DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

It wouldn't have entered my head to ask DH for a run down on his family or what sort of grandparents they were likely to be.
As it turns out they've been pretty shit all round giving no real support when we've needed it.

I thought that people only married and had children with partners who they unconditionally loved and saw as their best friend. Going on OP's situation, clearly not.

"I would have married someone else had I known about this issue which is completely out of your control and not your fault" essentially.

Wow-I feel very sorry for your DH.

How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children

...

Are you even hearing yourself?

Is it possible he didn’t realise how important this was to you? Or maybe he didn’t realise his family and childhood wasn’t normal.

I think you need to find a way to work out your feelings on this. I get why it’s important to you but if your dh is a good person and this is the only issue then you should find a way to deal with it. Through counselling etc.

Perfect grandparents could die without a moments notice, or become sick or split up. Nothing is guaranteed.

If your dh is a good person focus on this. Create a wonderful childhood for your kids and be the wonderful grandparents in time for your grandkids.

I hope you find a way through this.

Because you craved a 'normal' family, you may have unreasonable expectations,

Quite a lot of people have grandparents that don't take much notice of them. Normal families have disagreements and bullying. Most families have strengths and weaknesses, and it isn't all fun.

I understand where you are coming from but you know yabu. All you have control over is your relationship with your children. As well as their grandparents my children have grandparent like friends of the family. Maybe your cHildenborough you end up with something similar?

You're being completely ridiculous by blaming your DH and you're focusing on a fantasy perfect family that doesn't exist!
Maybe counselling isn't that helpful to you if you can't accept your past is what it is and focus on the here and now?
My DS has no grandparents because they're all dead. I'm saddened by that but his childhood will still be memorable and happy because DH and I will do our very best for him.

This is a very strange thread. OP Don't get why it's his fault. You say yourself you met them. You need to think about how their behaviour passed you by. Are you not very observant generally. Are you interested in how your husband feels?

Perhaps DH considered his family to be normal. HIS normal, because he didn't know any different.

I think you are misdirecting your anger, as many have already said. I also think that you know that by now.

Concentrate on yourself, your children and your DH. They are your family and they need you. Give your children the best childhoods you can. Don't be angry with DH for something he had no control over.

I sympathise, OP. When you marry someone, you do marry their whole family. Look at mumsnet alone to see how much grief disfunctional in laws can cause. I myself married into a dysfunctional family and that really sucked the joy out of many, many otherwise happy occasions. Christmases and holidays ruined because of it. You have the right to know what you’re getting into whenyou build a life together, as harsh as iit sounds.

I’m divorced now and the second time around dating and I absolutely reject men who come from a very religious family because I know how manipulative people like that can be. And if I meet a man who tells me he hates his mother or his family, it makes me seriously think about the future because it may be that it’s not his fault but I know from experience it will affect my life as much as his if we end up together long term. Not saying I’d ourtight reject him but I’d think about thingsca

Posted to soon- meant to say I’d think about things carefully. And all of this is from my own bitter experience.

You are projecting onto your dh. By rights he should be as equally as angry with you as you are with him, for bringing shit grandparents to the table. Why have you given yourself a free pass for your parents but are holding him fully accountable for his parents whose behaviour he has no control over? Why should you be an exception to your own rule? You should never have pinned your entire happiness onto someone elses family, thats just crazy!

I suppose he may have thought you had a ounce of sense and insight.
He was very wrong.

If i had known dh's family better, i would not have married him either.

As adults, we make decisions based on the information we have, and what amounts to our best guess. Sometimes we're lucky and it ALL works out as expected, sometimes parts of it work out, sometimes we just get it wrong.

Be a grown up. Count your blessings.

@Jux

This isn’t about information available

Presumably you experienced first hand your husbands family before you married him. Many times.

Are you not concerned how your dh is seeing you after your reaction to his family relations? I would be thinking very hard about someone with such anger at me about a situation out of my control that had upset me because of what they thought they had lost out on.

I get where the disappointment comes from but your reaction is completely disproportionate and aimed at the wrong person. You’re being incredibly cruel.

You’re all grown up now and your children will have the family you create for them. Who is part of the extended family outside of your immediate unit doesn’t really matter if the core family experience is a good one. I’m not sure you are capable of providing that if you can’t see past your own desires and disappointments. You can’t change the past but if you don’t reconcile this you will be creating problems for your own children.

Op, how cruel are your comments? Be very very careful about passing your warped views onto your own children.

How about 2 wrong families making a right family? Be the family you and your dh never had.

Haven’t RTFT but I feel so sorry for both of you.
Love each other & give your children the best life possible. Learn from your experiences & grow together.
Grandparents are not as important as you might think ( I never even met mine as they lived on the other side of the world.

I can see the pathway that has brought you to this point OP, but it’s completely unfair and you need to put in more work in therapy to unravel your own issues. This is not your Eureka moment, and thinking that this is the answer will hold you back from working on and making peace with your own childhood.

My husband and I both had very little attention as kids, dysfunctional families, co-dependency crappy relationships within the families, all other insidious but not glaringly obvious issues. I don’t belive either of us fully understood how shit our families were until we had kids. Things happen with his family and I’m astonished, he’ll say that it happened previously at some other stage and I’m then further gobsmacked - he just says he thought it was normal.

I can’t blame my husband for not warning me. It’s only with hindsight that I realise the signs were all there that they were shit and would continue to be so. You just sort of hope. You go with the flow. People get so used to having things minimised and being gaslighted, that they don’t tell outsiders that they have felt abused or neglected. Even people they love, because they are conditioned to believe usually one of two things, either that it wasn’t bad and they have no business complaining, or that they’re a trouble maker and maybe even a bit nuts, disruptive, the only one causing problems. People don’t really get past that very easily.

Workreturner as dh didn't see them often, no i didn't. Once ot twice. Frankly, I assumed that would continue.

You sound nice (not)

There's robust advice, and then there's being rude for the sake of it. The OP sounds pretty stressed out. There is an actual human on the receiving end of all this.