To think my MIL is a drama queen?

[gladstonefive]

In laws came round last night for Sunday dinner.

Made G+Ts when they got here, and DD1 (14) asked if she could have one. We said yes. Then DD2 (12) asked- me and DP looked at each other and thought about it for a moment and he agreed.

The drink we made her was literally a splash of gin in a large wine glass topped up with tonic water filled with ice and lemon. I would say it was approx 10% gin and the rest tonic water/ice/lemon. She didn’t act any differently after drinking 60-70% of it. We made the same for DD1 who has had it a few times when we have had friends over etc- id say 3/4 times in the past year or so.

MIL went on a rant about it and we ended up asking her to leave because she was turning it into a full blown argument.

AIBU?

I’m another who believes the OP was BU. No way would I give a 12 or 14 yo child alcohol.
I am pleased your MIL said something and stood up to you. How bizarre she must be feeling for having been booted from your house over this.

YANBU op, your MIL is vastly over reacting.
I think it is fine to introduce alcohol to the children in the safety of the home as they are growing up. Having an open and honest relationship over anything with children will hopefully prevent them binging on it when they are what? 16? That's only 2 and 4 years away for them so well done on your honest and open style of parenting.
Your MIL on the other hand is from an era where smoke filled public spaces was perfectly acceptable!

Yanbu. It is legally fine for a child to drink alcohol at home aged 5+. Allowing small amounts of alcohol, supervised amd moderated, takes away the mystery of alcohol and encourages young people to drink responsibly. Even if your mil doesnt agree, your kids are your kids.
I understand the logic but the limited studies in the area actually suggest the opposite: that those who drink at home with their parents when minors are more likely to develop problems with drink.

Link re. the above www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/01/25/study-parents-who-give-their-teenagers-alcohol-inviting-trouble/1067481001/

Apologies it's a media article and not the studies themselves but I'm sure they're easily found (and I'm in work so not gonna keep looking )

I do think that YANBU. The British attitude to alcohol consumption is unusual batshit crazy and this is reflected in adult consumption. I am from a European background and alcohol was consumed at home in small quantities from around 12/13. I had no interest in drinking cheap cider in the park when I knew there was a decent red at home. Even now, it is quality over quantity.

YABU in my opinion. People over measure at home and a shot could easily look like a splash in a large glass. 12 years is too young; I wouldn’t happily give spirits at home to a child under 17/18 TBH. I agree with PP that wine or beer I’d allow a bit of experimentation with, if they asked.

My children never asked for alcohol at the table but I wouldn’t have minded giving them wine with their dinner. Both drank out of the house when they were teenagers and got it out of their systems. At the ages of 27 and 29 DD has a drink when socialising or with dinner and the DS abstains completely. I only drink at weekends and my DM, their DGM, was the nearest thing you can get to an alcoholic without being one.

The OP gets to say what gives with her kids as she knows them and clearly does not want them growing up drinking irresponsibly.

I don’t think gin is really all that much worse than beer. And although 12 is very young, there is a lot to be said about taking away the mystery of alcohol, which many families do in France and Italy and other places in Western Europe where they don’t have a binge drinking culture.

But on the basis of the information you have provided I think it’s a bit rich to call your MIL dramatic after you just actually chucked her out of your house.

I was allowed to have a small drink at family parties when I was 13, I am now 42 and have never been a heavy drinker. YANBU OP, I would let my daughter have a small drink if she asked at that age.

All the people here slating OP for ‘trying to be cool’.

Maybe she’s trying to just do what she believes is right by introducing alcohol in a safe, family environment.

I’ve previously said my first experience of alcohol was that it was forbidden, but grown-up so we all literally pooled money and stood outside the off license asking passing adults going in, to buy us cider with the cash. 9 times out of 10, they did so. We got pissed. One girl lost her virginity on the school playing field while drunk, and then allowed boys to shag her everytime there after! I look back on these memories with utter shame because I was pissed, queasy and didn’t once think to intervene and let her know she needed to stop it.

I stopped hanging around with them and subsequently drinking on the playing field after one teenage boy groped my breasts so hard he left bruise finger marks on them.

So. As a parent now - I think that approach of ‘don’t do that’ is totally uncool and I’ve discussed alcohol, appropriate age-related drinking, the dangers, the benefits of waiting to be old enough. The dangers of being out of control or even lightly uninhibited. My DS has tried a shandy (last Christmas) and wasn’t impressed.

12 and 14 year olds are strong-willed and will try alcohol whether you’re there or not. Unless of course you don’t give them ANY independence. It’s the same with sex and drugs.

It’s a hard part of parenting having to deal with these issues and there’s nothing remotely ‘cool’ involved in any of it.

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t. The UK has an ugly drink problem and a nasty reputation for being out of control drunks.

Alcoholism has many factors, and I don’t know too many alcoholics, but I can do a quick straw poll on ones I do know and they didn’t drink as kids.

This is nothing to do with being ‘a cool parent’.

I personally think as long as it's a very weak drink it's ok. It makes alcohol "normal" and less tempting so they don't binge drink at 18. Having had experiences with alcoholism and seen the "look at me I can drink now" stage where they are too drunk to stand up even, anything to make alcohol less tempting and acceptable is got to be better

YABU. 12 us far too young to have, as someone said before, a shot of gin. I'd never give them a full glass of wine either. Not that mine would drink. They see us drinking moderately at home and I think is the best example. No need for them to actually drink when they are this young. Maybe a sip of your own drink if they are curious... But no more

The thing is, why do we need alcohol to be seen as “normal”? It isn’t part of my life and I actually feel quite sad that children have to have this substance that they don’t need, don’t like the taste of and that actually does them harm slowly introduced to normalise it. No one needs alcohol, some people choose to drink but it’s fine if you don’t.

I think you can “demystify” alcohol without actually giving it to your children - and having a full and normal life that doesn’t involve drinking alcohol is a model I want to set for my children.

My father gave me champagne aged 12. Quite a bit. No mother. I threw up. Bad.mI still like champagne tho.

YABVU - please don’t give alcohol to children. Many, many studies are around to back this up. I’ve attached one peer reviewed one here (australiascience.tv/parents-who-supply-alcohol-to-teens-are-doing-more-harm-than-good/) from Australia which was conducted on over 2000 children over a number of years.
Secondly, I don’t think your MIL was being unreasonable. I think she was fighting hard for something she believed was damaging to her grandchildren. It would be a different story if she was unhappy about what school you were sending them to or something else equally as inane. But alcohol is dangerous.
I am a drinker, don’t get me wrong. I grew up in Australia surrounded by alcohol and I don’t have a problem with it. But it is not for kids.

I think, on balence, that you were being a tad unreasonable. Other posters have said that it’s not proven that giving a G & T to young people is a good idea, although I can see how it could possibly happen when you are having a relaxing time with your family.

Although your children are definitely your responsibility, I also think you were rather harsh with and about your MiL, is she ever ‘allowed’ to say anything? I also think that you gave quite a lot of gin to young people. Did they like the drink? Would tonic, ice and lemon been a good compromise?

Hopefully family harmony will be resolved 🌺

I am amazed that anyone finds that acceptable.

No, YANBU, but how much G&T did your MIL slurp? Sounds as if she may be one of those inclined to turn somewhat nasty after a wee drop of the hard stuff.

It’s absolutely better than a child who leaves home and can’t handle drink because they they’ve never tasted anything.

Inappropriate to serve a child a gin and tonic, & what was the point? I was given alcohol from a similar age (not spirits) & did not see alcohol as a concern - but actually it is!! It did NOT help me develop a healthy attitude or safe drinking habits, quite the opposite, as I saw it as normal & didn’t question it. I stopped drinking after I found out I was pregnant & only after that developed a healthy relationship with alcohol & by then was mid thirties!! YABU for how u reacted to your MIL, speaking up for her grandchildren & for not listening. What’s up with saying “no, but you can have the same drink if you want it, without the alcohol”?

I agree with your MIL far too young too be drinking alcohol let alone spirits. Sorry OP

That you have fuck all idea of how much alcohol you actually doled out to a child is irresponsible. If you are going to give your children sprits, at least get a proper measure, none of this "splash" nonsense.

The major problem people have with alcohol is not understanding what a correct unit looks like. You may think that was just a splash, but it looks to be at least half of a pub measure in a massive glass.

Your mooncup holds more liquid than a pub measure of spirits.

I was always allowed small tastes of alcohol at a young age and small weak drinks of my own from about 11/12 up at family Sunday dinners and special occasions. Oddly however my mum was really really strict about what I did outside the house (not just about alcohol) I don't really drink much now, don't get me wrong I love the odd g&t or glass of wine but DH drinks much more than I do and he was almost 40 before he even tasted spirits.
I don't mind Dd1 having sips of drinks now (almost 9) and will take the same approach once she hits big school

Never have I seen so many pearls being clutched! OP, it was fine, anyone would think they were necking neat vodka. And nothing to do with your MiL at all. This is the first thread I've ever seen leaping to a Mil's defence!

Fine in my opinion,
When I was 12 I was drinking out with friends.
And stealing stuff from the alcohol cupboard!
And I'm just fine......