DH should have told me how dysfunctional his family is

[daytimemom]

Come from a very dysfunctional family myself. As a result always longed for a “normal” family. One of the things which attracted me to DH was that he and his family seemed pretty “normal” ie mum, dad, brother, parents had “good” jobs, own home, no addictions. In fact the opposite to my background. Told DH about my own family, the impact it’s had on my life, how if I had children I wanted them to have a “normal” childhood and family.

When DH & I started going out I met his family lots of times & everything seemed fine. DH never once mentioned what I now know; his parents don’t care about him, they are tight with money & let their son pawn all his possessions when he was at uni as he was so broke. They have no interest in their son and zero interest in their grandchildren. When we visited them this summer there was no food in the house for us to eat.

I asked DH if he had ever had any sort of relationship with his parents. He said no. They took no interest in him as a child, they didn’t do anything together, no days out, no holidays, no conversations about what he should do with his life, nothing.

DH has admitted he only felt able to visit his parents when I was with him as it offered him some sort of “protection” against them ie with me there they were less likely to shout or have a go at him.

My counsellor said I am so angry because with DH I thought I was getting the family I craved.

I am just so angry with DH. How dare he not tell me about how awful his parents are until we are married and have children. I feel so guilty that I have had children with a man whose parents have zero interest in their grandchildren. At the back of my mind I think if I had married someone else I would have given my children grandparents who would have loved them. I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

I was honest with DH about my family so he should have been honest with me. It’s only now, when it’s too late that he shares all the horrible tales from his childhood!

But couldn't he say the same to you, that by marrying you his kids have missed out on 'normal' grandparents because of your dysfunctional family?

Giving your children a 'normal' upbringing is for you to do. Grandparents are only side players in that. I would set some time aside to talk this through with your counsellor and process your feelings instead of taking it out on your DH.

I’m literally horrified by this thread, I normally stick up for ops when threads turn against them or I get their point of view.

I really don’t in this case, it’s so warped and selfish and just downright odd!! Like you’d want to date someone’s parents, work out how involved they’d be...

I’m not with father of my baby, his mums randomly lovely, should I just make it work as she’ll be a great grandma, even tho I don’t love the Dad?

Why didn't he tell you?
I think Dione is right about your anger.

I have shit parents, my in-laws are even worse. My dh didn't realise how bad they were, but I blame them rather than him.
Your anger is fine though OP, I understand it. Just direct it where it belongs.

I'll bet that if he had told you then you'd be angry about that instead because he turned it into a competition about who had the worst parents.

Do children actually need a relationship with their grandparents? Yes, on paper it's great to do baking and gardening and days out with them and to have them close by as handy babysitters, but an awful lot of people/families get by without that and their lives are no worse for it. I have no other advice really apart from get the doting grandparent idea out of your head and concentrate instead on your nuclear family and your friends.

YABU. If you had known he had come from a 'dysfunctional' family would it have changed how you felt about him? Maybe he was late to realise his family is dysfunctional, maybe he considered his family life 'normal' when he was younger, maybe having children of his own has made him realise his parents weren't the greatest?

Okay I understand your frustration that he hid this from you.

At the end of the day though - how is the rest of your relationship? The fact is you don't need a huge extended family to have a family life.

If you and DH are otherwise strong and good parents then your DC will have a great childhood and hopefully will go on to have their own families. Both you and DH can make sure you don't end up like either of your parents and be the great grandparents that they never were.

As if it took for you to marry him and have children with him to realise his parents faults. Seems strange.

Wow OP. You’re a dick.

Your poor husband you married him not his family surely you noticed how distant they were whenyou were around them ? It isn't your husbands fault your family damaged you

I can really empathise with this OP, I didn't have much family and what I did was awful so I was always hoping to remedy that with finding a partner with a 'proper' family.
The thing is, there's no such thing as one really, I've yet to encounter a family without something going on, it's not guaranteed you'd get on either, or they'd like you and vice versa. Truly meshing with someone else's close family as an 'outsider' is just quite often not like the movies frankly.

Unfortunately, it's your responsibility to deal with your disappointment on this matter, and to work with your counsellor to deal with your anger and sense of loss over not 'having/getting' a family, or your entitlement to get a new one via a partner.

You are married to your DH, it's not a package deal, he's not an entry purchase for you getting the family you wanted and you are being very very unfair to him. You not getting the outcome you wanted with a quick buy in to an extended family does not mean he deceived you.

It's tough, OP, I do get it but your DH and DC are your family too and I can't see how resentment like this is healthy for them. You can't really criticise his parents for not caring about him if you don't mind his feelings either, neither sound a very pleasant family dynamic if you are making it obvious to him that you think these things

He married you and had kids regardless of your background. But, because his family isn't perfect either, you are angry at him? Poor sod.

To those saying OP is evil: don't underestimate how much awful parents fuck you up. Especially when you start thinking about having your own children.

Sounds like you should get a new counsellor.

You had images of perfect country garden days with the grandparents and that won't happen, so you're mourning that.

But your relationship, your kids, are what matters. Be happy that you two can build a stable happy home for your kids as you are.

I don't think being tight with money and feeling comfortable with your child selling stuff at uni to make things work is so terrible really and I wonder why you have added that into your idea that they are dysfunctional?

I can't imagine that your DH would have known that being ignored was dysfunctional. It was his normal against which it is hard to compare with other families. As for 'having a go' and shouting, I mean these are things that are hard to put your finger on as immediately dysfunctional unless it's in such volumes that it is obviously outside the norm of the other families that you know.

I don't think your dh hoodwinked you and I think you are being unreasonable.

You keep saying you feel guilty, but in fact you just seem angry. Are you saying you never really loved your husband, and only married him because you thought his parents would be doting grandparents?

Either way, you need to work through it, and I would suggest a better counsellor. Having disinterested grandparents is no big deal (at all). Having a mother who harbours unreasonable anger and throws blame on people she is supposed to love is a very big deal.

YABU.

There is no such thing as a 'normal' family. There will always be some level of dysfunction somewhere within it, to a greater or lesser extent.

Grandparents are not essential, neither are Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc. As a parent it is up to you to give your children a stable & loving upbringing.

But OP, you can have a normal family, but it consists of your husband and children. Please don’t be angry with your husband as you will end up letting that anger destroy your own family. Emotional distance/abuse can be very difficult for someone to talk about, as they end up with the ‘but at least they never beat you, put a roof over your head, etc’ responses, so they learn to stop talking about it. I know you can imagine what it’s like for a small child to feel unloved and unworthy of being loved.

I think you should be very proud of the fact that you and your husband were able to commit to a relationship and create your own little family. If he had wonderful parents nd they suddenly died in an accident before you got married, would you have left him? You need to deal with your feelings, but through your counsellor and maybe your husband could also benefit from seeing a counsellor. You don’t get to punish him for your childhood and also punish him for his. That’s unfair to the point of being selfish.

Wow you are horrid, your poor husband.

Choosing a husband based on what future grandparents might be like is just super weird. Some people don't have grandparents at all you know, because, well they can die.

And how come you didn't make better efforts to get to know your husband before you married him?

My parents were pretty awful to me, so if my husband was as awful a person as you are, it means he would not have married me because I was poorly treated as a child. And you think this is ok?

The two of you could give your children the sort of family life you never had.

Yabu

Wow! He probably assumed you were marrying him because you loved him and not because you thought he came as a package!! You have made your love for him conditional - conditional in the sense that you were only going to love him if he gave you the family he wanted.
BUT HE DID - YOUR OWN FAMILY to nuture and love. I think you have projected all your anger of not having the family you wanted onto him - poor guy!
To be honest, I suspect the reason you fell in love with each other is because you both came from dysfunctional families and 'got' each other. But now YOU are risking possibly making your own family dysfunctional by refusing to see what you have in front of your own eyes - your own family to make things different with. Please wake up! Enjoy the family you have!
Lots of people all over the world don't have extended family live near them for many reasons - they cope by filling their lives with each other as well as finding other people who want to be part of a family. You don't have to be blood related to play a grandparent role with children - find a lovely elderly neighbour or friend who would treasure the opportunity to grandparent your children.

You sound really horrible op

I know there is no guarantee but they couldn’t have any worse grandparents.

Er, yes they could. For example they could have GP who seemed lovely but then sexually abused them behind closed doors. There are far worse things than disinterest! Yabvu. Time to stop the self pity, give your poor DH a break, and concentrate on being great parents. That will be far more useful to your children than extended family could ever be.

Bizarre

My H had a similar reaction when I realised how abusive my family were. He felt somehow cheated like I had deliberately withheld that information when actually they were my 'norm' and I didn't consciously see it until I started therapy for something I didn't think was related.

If you can't be mutually supportive of your DH with your shared experiences, that will benefit you in ensuring the cycle ends with the both of you, then leave him to find someone who truly loves HIM as he deserves.