DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

You haven't provided loving grandparents on your side either. How would you feel if your DH blamed you for that?

Many many people don't have loving grandparents, you need to get over fixating on this non-issue. It's FAR FAR more important that they have loving and interested parents. How sad if your dc's pick up on your tension and sadness at home and you end up inadvertently negatively affecting their home life because you're obsessing about it not being "perfect".

This probably won't be a popular opinion, but I don't think you should continue seeing a counsellor. It's giving you permission to wallow in self pity. Just stop it and focus on what you DO have.

I'm sorry- also adding to the you are being very unreasonable brigade. You would have dumped him and moved on if you'd k own he had a crappy upbringing with little affection, because decent grandparents are more important to you than a man who loves you? I find this very, very wrong and I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. A good nuclear family unit, isn't good enough for you, you want the waltons? Most people don't have a perfect family. Some are worse than others. Blaming him for his parents being shitty, is shitty. You need to work through it- it's your issue, not fair to blame him.

Op I hear the hurt in your words.

You aren’t unreasonable to feel deeply disapppinted that your final hope of being part of a loving family is gone.

But just don’t hold your husband responsible. He didn’t know you were marrying him to fill that void inside you with his family. And it’s partly your responsibility too, if it mattered to you that much you should’ve spent a lot more time with his family to get to know them and vocalised that. but These things aren’t easy to be aware of from the start whether it’s you or your husband.

Some ppl only revisit their emotional issues when they become parents themselves.. or they face trauma .. especially men they have a special ability to block their negative emotions out and only process it when life throws it back at them.

He didn’t know.
You didn’t know.

If you were married to someone else, you could’ve had amazing in lss that love you and your kids but you could’ve had worse problems that you aren’t aware of. Because life isn’t perfect. And your kids life isn’t gonna ever be perfect either.

How does your dh's brother get on with his parents? Is he close to his brother?

You aren’t unreasonable to feel deeply disapppinted that your final hope of being part of a loving family is gone.

But that's not true. The OP has married a man and has children with him - that's her family. And family isn't just relatives, it's the people you choose, your friends and loved ones.

OP, you're idealising something you never had and blaming your husband. Find a good therapist. You're displacing onto your husband an anger that belongs somewhere else, and he really doesn't deserve it.

@reallybadidea

Meant to say, don't you feel terrible that your DH couldn't admit to his own wife what his childhood was like?

What a ludicrous question. Why should OP feel terrible?

Some people seem to think women are responsible for their husbands emotional wellbeing.

But that's not true. The OP has married a man and has children with him - that's her family. And family isn't just relatives, it's the people you choose, your friends and loved ones.

Make your chosen family loving OP and try to find a way to let go of the hate and anger. You can have a positive loving future and give your children what you and your DH never had.

@JanetLovesJason

It’s up to you to build a functional family. You can’t just pick one up off the shelf.

As I said in my first post it isn't the husband's fault, but I remain astounded by some of the incredibly callous, oblivious, entitled things people are saying to this poor OP.

The people totally battering the OP have no understanding what it is like to come from a totally dysfunctional background. No idea what it is like to feel so broken, incomplete and inadequate.

When someone vents about their parents to me, I don't generally bring up any of my messed up background. That's my issue to deal with and don't feel it is appropriate to, in response to someone discussing their pain, dump mine on them.

Personally, I think "Do you think your parents will make good grandparents?" and talking to potential-in-laws about their parenting to grow up should be done if that is really important to someone with the understanding that even good parents can make shite grandparents and our perspectives of good can be skewed. I asked all sorts of weird hyper-specific things of my spouse due to concerns I had from my background. While I may mourn the loss of a dream - which I've done many times in my life - I would never be angry with any of my loved ones if they struggled to talk about their pain. I'm here if they want to talk but I don't think I'm owed all of someone else's scars any more than they are owed mine. I agree with others that the anger is misdirected and while he may not have been comfortable talking about it, I'm not sure the DH lied. I defend my parents regularly, if someone said they loved me I wouldn't disagree, that didn't mean they also didn't hate me and hurt me.

I've had people discuss things their parents made or nice things they've done and I sometimes mention how my mother for a few years would make large cookie cakes for my siblings and I after schools or how my father helped me build multiple electrical science experiments and plenty of people responded how nice that sounded and how lucky I was. I'm not going to then mention, well, after baking my mother would drink herself into a stupor, take all sorts of pills, beat me and tell me what I burden I am & how unlovable I am and tell me that if I was capable of real love I'd kill myself to free her from the burden and pain my existence caused her. Or how my father, who was less violent but more neglectful if he could get some cash or sex or drugs out of a situation, threatened me with conversion therapy and with kidnapping my kids to the point the police had to get involved at one point as he was sending me pictures from outside my place of work after my maternal grandfather gave him my contact details because of the ~importance of family~. The same grandparents I would honestly say loved me and loved their daughter, but still forced my mother to drop out of high school and be a child bride and then enabled her addictions (she was literally arrested for DUI and possession of controlled substances she'd stolen from my grandmother on their doorstep - I was in the car.) and toxic behaviours for years. Having family that loves you doesn't mean they don't harm you as well.

Yeah, the village is great and it is a life saver to be able to outsource our sanity and understanding to others from time to time, it just doesn't have to be grandparents or relatives. I don't know if my parents are alive or dead, my FIL is dead, and my MIL has had dementia among other issues for a few years now and is of the tradition "I raised mine, you raise yours" so while a lovely mother and her and my spouse talk multiple times a week when she is able, she's never been an active grandparent. My kids and I have several other adults in their life - none related to them - who are support and examples. The grandparent ideal is unrealistic for many people for many reasons but finding the underlying desire - unconditional support, caring, wider people to spend time with, people to do certain activities with, can be achieved and I think daytimemom should work towards getting those for her family while coming to terms with the loss of the idea picture she wanted. In no way is blaming her husband going to help any of this.

My dc only have one grandparent left, the rest have died. The remaining one is also very old and not really able to do anything with them. It's no big deal for my dc as they understand all families are different. Other people have different nos of Brothers and sisters, or none, that's just life.

I understand why you are angry he didn't tell you about his parents and now is, but it sounds like he too was scared of your reaction and you have to remember he too would have been affected by his parents behavior.

So you're mad at your husband because his parents didn't love him? Poor fucker

You need to let this go OP. One day you'll be the grandparent you crave for your kids.

OP I’m sorry for your disappointment/disillusionment re your DH’s parents. It’s a shame as far your DC are concerned but I’m sure they are not as upset about the situation as you are. To them this is the normal as it for maybe half the children at least, in the country, if you count those who have no relationship at all through death or divorce etc
On MN we hear of “warm” relationships that parents’ feel aren’t entirely positive or in the DCs’ best interests.
Have you considered going NC with DH’s parents if your DCs are likely to be affected by their coldness and lack of interest?
From personal experience I know children seldom pine over the “what ifs “ and accept the way people are. These gps won’t be important people in your DCs lives unless you “talk them up”. Let them fade away into obscurity.
Meanwhile be kind to yourself and stop feeling responsible for the situation or blaming your husband ( for his misguided motives for not being frank with you )

The people totally battering the OP have no understanding what it is like to come from a totally dysfunctional background. No idea what it is like to feel so broken, incomplete and inadequate.

How would you know that?
Yabu.
What if your dh decided he no longer wanted you simply because of your parents?
Whats important is the family you’ve made.

@BrendasUmbrella

This probably won't be a popular opinion, but I don't think you should continue seeing a counsellor. It's giving you permission to wallow in self pity

not so much 'unpopular' as 'crashingly ill-informed and actually dangerous'. Talking therapy literally saves lives. How dare you tell her that the treatment she is having for her MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEM is a fucking indulgence. Would you tell a cancer sufferer to stop getting chemo because it was just 'allowing them to wallow' in their illness?

Fuck's actual sake I cannot believe the cloth-headed idiocy I see on here sometimes around mental health matters

There are no guarantees and if the ‘normality’ of his parents and childhood was such the deal breaker, why didn’t you do your due diligence? Surely there must have been some obvious signs before you got married and had kids. Pointing the finger to deflect from your own culpability is so lame.

Stick with your counsellor and work through ‘your issues.

it sounds from your most recent post that your DH lied by omission, in that he didn't correct you when you made assumptions about his family.

I can understand why that is such a big deal for you - it was very important to you, you made your own background very clear and understandably expected the same from him. I'm sure plenty of posters can think of things that for them personally (but not for others) would be a very big deal.

I don't really know where you go from this, other than continue with your counselling, but for you.

distance call

I know what you mean. Yes sorry I think I gave off the wrong message unintentionally.

Op I genuinely feel your DH when he heard of your hurt initially he didn’t see it as important to you personally to tell you of his childhood as as far as most people are concerned that part of his childhood might’ve made him understand you more and love you more and sympathise more ... and he wanted to be the man to hold you and make it better.

When we see someone hurting that we truly care about, we wanna confirm to them that we are strong and capable.

I don’t think he processed it the way you are looking back at it. I think he just felt this urge of love and responsibility to make your life better - by himself.

Op the child inside you feels that it will never have that ideal nurturing family it wanted. Loving parents and teasing siblings.

You do however have that loving family from a different perspective. You need to hug your inner hurting child , and say goodbye to them. To let them know that they’re loved, by you, the mature adult, who chooses to use the hurt to make a positive difference and to vow to never let your kids to feel the way your inner child has felt.

Let your inner child know that it’s not a fault of theirs that they couldn’t have what you are now able to provide for your kids. That they are worthy for so much because they were too beautiful and worthy of love. But that their life was that ugly duckling that turned into a beautiful swan. And let the happy side of your inner child now be happy and lively around your kids. Because little-you is the source of strength from which you poor love onto your kids.

I do feel part of your therapy is to give to your kids what you never had. To see them happy. And to perhaps resolve things with your own family. Confront or express feelings.

And for you and your DH to compensate each other for the loving family you always wanted. Both of you. But perhaps for him you were everything he wanted and didn’t care for your background. I do wish he could be the love you need too.

You can certainly fill that void with your husband and kids.

OP - sorry you’re getting a hard time on here. If your DH has been straight with you with everything else, maybe just take the time to understand that he hadn’t really processed or dealt with his own painful childhood and so he wasn’t being deceitful. Try and walk in his shoes.

Now - think about how you want to manage your own feelings. Can’t you put your energy into building a perfect childhood for your own kids? The two of you giving your children that which you never had?

Keep your nuclear family strong. Surely that’s the only healthy way forward for both of you?

He cannot help his parentage. As you cannot. Yabu. I think you ought to make some rules for engagement with his family. Lessen contact or just non contact. Fuck ‘em. If your DH is a good husband/father, you need to be thankful for that.

I would have liked my sons to have had grandparents and when I married DH it seemed as if our extended family would be a loving and close one, but there are no guarantees in this life. My father died in his 60's before we started our family, it was quite unexpected and I do feel he would have made a lovely grandfather. DH's father died of a heart condition when DS1 was about 9 months old, so no memory of him.
Dmil developed serious mental illness when the boys were young, spending a lot of time being sectioned in hospital and refusing medication and being erratic in her behaviour for the rest. That just leaves my mother, who did her best and loved my sons, but suffered terribly with anxiety general nervousness after my father died which limited where she could go and what we could do.

Despite an expectation that there would be years of kicking balls around, learning how cars work and enthusiastic attendance at school events none of these things have come to pass, nothing in life is certain.

If my husband had told me his mother was only probably temporarily sane when she was so kind and lovely to us in the first couple of years of our marriage, or that his father would not make old age I would have been sad but I married him, for all his many faceted loveliness, not his family.

I would have said I had an OK childhood myself before my DC got older and I realised that I never wanted them to feel like I did and it wasn't even close to the parameters of 'normal'.

I'm ashamed to say I actually let my mother and stepfather emotionally abuse my DC due to being so deep in the FOG and seeing it as the 'norm' I didn't see it as that bad. It was only when I stood up to them that DH saw the facade they put up to outsiders fall down. I had never told him what they had done to me before then.

I even married into a family that would never accept me (different cultures) which I never realised was significant until therapy in my late 30's. DH's family have always been distant and judgemental of me compared to if he'd married one of his own kind. They threatened to disown him, dismissing me as a filthy, lazy Ingleesh! They couldn't cope when they were proved completely wrong and my standards turned out to be much higher than his mothers and sisters. They refused to give even a grudging thanks when I got his parents out of a refugee camp rife with dysentery and brought them over here.

My DC don't have grandparents either (DH's parents are abroad, cant converse with them due to language, don't even know their birthdays and are like strangers to them on the bi annual visits we make). I bitterly regret it especially at birthdays and Christmas but it is what it is. I know if I'd had the sense to marry into a half way decent family it would have been so much easier to cope with my family going NC with me. Instead I had my SILs telling my adult DD that it was my fault and she should go behind my back and contact them, which she did but they blanked her .

I am furious at myself now that I married into a family like that but I knew no better and my self esteem was so low that I was grateful to DH for wanting me without even thinking about his background.

I have drummed it into my older DC to get to know their partners family well before they get married not that it'll help if they're in love but forewarned is forearmed. Their children will very interested and involved grandparents at least.

My dh had no idea how disfunctional my family is. It was normal to me. I knew sonething wasn’t right. But I’d been led to believe it was me, not them for my entire life. I agree with the posters saying you are displacing your anger.

Fuck's actual sake I cannot believe the cloth-headed idiocy I see on here sometimes around mental health matters angry

Agreed Names

This thread has certainly brought out some nasty people.

OP is long gone and who can blame her. Hopefully she's not reading their bilge, but there is some good advice from others on this thread.

Their children will have very interested and involved grandparents at least.

How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children

I take it you had kids straight away then, surely you would have noticed the relationship prior to getting engaged, moving in, getting married and having kids. You are selfish and sound vile