to let my DD get what she wants?

[ButtontopBakery]

Hi all. I have four teenage DC (13 and 14 yo boys, 16 and 19 yo girls)

My 16yo DD is turning 17 next year early January and is not into clothes, make-up, music ect. like my other three DC. She's a sweet girl with a very kind personality. Loves animals. She doesn't act her age and acts around 11-12 but can be very mature at times. She also has ASD and GAD and was only diagnosed when she was 14 when her mental health worsened and she became suicidal. She receives help now and is happy.

Her relationship with her father and my DP isn't that great and he gets on more with my other DC, especially eldest. Every Christmas and birthday DD16 has asked for toys. I have absolutely no problem with it at all and get what she asks for. My DP began finding it strange when she was 12 as she'd hit puberty then and was still asking for toys and such. He told her then she needed to start asking for different things.

Fast forward now, this year she's asked for animal toys (those figurines) a Kruselings doll and dollhouse furniture as well as some books as she is a very avid reader, a Barbie doll and remote control car and some Twozies. This is a lot more toy heavy than last year but I'm absolutely fine with it. But DP snapped earlier and told her she had to grow up now she's nearly in college. DD cried and shut herself in her room then I got into a massive argument with DP and he went off in a strop.

AIBU to get my DD what she wants for Christmas? Or should I try encourage her to like more age appropriate thngs? Because I am worried what she will do when we're gone and all. She is very very sensitive.

Get the girl what makes her happy - that is what Christmas is for. You can work on introducing additional interests during the year, if you want, but this is a time for fun.

And if her DF watches football, ask him to think about why running around after a ball is considered a totally normal adult interest, while wanting a dolls house is not.

OP, get her what she wants. It's innocent and sweet, and if it's what makes her happy, who is it harming?

My lovely, kind, wonderful little stepsister went through something similar. She has always, always loved what society has deemed "childish" things - manga, anime, Pokemon, computer games etc. She is almost 30 now, works a job she absolutely LOVES to do with her love of all things geeky and "childish", and she no longer suffers from the depression she suffered from as a young adult when she was trying to conform to what everyone was telling her she should or shouldn't do for a living. She is happy.

Your DP sounds like a horrible person, tbh. Why would he crush her like that?

@Cherry

have a postgrad Degree and a nice house so liking toys doesn’t equate to being a loser.

So people without these things are losers presumably? What an odd thing to say hmm

Oh come on, you know that isn’t what she meant.

Op, I’m not in the kick him out camp but he does need to be told and educate himself on your dd’s conditions. Tonnes of people collect dolls, teddies, toys. I had a huuuuge collection of china dolls, had to get rid when we moved but once we are buy our own house I plan on getting lots more and a dolls house! If your dp is good in other ways talk to him, just as much as anything he will really hurt your daughters feelings if she hears him talk about her that way or picks up on him feeling that way. He needs to stop and think and educate himself if he wants to stay in yours and your children’s lives.

Utter rubbish MrsStrowman, get dd what she wants and will make her happy. Your dd also has sn which has to be considered so she is not like her neurotypical peers, you cannot just 'normalise' her.These toys help her eliviate her anxiety and provide consistency in a very confusing and worrying world for her. NB my dd 11 has ASD and learning difficulties.

A lot of adults with no SN like 'children's things, my friend loves Harry Potter and collects manically, and another friend loves Lego. I myself, a 41 year old woman would like to go to an adult soft play that they have locally. Just because we turn 18, does not mean we let go of our fun and childlike side.

Yes your dp sounds horrid. I am glad dh is totally supportive of any of dd interests and totally supports them. DD loves animae and Manga which is for both children and adults alike.

Infact getting her to normalise and conform can do more harm than good.

Give her the best Xmas present ever by getting rid of your spiteful dp. Poor love.

From the replies on this thread I’d say that it’s lovely that your dd isn’t embarrassed to be herself around you and ask for the things she wants.
Fwiw I’ve brought dp a magic kit for Xmas (that I know he’s going to love) and for my last birthday he got me a Harry Potter wand, Christmas is a time to be happy, not try to passive agressively change each other with gifts.

Get her what she wants, it will make her happy and it isn't harming anyone. Unless your DP is her dad, it really doesn't have anything to do with him.

Also, you ds isn’t much younger, is your dp going to be unhappy if he doesn’t get into make up too?

Oh a good saying " I would not change my child for the world, but I would change the world for my child. Society needs to accept people with SN, they have a right to be a part of society, and they should not change for it. If posters are telling op that her dd behaviour is: weird, childish, that she would need to change before she becomes an adult, than there is something very wrong here which needs to be addressed and that is not dd special interests.

This is a very good video to watch by an Autistic adult to explain to people what it is and why people with Autism do the things they do, very informative

www.facebook.com/agonyautie/videos/1032885473534049/

Get rid of the DP. He is making your child miserable and refusing to accept who she is. Poor girl.

What a horrible bastard. Does he not believe her diagnosus or does he just think her can bully her into being NT? Wanker.

Buy HER what SHE wants.

Tell him if he ever speaks to her like that again he can consider his bags packed. He’s her DAD he’s supposed to love and support HER not some idealised motion of what his DD should be like.

Does your DD have any SN?

OMG sorry it wasn’t showing all your replies. Please ignore my message above. Also I hit post too soon and it sounds really rude. I apologise.

Thanks all for the lovely replies. I will always love my DD and never try to change who she is, I'll always accept her.

DP apologised to DD and they had a cuddle and watched some telly together so my wording probably made him seem very awful (he was awful when he said that) but he does try his best to connect with her. I think he may just be worried as well, plus the diagnoses wasn't that long ago so he might still be coming to terms with it...

Last year he got her a teddy bear and some cutesy lip gloss you'd probably give a 10 yo as their first make-up item so he knows her tastes (and although the lip gloss is still unopened to this day the teddy bear is very much cherished).

I think there is a happy medium. Buying collectibles like dolls house furniture is not the same as kids toys. A cuddly toy is good at any age too. I would recommend helping her develop more age appropriate interests eg my dd who has asd is really into Korean and Japanese things which are quite cutesy, she also loves video games, the sims in particular which is a virtual dolls house. Does she attend in person, or online any support groups for teens - my daughter has found talking to others like her a revelation.

Back to gifts, I would buy a couple of her requests then a few things that she would like but maybe isn't aware of yet. It was around this age k pop started penetrating my eardrums, maybe she will like it too?

I'm 29 and I'd love a nice dolls house. My son would just ruin it though. Arsehole.

I also really love colouring in (because I love to be creative, but I have no creative ability!)

Last year for my birthday, my brother bought me a TARDIS rucksack

Oh that must be really useful - I bet you can get loads in it.

She also has ASD and GAD and was only diagnosed when she was 14 when her mental health worsened and she became suicidal. She receives help now and is happy.

Her relationship with her father and my DP isn't that great and he gets on more with my other DC, especially eldest.

This isn't really about toys, is it.

Sorry, cross-post OP.

He might be worried about her but he really is going in about it all wrong yes she might being leaving school soon but she is never going to fit into a mould of 17yr old typical girl he has to eother accept that or keep his nose out of her business.

Please buy your DD her dolls! Have you read Aspergirls? Or Aspergers and Girls? Girls on the spectrum often use their dolls to play out, understand and practice social skills. Or they just love collecting them.

I am autistic and remember the Christmas before I started Academy, that I desperately wanted a beautiful newborn doll that Ihad seen in our local toy shop. My Gran went mad at my Mum when she and my Ada’s bought it for me and I loved that doll! My dolls brought comfort in what can be a frightening world! Unfortunately my parents listened to my Gran and when they sent me to stay with my Aunt and cousins the summer before Academy, they binned every doll and toy. I returned and they were all gone. I was told that I was too old for dolls and toys and it was time to grow up.

I cried myself to sleep that night and it still hurts today that they would take my precious belongings and discard them like they were rubbish.

Thank you for not forcing your daughter to grow up! But please protect her from your DP! His treatment of your DD is abusive! This will destroy her self esteem! Has he(DP) or indeed your Daughters Father read up on Autism in girls? There are lots of great books out there and actually a fantastic young woman called Alis Rowe who has written many insightful books and runs workshops on autism all over the country. It might be worth booking onto a course and suggesting (insisting) your DP or your DD’s DF go and learn more about autism. thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

I am also a Mum to an 11 year old autistic son and a 9 year old fellow Aspie daughter. My dd liked dolls when she was small but preferred soft toys, puppies in particular. She recently chose to get rid of her dolls and prams etc. Which I found gutting but she prefers her ‘puppies’ and I have already been choosing new puppies for her collection.

Interestingly, alongside playing out social situations with dolls, the books I have read have recommended the Sims game for girls on the Spectrum. It is a more ‘modern’ version of playing with a dollshouse, which peers may also be interested in. My daughter has asked for sims and several add on packs for her Christmas, which I will be purchasing for her.

Apologies I have cross posted with your update. I am glad he has apologised. It is difficult for many men to come to terms with their child’s diagnosis. It really helps the process of acceptance to look into autism and book onto courses/ workshops if possible.