DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

Some people don't really realise just how bad their family is until much later in life. They try to cover it up, put on a happy face and people please, without even realising they are doing it.

This happened to me and I didn't fully come to my senses until I had my own child to protect.

@Gruffalo

Actually I come from an exceptionally dysfunctional background, and am NC with my parents. My background and how I feel about who I am in relation to my background is part of why I find this thread upsetting.

But then how can you not see the OP's point? She was hoping to have that 'sense check', that point of view that tells you 'no, it is normal, this is fine'. Instead she now knows her DH is coming from the same hard place as she is and will have his own inbuilt problems and inappropriate defaults based on how he was parented. She can't rely on him to be her backstop anymore, to 'fill in the blanks' he background left her with when she comes to parenting. And his parents aren't going to act as an extension of that network. The whole 'takes a village' thing is never more appropriate than when you know you are damaged by your own upbringing - you want to surround your kids with good examples and healthy influences and loving relatives which you know you are not inherently going to provide.

This happened to my dad, he married my mum in part because he wanted a break from his incredibly dysfunctional family and saw her family as upstanding citizens; -rich, perfect marriage, loved each other etc. ...but they ignored us as grandchildren, preferred their other daughter, died bankrupt etc; there are no guarantees in life. We turnout fine without help from ‘perfect grandparents ‘ and I’m sure your children will too.

You married him, not his family. Presumably you didn’t get to the point of marriage without realising what his family were actually like. I have been with my DP for three years and already understand his family are crazy dysfunctional. I still love my DP, his weird family are just something I have to put up with from time to time.

You are very much projecting your own problems onto your DH. It isn’t his fault.

Did he really lie, or did you just assume? You said in a previous post "how lovely that you had parents who loved you". Can you not see how ashamed he would have been to then admit that, no, his parents didn't love him either.

I think that maybe you need to take responsibility for making the assumption that good jobs = good parents. If you really think that you shouldn't have had children with someone whose parents were not going to make good grandparents, then you need to accept your own part in this.

I think this is really typical. It's when you experience that overwhelming love for your own child and realise your desperate need to protect them that you look at your own family and think "hang on a sec". And then long work of unpicking it begis.

Meant to say, don't you feel terrible that your DH couldn't admit to his own wife what his childhood was like?

OP, what is the rest of your relationship like? You have only given this one piece of information about him, that he lied about his parents. We have no way of judging his character just from that. He may have not realised they were abusive; he may have known that his childhood was unhappy but been unable to pinpoint why; he may have understood clearly that the things they did were wrong, but in a conversation with you about your very difficult childhood, he may not have felt it was appropriate to complain about his relatively stable life. Or he may have been maliciously withholding information to trick you into marrying him.

I'm not sure that last one can possibly be true. If your relationship is otherwise good and he treats you and your children well, I can't understand why you would hold this against him. Which makes me think there must be more going on and you are hurting in other ways, which may or may not be DH's fault.

Very poignant post Nametheyareachangin especially this

To fill your children's cups with something clean and pure when your own is warped and empty/dirty.

And yes if I had had children with someone else they would very likely have grandparents that would show some interest in them.

Not necessarily, my partner’s parents both died before I met him so our child will have no grandparents on that side.

OP, the fact is that if your dh had judged you by the criteria with which you now retrospectively judge him, he would not have married you. Would that have been better?

You don't really (primarily) want loving grandparents for your children. You wanted loving replacement parents for you. From experience which I don't wish to discuss on here, I get that longing. You are displacing your childish (meant non-judgementally) rage at not having had your needs met onto your dh. It is a normal rage, a rage to be expected considering your past and your process of working through it. I believe that if your dh's family had been the Oxo-ad standard you dreamed of, at some point in this process one of them would have slighted you or let you down (perceivedly) in a way which would have induced this. Accept the anger and target it at its proper object, not your dh, because I understand his denial (again, from experience) and he does not have to put up with this.

I’m glad you are getting therapy because you sure as hell need it. I feel sorry for your poor husband to be honest.

@Namestheyareachangin : "But then how can you not see the OP's point? She was hoping to have that 'sense check', that point of view that tells you 'no, it is normal, this is fine'."

• Because I realise that people who've experienced awful childhoods need to tell their own stories in their own time, and sometimes need to tell lies to get through. My sibling used to say that I was treated worse than them (and I was), but now tells me that they were treated worse. I don't mind, even though it's not true, if that's what they need to tell themselves to cope with how awful our childhood was.

The OP's DH may have needed to tell himself his childhood was fine or at least not say out loud (because then it's really true, not just true) how awful it was. I support whatever brings people comfort, and so I couldn't be angry at someone who had comforted themselves by protecting themselves from the truth of their childhood.

Honestly OP, you need to get over this.

You married dh. Not his family. You could have met someone with great parents. Who then died. Or still weren't interested in their grandkids. Or turned about to be sexually abusers.

My Dp has a very dysfunctional family. I know more than he has told me as his sister is my best friend. He rarely tells me anything. I know loads though. I don't hold it against him.

Also there's no such thing as the perfect family. My family were great. Up until my brother married a friend of mine. She has turned out to be horrible. My brother isn't allowed to visit and she kicked off because he called me when my marriage broke up. She has told me I should be infertile, because I want to work AND have kids. She also told me that her kids were more important, because they are the kids of my parents eldest son. My brother has witnessed this and never said anything, just let her carry on. I never see or hear from my brother. As a result, mine and my parents relationship is strained because they think I should still make the effort with my brother and his wife. I refuse to. I have too much going on in my own life and can't be arsed with someone who doesn't give a shit about me.

I did have the close family. I don't now.

It’s up to you to build a functional family. You can’t just pick one up off the shelf.

If you were angry with his family for treating him or you or DC like that, that would be fine.

But not him. That’s kinda victim blaming. And that kinda sucks.

Did you marry your husband because you wanted to get a substitute Mummy and Daddy, or because you actually loved him?

YABVU

Oh OP your poor poor DH. Please try and have some empathy with him. He had a rotten childhood, and was probably so emotionally damaged by it he didn’t even realise it wasn’t normal. Yours was worse so he didn’t want to minimise what you went through by complaining about his. Don’t be angry with him. You two should be trying to support each other.

Your children really don’t need grandparents. My daughter’s best friend doesn’t have any, they’re all dead, and she’s fine. What is important is that you create a happy, if small, family for your DCs.

It's very likely that your dh didn't realise how bad they were. It was his normal.

I agree with this and similar comments from PPs.

Sometimes it's not until people leave home (maybe to go to university) that they realise it's not normal for a parent to have beaten you and the other parent continuously since you were tiny. Nor is it normal to practice coercive control, including both emotional and financial abuse. Some of these people have upper-middle class appearances with parents with jobs that attract high social standing: they talk about their families as if they are normal. It can be such a shock to realise this is not standard that they can break down or go off the rails for a while.

You of all people should be able to offer empathy and compassion to your DH.

This is the most YABU post.

Did you marry him or his parents? Would you have cancelled the wedding had he told you that his parents didn't love him? Jesus. You are dysfunctional indeed. Does your DH love his children? Can you please focus on that?

I married a man because his family seemed warm and cheerful and interested compared with my cold snobbish mother and enabling father. It didn’t work. My daughter married a man whose family were laughably dysfunctional because her father had left and this man adored her. It didn’t work.
They fuck you up...etc
That’s life.
You can only be good enough as a parent and acknowledge your mistakes.
Befriend some lonely older people, you might find someone who would love to give your kids a good grandparent experience.

Did you marry your husband because you loved him or because you thought he was coming from a “normal” family??

Seriously I came from a completely dysfunctional family and longed to be a part of a normal family and I am a part of a normal family...my own family which is me, my DH and my 3 kids.

My DH’s family dint give a Shit about him or even his brothers, it’s all about his sisters but that’s not his fault, he can’t force his parents to want to spend time with him or look out for him!!

Seriously get over yourself, and make your OWN family a “normal” family!!