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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU same child gets chosen for everything at school

325 replies

bonfireheart · 10/11/2018 11:03

I wanted to check whether anyone else would raise this with school. DD is in year 6 and everytime there are chances for roles of responsibility think 'school council' roles, or 'play leader' or external visitors coming in for a special project - the same girl gets chosen for the role. It's been going on since they were in year 1.
It's got so DD says well no point putting my name forward because we all know who is going to get it.
And I'm not just expecting DD to get them. All the kids in her year group are lovely, many who would benefit from the extra responsibility and boost to their confidence.
Would you raise it with the school?

OP posts:
carr1e1977 · 10/11/2018 13:26

yup same at my kids school. Same kids year after year getting all the speaking parts, main roles etc. when I said to teacher that I had been able to accurately predict who would have the main roles in a play before summer, she said that was because they are kids that always put themselves forward. I pointed out that after 5/6 years of these kids getting picked to do everything, perhaps the other kids in the class don't see the point in putting themselves forward..... will see if this year proves to be any different but I won't hold my breath
Its infuriating. The quieter kids in the class like my daughter just get lost and as a result their confidence doesn't get the chance to increase doing things like talking in pubic. Its a real bugbear of mine

BewareOfDragons · 10/11/2018 13:27

There are no weeks leading up to the role. It's primary school, not a national election with a campaign season.

Seriously. It's s usually on the day or the day after the announcement is made that we're picking new representatives.

BewareOfDragons · 10/11/2018 13:32

In my class this year, the 2 children picked for student council were both very quiet, middling and lower achieving academically students. Both quite likeable, but neither one would be what I would consider popular.

My DD's class, same. 2 children, both quite liked, but not wildly popular. My DD was second in the voting for the girl representative, disappointed for herself, but quite delighted for the girl who was picked as she's her friend. (TBF, my DD was a class rep last year, so she wasn't that fussed.)

eddiemairswife · 10/11/2018 13:35

I think it's just laziness on the part of some teachers. With my classes I would write and cast the plays according to the various talents (or lack of!) of the children available. And not give a huge number of lines to any one child or narrator. As for a blonde Mary, she was hardly likely to have had fair hair, and as our pupils were over 90% Asian, blondes were very thin on the ground. I just had to be careful about casting some of the Muslim children.

Witchend · 10/11/2018 13:39

PTA get front seats usually because they arrived an hour or two beforehand to set up chairs, help dress children, set up refreshments etc.
You know, things that everyone is lining up to do. Hmm

The governor/pta thing makes me laugh. If people really thought it made a difference and it mattered to them, then they can volunteer too.

SisterOfDonFrancisco · 10/11/2018 13:40

My dc has yet to be chosen for anything, he doesn't even appear on any pictures the school takes regularly of their various activities. Same kids appear quite often and get picked for roles duties etc. But it seems it's more about the abilities and personality of the children rather than anything else.

mintyneb · 10/11/2018 13:41

Yep, this always happened in DDs class. Same boy, who happened to be the deputy head's son, always seemed to get all the lead roles, got picked for all the sports teams, important events etc. They've moved on to yr7 this year and he seems to have taken his magic touch with him to his new school as he was the yr7 rep who was picked to give a speech to prospective new families at the open eve!

All I can say is thank god he's at an all boys school now so DD doesn't have to put up with it any more

ManonBlackbeak · 10/11/2018 13:52

I went right through Primary school with a girl who was picked for everything. In her case I think I think it was because her DF was a governor and she was the youngest of a large family who'd all gone through the school, so the teachers had a soft spot for her. Also her DM was always making things and donating stuff. It was galling, I know parents complained about it and she was on the receiving end of low level bullying for being a teachers pet but nothing ever changed.

She certainly played on it as well, she was very adapt at manipulating the teachers IMO. She wasn't the easiest or most likeable of people. However she had a massive shock when we went up to High School and it's stopped completley, didn't stop her trying her old tricks though.

BertrandRussell · 10/11/2018 13:54

"The governor/pta thing makes me laugh. If people really thought it made a difference and it mattered to them, then they can volunteer too."

And discover that it doesn't. In fact, you quite often miss stuff because you're stopping the mince pies from burning or cleaning the pond weed and bacteria out of the tea urn.

Beingginger · 10/11/2018 13:55

Same at our primary school the same girl got picked for everything and surprise surprise she was the assistant heads daughter.
Dd was overlooked for everything, and what makes it worse in her year 6 class of 34 kids there were only 12 girls. Their end of year play there were 2 main roles 1 boy 1 girl, the boy part was shared between 2 boys, but the girl role was yet again the same girl for both performances.
They’ve just gone up to high school and from what DD is telling me this girl is not liking no longer being top dog. She’s now a small fish in a big pond, dd is finally getting a chance to shine.

MissEliza · 10/11/2018 13:57

At my dd's school, there'll a group of girls who all go to a stage school. They are therefore naturally more confident and always get the main roles. I feel it's a bit unfair for the kids whose parents can afford hundreds of pounds a year for stage school and for whom this is their only chance to participate in a show (not my dd).
Ironically my dd isn't allowed to represent her school in her sport because she's 'too good' and it's 'not fair on the others'! Therefore the ones who go to the stage school got to represent the school last year in her sport (and probably this year too).

Newerversion · 10/11/2018 14:01

I can honestly say that I do not know a single teacher who chooses children based on their parents being governors or on the PTA. There is always that reaction if a child of a PTA member of governor gets chosen for anything though. Give the poor child credit for obviously being easy to work with, a clear speaker, good at singing, responsible, likeable, confident or whatever it was that got them chosen. Stop taking any credit from them and suggesting they didn't get the job, part, responsibility etc on their own merits. Grow the hell up.

ambereeree · 10/11/2018 14:03

I was the only brown kid in school and was picked to be Mary. I hated it.

Imsoimso · 10/11/2018 14:05

As an introduction, I have never been on the PTA. In fact, I have no dealings whatsoever with teachers/parents at dds school.
However, she regularly gets picked for drama things or music things as she goes to classes outside school for these things so is doing well. E.g. 1st in her county for violin. Generally gets lead roles in acting as she is just good at it.
She's not the most academic (I would say a B student rather than an A student), but she is very confident, extroverted, good at public speaking, outgoing, friendly etc.
It probably makes sense to give her lead roles rather than having a shy child mumble through lines etc. while dd acts as a plant or whatever it is.
She is very proactive and loves doing these things. Why is she less worthy than your child? She is never going to become a doctor/lawyer etc. (possibly a politician but that's for another story). So these are her things.
She doesn't get the glowing grades that most of your kids might get A, A, A, A, A, A.

But she works very hard at what she does have a talent for.
There has certainly been no jealousy among her peers (don't know about the parents, as I said I'm not there - she's in boarding school in a different country).

Alexandra2018 · 10/11/2018 14:06

My Dd is in year 2 she's only just been starting to be given parts in plays and extra jobs which she is delighted with after her 1st 3 years of never getting picked for anything it's so upsetting but can also see now how others may not be happy with her this year!

agirlhasnonameX · 10/11/2018 14:06

Give the poor child credit for obviously being easy to work with, a clear speaker, good at singing, responsible, likeable, confident or whatever it was that got them chosen. Stop taking any credit from them and suggesting they didn't get the job, part, responsibility etc on their own merits. Grow the hell up.
If a child is all of these things already then great, they should have a chance to show these talents. But surely not every year? Wouldn't it be better to give children who do not posses these skills already a chance to improve?

Imsoimso · 10/11/2018 14:09

And I saw this clip yesterday. How could you leave this kid in the background.

NicePieceOfPlaid · 10/11/2018 14:11

She certainly played on it as well, she was very adapt at manipulating the teachers IMO. She wasn't the easiest or most likeable of people. However she had a massive shock when we went up to High School and it's stopped completley, didn't stop her trying her old tricks though.

What a disgusting way to write about a child. Shameful.

Newerversion · 10/11/2018 14:12

"If a child is all of these things already then great, they should have a chance to show these talents. But surely not every year? Wouldn't it be better to give children who do not posses these skills already a chance to improve?"
It probably would yes, but that was not the point I was addressing was it? I was addressing those who claim that any child of a PTA member or a governor gets given opportunities because of their parents rather than their talents or strengths.

user789653241 · 10/11/2018 14:12

I do agree it is, but it's got nothing to do with parents, but to do with child's ability. Those who are chosen every time are confident, reliable ones.
And at our school, children volunteer for the role. So you will never get it unless you go for it.

CheddarIsNotTheOnlyCheese · 10/11/2018 14:16

At every parents evening I'm told how dd is lovely, friendly and confident. Her biggest role to date has been an angel. (They all were). Her most challenging one was a door frame.

MaisyPops · 10/11/2018 14:18

Give the poor child credit for obviously being easy to work with, a clear speaker, good at singing, responsible, likeable, confident or whatever it was that got them chosen. Stop taking any credit from them and suggesting they didn't get the job, part, responsibility etc on their own merits. Grow the hell up.
Does that mean the same kids should get the biggest parts, solos and opportunities every year?
Are there only 2 or 3 students in a year group who could possibly manage the basics of representing the primary school?

I only ask because secondary schools tend to have 200-250 in a year group and somehow we manage to have a range of students on school council, in music groups, in plays with decent parts, in young enterprise, going out to represent the school, doing student leadership. If we can get a good range with a large number of kids then I find it hard to believe there are primary schools where there is such a sheer lack of talent and nice kids that the same few always get picked.

We also get the odd affluent pushy PTA type who does seem to think thembeing on the PTA gives them leverage over staff and don't take kindly to being told in a school with 75-100 teachers, staff probably aren't going to care if you're on the PTA or not because we are dealing with hundreds of children and want to spread the opportunities around

MirriVan · 10/11/2018 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imsoimso · 10/11/2018 14:20

But that clip is exactly how my dd behaves. She has no shame! Whether she's a star or a shepherd, she craves the limelight and loves it. And no doubt, when she is the star, she'll be in her own little world bopping away anyway. More shy kids would baulk at the thoughts of performing (I did at school), but dd just loves it. I see no problem in giving those with a love for the stage, an opportunity to encourage their strengths.

Coyoacan · 10/11/2018 14:21

Such a depressing thread, makes me wonder if anyone ever evaluates the educational purpose of school plays? Because showcasing the same children year after year doesn't seem to be of much benefit to 90% of the other children.