DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

I am from a dysfunctional family involving violence, domestic abuse, alcoholism, loss of contact with parents for the above reasons. Grandparents on both sides were useless in terms of interest in either me or my siblings and the only one who cared for me (I lived with her as an infant/toddler) died when I was four from cancer.

I would have liked the archetypal “perfect” family for my own children. I have done my best under difficult circumstances. That’s life. You don’t always get what you want OP but, you can work with what you have and not waste emotional energy of people who aren’t worth it.

If it was that important to you then you should have interviewed him/interrogated him properly. Did him not speaking about his days out/nice memories not ping for you? Your massively unreasonable to have a go at him now. The poor man had an awful childhood and now he's married an awful woman who is mad at him for his awful childhood.

You didn't notice anything dysfunctional about DHs family BEFORE you married DH? They acted all lovey dovey towards him and you BEFORE you married him? Did they?

Agree Gonzoo. I feel very sorry for the man.

I also recall how reluctant I was to “admit” how I’d grown up. I felt guilty and worthless.

No ones family is normal. There are always problems and issues. They may look normal from the outside or it may take a long time for the issues to emerge. At least this is slap in your face obvious. And it isn’t your DHs fault. Maybe your are still grieving for the family you wish you had?

How lovely that you felt sure enough of your dh that you were able to tell him about your awful family before you were married. It seems that he, however, was right in his assessment that he couldn't rely on you equally.

With regards to the question about why the OP didn't notice anything herself about her DH's family, I actually felt bad that I'd caused an issue with my DH and his family when they threatened to disown him! I felt like I had to apologise for my very existence and be grateful to anyone who tolerated me being in the same room! I thought if I worked hard to prove myself I'd be accepted.

That's what growing up as the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother does to you.

If it was that important to you then you should have interviewed him/interrogated him properly. Did him not speaking about his days out/nice memories not ping for you? Your massively unreasonable to have a go at him now

^^This.

YABU.

Cry for your dh and how he has had to bury his feelings for most of his life, and his wife who resents him for something he had no control over and which probably still hurts and is only now able to talk about it.

You are angry with your dh all because your dcs don't have the grandparent experience.

Just wow. I have some choice words for OP which I won't say on this forum.

jux that’s a harsh way to put it.

I don’t think he was thinkng “this woman will dump me if she knows my background”.

I think he was more seeing how important it is to her to feel loved by his family and he thought maybe it could work out.

Perhaps he thought it’s him his parents never loved. And that they will love her as she is a lovely person and that if he “behaved better” things will change.

Perhaps he was stuck in FOG.

Do you not see Op, that you were just at a better stage emotionally than him when you first met? When it comes to processing your feelings towards family ?

Wow your poor DH! I'm so sorry you didn't have the family you wanted that must of been horrible op but you can't take it out on your DH, he's probably ashamed and hurting as much as you. I've been exactly in your position too except instead of taking it out on my poor dh I got counseling and made the most of our little family unit. All the best op

How lovely that you felt sure enough of your dh that you were able to tell him about your awful family before you were married. It seems that he, however, was right in his assessment that he couldn't rely on you equally.

Very harsh and unfair. Especially as he is now telling OP a lot about hi son childhood so he does rely on her.

He tricked her into thinking he was from a happy family. Simple as.

Your poor DH.

I come from a dysfunctional family but I couldn't find the words to tell my DH as I was so ashamed. I've slowly told him things over the years but it took a long time for me to open up. He was nothing but loving and supportive. I'd been destroyed if he reacted like you have.

I get that your disappointed and wanted a better life for you and your dc but you are being quite selfish.

MadMum

Wow, I feel the same way. Sorry to jump on this thread. How did you overcome that?

What I can see as a pattern is the immense need for approval by in laws when some of us come from dysfunctional backgrounds.

It’s easy to see how sometimes there won’t be any red flags form the start form the in laws. They might be sweet and loving out of respect for their son. It’s a superficial relationship st the start after all. Until they become grandparents!!

But perhaps they picked up on OPs need for affection and approval and felt no need to try much harder. They probably got free love from OP which they didn’t value ? Perhaps Op is feeling double rejected by that. Perhaps they felt OP has expectations of them that they can’t meet. Or maybe they took advantage because you seemed ready to dismiss bad behaviour to maintain that ideal lovely image of happy large family.

There is a lot of backstory to why you feel this way. Don’t expect everyone on here to understand, unless they are familiar with situations like this.

What I do know, that it’s pretty hard to feel rejected. No matter what’s the reason for that feeling. So here it you OP .

OP I don't know what your parents were like, perhaps the dysfunction was a bit easier to see but my parents were more like your DH's, everything looked good from the outside. My DH's parents also put on a good front and it was only when my kids were born that I realised how dysfunctional they are. When it's all adults, and the adult children are used to smoothing things over, it can be very hard to spot, but as soon as kids come on the scene it flushes out the worst of their behaviour.

I think your anger is probably the anger of grief. You're grieving a whole lot of stuff - the chance to have decent in-laws, for your kids to have decent grandparents, to see what a childhood in a nice family looks like. The anger is natural but it's about much more than your DH's dishonesty, specially when you consider how long it might have taken him to realise himself just how dysfunctional it was.

Ignore the PPs saying how awful and unreasonable you are though - you can't help your emotions, feelings are bound to run high on something like this.

No ones family is normal. There are always problems and issues. They may look normal from the outside or it may take a long time for the issues to emerge. At least this is slap in your face obvious. And it isn’t your DHs fault. Maybe your are still grieving for the family you wish you had?

What @Heather1 says is true. The only family you can rely on to be 'normal' is the one you create. And you do that, if you come from dysfnctional families, by focusing hard and constantly on what you value and on assessing often whethe rit makes your DC thrive, and changing you r behaviour if it doesn't. And by having loads and loads of fun together and setting up a cosy home and family traditions. It takes energy but it's great fun and the pay off is lovely when you see your DC thrive, unneurotically.

I don't actually think you sound selfish , like others have suggested. You do sound like you are trying to find someone to blame and choosing the wrong people. It is not your fault or his that your children don't have doting grandparents. I suspect you have chosen the right husband for you and you are the right person for him too. I wish you well as you learn to support each other.

Antigon, ILoveHumanity, no more harsh imo than many other comments on this.

jux I would be more empathetic as yours uniquely suggests that her husband doesn’t trust her, which only aims to aggravate a sensitive situation to someone already grieving and feeling rejected.

You probably don’t understand her background sorrow and probably just think you are “giving her a taste of her own medicine”. But sometimes you can hurt people by doing that.

HTH

Sometimes people are so caught up in their own issues that they lose perspective as to how they are coming across to others in their lives. Mn gives the unvarnished view, even if the truth hurts.

I feel very sorry for your husband. You sound as dysfunctional as his family OP for the simple fact you're even making an issue out of it.

You cannot expect anyone to come to terms with abuse/neglect/disfunction on your timescale.

I think your husband was unreasonable if he lied for example if you directly asked him if he had a good relationship with his parents and he pretended it was good. I can see why someone would do this initially but it does seem odd to never correct you.

However - I can see why you might feel the way you do given your background, but it does come across as unreasonable to say or imply you wouldn't be with him or have had kids with him if you'd known. It is only one small thing about him - it doesn't define him

Plenty of people don't have relationships with their grandparents because of a number of factors - family breakdown, one gramdparent dies and the other moves or starts a relationship with someone that doesn't get on with the family, grandparents still work or too busy, grandparents ill or elderly or infirm, grandparents die, someone has to move away for work etc etc. You could have ' chosen' someone who had a great relationship with their parents when they were growing up and still your children don't have much relationship with their grandparents.

If you have a great relationship with your children and there are other special people in their life (for example we were very close to an elderly neighbour when we were young as our grandparents died young on one side and lived 5 hours away on the other side) they will be fine.

Hopefully more counselling will help you come to terms with this

I think people are being very mean to the OP

She is not blaming her DH for his parents. She just feels he should have been honest.
The problem now is that she thought she was getting a “normal” family, probably looked forward to her DCs having lovely grandparents who loved them, and now it’s all been taken away.

If he’d always been honest, then she’d never had had those expectations.

If I look back on my own relationship with DH, we spoke about everything - family, relationships, childhood. There were no big surprises. I think this is what is upsetting OP and I totally get that.

Well, this is certainly an interesting take on the perennial “Grandparents refuse to provide babysitting/wraparound childcare” theme.