To not want to sleep train my one year old? (He's currently crying his eyes out for me in the other room. So angry at my husband about it.

[tablebrush]

I am so close to storming out of this bedroom and getting my baby. He is in with his dad in his nursery.
He is ebf and was waking constantly in the night so we started night weaning/sleep training and husband went in to settle him each time, then at 4am he comes into our bed and feeds until morning. It was going well with less wake ups but then we had some disruptions due to illness and now it just doesn't seem to be getting back on track!
He's waking constantly over the last few nights and right now is the worst. He's crying so much and I know he wants me.
I feel like I want to just go in the spare room and co sleep with him again, I'm so angry at my husband as he won't even entertain this idea or any others and gets angry when I bring it up.
I'm sorry for long post. Thanks for reading if anyone still is x

If you're a month in and your baby hasn't taken to the new routine then I'd suggest having a break from it and definitely don't try training while he's teething. I feel so bad for you, I know your husband means well but his approach can't be helping anyone. Your child will only become more clingy and it must be heart breaking for you to listen to the crying and not be able to comfort him. A quick cuddle from you will settle him so much quicker.

I insisted I did the CIO sleep training with DS, I know the difference in his cries so although it was tough going for a few nights, I knew when I should go in to him and when he was just whining. I was sure DS wasn't ill, teething or going through a development phase and it took 3 nights to crack it. It was hard going, especially on the first night but he's so much better now.

So your instincts are telling you to go in and comfort your still very young baby and your DH is telling you not to. Why on earth are you being told what to do by your DH? Parenting is hard and there will be many things you disagree on. AT the moment your instincts are telling you to comfort your baby, you'd DH is telling you what to do - follow your instincts not your DH!

What @RedSkyLastNight said re all commenters with great sleepers. Not helpful, just bragging.

He's crying but he's not abandoned or frightened, his dad is with him. I think the teo of you should talk this over some more.

It's hard when both parents have different opinions on things like sleep training. You need to discuss and agree when things are calmer eg go and see baby when crying for more than 10 min for example.

As an aside we sleep trained both babies and it worked after the second night (didn't just leave to cry, one was older and we went in every 10 min to comfort including picking up and cuddling and the other was younger so we sat next to their cot til they were asleep and gradually moved it say from cot each night til outside the room). If it hasn't worked after a few weeks I'd say it doesn't sound like the method you're using is going to work. How does baby actually go to sleep? If comes into your bed at 4am - he will be expecting this and doesn't known when 4am is and may be confusing for him. If you are still rocking or feeding to sleep initially this will be confusing as well. Even though we sleep trained, if either of ours sounds very distressed rather than just pissed off at going to bed, or they cry more frequently than normal, or cry for longer than normal then we will absolutely go on and comfort and cuddle them and if they need it we still sometimes take them in with us. Sleep training means to help them learn to fall asleep by themselves not just being left to it if they're very upset or ill

I hope you get it sorted

Your child needs reassuarance and comfort from his mother, please don't deprive him of that. It won't last forever.

I tried to do this for a few days with DS and ended up co sleeping instead as it was upsetting him so much.

He’s such a happy boy going to bed and I’m sure he won’t be still wanting to sleep with us when he’s 18 so I’m not worried

Just to add all kids are different. My three year is a nightmare sleeper still but the baby is already really good. Co sleep in the spare room if your husband moans about baby in your bed.

I sleep trained my 1 year old ages ago, he's slept through a solid 12 hours since about 5 months bar teething etc. If he was screaming his head off I'd still go in! I just leave him if he's whinging or doing a sort of half cry, but absolute histerics? No chance!

You're not sleep training.

You are telling your Baby that if he is in pain/discomfort, you won't come and soothe him. I know I'm going to be accused of using emotive language, but that's what you are doing.

If you aren't going to comfort feed him and that's part of what makes BF so go I'd, it relieves pain, then use painkillers and use formula/dummy.

EBF babies are used to suckling. It isn't just about food. They are more used to you.

Research shows that at five/six those that were sleep trained, don't sleep any better than those that wasn't.

What is the point of this, if you are awake in distress? A month of this is cruelty.

Oh and this level of distress still effects brain development at this age. SIDS advice is also up until two, but the main danger period is still 18 months.

Does your DH understand this?

BS birds, if you’re going to state things as fact make sure you know they’re fact rather than cause a worried mother even more concern

The parent that deals with the baby in the night should be the one who decides whether or not to sleep train. The other parent can give their opinion but the final call should be on the one that gets up with them in the night. As you are willing to co-sleep or get up in the night with your baby then it should be your choice. Plus it sounds like it's really not working for him right now.

Really birds? So mums of babies had better never leave them right? Not with their dads, or a grandparent, or nursery or childminder. Given what irreversible damage it does.

Go and get him, he'll settle co sleeping with you. Bless .

Don't let people stress you out with conflicting advice. The first thing to remember is that you have not harmed your baby by doing controlled crying recently. Equally, if you decide it isn't for you your baby will outgrow waking at night, whether you do controlled crying or not. It is simply a matter of choosing the method that works for you. In your case, I see no point in lying awake at night feeling miserable and listening to your baby crying.

Ours we EBF. The oldest slept through from 8 months. The youngest kept waking in the night even after fully weaned - almost always ended up in our bed at some point until about 4 years old. We had no ability to control it because we would wake to find a little person snuggled up under our duvet in the morning. It didn't last forever and in some ways I quite miss it.

Hi everyone, sorry for late reply and thanks so much for writing back. Your comments have all made me think and the supportive ones have been very helpful.
Just to write a bit more. I was very emotional last night. Baby did eventually settle with his dad and slept in his cot for another hour before coming in with us.
DH is a good dad and was in with DS the whole time, holding him and singing to him (this is how we've been sleep training, DH does night wakings, rocks/songs him back to sleep and puts him back in cot; repeats).
This had been working when we first tried it. We were down to one night waking, at about 4 then baby would come into our bed, have a quick feed then sleep until 7.
Then my husband injured his arm and we both got norovirus so it all went to pot, I did some night wakings and fed him.

The problem is I just can't settle him without feeding him.
The reason we started sleep training was that DS was waking between 8-10 times a night and nursing and I was becoming unable to handle it and it was impacting on my parenting in the day times as I was so exhausted. DH was worried about me and also exhausted and so we decided to try something (albeit a little reluctantly on my part).
The HV also recommended this approach of sleep training.

I am going to take on board the 4am advice though. I had though going from constant feeding to non would be too much for him but it makes sense that I am making it more difficult for him. I will cut them out until morning (6am) and then get up and feed him:get up with him.

I think it's harsh to say that I am damaging him. But I admit the way I wrote the message made it seem like DH is an a hole. He isn't I promise, he's just trying to stay strong, and I know I can make things difficult when I change my mind. I didn't want to go in as I was worried it would negatively impact my baby and make him cry for longer next time to get me.

My problem now is that he also has a cold and I'm wondering whether to take people's advice and scrap the sleep training for another while and then start again from scratch.

Also, he has never been left alone to cry (maybe that's the problem 🤷‍♀️).

I'm still so confused. I feel like my instincts are different to my common sense. In the lights of day it seems easier. But in the night everything tells me to get him.

Last night was the longest he's cried (he usually resettles in 10 mins max!) so it got to me more.

Sorry I've written another essay! Thank you again to everyone who wrote back I very much appreciate every input x

Also re reading replies, maybe it is just a developmental thing that can't be forced as some of you have said.
The only thing I think about that in my situation is that he has had much better nights after night weaning. So I know he can do it.
I wouldn't mind at all if he woke once in the night to be fed back to sleep but it was constant!

I thought your DH was getting some unfair stick. Everything is hard at 3am, I’m truly dreadful with sleep deprivation!

I think leaving it whilst he’s poorly is a good idea. My girls usually sleep 12hrs a night now at 14m but have colds right now and have been waking every hour. It’s no fun but we will get them back on track once they’re better!

Fuck that, definitely get him.

Definitely wait until he's better (I've been sleep training my baby but then he caught a cold so now we're back to many many feeds in the night)

If your DH is rocking him to sleep each time then that isn't going to help him stop waking so much, he should try to settle him in the cot (stroking his back/belly/legs, patting, holding his hand, whatever comforts him without holding him) so that he starts falling asleep in the cot and then he can start working on gradually stopping the patting earlier and earlier. That's the recommended style of sleep training where I am, not leaving them to cry but still teaching them to fall asleep by themselves (doesn't work with all babies though, not with mine at least, he gets more upset)

Go with your spot-on instinct OP and go get him.

Same experience as @Natsku. Baby got more upset with the no cry sleep method. Eventually we just had to do cry it out. My experience sounds very similar to yours too OP. I wasn't functioning, baby wasn't functioning and we were desperate as I was about to also become a temporary full time carer for someone. CIO wasn't awful for us, there were a few 20 minute cries but it was so worth it. DS is so much better rested and happier, as am I. You need to do what you feel is best and suits your family, and you and DH need to be in full agreement. I'd recommend for now that you stop what your doing, re-evaluate and agree a new plan. But if you are going to CIO I recommend reading the Dr Ferber book for some actual science and good guidance.

Hope you get some sleep one way or another!x

Sleep can just be such a nightmare OP. I really feel for you

Your instincts are common-sensical. It makes perfect common sense to go and get your one-year-old when he's screaming for you.