I'm sad about this but been told I'm being ungrateful

[Carveitup]

I keep pet birds, and currently have some quite unusual and exotic birds in an aviary which has a lockable house inside it. They are not very old, and still need a bit of protection so they spend the day in the run and on a night they are locked in their house. I have been recuperating from surgery this week and my mum came to help out. She's been putting the birds to bed each night. Over the course of the week 2 of the birds have been killed in their run by a predator. The house is predator-proof, the run is not as it is too big but it is generally safe during the day. My DD opens the house each morning but while we were discussing how on earth they could have been killed as the birds have been in their house overnight, DD said that the house had actually been open every morning this week and she thought my mum had opened it. When I asked my mum about it she said she hadn't opened the door, but she hadn't been closing it properly and locking it either. She thought I was over-exaggerating about the predator risk and also the door was a bit sticky so she thought it wasn't normally closed.

The relationship between me and my mum is a difficult one, so I didn't say anything because I knew anything at all that I said at this point would be wrong. However she's accused me of being ungrateful for her help out while I was out of action, and pointed out that birds generally don't (in her opinion) live long in my care. We do lose the odd bird or chick to predators which is not unusual when you free range birds and my birds do usually free range during daylight hours. Most of my birds live a natural life span, we have several very ancient chickens atm.

I've been told 'it's not like someone didn't shut your pet dog away resulting in it being killed. They are only birds.' But I'm upset about it, and DD is devastated. We'd had them since they were newly hatched and they are apparently fragile chicks and difficult to raise, but they were nearly half adult size and growing really well. Because of the breed they are I won't be able to replace the lost birds until next summer. AIBU to be upset about my dead birds?

Ilikeknitting
Lock your pets up yourself. Problem solved!

Did you bother to actually read the OP? Or are you actually Carveitup's rather callous mother?

You are right to be upset.
I would tell her " It is because they are birds,that depended on humans for their safety,that I asked you,my mother,to care for them.Why did you not realize that this was because it was important?"
I have every sympathy for you.People like your mother don't know how lucky we are to have birds around us,or how special,intelligent and fascinating they are.How bleak a life.

Of course not NBU!

My mother is like that, she always turns things back on me, she lost my DC’s favourite toy a few years ago through sheer carelessness, five years on and she finally admitted she felt bad about it. But in those five years she’s given me so much shit about it, turning it back on me, ridiculing me and my DC.

Your mother is your mother. A bird is just a bird. Don’t ask your mother to look after your pets again but remember how important this human relationship is. Your have got things entirely about face.

Good grief. Loads of ill-informed virtue signalling on this thread!

Imagine if OP had posted a thread saying she had left her young birds out all night and a predator had killed them, the very same people would be on this thread condemning her for being really cruel because she hadn't kept them safe in a cage !

I'm sorry to hear about your birds, OP. YADNBU. Hope your 'don't know yet' is a girl.

I'm really sorry for your loss it really isn't just a case of "they are only birds" we lost some chickens (Free range for all you haters out there) a few years back to a dog attack and it was awful. I think it's worse how dismissive your mum is about it all. And seriously people read a thread before replying your caged bird nonsense ... it's temporary!! I hope your other birds stay healthy until they can roam free 😊

Definitely NBU. So sorry for your losses. Hope you get well soon too.

Sorry but yanbu.
Once is a mistake. Twice is not. She shoul have cared for them better - poor birds.

YANBU but this is why I won't let my parents look after any animals of mine. They just have such different standards. One of the family dogs was hit on the road, twice, because my mum let him wander. Her excuse - "I was too busy to shut him in". Well great, now he has to deal with being injured and you have to get him to the vets. Do you have time for that? Then there was the pony that should have been put down months before she was. I ended up finding her staggering around with major organ failure, totally stressed, desperate to die and my mum didn't want to phone the vet because "it's 6am, it's too early to disturb him". He's a fucking vet mum. Being on call for seriously sick animals is part of the job.

And the latest one, friends who were moving abroad gave her a cat to look after. Cat in new, strange home. Should have been shut in for 3 weeks. Mum let her out after 24 hours. "I was with her all the time, she just vanished, I don't understand why".

I love my mum. But like fuck would I let her be responsible for any of my animals.

Sorry about your two birds.

I have chickens and two mallard ducks. I'm in the U.S and the big problem I have here are raccoons and red tail hawks.

Raccoons don't dig but they have handy little paws that can get into things. There were five young raccoons and working as a team they ripped the nesting box lid off my hen house and killed my hen. I heard the ruckus and caught them dragging the poor dead hen up into a tree. The rooster was injured and very traumatized. He fell into deep depression and died a few months later.

Before buying replacement chicks I spent about a $1,000 on a lovely sturdy coop and run. This will horrify the virtue signalers but I kept the chicks inside in a brooder under heat lamps until they were ready to be let out so they could soar in the sky as Rhode Island Reds like to do.

My mum had a similar attitude as yours.

So sorry for your loss, OP.
And even more sorry that your mother is being so callous in disregarding your justified upset and the fact that she caused it. Anyone who accepts the responsibility of looking after someone else’s animals should unquestioningly follow exactly their instructions for caring for those animals, to the letter. It boggles my mind that anyone would decide that, despite not having their own knowledge or experience, somehow they magically know best. Just awful. She’s completely in the wrong, but I doubt you’ll ever get her to acknowledge that.

YANBU but your mother will never see that. She will never acknowledge the responsibility either, because to do that, she would have to both agree that she'd been at fault and feel guilty for it.
She doesn't want to do either of those things, so she's turning it back on you to make it YOUR fault so she doesn't have to feel guilty.

You won't change her, but you are not being ungrateful either. I'd be very upset too in your shoes. Just because someone else has no value for your pets, they still mean something to you and it's very typical self-absorbed behaviour for her not to want to see that.

You are entirely unreasonable for keeping birds in an aviary

This. It’s fucking cruel. The main thing about birds is THAT THEY CAN FLY. You are stopping them from carrying out that basic function.

CRUEL AS FUCK

YANBU.

Your mum is apparently someone you have to tiptoe around. A sad situation.

I keep my cat indoors because of hawks and coyotes - they approach the city where I live along the railroad tracks.

I know cats like to go out, roam around, lie in the sun, and kill birds and small mammals, but I don't want my cat meeting an untimely and painful death just so that nature can take its course and hawks can feed their young. That's what squirrels are for.

To the people asking why your DD didn't double check: she didn't think she had to because why would she think that her grandma would leave the door open and not tell anyone?

OP your mother has done this sort of thing in the past and she cyberstalks you?

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread?
My mother did things like this. If there's anyone around she will offer to help with things and she seems quite enthusiastic but somehow something always goes so wrong that you wish she'd never offered. I figured that she likes the idea of being a helpful person but she's outraged by the idea that her offer of help might mean she actually has to help and then she's resentful so she messes it up to start a fight. Then she can go away feeling properly hard done by - she was only trying to help and this is all the thanks she gets etc - even though it happens so frequently that it couldn't possibly be a mistake.

The main thing about birds is THAT THEY CAN FLY. You are stopping them from carrying out that basic function.

She isn't actually, if you read the OP's responses to this initial accusation. I'm not a fan of keeping birds as pets but the OP gives them a huge amount of freedom once they're adult and have worked out where home is. (And I stable my horse at times so am not really in a position to be that critical!)

This. It’s fucking cruel. The main thing about birds is THAT THEY CAN FLY. You are stopping them from carrying out that basic function.

CRUEL AS FUCK

You do know that birds don't fly when they are asleep at night right? Have you even read the OP posts? They are only being kept in until they are old enough to be free ranging so that they aren't killed by the local wildlife and you think that is cruel?!

TheCraicDealer

I’m also scared of them since a large ‘Bird who shall not be named* chased me up a tree when I was 9. It charged out of a bush at me!

Your Mum was careless and cruel. Poor you. I hope someone else can help you if you are in that situation again. Really sorry for your loss.

Any time anyone says "It's just a..." or "It's only a..." that is them saying "I don't give a fuck about what's important to you".

I mean you'd be equally able to borrow her car, drive it into a wall, and then reply "It's only a car" when she gets upset about it.

Charolais "so they could soar in the sky as Rhode Island Reds like to do"
That's made me laugh!

@toomuchtooold that is suspiciously close to the mark. And has she done it before? Well, the surgery was to fix an old injury. She came to look after me during the aftermath of my injury happening (where I was is a much more incapacitated state) and I had eggs in the incubator for another, different breed of tricky-to-raise birds. She'd made comments about wanting to open the incubator to watch them hatch, I asked her not to do that please, but since I was immobile at that point she thought she could get away with opening the incubator to watch and I wouldn't know. She didn't replace the lid properly after her illicit peek, and the temperature dropped and two thirds of the chicks died either after hatching or while still in the process of hatching.

The Killing of the baby birds .....I find that very sinister 🤨

Will all the dickheads banging on about caged birds read the fucking thread!!!!

The OP has said numerous times, they are in a an aviary by day and secure house overnight whilst they are growing and at risk from predators. Once grown enough they will be free ranging.

OP - your mother doesn't value your birds lives, so your only solution is not to involve her in their care in anyway. And when she came out with the nonsense about it not being like a dog etc you should have said "actually, it is EXACTLY the same".

OP I think anyone who keeps a bird in a cage or 'aviary' as you call it is the personification of evil.

Why would anyone keep a fucking bird ( which is meant to FLY) in a cage? I find this kind of cruelty inexcusable. They are not ornaments, they are sentient beings and should not be confined.

They birds are probably better off dead than living imprisoned in cages.