AIBU same child gets chosen for everything at school

[bonfireheart]

I wanted to check whether anyone else would raise this with school. DD is in year 6 and everytime there are chances for roles of responsibility think 'school council' roles, or 'play leader' or external visitors coming in for a special project - the same girl gets chosen for the role. It's been going on since they were in year 1.
It's got so DD says well no point putting my name forward because we all know who is going to get it.
And I'm not just expecting DD to get them. All the kids in her year group are lovely, many who would benefit from the extra responsibility and boost to their confidence.
Would you raise it with the school?

"Does that mean the same kids should get the biggest parts, solos and opportunities every year?
Are there only 2 or 3 students in a year group who could possibly manage the basics of representing the primary school? '

please read my post fully, it is not suggesting anything like that, it is simply answering those who discredit children by suggesting the reason they get opportunities it because of their parents.

Same in my dd’s class. They stop doing a nativity after y2, and in y3, the budding bonnie langford of the class was so distraught at missing out on her annual moment in the spotlight that she and her mother wrote and directed their own nativity and persuaded all the supporting players to stay after school to rehearse/perform it.

But if your child isn't picked for a lead role - are they confident in front of an audience? Can they remember lines. Will they get stage fright? Will they speak out loudly and clearly? Can they act? Have they any experience of being on the stage?
Or would THEY actually prefer to be a shepherd, or the tail end of a donkey (dd was one year and she mooed bless her - I tell myself she was bringing her own feel to the role lol).

@Coyoacan i agree. My dd’s attitude changed throughout primary school from being up for anything to ‘i won’t get picked so why bother’ to ‘i just want to fly under the radar and not do anything’

Nothing i say makes a difference, she’s a total wallflower now, of course that may just be her personality and she’d have been that way anyway. It makes me sad though. I have no idea where all her confidence went to.

It certainly happens, and has happened for a long time.

I remember there was a girl who won everything and got to take part in everything at primary school. One year we had the school disco and there was a dance competition. Except I wandered past the judges table before the dance and saw a prize envelope with said girls name on. And lo, she won the dance completion. I don't know if her parents were on the PTA or something.

The school my kids were at always chose different kids each time. I was a TA there and certainly mine never got shown any favouritism. Not that they would have ever put themselves forward for anything in the first place!

If one child shines (such as in the example I provided above), how could you leave that child in the background? She might not get all her spellings right, she might not win in the sports race, she might not be able to do her math without support, but she can be on the stage! Why not recognise that ability in her?

I'm on the PTA committee, going for parent governor and I'm also in and out of the school helping out with readers, filing and all that time consuming stuff.

One of mine tends to get picked to be a narrator with a lot of lines for plays and shows - purely because she's a dramatic gobshite with a loud clear voice... the other one has speech and language problems and bobs along quite happily being 3rd sheep from the left (in different plays thankfully so no direct comparisons going on). Nothing more sinister than that DD1 will learn all the lines well and not panic at having to do them on the day - and definitely not related to PTA or any other kind of school gate illuminati conspiracy because one of the other kids who is usually similar has a mum who is the most anti-school you can get and won't even send a quid in for a dress up day or pay for school trips because she doesn't see why she should do.

I think all of them who wanted to do it got put on the rota for playground friends - a fair percentage in the class didn't want to do it as they didn't want to give up their playtime.... school council - the kids elected that and I can't even remember who got it to be honest - both of mine stood for their class and didn't. I just happen to have common sense, know the kids and have a DBS check so tend to be handy to have around.

I do tend to be one of the parents picked to help on school trips - despite me sending the slip back saying "I am honestly not fussed about going or not but if you need me to help make up ratios I'm happy to".

My dc have been on both sides of this; I had a ds who wasn’t picked for anything and I have a dd who is on everything going. However, their school allow the children to vote for all their roles so it is her peers who are picking her, not because she’s the most popular child (she isn’t at all) but they know she does a good job and loves doing it. Ds was more ‘popular’ but was never voted in for anything and gave up trying.

Regarding the plays, I have no problem with the same children being picked every year, the same way I don’t mind the same kids being picked for the football team - some kids are more skilled than others at performing and that’s their opportunity to shine, when they might not in other aspects of school.

If one child shines (such as in the example I provided above), how could you leave that child in the background?
Because more often than not there's not just one child who could shine. That's the point.
There'll usually be many children who could do things well but they don't get the opportunity if it's been decided that 1 child is the go to person for everything.

It's not about giving the main speaking part to a child who is shy, mumble and not do a good job. It is about recognising that more often than not there's a range of children who could succeed.
Even some parents of the regularly chosen kids say sometimes they feel uncomfortable because they know other children could do well.

More often than not the people who can't (or don't want to) see that lots of children have the ability to shine are the ones who want to keep their child's place as the chosen one.

This doesn't happen at our school. No bias towards the PTA whatsoever.
Although I actually do think the PTA should get perks. (I'm not on it btw), and would happily give up a front row seat to someone who puts so much effort in to help all the kids.
Like other posters, if the kids of PTA get roles, it isn't 'because their mum's on the PTA' is because of the type of person their mum is likely to be, ie supportive etc

Whilst I'm sure favouritism does happen sometimes, sometimes you might have to accept there's very good reasons your dc isn't chosen.

So MaisyPops, what would you do with that little kid in the example?

You're the teacher for a day. What role would you give her in the nativity for example?

My daughter was "that kid". Parents were absolutely awful about it. When she won an award or was given a commendation she would be met with sneers and people telling their kids that she must be spoilt or didn't deserve it in some way. She absolutely did f#$king deserve it.

Over all of the awards and house points and lead roles in school plays she learnt 3 valuable lessons from it all. 1) some adults are ridiculous 2) it doesn't matter what others presume about you 3) if you are kind and you work hard you will achieve. I am proud of her every day because she has an awesome attitude.

I'm assuming you're not answering because you know you would have to give her the lead role? If you are being fair?

I also have 'that kid'. But I make no apologies for it. She just shines on the stage (not with her grades or on the football field), but on the stage she shines.

Give them a different role. Simple.

I don't see why one child should get all the big/best parts when there will be others who could shine too.

Kids who are the go to for things in primary get a massive wake up call when they get to us and suddenly they're not the local prince/princess who gets priority over everyone else.
Realising they are one of 200-250 and are expected to audition for parts, solos are selected by staff and rotate, they have to apply for student leadership positions etc seems to confuse them. It's a whole new world for them and some of them find it odd that they wouldn't automatically get the best part/role/a student leadership position/place on the team etc.

I tend to think it has at more to do with the kids in question being bright and articulate rather than any kind of nefarious behind the scenes parental efforts with the school. I do agree it's unfair though. And who cares if the acting or singing in a school play is a bit shit anyway.

Cross post with this
I also have 'that kid'. But I make no apologies for it
Of course you do.
That's why you believe your child should be prioritised over everyone else and get the parts by defualt over everyone else. After all they are special and unique and so much better than the potential of any child so logically no other child should be given that opportunity to shine.

Remember this with DD at primary school. The Deputy Head who organised the productions had a mother who ran a theatre school which she was also involved in.

The same precocious brats kids who attended the theatre school were picked for the main roles year after year.

At the beginning of Yr 6 DD started attending a different performing arts academy and really came out of her shell so when the auditions for the end of Yr productions were announced she practised like mad and was really good (I would have told her if she wasn't!) but was still not chosen for anything but the group singing. She was devastated and decided to quit performing arts altogether. I spoke to the Head afterwards and she was totally dismissive saying it was the Dep Head's choice. Really unfair and the school was well known for it.

From year 1 in my school, children are chosen for school council- they only get one chance at this and it's chosen by the children. If they are picked in year 1, they don't get a chance to enter in year 2 and so on.

We try and choose the children who need a boost and would thrive under the responsibility. I'm not surprised that on some schools this does not happen. Some teachers are old school and just can't see past the classroom behaviour. Changes are being made. School attitudes are changing

Ds2 gets lots, main parts. I've never been involved in pta or given a backhander.
Ds1 never got as much as ds2, although he often had something.
So how do you explain that?

"if the kids of PTA get roles, it isn't 'because their mum's on the PTA' is because of the type of person their mum is likely to be, ie supportive etc"
Ahh, because those of us who are not in the PTA because we have to work to put food on the table are not supportive or competent? That makes no sense.

Nothing against the PTA, I even thing people volunteering for school should enjoy some perks because they work bloody hard to help school raise money. I am grateful to them but don't believe they are more supportive?

Do you not think other kods deserve it too garbage ? My son works hard and is kind always polite never caused trouble but he never got picked for anything, its not the childrens fault but the schools he never got a chance to shine on stage .

bad typing mum.

It happened all the time at my son’s infant school, where the same good readers got the speaking roles every year. I agree in reception it made sense, but by Year 1 there were many who could read out one line quite competently and yet it was the same children for Year 1 and 2. It does become a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby children will not get a chance to develop in confidence and ability when they are never picked - or maybe pushed a bit to have a go even if they aren’t the waviest of hands in the crowd.

Also, I’ve never been in or to a primary production that was so amazing it would have spoiled it to have slightly less able people in some of the roles. It’s better to share the roles around (and not have just one or two major roles) in a school production at that age. There’s plenty of time for children to learn and know that others are better than them at some things, but the early years can be crucial for building confidence and setting their expectations for themselves.