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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sad step mum

195 replies

Mentalhealthworries · 09/11/2018 19:35

Another night of sitting in my car in the terrible weather while DH and his kids enjoy tea at home.
I can’t bear it. Life as a step mum really sucks! Don’t do it if you have a choice.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 20:35

Is it? Really? I actually thought it was a lovely gesture

Bloody hell. It may have said with good intentions, it may have been a joke I'm not sure.

But anyone who thinks it's perfectly ok to offer a complete stranger on the internet into their home is crazy.

Original poster
Mentalhealthworries · 09/11/2018 20:35

That makes me sound like OW - I wasn’t. We met about 18 months post split.

OP posts:
Bluelady · 09/11/2018 20:39

Duck, it was a really nice offer. You've imbibed too much MN culture.

HurrahMoaningMyrtle · 09/11/2018 20:39

bruise I'm in Horsham, what time do you want me? Wink

TheDodgyDunnyOfDoom · 09/11/2018 20:40

Buy a whopping and luxurious caravan and move into it in the garden OP. Lock the door though!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 20:41

Nope Bluelady just common sense and internet safety.

68Anon · 09/11/2018 20:41

Next time, tell your husband and his children to leave the house so you can have the comfort of your own home and they can go and do whatever they want. They all sound horrible.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 09/11/2018 20:42

I'm a step mum and DH is a step dad. We have never lived in the same house because it's way easier parenting your own. We will live together later on in life.
You don't have to sit in a car being miserable. That's why you have friends. I can recommend different houses too!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/11/2018 20:43

But anyone who thinks it's perfectly ok to offer a complete stranger on the internet into their home is crazy I took it as an offer to meet up for pizza (Pizzahut or Pizza Express type)

MHW they are 19?
So adults. Would you let another adult , maybe someone from your DH's work or sports club come into your house and behave like this? No, of course not.

Though the idea of them having 1:1 time with their Dad sounds good. .

Twirlbites1 · 09/11/2018 20:48

But anyone who thinks it's perfectly ok to offer a complete stranger on the internet into their home is crazy.

What if it was some-one sitting out side your house crying/vomiting? Would you ask them in or just leave them crying/vomiting outside your house......because I'm not sure what the difference is, other than you can actually see the crying person. If the internet person comes to your door and you think they look dodgy you don't have to let them in. If you are looking to rape or murder some-one, creating a story to put on mumsnet about eating a tesco sandwich in your car to avoid your step children in the hope than some unsuspecting MNer who lives within a 30 minute drive of where you are parked is going to invite you in for pizza with their family is a pretty elaborate way to go about it.
Sorry to derail your post OP.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 20:53

I wouldn't let a complete stranger in my house full stop.

Florries · 09/11/2018 20:55

I'm up for meeting up to eat pizza.

Twirlbites1 · 09/11/2018 20:57

Duck your house, your rules.......I just think it is very sad that society has come to that.

Greenskybluegrass · 09/11/2018 20:57

I'd go and lie on my bed and listen to a podcast with headphones or watch Netflix

HerondaleDucks · 09/11/2018 20:59

You have my sympathy I used to sit in my car behind my house and cry because I couldn't face going inside. I'd sit out there for up to 3 hours sometimes.
I hope you find something warmer next time and maybe a chat with your dh about the behaviour and how stressed it makes you.
It's a hard life at times, I hope it gets easier for you. It did for me but after lots and lots of effort.

TooSassy · 09/11/2018 21:01

OP. This is AIBU on a Friday night.
Come and find some of us on the step parenting boards. You’ve had some lovely responses here, likely to get more on that board.
My heart feels sad at you being in this situation. And the harsh comments are from people who have little/ no insights on how SP’ing can be.

Although I absolutely agree on one point. You have a DH problem. He should have tackled this and it’s clear he hasn’t. It’s not acceptable.

HauntedPencil · 09/11/2018 21:02

It sounds untenable OP. They are adults now and even if you don't get on should be able to at least be polite to you in your home.

Hope things get easier.

TooSassy · 09/11/2018 21:03

Oh and I’m a plus one on the let’s eat pizza meet up! Grin

Wheresthebeach · 09/11/2018 21:07

Too Sassy is right - AIBU isn't the place for this.

I went through a period of hiding in my bedroom. Step parenting is hard - good intentions aren't enough. Ignore the 'you knew he had children' brigade and get over to step parenting boards.

SilverDoe · 09/11/2018 21:11

I understand OP, especially with older children I don’t know why some people can’t understand that it’s not always easy or even desirable to blend a family to the point where the step parent feels like a third parent to the children.

I do agree with the poster who says you should just spoil yourself and make plans when they are there - and just treat the kids with breezy courtesy - you don’t want to make them feel unwelcome or unwanted. But, that doesn’t mean that you have to suffer them either. Perhaps being nice and accommodating to them would be much easier if you did have proper plans for yourself.

Every other weekend doesn’t seem too bad but with week days or ever 1 week day in between I can understand that it feels like quite a lot. I have to say at 19 I’m surprised these kids are even in on a Friday night??

You do need your DH on side too - at the very least he should be sympathetic and helping to mediate between this - even by just helping you to have better plans than sitting in your car. If he’s not helpful and caring then is there a deeper issue, do you think you have had enough of him too or is the relationship good apart from the issue with his DC?

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

Doubletrouble99 · 09/11/2018 21:11

As a step mother I do have some sympathy but I never had that situation where it was so bad I had to leave. I parented them in a sort of auntie way if you like. I had known them since they were 11 and 12 by the time they were 19 they were both at Uni in other cities so didn't see so much of them. Does your DH still pay maintenance for them? What are they doing? Are they at college or are they working? By that stage we were giving them the maintenance themselves into their own account to pay towards their fees etc.

I really wouldn't leave the house unless I really did need to go shopping and I certainly wouldn't miss my tea. Hope you didn't make it for them!

LizzieBennettDarcy · 09/11/2018 21:12

I feel really sad for you OP.

And your DH needs to put a stop to the toddler tantrumming that they are doing.

Frankly they are old enough to know better.

Brazenhussy0 · 09/11/2018 21:13

OP, I really feel for you. There's been times where I felt I needed to get out the house as well - I get it. But you can't be doing this every time they visit. It just isn't fair for you to feel forced out your own house like this.

You have to speak to your DH about it and make him realise that this has to stop. They're 19 now and either he see's them outside your house or they are told to behave like adults.

Gottalovethesummer · 09/11/2018 21:17

Put a lock on your bedroom door ( no need to seek DH permission to do this.) and watch a film with headphones on next time. Sitting in a car is unacceptable when you should have your privacy respected in your own home.

smithsally884 · 09/11/2018 21:22

you are talkin as thouh they are guests, but it's their dad's home too and as children of divorced parents they should think of it as their second home.