I'm sad about this but been told I'm being ungrateful

[Carveitup]

I keep pet birds, and currently have some quite unusual and exotic birds in an aviary which has a lockable house inside it. They are not very old, and still need a bit of protection so they spend the day in the run and on a night they are locked in their house. I have been recuperating from surgery this week and my mum came to help out. She's been putting the birds to bed each night. Over the course of the week 2 of the birds have been killed in their run by a predator. The house is predator-proof, the run is not as it is too big but it is generally safe during the day. My DD opens the house each morning but while we were discussing how on earth they could have been killed as the birds have been in their house overnight, DD said that the house had actually been open every morning this week and she thought my mum had opened it. When I asked my mum about it she said she hadn't opened the door, but she hadn't been closing it properly and locking it either. She thought I was over-exaggerating about the predator risk and also the door was a bit sticky so she thought it wasn't normally closed.

The relationship between me and my mum is a difficult one, so I didn't say anything because I knew anything at all that I said at this point would be wrong. However she's accused me of being ungrateful for her help out while I was out of action, and pointed out that birds generally don't (in her opinion) live long in my care. We do lose the odd bird or chick to predators which is not unusual when you free range birds and my birds do usually free range during daylight hours. Most of my birds live a natural life span, we have several very ancient chickens atm.

I've been told 'it's not like someone didn't shut your pet dog away resulting in it being killed. They are only birds.' But I'm upset about it, and DD is devastated. We'd had them since they were newly hatched and they are apparently fragile chicks and difficult to raise, but they were nearly half adult size and growing really well. Because of the breed they are I won't be able to replace the lost birds until next summer. AIBU to be upset about my dead birds?

“They can't fly far“
Trust me, these ones can! And then they sit there going ‘meep’ until I come and find them. When they are big enough they will have free range of my property and surrounding forest but they are not yet fully grown so I have to limit where they can go to keep them safe till they are adults.

Are they peafowl that you’re raising? Very sorry for your losses whatever they were. I love, love, love birds. Arsey mothers less so.

YANBU. This is so sad and awful. I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother is diminishing your upset and making her mistake all about you.

I think she must be feeling defensive, in that she knows that she screwed up when she dismissed your concerns about predators as exaggerated.

I'd still be massively pissed off that she simply didn't do as she was asked, allowing her thinking she knew better to affect the care she gave the birds. And also for the dismissive "they're just birds" comment. That is horrible and also rubbing salt in your wounds - it's bad enough that you've lost some needlessly, without your mum diminishing their importance to you She should be deeply remorseful and apologetic, plus asking how she can make things better, not shrugging it off!

ItWentDownMy HeartHole yes. But I can't write the word with cocks on the end because she cyberstalks me and I know that'll be a search term. She wouldn't think of using fowl. They are lovely. I got them after having to give up my gander who followed me everywhere like a dog but got a bit too protective of me, to the extent that he was attacking the children and their birds. He lives nearby now, but not in my garden to the relief of, well, just about everyone I know! I like having big birds around. The ones that were killed were both boys, leaving me with a girl, a boy and a 'I don't know yet.' I'm hoping it's a girl and I end up with a happy trio. I'll try again with more chicks next year, assuming this lot aren't too loud. So far they are way quieter than geese, who used to tell me EVERYTHING!

My mother, through her sheer incompetence, caused/allowed the death of 7 of my childhood pets to predators. It was awful - I feel so sorry for you as I always remember if she'd ever just said 'sorry, I made a mistake' it would have been so much better than 'it was just a pet, what's your problem'

Poor birds.

I'm so sorry about your birds. Can I suggest some corrugated iron for your run? We dug that all the way down the side of our chicken pen, and we have never lost a chicken. A family in the same road lost all their chickens to foxes. The corrugated iron stops the foxes, etc., Digging under the pen/run to get into it for the birds.

Ooh, she’s sounding trickier and trickier. My commiserations. And no, defo not unreasonable to feel sad and less than grateful.

Love the sound of your goose though. They can be a bit full on. So pleased you could rehome close by.

Good luck with the new birds

I cannot understand anyone who thinks it’s okay to cage birds. It just seems so wrong.

Why isn't your daughter checking they're secure last thing? Hardly your mum's fault when surely your dd could double check?

I'm very sorry but can't stand the thought of caged birds. Please don't replace the two that died. Birds are meant to soar above us in the sky, not being shut in a cage.

Sorry for the loss of your birds, OP. I have two fids myself. Your mother should not minimise the loss in this way.

Can your daughter not take over the bedding duties now?

i'm so sorry about your birds and I'm sure, from what you say, they lead a good, free life in your care.

Your mother sounds like the sort of person who always tries to justify herself, even when she is in the wrong. It's a great pity, some people are just like that and I doubt you'll ever change her.

Not all birds can soar above us, that is why there are bird rescues to let the injured ones live happy lives safely. Young birds need to be safe in order to grow and then soar above us,or be shot by idiots for sport.

YANBU, I’m so sorry for your loss.

Im sorry I can’t get past keeping birds in cages either. I think it should be illegal.

I'd maybe get this thread moved to Pets corner, OP.

Is it fair to cage birds?

Surely that’s the same thing you could say about all pets. Dogs were originally wild animals as were all pets!

Yanbu OP

Oh do give over everyone whingeing on about "caged birds", peafowl aren't birds that fly far unless up to roost, they aren't missing out on "soaring" anywhere. And unless these posters avoid eating chicken or eggs then they haven't a leg to stand on about the cruelties of caging birds.

OP, I am sorry for the loss of your birds, I kept exotic chickens when I was younger and the one time a fox got into their run still makes me tear up on occasion! I would see if you can find someone other than your mum to help look after them for you?

YABU

Exotic birds do not belong in an aviary or a run.

I know why the caged bird sings

Sorry for the loss of your birds OP, they are indeed hard to rear.
Your Mother lacks heart.

These birds need to be started off in a house and caged run so that they can, when they are mature, live a free-range life having been trained to come back in the evenings to safely roost. The uncaged bird gets eaten by a predator. Every time.

The chicken you buy at the supermarket and eat has lived a brutish, miserable and thankfully very short life. The OP’s birds are going to live long and live well.

Lougle their house is lined, but the run isn’t due to the fact that 1. It is temporary as they will be free range when big enough and 2. It is too large to line anyway.

Everyone who is worried about them being in a cage, same answers apply - 1. The run is temporary till they are big enough to roam free and 2. It is plenty big enough for them until they get big enough. It is a temporary space to keep them safe while they grow.

Regarding DD she looks after them in a morning but finds it a bit scary to go out down the field in the dark. I know adults who find it scary in the dark at my place! We live away from lit areas, and she is not really old enough to feel comfortable out on her own in the pitch black. DH usually puts the birds to bed when I am not at home but he was working away, which is why I asked my mum.

Rather than do the decent respectful thing and apologise she has framed the situation to try and make it your fault
This is insulting passive-aggressive bulshit
I would be furious
(Then again could it be an early sign of cognitive decline, not responding appropriately?)