to let my DD get what she wants?

[ButtontopBakery]

Hi all. I have four teenage DC (13 and 14 yo boys, 16 and 19 yo girls)

My 16yo DD is turning 17 next year early January and is not into clothes, make-up, music ect. like my other three DC. She's a sweet girl with a very kind personality. Loves animals. She doesn't act her age and acts around 11-12 but can be very mature at times. She also has ASD and GAD and was only diagnosed when she was 14 when her mental health worsened and she became suicidal. She receives help now and is happy.

Her relationship with her father and my DP isn't that great and he gets on more with my other DC, especially eldest. Every Christmas and birthday DD16 has asked for toys. I have absolutely no problem with it at all and get what she asks for. My DP began finding it strange when she was 12 as she'd hit puberty then and was still asking for toys and such. He told her then she needed to start asking for different things.

Fast forward now, this year she's asked for animal toys (those figurines) a Kruselings doll and dollhouse furniture as well as some books as she is a very avid reader, a Barbie doll and remote control car and some Twozies. This is a lot more toy heavy than last year but I'm absolutely fine with it. But DP snapped earlier and told her she had to grow up now she's nearly in college. DD cried and shut herself in her room then I got into a massive argument with DP and he went off in a strop.

AIBU to get my DD what she wants for Christmas? Or should I try encourage her to like more age appropriate thngs? Because I am worried what she will do when we're gone and all. She is very very sensitive.

I think this comes under the heading of accepting your child for who she is not who you want her to be.

Do you want her to be happy? Then buy her what she wants for Christmas.

What standard is your DP measuring your daughter against?

I am currently wearing a Mickey Mouse T shirt bought from Disney World. Primark sell adult clothing with Star Wars, Disney, Harry Potter etc.

Well my DS1 recently had a lego truck as a gift and was delighted..took him two days to assemble it (it was incredible) He's 25....
He also collects action figures... and when he has a quite moment he still plays with them! He's 25 with a job, a partner... he just still enjoys a few moments of being himself!

And DS1 who has autism is having all Spyro the dragon themed pressies for xmas He doesn't play (never has played with anything) but they make him happy to look at. He's21 but emotionally a lot younger and we just enjoy his pleasure , regardless of 'age appropriate'

Your poor dd, wtf has it to do with your partner, i couldn't be with a man like this.
I suppose at least you aren't married, so can make a quick exit, putting your dd first.

As for presents, Yes, you usually get what they ask for She probably thinks she missed out on childhood things, it sounds like she's had nobody fighting her corner tbh. I'm not surprised she wants toys, tbh.

I have a postgrad Degree and a nice house so liking toys doesn’t equate to being a loser.

So people without these things are losers presumably? What an odd thing to say

Definitely buy her what she wants .

I remember taking great satisfaction as a teen "playing"/collecting pristine figures (that hadn't been ruined by rough handling) and arranging them exactly how I wanted.

My 15 yr old DD (no special needs) desperately wants the same small soft toy we bought a friend's child recently. I think I rolled my eyes a bit when she asked for it, but I've bought it for her stocking!

Why are grown men allowed to play with train sets but grown (or growing!) women aren't allowed to have any fun?

It IS unusual, but it isn't wrong to be different! Ask your partner what he wants her adult life to be like - would he prefer her to be out clubbing, getting drunk etc, than happy and at home?? My soon to be teenager only wants brand names and makeup and THAT makes me sad.
I do like the idea of a dolls house to decorate as a creative hobby that other adults also do.

I'd buy her what she wants. If she is developmentally delayed, then buy her toys that are suited for her mental age rather than her biological age.

I have a 13 year old child with autism who still plays with toys suitable for 3-8 year olds. He's happy with them, doesn't care what others think.

Your DP shouldn be being so awful and harsh with her.

Your DD sounds lovely. My DH and I are 35 and 37, and every year we get both Lego city and Lego Star Wars advent calendars. He got Batman Lego for his birthday (from our DD cos they play together on the xbox) and I collect Alice in Wonderland bits n pieces. My 30 yo sister has several toy giraffes and her wife has toy hippos.

Your "D"P may be having trouble with her diagnosis but he needs to stfu about it and deal with it,not dump his feelings onto your DD.

Hope he realises how much of an arse he has been and you can all move on.

Get her what she wants. Why wouldn't you? I don't see how maturity is linked to liking toys.

I've always been mature for my age but i've asked for Lego for Christmas this year. I'm 38. I do have Autism.

Let her grow up at her own rate.

Let the poor girl have what she wants! If that's toys so be it, we can't all be the same- it would be terribly boring if we were. Most of my friends and my DH love toys and games- we're all in our late 20's and early 30's with professional jobs. DM has been an avid video gamer for over 20 years, and she's in her 60's! It's not so much my scene but that doesn't matter because it's ok to like different things

I hope his unnecessarily cruel words haven't upset her too much, OP.

Giving presents is about finding things that the recipient genuinely would like.

I hate people saying that you are not allowed to like something because of your age, class or suchlike.

I'm in my 30s OP, I still like lego and toys for xmas. I giveth no fucks.

While it’s an odd choice do is a lot of stuff that people ask for. I don’t see the issue with. Your DP on the other hand-what are you with such a twat?

She's as entitled as any other person to have her own preferences and things she likes. Good for her, I'm glad you are getting her the toys she has asked for - she'll be thrilled. Just make sure you have stern words with your nasty DP that he doesn't spoilt things by saying something mean when she opens her gifts and upsetting her.

for what it is worth, I have a doll's house - I always wanted one, we couldn;t afford a big toy like that when I was a child, when I was married I asked my DH for one, and he totally scoffed at me and said i was stupid and needed to grow up. Then my wonderful sister bought me one for my birthday - I absolutely love it and spend hours making stuff for it. (DH is now XH and free to live in a toy and joy free world).

I had tough times as a child, and have had mental health issues as an adult, toys have always been important to me, I like teddy bears and dolls, I'm not sure exactly why but I think they are important for people who have had trauma or difficulties, perhaps they are a type of security or unconditional uncomplicated joy when the world is a hard and confusing place. I just know they are important for me and they are a good, calming and helpful thing.

Your DD should be able to make her own choices of things she likes uncriticised. I hope she loves her Christmas toys, she sounds like a really lovely, sweet girl.

My DP's sister in law is 60 years old, a partner in a financial services company, and loves soft cuddly toys. So she still gets them as presies for Xmas and birthdays. Nowt wrong with that.

DH and I do historical re-enactment, so lots of stuff we ask for presents is unusual or infantile. We've been told that we are like kids dressing up. My reaction is . So what. We enjoy it and are happy.

Get her what she will enjoy, and lose the miserable git who wants to spoil a young woman's Christmas.

Last year for my birthday, my brother bought me a TARDIS rucksack I'm distinctly middle-aged.

Last week DH went to a local comic-con and brought me back a Harry Potter t-shirt, I was very happy ecstatic with it.

Surely it's better to give a present knowing it's what the recipient loves rather than getting them something because it what you want them to want?

Your DP sounds like a bit of an arse.

Your daughter sounds lovely. I'd get her what she asked for. I'm 30 years old and I'd still love it if someone got me a cuddly toy or some figurines or a remote control car. There's just something about the pure, unadulterated joy gifts like these bring. I can't see anything wrong with it, it makes her happy so why not. A PP put it perfectly, part of the joy of giving is finding gifts the recipient will love.

Your DP on the other hand sounds like a right arse. Sorry.

Oh dear he really doesn’t understand her does he?

My ds is 18 and is Autistic with severe learning difficulties and I’ve just wrapped up some of his Christmas presents today,

Incredibles 2 figures
Novelty bubble bath
Incredibles dvd
Ladybird workmate books
shaver
Trainers
Jumpers
Nike Joggers
T-shirts

So as you can see an array of different items, ok your average 18 year old would’nt want incredibles figures or Ladybird books but I know my ds will love them and I don’t care what anyone thinks, if he wants these items I’m more than happy to buy them to see his lovely smiling face on Christmas morning when he opens them up.

If she is in the spectrum, are the toys her special interest?

Dc2 is a bit younger at 14yo but is still very keen on his soft toys, still asks for them.
And he gets them. Because they are part of his coping mechanism. And his special interest too.

I’ve also noticed that he is more immature too. Which I think is neither right or wrong. (Nor is Dc1 been very mature for his age either right or wrong)

I think your DP needs to learn about ASD tbh and stop been so judgemental.
And I wouLD carry on buying what she likes without judging her.

The dolls house stuff has the potential to turn into a very sophisticated adult hobby. I see absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging a hobby that encompasses so much potential for creativity.

I'd be more uncomfortable with some of the other stuff, but if it's what she wants and will give her pleasure, then it's what she should have.

I think you should get her the toys. She has ASD and so her behaviour around social norms is not as heavily influenced as the it is for the rest of your DC, Your DP needs to read up and let you parent as you know what is best for her.

Have to say I had never heard of Kruselings dolls - just looked them up - they look lovely.

If you have anxiety ( I do) somehow, childhood things are extremely comforting and distracting. I had dolls and teddies at her age, ffs she is only 16! She sounds a sweet adorable person. There are some horrible attacks on your DP here though. He is probably worried she isn't growing up I think.