Sad step mum

[Mentalhealthworries]

Another night of sitting in my car in the terrible weather while DH and his kids enjoy tea at home.
I can’t bear it. Life as a step mum really sucks! Don’t do it if you have a choice.

....and you should think of it as their second home too

They are 19 year old twins, boy and girl. They live with their mum but absurdly still continue with child contact night EOW and weekdays in between. absurdly? DC are still DC at any age IMO.
Having said that, I totally understand the sitting in the car leaving the young adults alone to bicker. I have a comfortable car with a great sound system and 19 year olds can be deeply trying. And these are not DSC either. Difference is, DH would be cruising those streets with me!

The fact that you find it 'absurd' that your DH's young adult children still want to stay over with their Dad says it all OP.

I gather they must live full time with their mother as do most 19 year olds these days due to housing costs?

Good on your DH for not being manipulated by you going off on a huff and still having them to stay.

They are guests in my home! It’s not their home. Home is their mother’s house. They lost the right to call it home four years ago.

what did they do to lose the right to call it home four years ago

I agree that you should maybe post on the step parenting board

What happened four years ago, would it help to talk it through and let off some steam?

Tbh i do find it a bit weird they have sleepovers at their dads. At that age id expect them to visit and come over for tea but organised contact is weird.

Op go home. Its your home. Dont let them drive you out of it.

Also forgot to check again - do they never go out? At 19 I was out with my friends most fridays and Saturdays, they sound a little infantilised to me? With the bickering and arranged contact etc. I’d be uncomfortable with that parenting

I doubt its 'organised contact'. Maybe they aren't ready to give up the status quo yet, in the same way they're still living at home with their Mum. The weekend visits are just part of still living at 'home'.

Why should their mother have to put up with their 'bickering' full time?

Although it sounds as if the OP finds being in their presence unbearable and I'm assuming doesn't have DC of her own so her reaction to normal family interaction is perhaps disproportionate unless she's going to come back with examples of extreme behaviour.

They do remind me of my 2 DDs of 9 and 6 with their bickering and their behaviour sounds very childish, but it's your DH you should be blaming for letting this carry on. Hiding in your car with a sandwich makes no sense at all, it sounds as if you're doing it to make a point, which is actually equally childish.

what happened 4 years ago?

Seriously? Don't do it if you have a choice ? How horrible.
I have DSC and yes they do fight and argue with each other sometime but I would never go and sit in my car because if it.
You sound so spiteful, like it's completely their fault you don't like them. Grow up and leave him if it that much of an issue.
Guests in your home? Utter selfishness.

Oh dear, looks like the knives are out!

Ignore the unkind posters OP. People like to be horrible to step mums on here.

There’s been some good advice about ways to try and turn it into a positive. Making it your own time to do things you want to do. Don’t let yourself be pushed out of your own home to sit miserably in your car.

Any chance they might be off to uni soon?

Time for a house meeting. We did this when our youngest turned 18.
Explain that you are all adults in this house, and as such everyone needs to be treated with kindness and respect, just as you would treat any other adult. Talk about respecting boundaries as well.
Then discuss house rules, set up chore charts so no one person gets lumbered doing all the work. Discuss finances if they have jobs, and talk about financial contributions.
I had some push back initially with ‘ I am going out with friends tonight so I can’t cook’. I countered this with an offer to swap nights, or a suggestion to use the slow cooker so people still got fed.
DH still refers to the chore chart every night to see what his job is for the evening, 2 years on!

Is persistent bickering really common in young adults? Smaller children I can understand but blimey I am sure would have been told to shut up if we had actually bickered at that age, it seems so odd.

Do you have step children MadMum? I think you’re being overly judgemental to the OP, she’s also venting here in a safe space away from her DH and step children so she’s likely expressing herself much differently here than she does IRL.

Maybe my family dynamic was different but once you’re late teens/ young adults surely the dynamic is quite different - they shouldn’t be constantly bickering like children anywhere - at mum or dad’s house!

Bickering is relatively common between siblings even older teenagers/young adult siblings IME as a mother to 3 of them including twins, and through neices/nephews and friend's DC.

This isn't constant on the OP (if it is at all) as they're only there 8 days out of the month from the sound of it.

I don't have stepchildren No, Silver, does it matter? The OP presumably knew her DH had DC before they married. She doesn't have to do anything for them but tolerate them 8 days a month for the sake of her DH maintaining a close relationship with them, not guilt tripping him that she has to leave her own house and eat a soggy sandwich in her car on a wet and windy night because she can't stand them.

Hope you’re okay. You can’t change others you can only change your reaction to them. Sorry but it is time to be self centred. 💐

Sounds like you weren't ready for the role of step mum. If you can't take on the job don't marry a man with kids.

Why did they lose the right OP?

Isn't there a nice pub anywhere near that serves food? Take your iPad and have a glass of wine. Your treat to yourself!

Unless they did something extreme, you are being incredibly harsh. They have no right to refer to their dads home as theirs? This is awful - I hope your husband doesn’t feel this way.

If there is a massive drip feed and they fed your mother to your cat then I apologise.

there is a massive drip feed and they fed your mother to your cat then I apologise.
This...what does it mean. Feed your mother to your cat?