to let my DD get what she wants?

[ButtontopBakery]

Hi all. I have four teenage DC (13 and 14 yo boys, 16 and 19 yo girls)

My 16yo DD is turning 17 next year early January and is not into clothes, make-up, music ect. like my other three DC. She's a sweet girl with a very kind personality. Loves animals. She doesn't act her age and acts around 11-12 but can be very mature at times. She also has ASD and GAD and was only diagnosed when she was 14 when her mental health worsened and she became suicidal. She receives help now and is happy.

Her relationship with her father and my DP isn't that great and he gets on more with my other DC, especially eldest. Every Christmas and birthday DD16 has asked for toys. I have absolutely no problem with it at all and get what she asks for. My DP began finding it strange when she was 12 as she'd hit puberty then and was still asking for toys and such. He told her then she needed to start asking for different things.

Fast forward now, this year she's asked for animal toys (those figurines) a Kruselings doll and dollhouse furniture as well as some books as she is a very avid reader, a Barbie doll and remote control car and some Twozies. This is a lot more toy heavy than last year but I'm absolutely fine with it. But DP snapped earlier and told her she had to grow up now she's nearly in college. DD cried and shut herself in her room then I got into a massive argument with DP and he went off in a strop.

AIBU to get my DD what she wants for Christmas? Or should I try encourage her to like more age appropriate thngs? Because I am worried what she will do when we're gone and all. She is very very sensitive.

FFS, some people like toys! I am 46, educated to a high level, own my own home, have a good career and I bloody love dolls! I also have two doll houses and my 13 year old DD is much the same. She will be getting dolls and toys for as long as she wants them! I have a friend in her early 30s whose Sylvanian house and all it's little characters are her pride and joy. So what? It doesn't hurt anyone and it's not a mark of maturity. Tell your DP to fuck off and leave her alone and get her the present that makes her HAPPY!

of course you should get her what she would like.

I hope your DP realizes that he can't just turn your DC into what he wants. She is who she is.

I feel a bit sorry for her - please can you be the one adult in her life who actually likes her as she is?? What a shame neither of these men do.

I’m 34 and for the first time ever I’ve asked for Lego Architecture for Christmas, and my parents pulled a face and then when they looked at it realised and thought it was typical for me who enjoys building things and doing activities.

I’m not in the camp of kick your DP out which is all too common at the slightest injustice on MN these days, but he does need a very stern talking to that he shouldn’t think any less of your DD just because she doesn’t conform to stereotype. That’s what makes her special and maybe he’s struggling with the diagnosis and doesn’t know how to deal with or articulate how he’s feeling, or he could just be a giant cunt. I have no idea!

He is ridiculous OP, get her what she wants. Frame it as collectibles if you want.

My DS is 21 and spends his (hard earned) cash often on cards and warhammer. He is happy, works, goes to Uni, plays board games with his friends and warhammer and PS4. He also has a lovely girlfriend.

Grown ups play games, collect dolls houses, real born dolls and prams, cars, soft toys, lego and have train sets and many other things. There is nothing wrong with your DD being interested in these things still.

And I am with your DD on this, all those little toys for girls and boys these days are brilliant. I loved playing my little pony and littlest pet shop with my DD when she was younger. Sadly she doesn't play with them anymore, but she's not giving them away anytime soon (her words).

I get where your DP is coming from, but he shouldn't be a twat about it. if he wants to give her a more "mature" gift, he could buy her a nice perfume or something of sorts.

I love Lego and will be getting some for Christmas. Also love the look of those mini dolls house type sets which you build (seen them on Wish).

@Hellohah I remember the adverts for Bounce Bounce Tigger.

I remember them because I watched children's TV programs well into secondary school, probably even when I was at sixth form I would wake up to the childrens TV channels still. I'm 28 and would still enjoy watching Bear in the Big Blue House. And I love soft toys!

Get your DD what would make her happiest OP, don't listen to your DP and I would have a stern talk with him about chastising your DD's interests.

Plenty of grown adults (including men) collect figures and models (Funko, cars, Disney, trains...)

It's not weird for someone with her needs to want toys at all. If she has difficulties with social communication with kids her own age (and she must do because if she doesn't then it's hard to see how she would have been diagnosed with autism) then toys probably feel comforting and familiar and predictable and easy to cope with. Liking toys doesn't mean that she won't be able to live independently at some point. If she's got anxiety then making her feel weird for liking these things is only going to make her worse.

Besides, we all like some sort of toy no matter how old we are. I spent a lot of time "tidying" my baby's things away because I really enjoy finishing her puzzles and doing her stacking games for her. And I'm not even going to do a pink face emoji because I think everyone likes that sort of thing sometimes.

There are grown men who collect miniature train sets. My mum had a dolls house made for her when she was around 40. She didn't exactly "play" with it but she loved buying things for it. I'm not sure if everyone outgrows toys altogether.

Your dp sounds emotionally abusive

She might have asked for more toys because she's nearly in college. I agree, I don't think your DH is necessarily awful, but it sounds like he hasn't really accepted that her diagnosis means she won't necessarily behave in the same way as an NT teen of similar age.

I'm so sorry that she had to completely break down before she was diagnosed, her first 14 years must have been so difficult for her being misunderstood by everyone who should have been supporting her.

It's very common for kids with LD/SN/SEN to be emotionally much less mature than their chronological age. Very rough guide, about two thirds, but it varies a lot from individual to individual.

This causes so many problems from people, often close family, who think they ought to "grow up" or "act their age" when they simply can't it's part of their condition.

OP, why not get her something she's asked for and that she will be happy with and tell her father and your DP they are being disablist idiots and they need to respect who she is, not who they think she should be.

I would pick her a beautiful doll house.

Ive a daughter with autism who is still into "toys" but for "collection" rather than playing with. Tell your DP to STFU. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and he doesn't see, to understand his daughters condition at all. Children with autism are usually operating 3-4 years lower cognitively and emotionally than their chronological age.

I am worried what she will do when we're gone and all

Of course you worry about this. But of all the things you need to worry about - how she'll support herself, where she'll live etc- the one thing you don't need to worry about is her playing with toys in her spare time. If she wants to she can, simple as. Lots of grown ups do it- gaming, board games, reborn dolls, model train sets etc etc. Perfectly and completely normal.

I'm 50. I have a 4 storey dolls house, beach hut and potting shed. Cost me a blumming fortune but it's my hobby and I don't care what other people think.

Poor girl. I remember getting to 13 or so and my friend making fun of me for still liking Barbie. So off she went to the loft. I was so sad! Now I’m an adult I collect vintage Barbies. Once I have my own home, I want to buy a vintage dolls house with all the little bits of furniture. I don’t think you ever get too old to play.

Can completely understand why you as a mum might worry OP. As her mum that is your right.
But I don't think it is your partner's place to say it to her. At most, he could say it to you, but I just don't think it's right for him to tell her she can't be asking for these things.

I'm 23 and all I want for christmas is a massive soft toy shark from Ikea she's hardly asking for a meth lab

Ask him what he suggests getting her instead.
Then buy him the suggestions for Christmas and give it to him. When he's confused say something like "oih I thought were just buying random shit for people this year, and ignoring their wishes"

I can see where he's coming from much as I disagree.

At 17yo I still liked dolls houses and dolls etc. What I did was moved over from the "child" dolls to "collecting" them and dressing them.
I still had the diddy things I liked but in a more acceptable way.

However I was lucky. And I mean lucky. I had a group of friends who accepted me the way I was and treated it as just part of me without judging. They'd coo over the dolls and say how well I'd done the clothes etc.

I'm not the most sociable person in the world, but I was lucky to find a group like that.

I suspect where your dp is coming from is a position of worry. He's worrying that she's going to exclude herself socially and that she's setting herself up to be made fun of and that she'll never be able to relate to people her own age. That she'll ask what she had for Christmas and she'll say "Barbie" and be laughed at.

It's not the same as saying "I'm 40 and I'd like that". I was chuckling with dd1 (who's 18yo) about how her year are getting all "oh wow a Disney Princess, isn't it lovely" again, having had about 6 years where they'd have looked down their noses and said "babyish". There is a period where it is unacceptable and then it becomes nostalgic and wonderful again.

I would get her what she wants, but perhaps lead the way in her saying "I collect Barbies/dolls furniture etc". I remember realising this made it acceptable to buy the little dolls I loved.

Our friend's daughters in their 20s are obsessed with Disney and collect all sorts to do with that as well as dolls, cos play get up etc. They're both University educated, well adjusted individuals. Let her have what she wants and tell him to do one.

Your DD won't suddenly become more mature by being told to. She's at the developmental stage she's at. You and DP can either accept that and enjoy DD for who she is (and she sounds lovely) or you can refuse to accept her for who she is which will result in her feeling bad about who she is. I think you're doing the right thing and need to put your foot down massively with your DP. She's already at massive risk of low self esteem with her ASD having her father and step dad reject her is definitely not going to help.

^^ this.

I know it can be hard. I have a daughter with learning disabilities and ASD. I'd dearly love for her to join in with the things her peers enjoy. But I must celebrate and embrace her as she is because that's unconditional love and if I won't offer her that who will? And yes you need to have words with your DP.

Sorry first paragraph bold fail.