Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to not wear a head scarf

137 replies

Itsmemotherfuckers · 11/11/2018 23:27

I am going to brave the shave for Macmillan and im super excited!

I have had so many positive comments but somewhere I volunteer (non facing client role) has said that when I come in to volunteer I must wear a scarf! reasons are im going from a head full of hair to an extreme hair cut :/

I don't know If iabu or not by telling them actually stick it or its their premises and work so I should adhere to what they say.

I really enjoy volunteering there and I don't want to stop but I am also doing this to raise money, awareness and selfishly to make myself feel better by knowing im doing something.

what do you think?

OP posts:
Ilovemypantry · 12/11/2018 00:53

Apart from cancer sufferers not being keen on the whole Brave the Shave thing, I personally think it is a bit “show-offy”. As in “look at me, aren’t I amazing for shaving my head for charity?”. I think a more subtle approach for fundraising would be more dignified (sorry just my opinion).

mumsastudent · 12/11/2018 00:56

I cringe when people put things on facebook about liking a page about cancer survivors & how heroic they & their family are - when someone is in remission what they &their family want is too just live & enjoy/make the most of each day not to be consistently reminded or asked to favour a ### facebook page.

ReanimatedSGB · 12/11/2018 01:11

Setting aside whether or not it is a good thing to shave your head for cancer charities, your employer is out of order demanding that you cover your head. It isn't any of their business if you have very short hair, or no hair, or dreadlocks, or waist-length ringlets (OK, if you have long hair and a job that involves not dangling it in the product, then it's OK for an employer to insist that hair is tied back.)

TheDowagerCuntess · 12/11/2018 01:13

My cousin's daughter had leukaemia a couple of years ago from the ages of 8-9.

Her Mum (my CIL) also shaved her head to raise funds. Some of her best little friends also did it.

I hope this thread doesn't make you feel too bad itsme. Thanks

SofiaAmes · 12/11/2018 01:24

By the way, for what it's worth, there is a system of scalp cooling that can prevent the hair loss that comes with chemo. My friend did it and didn't lose any hair at all. Perhaps you could donate money for that system to be available to some cancer patients as I don't think it's regularly available on the NHS.

Greensleeves · 12/11/2018 01:29

I think OP had had a bit of an unfair kicking here. I won't pretend to be an expert on Macmillan (or cancer) but when my dad had stage 4 Burkitt's lymphoma last year Macmillan were brilliant. They offered support and advocacy, they do run a hospice local to my dad which offered outreach support to my dad and his partner (it's known as "the Dougie Mac" locally and much-loved by the community), they were able to give advice about handling his catheter and his pain and his dementia.

I don't know about the "brave the shave" thing, I haven't had cancer myself so I don't feel I can gainsay those who say they find it patronising. I do think "insulting" is too strong though, that implies intent, and as far as I can see, OP and others who do this do so with the most altruistic of intentions.

abacucat · 12/11/2018 01:41

Volunteers are not legally protected from the discrimination laws that protect employees.

FoldyRoll · 12/11/2018 01:43

FFS, OP is trying to do something nice, can everyone stop being so shitty about it?

Brave the Shave may be offensive to some cancer patients, but by no means all of us. This time last year, my hair was coming out in fistfuls thanks to cancer treatment. It fucking sucked. At the same time, a friend of a friend on twitter coincidentally did BtS and I thought it was great; a really great gesture and money raiser.

The worst thing about cancer is not losing your hair, it's knowing you'll not live to see your kids grow up.

Thank you for doing this OP. I appreciate it. Thanks

As PP have said, you should only need to wear a headscarf in your volunteer role if a man with the same haircut would also have to.

frami · 12/11/2018 02:03

Why does everyone assume that a woman without hair has Cancer? and why are men never criticised for shaving their heads?
As someone with hair loss not due to Cancer I hate this. If I wear a headscarf I am assumed to have Cancer and get criticised because I do not have It. However, if I go bare headed I'm also accused of insulting/mocking cancer patients or shaving it for attention yet cancer patients hair usually grows back once treatment ends whereas people like myself are unlikely ever to regain their hair.

OP only wear a headscrarf if you want to and good luck with the challenge.

Letsgetreadytorumba · 12/11/2018 10:20

I find brave the shave really insulting too - I didn’t have a choice in losing my hair, I also didn’t look cute and elfin, I looked like a fucking chipmonk.

Those who are saying Macmillan aren’t great - they’re transparent about what they spend and more goes on their services than marie Curie. There’s a place for both organisations, Macmillan fund for the first three years but they also do a lot of information work, built bits of a local cancer hospital etc.

pretendingtowork1 · 12/11/2018 10:27

Just don't do it - Macmillan have been told many many times that lots of those with cancer find it offensive. Go and run 5k instead.

RB68 · 12/11/2018 10:45

you are all missing the point and have hijacked the thread.

In terms of where you are volunteering, I would just say their options are put up with it and wear what you like OR you won't be coming in for a few weeks, I would also let them know the reason for that is the way they are discriminating against you.

Having said that its flipping cold at the moment so i would perhaps wear a Santa hat or something equally ridiculous...

FinnJuhl · 12/11/2018 11:02

Shaving you head is not 'brave', I can't believe they can even dare to call it that!

If it's going to cause problems at work I wouldn't bother. It makes the drama all about you, and not about the charity. Why not organise a Macmillan coffee morning at work instead?

AW1992 · 12/11/2018 11:06

I didn't realise until reading this thread that some cancer survivors dislike the brave the shave idea but I can understand why. I'd wear the headscarf or find an alternative way to raise money for such a good cause.

TrickyKid · 12/11/2018 11:11

Of course you don't need to wear a scarf. What if a shaven head was someone's chosen hair cut, would they ask them to cover their head? It's nothing to do with them.

hiphopchick · 12/11/2018 11:11

@ilovemypantry

Apart from cancer sufferers not being keen on the whole Brave the Shave thing, I personally think it is a bit “show-offy”. As in “look at me, aren’t I amazing for shaving my head for charity?”. I think a more subtle approach for fundraising would be more dignified (sorry just my opinion.)

And it's my opinion too. It does remind me of the old Harry Enfield character Mike Smash 'I do a lot of work for charidee, but I don't like to talk about it.........'

I know the OP means well, and she is probably a nice person, but I really do dislike it when people do something for charity, and then plaster it all over social media, so everyone can see how wonderful they are. It's just a bit narcissistic.

And as many posters have said, it is also rather offensive to many people who have lost their hair through cancer. A few people have said they had cancer, and lost their hair and they are not offended by 'brave the shave...'

Big deal. Just because you were apparently not offended, that doesn't mean many others are not offended. Many people find it offensive when people shave their head for cancer. Brave the shave is dire IMO.

As a poster said very early on in the thread, maybe the OP's employer thinks people who have suffered from cancer will be upset and offended by it. As has been said, many of them will be.

TheRenegadeMaster · 12/11/2018 11:15

How insulting. What about cancer patients or alopecia sufferers. Id be inclined to just show up without a head scarf and see if they actually impose this 'rule'

You're volunteering so they should be grateful? No one is offended by a bald head!

TheRenegadeMaster · 12/11/2018 11:17

Just read the thread (sorry for slightly mad and responded before I read...)

I didn't know it was offensive to shave for charity Shock

I know a boy who was diagnosed and lost his hair through chemo and all of his friends had a massive event where they all shaved their heads and they raised thousands, was a really good day and the boy it was for, really appreciated it.

cricketmum84 · 12/11/2018 11:19

OP please don't feel bad. You have the best of intentions. As you can see from some of the PPs brave the shave appears to be a bit of a minefield in terms of who is offended by it and who isn't. I admit I would never have even thought about people being offended by it until I read some of the real life opinions on here but can totally see why some don't like it.

But back to the question in hand - I would push back on their decision. And I would be asking at what point they would be asking bald headed men to cover their obviously highly offensive heads too!

pretendingtowork1 · 12/11/2018 12:19

We're not missing the point. Maybe the OP will take it on board and do something else to raise the money, in which case something will have been accomplished.

Rachelover40 · 12/11/2018 12:26

I appreciate your good intentions, op. No personal criticisms of you because you meant well.

However please try to think of something else to do. A fit, healthy, bald person demonstration for MacMillan charity is nothing like someone who is ill and having chemo. you have choice, they don't.

MacMillan is marvellous and has lots of suggestions for fund raising.

SpendingYearsWondering · 12/11/2018 12:33

MacMillan is marvellous

They hijacked the icebucket ALS/MND, unforgivable. Not only that, there have been plenty of threads on here over the years about MacMillan, just do a search. I would rather give to cancer research or a hospice.

Bombardier25966 · 12/11/2018 12:44

good luck with the challenge.

What's challenging about choosing to have your head shaved? Most sponsored activities require some effort on the part of the fundraiser, a run or organising an event. Having your head shaved requires sitting in a chair whilst someone shaves your head.

It's in the same league as bee tattoos after the Manchester bombing. Bandwagon.

ThistlesandHarebells · 12/11/2018 12:52

I survived cancer(not breast). It could return at any time.

During my very intense, very long, chemo I lost all my hair - head, eyebrows, eyelashes, even pubic hair.

I am not remotely offended by anyone who wishes to shave their head to fund raise or for any other reason.