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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure what to do? Awkward situation

129 replies

Slipp3rs · 08/11/2018 19:32

I have no children but my DB has 4 and my SIL has 1 (age 6)

My DB has told me to buy his kids something small as he has 4 kids and it’s expensive so I’ve chosen a joint present.

My SIL has sent me a list for her child and I’ve chosen something and bought off the list.

I’m now feeling a bit bad as I can’t afford to buy my DBs 4 children the same as I’ve bought SIL’s child as there are 4 of them and it was be really expensive to buy 4 of what I’ve bought SILs child.

I’m a bit worried that they will all open their presents at the same time (DB children are similar age) and the children will see that one has a much better present than the others.

Aibu - but my BIL told me not to spend much.

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/11/2018 19:50

I would definitely split the money 5 ways. I am assuming all these children live together so it would be noticeable when opening gifts? Surely you should be treating them all equally?

As an aside what on earth have you brought that a 7, 5 and two 2 year olds can share?

JustJoinedRightNow · 08/11/2018 19:54

I agree, they each get the same amount of money spent on them. You need to budget and spend only what you can afford on them all.

MorningsEleven · 08/11/2018 19:57

I need to see a family tree.

soontobeanana · 08/11/2018 19:57

I presume they are in separate households but they might open presents together at a family gathering. I can see why the OP has done this and I'm not sure the children will notice - they are still fairly young. May be worth having a family discussion before next year

Dextrodependant · 08/11/2018 19:59

I also agree that you should spend the same on each of the children, if that means getting the only child a cheaper present then so be it. I am sure the parents of the only can afford to get her more than the siblings are receiving already without the rest of the family joining in.

Original poster
Slipp3rs · 08/11/2018 20:01

Sorry I’ve not been clear.

They are both my brothers children, it’s just that communication about presents was done via my brother (4 children) and then my SIL (1 child)

My brother with the 1 child works abroad a lot and his wife - my SIL deals with the presents.

OP posts:
Ariela · 08/11/2018 20:02

Two year olds won't know/care.

GrouchyKiwi · 08/11/2018 20:02

OP's brother has 4 children, OP's SIL (presumably the DP's sister) has one .

I think you're fine, OP. 4 presents is 4 more lots of stuff in the house.

GrouchyKiwi · 08/11/2018 20:04

Oh yes, two brothers. I have no brains.

Witchend · 08/11/2018 20:04

A few thoughts:

I hates joint presents. They were always joint for me and dsis and dbro got a separate one (worth at least the same as our joint one).
Me and dsis are very different, so it was never something we both were delighted by. Plus she was the older one, and had a room twice my side so it always ended up being "oh she's got to have it in her room"-which effectively meant I had to ask to use it.
Only exception was as we got older my uncle used to give us a jigsaw between us. Never minded that-probably because I was the most keen on jigsaws; I suspect my siblings were less impressed.

If one's an only child, and your dbro are one of four, I'll put bets that her presents on average are bigger and better anyway. The children won't see it as "same amount of money per family" they'll see it as "everyone likes her better and gets her better presents".

Your bil was kind saying don't spend too much. Seems like he's being penalised for it whereas your sil asked for more expensive presents. Example of how the pushy get more.

Very simple: Take budget for nieces and nephews. Divide by 5.Give them a present to that value each. Occasionally you may get something in the sale, or spend a little more/less due to what you get. If it evens out in the end, that's fine. If you always find one gets more/less that's not fair.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2018 20:04

I'd spend the same on each nephew/niece no matter what household they were in.

It's your budget to decide, not to be dictated.

ThePinkOcelot · 08/11/2018 20:05

This was me when growing up. There was 4 of us at home. My cousin was an only child. She always got better presents than us because ours was split by 4. I think it’s a bit shit tbh! You should have split your budget 5 ways. Why should the single child get a better present, be more worthy than the others?!

bringbackthestripes · 08/11/2018 20:06

spend the same amount on each child or it is very unfair. My Bro has 4 kids, my sis has 2. Why should my brothers children get a lesser value gift just because they have more siblings? Confused it’s not their fault they have a bigger family, why should my sis 2 kids get higher value gifts just because she stopped at two? It would looked like I loved them more if I didn’t spend equally.

Hadenoughofallthis · 08/11/2018 20:07

Split your present budget 5 ways.They're all your nieces/nephews. Why should one get a greater amount spent than the others?

CrispbuttyNo1 · 08/11/2018 20:07

Spend the same amount on each by dividing the budget you have by 5 or it’s unfair and will cause resentment.

IrisAtwood · 08/11/2018 20:08

I always divided the amount I had to spend by the number of children to buy for, regardless of how many belonged to which parents.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 08/11/2018 20:09

Ok so if they are in separate houses then actually it would be much fairer to give each child a present of the same value. The 4 siblings will likely have to share lots of their things especially the twins so its even more important they have their own presents. Whereas their cousin currently has all the toys to themselves so likely has more gifts and more expensive presents through being an only.

Nanna50 · 08/11/2018 20:09

I agree with splitting your money five ways, no joint presents and all equal. I do this with all of my nieces and nephews regardless of how many siblings they have, I buy per child not per family.

Dollymixture22 · 08/11/2018 20:10

You have to spend the same on each child. Regardless of how many siblings they have

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 08/11/2018 20:10

I think this if really unfair sorry. You have 5 nieces and nephews, you should spend the same on each niece and nephew not the same per family.
They are separate children, Theres not 4 of them as such, they have seprate identities and there are 5 individual childten regardless of who their parents are. It's not the children's fault they have 3 other siblings and using your method they will always be losing out.

ohello · 08/11/2018 20:15

Just seconding what others have said...

"Personally, I would split the amount of money I have to spend five ways, and buy them something they like each."

"Take present back to shop with receipt, get refund, and buy kids something of equal value then one is getting better present than the other kids"

Maybe take them all out for a consumable treat? Whatever you can afford, just have fun spending time with them be your gift.

JockTamsonsBairns · 08/11/2018 20:17

Ah, you have two brothers - one with four DC's, and one with one dc. Thanks for clarifying!

I generally spend roughly the same for nieces and nephews within the same household, but not always equal across all my nieces and nephews iyswim?
So, one of my brothers has three DC's, he's an extremely high earner (as is SIL) and my niece and nephews from that leg of the family want for nothing. There is, quite frankly, nothing I could buy them that could come close to the sheer amount of expensive stuff they already have. I'm loathe to call them spoilt, as I love them, but that would quite probably be an accurate description. I generally just buy them a fun token gesture, just to let them know I've thought about them.
My sister, on the other hand, has raised her two boys on her own, doesn't have much money, but tries to stretch out what she's got. I spend much more on those two nephews, as I know it helps 'bulk out' their presents, and they get so excited about Xmas gifts as they don't really have a lot.
I've always thought that's fair. No-one's ever complained or commented anyway.

Original poster
Slipp3rs · 08/11/2018 20:18

Thank you for your advice. Looks like most people think the same.

Glad I posted now and will rethink my gifts

OP posts:
MeMeMeow85 · 08/11/2018 20:21

You should spend the same amount on each child. It’s really unfair how you’ve currently allocated your budget

Gemini69 · 08/11/2018 20:22

I'd spend the same amount on EACH child.. always... Flowers