/11/2018 09:02

I wouldn't like to be forced to be a SAHP if I didn't want to be.

JellyBears · 14/11/2018 09:07

I’m a nanny :) A nanny might be hard to find as your husband will be around on gardening leave and a lot of nannies don’t wants parents around. I actually took a job with dad in gardening leave, mum had 12 week old baby and had to go back to work so I came in. And it worked because he was off doing yoga and supervising their house renovations etc. And he was super respectful and nice 👍

Do you think your husband could be in the house and let the nanny get on with it or would he be interfering etc,?

Mix56 · 14/11/2018 09:08

He doesn't want to parent, which isn't necessarily not supporting your wish to return to work. Just thinking of himself.
Just get a Nanny & do what makes you happy

museumum · 14/11/2018 09:17

What’s he planning with his two months off? Was he going to spend any additional time with the kids? Do the school run? Did he expect to lounge around and have you wait on him?
How much childcare does he do? Is this not an amazing opportunity to spend time with them? Two months is not “being a sahp” really.

You need a big talk about going back to work and what childcare you will get for the next few years.

53rdWay · 14/11/2018 09:19

He wouldn’t be unreasonable to say “if you want to go back to work let’s get a nanny”. He is being unreasonable if he’s saying “if you want to go back to work then you sort out a nanny while I sit here with my feet up.”

MrsStrowman · 14/11/2018 09:20

@Shriek for me it's not that I don't want to parent, I don't want to be a SAHP I wouldn't find it intellectually challenging enough, I'd feel hemmed in, resentful and bored, that wouldn't be good for my family.

pumpkinpie01 · 14/11/2018 09:24

Im shocked that he hasnt jumped at the opportunity to spend more time with his children ? Does he not want to take the older one to school/pick them up ? Take the younger one the park/swimming ? I think its quite sad that he would prefer a nanny to come in and look after his DC.

InkyGrail · 14/11/2018 09:34

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Can't you allocate part-time hours to getting back into project work? Then you get to ease back into things and he still gets plenty of time to rest and recharge while on gardening leave.

Or does what you had in mind have to be a full-time thing?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2018 09:36

Im shocked that he hasnt jumped at the opportunity to spend more time with his children ?

He may be shocked he's finally got some time off and his wife doesn't want to spend time with him, or as a family all together.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 14/11/2018 09:42

Shocked at the responses on here.

You are completely not being one tiny bit unreasonable to be shocked by his response.

You jointly agreed that having the children at home with a parent was the bets thing for them. You agreed to make that sacrifice on behalf of the family despite you both having had similar earning potential. Now 6 years in, you have an opportunity to attempt to dip you toe into the water of returning to work without complicating teh lives of your daughters while offering your husband the neat opportunity to share the parenting load without compromising his career. You have already given up probably more than you anticipated and your career will have suffered irreparably.

If you can, try to talk this through in a way that allows your DH to see how this response frames his view of the sacrifice you have made. If he cannot see that he has made an error of judgement in his response and is not willing to rethink his view of family roles then think about what you want your future to look like and find a way to carve it out.

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