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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad step mum

195 replies

Mentalhealthworries · 09/11/2018 19:35

Another night of sitting in my car in the terrible weather while DH and his kids enjoy tea at home.
I can’t bear it. Life as a step mum really sucks! Don’t do it if you have a choice.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 10/11/2018 09:10

Ah thanks brazen i think thats potentially the first nice thing anyones said about me on MN.

There needs to be more honesty surrounding step parenting imo!

Weedsnseeds1 · 10/11/2018 10:16

I know exactly where you are coming from. I avoid seeing a good friend because her child is so badly behaved, I can't stand to be near him.

masterandmargarita · 10/11/2018 10:20

The one acting like a sulky teenager is the op

User02 · 10/11/2018 14:22

@flamingofridays - glad someone knows how to deal with the "step" situations. I just hide from my problems

WombOfOnesOwn · 10/11/2018 14:54

Wow, a teenager thinking it's ok to walk around in boxer shorts in his father's house. Outrageous!

Two 10-year-old twins at their dad's for a visit who whisper to one another and (horror, shock!!) GIGGLE! Clearly we've now seen the pinnacle of being horror children. They'll make a documentary any day now.

Two nineteen year olds STILL seeing their father even though they're in their late teens instead of early. What awful people they must be, you're clearly in the right to think that they're now just guests you have no obligation to.

And wow, they fight at the dinner table. I bet you're a charmer yourself, never pick a fight, you seem really easy to get along with.

flamingofridays · 10/11/2018 16:44

womb i wouldn't put up with anyone fighting over my dinner table especially grown adults.

Its no wonder we produce so many useless entitled "young adults" when we let them behave like toddlers.

WombOfOnesOwn · 10/11/2018 17:13

You'd tolerate them storming off to sit in a car simmering in anger, though. The model of maturity is lacking here.

PrettyLovely · 10/11/2018 17:28

Agree with everything flamingo said as usual.

Feel for you Op. It can be so hard. Flowers

swingofthings · 10/11/2018 17:31

There are many reasons why we reach the point where all we are left feeling in our relationship is anger, resentment and bitterness. In this instance, it's the SCs. Sounds like things have become quite bad and however sad it is, that's how it is. Saying you can't afford to live separately is not a good reason to stay and remain miserable. Are you working? If so, you can support yourself.

Varmints · 10/11/2018 17:43

Sounds shit. At 19 my dcs were out Friday and Saturday night's enjoying a social life. They sound very immature, I'm not surprised you don't want to be around them. From now on make plans with friends when they descend on you.

flamingofridays · 10/11/2018 17:46

womb no id think grow up. Equally i already advised op to stay in her home.

masterandmargarita · 10/11/2018 18:06

The young adults I know are lovely. Its the middle aged who should know better that I often find lacking.

SilverDoe · 10/11/2018 21:22

Sorry flamingo was very tired and for some reason your reply sounded to me like the OP and I thought she forgot to name change! Blush

I agree with you; people have a strange idea of step parenting and there is a weird underlying thinking that you’re somehow unusual or even inferior if you don’t or can’t love your step children as your own.

I hope, OP, that this thread has been helpful and that you’ll make better time for yourself in future. Sod being forced out of your home!

smithsally884 · 10/11/2018 22:35

At 19 my dcs were out Friday and Saturday night's enjoying a social lifeThey sound very immature, .

Yep, going out getting hammered every weekend sounds the model of maturity

Lizzie48 · 10/11/2018 23:52

The twins do sound very immature. We had a French girl working for us as an au pair, she stayed with us for 7 months until last June, and she turned 19 whilst she was with us. She was brilliant with our DDs (now 9 and 6) and now she's living with her boyfriend, who she met whilst working for us.

That's a massive difference in maturity.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 11/11/2018 00:04

Im with you @Mentalhealthworries .

Being a step mum has been an entirely negative situation for me.

Iv been a step mum for 16 years now but its the only thing in my life that i have never got anything back from.

I spent years doing absolutely everything to support the relationship between DH and those children, and i made sure that they came first.

They are now adults and are entirely selfish.

In life there are those people who, despite how loving and compassionate you behave and speak ... those people will never see it or hear it . Those people you just have to let them go for your own health.

RedHelenB · 11/11/2018 06:45

YABU and acting like a teenager too. Hth.

RTFT · 11/11/2018 06:59

smithsally who mentioned getting hammered? You can have a social life without getting pissed you know ...or are you unable to?

DrPeppersPhD · 11/11/2018 10:12

I'm going to be that poster, so bear with me, but if a woman came on here and said that she was forced to go and sit in her car and eat a Tesco meal deal because her children were arguing and her husband was doing nothing to stop them to the extent she couldn't be around them you'd all be on his arse and telling him to step up. Why is it so drastically different when the OP is a step mum? So step mum's are expected to parent without any of the respect a parent gets? You want to know why people don't want to take on step kids, take a long hard look at yourselves. That's why.

thighofrelief · 11/11/2018 10:25

DrPepper I'm not a step mum but i do agree with you. Plus it's just not practical to vilify SMs. If i feel affection for a child it is so much easier to look after them. Also when my kids were small i didn't mind my mum telling them off because I knew she loved them if a bossy neighbour who disliked them told them off it's quite different.

OP is in the position of having people in the house who make her uncomfortable and are rude but don't like her. That's like having a resentful house guest.

I would split up I'm afraid, i just couldn't be bothered. Equally i wouldn't set up home with someone with dependent children nor want anyone to live with my kids.

HeckyPeck · 12/11/2018 09:45

I'm going to be that poster, so bear with me, but if a woman came on here and said that she was forced to go and sit in her car and eat a Tesco meal deal because her children were arguing and her husband was doing nothing to stop them to the extent she couldn't be around them you'd all be on his arse and telling him to step up.

And I bet you wouldn’t get the old “you knew what you were getting yourself into” line!

MrsStrowman · 12/11/2018 10:02

You've had nine years to work on this or to leave, you say they are immature but you've literally flounced out of the house. If a woman posted on here that her partner sent and sulked in his car for three hours every time she had dinner with her teens she'd be told to ltb. You either want to be in this relationship or you don't. He came with children and you've not really explained how you 'tried' for so long, you come across as quite needy and self focussed, something you can't be when children are involved, maybe this is why you've never built a relationship with them. Over nearly a decade you've had time to establish yourself as a step parent instead you've withdrawn and throw a pity party, no wonder they don't want to engage with you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 12/11/2018 10:50

I am so sorry OP bet this isnt the life that you imagined for yourself...it sounds torture on all sides...go your own way is what I would suggest ..if it hasnt altered by now it never will....go find happiness and peace of mind...neither of which you will gain by living like this.

TooSassy · 12/11/2018 11:32

mrsstrowman any person who has had any experience of attempting to step parent will have immense sympathy for this Poster.
She does not need to explain herself to anyone on here, anymore than a mother to a new baby needs to explain why she is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to bond with her baby.

Life is hard, situations like this can build up over years. How some posters think it is acceptable to come on here and pile in on a poster who is clearly deeply unhappy and struggling, is beyond me. Stepmothers really are the second class citizens on mumsnet and I urge more posters to move across to sites specifically set up to support step parents. Because absolutely none of the judgement I see here is ever ever visible on those boards.

OP, how are you feeling?

MrsStrowman · 12/11/2018 11:56

@TooSassy it's been a decade and they are nineteen and visit EOW for dinner, you cannot compare that to the emotional and mental exhaustion of caring for a newborn! I didn't ask her to explain herself but she has a choice, she changes her part in the situation, because you can't change other people or she leaves. Sitting in her car for hours is only going to make it worse and is hardly going to foster positive relationships. Her posts are full of self pity. I stand by the fact that if a woman posted on here to say her male partner went and sat in his car when her adult children visited for dinner once a fortnight, he would be flamed and she would be told to LTB.