Not sure what to do? Awkward situation

[Slipp3rs]

I have no children but my DB has 4 and my SIL has 1 (age 6)

My DB has told me to buy his kids something small as he has 4 kids and it’s expensive so I’ve chosen a joint present.

My SIL has sent me a list for her child and I’ve chosen something and bought off the list.

I’m now feeling a bit bad as I can’t afford to buy my DBs 4 children the same as I’ve bought SIL’s child as there are 4 of them and it was be really expensive to buy 4 of what I’ve bought SILs child.

I’m a bit worried that they will all open their presents at the same time (DB children are similar age) and the children will see that one has a much better present than the others.

Aibu - but my BIL told me not to spend much.

I say stick with the lovely present for the one child and the joint present, but also, of you can afford to, buy something not overly expensive, that your DBs children will love, one thing for each of them!

I agree with everyone else - you should spend the same amount on each child or it's unfair.
I would say this is particularly important for the twins. Twins get so many joint presents and are so often lumped together in to one unit. You need to treat them as two separate people with separate interests and desires (I realise at 2 their interests and desires will be pretty similar but start as you mean to go on).

You have 5 nieces and nephews, you should spend the same on each niece and nephew not the same per family
Spot on.

"I’d spend the same on all nephews and nieces regardless of whose child they were or how many siblings they had. If that meant they were all having a slightly smaller gift so be it."

^ this and this v v v

"You should spend the same amount on each child. It’s really unfair how you’ve currently allocated your budget"

and others saying same amount per child (not per family)

All my nieces and nephews get the same spent. Regardless of my DS having 3 and my DB having 1.
It's the only fair way.

Spend the same on each

You should split what you have to spend 5 ways. Each child is an individual and each one is equally your niece/nephew. They don’t ‘devalue’ by having siblings.

Yes I agree you should (roughly) spend the same on each.

Tell the SIL you are not sure how it'll work out this year, and you may not be buying something off her list. End of.

I have 9 nephews between my sis and SIL. Ages vary from 11-2, all get £20 each. Simplest way.
Costs us a fortune at Xmas though and was (slightly) miffed last year when my SIL just gave my only ds a £1 selection box

I have 2 sisters who each have 2 children and 2 BIL’s, 1 has 3 kids, the other 2 and a cousin who I am extremely close to who has 1 child that I also buy for. I spend roughly the same amount “per child” rather than “per family”, I just think it’s the fairest way.

I completely agree with the others who say divide your total budget by the amount of children. It’s the only fair way.

Yes definitely spend the same on each child. Though the youngest won’t notice. I try to spend similar on my own 3. Now they are older they try to work out how much has been spent on each of them, in particular my middle child, had always sits and Google’s items. He’s been told that I might spend more on one of them one year, then more on someone else another year. He’s accepted that. But he still has to add it up!

I find it bizarre that the general view of the value of gifts is only about the money. Value, especially to a child, is how much they love something, right? I budget for 4 nieces and nephews, but I don’t panic about whether I have spent equally on each. As long as I think they will like the present, they won’t know how much the gift cost anyway. What am I missing here? Last year I got clothes for one and unicorn theme bath stuff for the other niece. Both delighted - one gift over £30 the other well under £20. Unless a gift is seriously crap or utterly thoughtless, when kids (or their parents) are getting worked up over how much the giver has spent, something’s surely wrong.

I always spend the same on every niece/nephew according to my available budget, be that £10 each or £20 or whatever. Our siblings have anything between 1 and 5 children each but I couldn't ever spend £10 each on the bigger family while spending £50 on one child!! It just wouldn't seem fair. X

Tbh at that age they quite often don't know monetary value of things anyway, so just split it equally. My children have been just as happy with £10 worth of craft stuff than lol dolls or that cost £30+. Could you explain to the parents 'I'm going to spend x amount each per child this year, any ideas of what I can get Fanny or Frank for that?" You'll prob find they have lots of ideas of what they'd like for any budget.

Personally I don't like to get presents from a list. To me the pleasure, and the effort, is in thinking of what to get them myself. So I would throw away the list for your SIL's child and spend the same on each child, bearing in mind that certainly the little ones will have no idea what their presents are worth in money terms, and even the older ones probably won't twig, so there is wiggle room.

"Aibu - but my BIL told me not to spend much."

Your BIL should not be telling you what to spend. You can make a choice to get whatever you want and normally ask ideas but you should not be expected to spend money you cannot afford.

IMHO I would return the gifts and do as LemonSqueezy0 says...

"I spend the same amount/get similar sized gifts for each child individually, not depending how many siblings each child has! That seems a bit random tbh. They are all your neices and nephews, it's definitely easier."

I'd also tell your BIL in the nicest possible way (in future) that you will choose a gift or get ideas within a price range you can afford.

I've got a bunch of God children. Mostly we buy a specific gift for that child but some families say buy a family gift. I do it because they request it but to be honest it doesn't feel great, I'd rather buy for my God child. But all these kids are your nieces and nephews.

I have a very similar situation and I spend an equal amount on each nephew/niece, very unfair otherwise!

I would definitely not be spending by family, it should be by child. My DH has two brothers, one has two children and the other a single step child. We spend the same on all four of them.

I definitely do not agree that spending £10 on the four siblings and £40 on the only child is fair.

*one has three children

Personally, I would split the amount of money I have to spend five ways, and buy them something they like each

This is what I would do too - so, not £50/family, but £20/child, for instance

That is much the fairest way.

I never spend more on one nephew/niece than the rest. In fact my db1 has 1 child and db2 has 4. All get the same, though to be honest db1’s daughter never seems to appreciate what she gets whilst db2’s children are very grateful. To be honest I would probably give more to db2’s children if I could get away with it, as db1’s daughter gets everything she wants and gets more spent on her than db2 is able to spend on all his together. However as they open the presents together I make sure all get roughly the same value present, even though sil1 does look down her nose at it.

DH and I are the childless ones and we have 4 nieces/nephews to buy for.

We spend roughly the same on each but with the caveat that there will be years when one particular child is more fun to buy for/is particularly cheap. We got a lot of value out of Lidl wooden toys for a long while for example which make for massive parcels but were v cheap. Equally 3 yr olds don't care much what they get and are happiest with the wrapping paper while a 7 yr old will do.

But over all it balances out.