I'm sad about this but been told I'm being ungrateful

[Carveitup]

I keep pet birds, and currently have some quite unusual and exotic birds in an aviary which has a lockable house inside it. They are not very old, and still need a bit of protection so they spend the day in the run and on a night they are locked in their house. I have been recuperating from surgery this week and my mum came to help out. She's been putting the birds to bed each night. Over the course of the week 2 of the birds have been killed in their run by a predator. The house is predator-proof, the run is not as it is too big but it is generally safe during the day. My DD opens the house each morning but while we were discussing how on earth they could have been killed as the birds have been in their house overnight, DD said that the house had actually been open every morning this week and she thought my mum had opened it. When I asked my mum about it she said she hadn't opened the door, but she hadn't been closing it properly and locking it either. She thought I was over-exaggerating about the predator risk and also the door was a bit sticky so she thought it wasn't normally closed.

The relationship between me and my mum is a difficult one, so I didn't say anything because I knew anything at all that I said at this point would be wrong. However she's accused me of being ungrateful for her help out while I was out of action, and pointed out that birds generally don't (in her opinion) live long in my care. We do lose the odd bird or chick to predators which is not unusual when you free range birds and my birds do usually free range during daylight hours. Most of my birds live a natural life span, we have several very ancient chickens atm.

I've been told 'it's not like someone didn't shut your pet dog away resulting in it being killed. They are only birds.' But I'm upset about it, and DD is devastated. We'd had them since they were newly hatched and they are apparently fragile chicks and difficult to raise, but they were nearly half adult size and growing really well. Because of the breed they are I won't be able to replace the lost birds until next summer. AIBU to be upset about my dead birds?

YANBU!

I’m really sorry about the loss of your pets.

I hate it when people try to diminish the value of the creatures we love. She’s being horrible.

YANBU to be upset at the loss, but there was no ill intent on her part

Not in the slightest. Your mum sounds cold! If it's important to you, she should respect that regardless of the fact she doesn't see their lives as important as a dog's life (using her example!).

You are entirely unreasonable for keeping birds in an aviary.

I’d be gutted as I love birds...I don’t own any domestic birds but I take care of the wild ones that visit and often have a few ‘pets’ amongst them who come to me for hand feeding. YANBU and I think your mum should have at least been more apologetic about the whole thing.

and yet another reason why i prefer animals etc to humans. comparing a bird with a dog ? i get upset when my smaller animals die, they are your pets after all, you love and care for them.not everyone loves animals but your mum sounds a cold person not to understand why you and dd are upset,

What Hilda said

It's for their own safety at the moment, Hilda40. They are not big enough yet to deal with wild birds such as red kites which are common in the area. If they are kept in one place early on in their lives they learn that that place is home, so that once they are released they will come back there to roost and I will be able to keep them safe from foxes, badgers, etc during the night. It's ironic that the ducks I lost earlier in the year were never penned up and I was told I was unreasonable for allowing them to free range while foxes were around. You can't win.

Not at all unreasonable. Very upsetting for you, doubly so because it's upset your DD too. I suspect your mum is being defensive and actually feels guilty. Probably best to let it go if you can in terms of not blaming her.

for you.

For your DM to say 'They are only birds' is just unforgiveable. They are still YOUR birds. If she cared at all about YOU or your DD, then she would follow your instructions to the letter to keep them safe. If she can't be bothered, or doesn't care enough about your chicks then I'd find someone else to look after them.

I would say your dm has no respect for you op.
My dd looks after my ddogs, doesn't claim to love all of them but ensures they are cared for to my specifications as she would not want me to worry /be upset /be devastated if one died at all never mind in her care.
Your poor dd also.
Bet dgm gone down in her estimations.

YANBU
If my mum did something that ultimately cost my rabbits their lives I would never speak to her again. Don’t let her near your birds ever again! Poor you and poor birds.

Is it fair to cage birds?

Why should you be grateful for someone killing your birds?

The issue isn’t about the fairness of caging animals. Really should any animal be caged, eaten, tested on, used for entertainment or made into clothes?

I will be able to keep them safe from foxes, badgers, etc

I had no idea badgers preyed on birds!

Anyway, YANBU.

I do think that if your mum was going to do it she should have done it properly.

Why couldn't your daughter have done it or checked?

Can't understand why she would agree help and then not do it properly.

was there anyone else who could have locked them up? if not I guess it's better than nothing?

I think the telling phrase is that she thought you were over exaggerating the predator risk. She didn't believe you, thought you were being silly, went her own way because she thought she was right, resulting in the death of your birds.

Of course you are sad - I love animals and would be sad if any that I cared for died (I even feel sad if a plant I've grown from seed dies - there is something about nurturing any living thing and watching it grow, and with animals you obviously have the extra connection and attachment to their characters and little ways)

YANBU

Sounds like your mother is diminishing your concerns and sense of loss, which adds insult to injury. If it's not convenient for your DD to do the whole job, put out the feelers and find someone who sympathises with your love for your birds and will care for them adequately until you're home and/or able to do so yourself.

So hard to navigate such conflicts with parents but sometimes they must be helped to see that they're being very unreasonable and destructive. Under the circumstances, would be reasonable for you to put the welfare of your beloved birds above the need to tread on eggshells with your mother. She needs to know that her neglect has consequences, and might learn something from it. But I know it can't be easy to confront stuff like this. Last thing you need when you're recovering from surgery! {flowers]

Oh that's horrible OP, I'm so sorry for you and your DD.

YADNBU and I hate the "it was only a X" attitude. I keep pet rats and we lost one of our girls to illness last weekend. Any loss is a loss, it doesn't matter if I personally wouldn't want X sort of animal as a pet.

Your mum doesn't sound very caring or kind and I think I'd make other arrangements in future.

Sorry to hear about the loss, but I just don't get this pet bird thing. They can't fly far, like birds are meant to :-(

YANBU as a bird lover myself they should not be thought of as 'only birds'. That is dismissive and cold.

I would choose another person to look after them next time. I love the birds I have, they are fit, safe, healthy and happy and have the best food and care, and enough freedom.