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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure what to do? Awkward situation

129 replies

Slipp3rs · 08/11/2018 19:32

I have no children but my DB has 4 and my SIL has 1 (age 6)

My DB has told me to buy his kids something small as he has 4 kids and it’s expensive so I’ve chosen a joint present.

My SIL has sent me a list for her child and I’ve chosen something and bought off the list.

I’m now feeling a bit bad as I can’t afford to buy my DBs 4 children the same as I’ve bought SIL’s child as there are 4 of them and it was be really expensive to buy 4 of what I’ve bought SILs child.

I’m a bit worried that they will all open their presents at the same time (DB children are similar age) and the children will see that one has a much better present than the others.

Aibu - but my BIL told me not to spend much.

OP posts:

Mikklehaha · 09/11/2018 18:26

Your BIL is probably just trying to be thoughtful and doesn’t want you to overspend. Just because he says ‘don’t spend too much’ doesn’t mean he thinks his children should be treated unfairly.

ConciseandNice · 09/11/2018 18:27

You can’t spend different amounts. It’s just really unfair. Better to not bu anything at all.

Oneinthegrave · 09/11/2018 18:38

I don’t feel like i have to spend the same amount on children within my family, i just find a gift I feel they’d like, so I might end up spending £15 on one nephew and £20 on another. But if the gift fits them why does it matter how much you spent? Should i be giving one nephew 1 gift and the other 2 gifts because one was cheaper???

RB68 · 09/11/2018 19:14

I like to try and keep it balanced by child rather than family - its not like they chose to be one of 4 etc.

Our family seems to work on the basis of equal spends on kids whether they are only children one or two or one of three. We buy for kids not adults but if you have no kids then you still get a pressie ie 3 of my siblings have no kids so get a pressie - they don't get me one but they do buy for my daughter so ostensibly the present is from her.

anniehm · 09/11/2018 19:18

For primary aged kids equal is best and a gift each to unwrap - a handful of small gifts even better as more to unwrap. Teenagers can see the bigger picture so a joint gift with a sibling or for birthday &Xmas is fine. Toddlers prefer the boxes!

LondonLassInTheCountry · 09/11/2018 19:21

So 4 of them have a joint present and one child has their own present.

No no no...

You need to spend the same amount on all of them

Chucky16 · 09/11/2018 19:27

Don’t think you are quite getting it Oneinthegrave nothing wrong with the way you do it, but would be unfair if you went shopping looking for gifts worth £80 for one and gifts worth £20 for rest of your nieces/nephews. The way you do it means the single child might get a cheaper present than one of their cousins but as you have taken the time to choose what you think each child would like it’s lovely. Doesn’t need to be exactly the same value but needs to be transparent that all the children are equal. Shouldn’t discriminate between them, as they will think the single child with expensive present is favourite.

SassitudeandSparkle · 09/11/2018 19:32

Agree with the PP who said you should spend the same amount on each child, not per family!

celticprincess · 09/11/2018 19:37

@swisspookie it’s not the value that’s in question. I think it’s the fact that 1 set of 4 children will get to open one present to share whilst another only child gets their own gift and it sounds like all children may be together when this happens. It will be very tricky for the children and those sharing won’t understand why their cousin gets their own gift when they don’t.

suzy2b · 09/11/2018 19:40

to to somewhere like the entertainer they have good prices

QueSera · 09/11/2018 19:58

You need to spend the same amount (roughly) on each child. Otherwise it is not fair.

Alwaysasparklymoment99 · 09/11/2018 20:03

Don't buy joint presents. Unless its a game for the xbox wih 2 players or a board game of sorts. Its just never the same.
I also think you should spend the same amount on each.

stickytoffeepuddingandicecream · 09/11/2018 20:05

It’s quite simple, you buy them all something for the same value within what you can afford. Sil might have sent you a list of things she wants for her child but if it isn’t within your budget she can’t have it.

bellanotte22 · 09/11/2018 20:24

Kids have an auntie that clearly spends a lot more on other nieces and nephews presents than she does on my kids. Think 1 pound craft kits vs brand new xbox titles despite children being same ages.

I think she does it on purpose as she knows they will open them at the same time and she is not hugely fond of my husband/her DB. It's a ridiculous tactic and one we joke about as my kids had twigged. Funnily enough they aren't hugely fond of her obvious contempt. It's definitely her attitude that is the issue, they are not grabby.

I think its important to be careful with kids as they do take things to heart and will notice large inequalities and your relationship with them might suffer unintentionally.

eastegg · 09/11/2018 20:29

Sorry, is this about Christmas? Only it's November 9th.

I know I'm being annoying and it's been done to death but it still sucks that Christmas starts in October.

Couldn't help noticing op didn't even mention Christmas, she could have been talking about birthdays which they all have coming up, after all about a sixth of the population do have birthdays between now and Christmas.

Think I'll go and have a lie down

Zara87 · 09/11/2018 21:13

@eastegg - tis the festive 'season' (not month) embrace it! I love it! I much prefer getting fully sorted by the end of November then being able to enjoy December with minimal shopping and wrapping and instead focus on the fun side of Xmas

Originallymeonly · 09/11/2018 21:24

Seasonality issues for the poster with the late spring username :

eastegg

Sorry, is this about Christmas? Only it's November 9th.

eastegg · 09/11/2018 21:57

Actually since you mention 'season' Zara, why don't we extend the celebrations over the whole of the winter i.e. December to February. Because January is for booking holidays and losing weight and February is for valentines. The forces of commercialism have got us exactly where they want us

eastegg · 09/11/2018 22:04

I actually adore Christmas by the way, it's just not Christmas yet. And yes you can plan and prepare and get excited, I do that, but what's going on these days in October and November isn't planning and preparing, it's totally full-on 'it's here!' crap

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 09/11/2018 22:40

Do you buy for the adults too OP? I ask because my mum has a budget for households, but she spends the same on all the grandchildren. So, my brother has more children than me - all the children get similar value, so she spends less on my brother than she does for me. My sister doesn't have any children so she always buys her quite a few extra gifts.

My brother used to be a bit grabby in terms of presents for his children and I had to point out that we had a whole load of nieces and nephews to buy for while he had 1.

If you don't buy for the adults, I'd buy all the children similar value presents, but not spend too much, and for your SIL's household maybe pop in some treats for them all if you want to even up the spend. Sounds like your brother is being quite thoughtful so shouldn't be offended.

caringcarer · 09/11/2018 23:23

I can't imagine why you would treat nephews and nieces differently. Split budget by 5 or else one kid feels more loved than others. I actually think it is pretty mean tbh op.

onegiftedgal · 10/11/2018 00:46

You should split the total money 5 ways or perhaps forget about presents altogether?

angelfacecuti75 · 10/11/2018 03:01

Buy them some stuff from Poundland. The 2 year old won't notice.

Oysterbabe · 10/11/2018 07:04

Could you buy an additional small gift each for the 4?

bossyrossy · 10/11/2018 07:46

The two year old twins will not be aware or care how much their presents cost and the five year old probably the same, so don’t worry. Get the seven year old something that he wants. We all spend far too much on Christmas presents for children on things that are often five minute wonders.

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