To be embarrassed to live in a terraced house?

[Whysosad]

I know IBU and sound snobby. I'm prepared to be flamed for this post but please read entire post!!

This is an insecurity i have never spoken openly about (although touched on it in counseling). So i may not articulate myself well!!

I grew up poor to a single mother with 5 kids. The houses we grew up in were always terraced houses. Not the nice big town houses or the lovely 3 storey victorians. Think more coronation street. The fact they were massively cluttered and cramped didn't help. My mum decided to send me to senior school in a affluent village away from the poor area we lived. All my friends lived in big detached or semi detached houses or new builds. Their houses were always decoated nicely and were so modern with decking in their back gardens and a nice conservatory. Even my friends who werent so well off and didn't have the latest clothes or go on holidays still somehow lived in a nice house. I was the only person i knew who lived in a terrace house surrounded by terraced houses. I knew one or two people in my year that lived in terraced houses in the village but they were cottage terraces so still nice and smart. The people i grew up with were never aware they lived in what i thought to be 'nice houses' as it was just the norm to them i suppose. Everyone lived in a new build, detached, semi or cottage. The housing association flats on the outskirts were new builds and very modern inside.

I know it sounds bad, but i would be embarrassed to have my friends stay over or see where i lived, even as young as 11. I always wondered what they were thinking as they left their lovely clean minimalised semis or new builds and pulled up outside my terraced house on my grim street. I remember when my mum decided to sell her house to move closer to my school i begged her to get a 'new build' or semi. Or if it had to be a terrace, then a terrace where it was only 1 of 5 terrace houses like the little cottage terraces. To make matters worse my friends dad was an estate agent who sold new builds and when he saw my mum was selling asked my mum to come view the houses he was selling. I remmeber being mortified inside knowing we could never live there. Instead due to costs my mum bought another terraced house on the 'grim' outskirts of the village which was considered a deprived area. There were mattresses and sofas outside peoples houses and i was even more embarrassed. I feel awful writing this as i know she did her best so don't blame/resent her in anyway at all. I remember that in my young teenage mind i couldn't understand why everyone else could live in nice houses and we couldn't. I couldn't understand why even my friends whos parents were shop assistants or worked in a factory were able to live in a nice house but my mum who had a good job couldn't.

Anyway, fast forward to now. I was always adamant and fixated that i would live in a new build or semi or detached. Its been a dream for me (weird i know). Due to growing up skint I've always been very good with money and a saver not a spender. I've got a professional job and a good salary. When it came to buying my house despite my longing, my sensible head decided to override my wishes and i decided on a small 2 bed terraced house as i was buying on my own with no kids.
My mortgage is TINY and i don't need anymore room for just ne. It makes such financial sense.

However, despite being an adult and in my twenties with plenty of time to move up the property ladder, I'm still embaressed about where i live. All my work colleagues live in new builds, semis or detached houses. Literally EVERYONE. My friends who rent, rent nice houses. My friends who own, own nice houses. My single friends live in nice modern flats in the city centre. No one else lives in a terraced house like me. I feel the exact same way i did at school.

In my line of work a lot of our clients live in houses just like mine. I think i find it quite difficult because my colleagues, the 'professionals', all have these nice big houses and then our clients who often live in poverty, live in houses the same as mine.
I keep assuming people think I'm scruffy and somehow inferior. Its illogical thinking.
My friends came to view the house with me and all said it perfect/lovely/cosy. But i know for a fact they themselves would never live there!! It felt almost patronising for them to be praising my little terrace on a shit street when they all lived in their nice detached houses with garages and drives. Its so hard to go from having drinks at their houses with their dining rooms and hallways to then my house.

Don't get me wrong, i love my little house. Its perfect. I've decorated it beautifully if i say so myself. I just wish i could pick it up and place it somewhere else. I'm not even materialistic. I have a 20 year old banger car which i love even though i could afford a new one. Im not bothered about designer clothes or any of that stuff. So I'm not bothered about being showy. Its just this weird complex i have about terraced houses.

Has anyone ever dealt with this? If so how do you get over it?

Does anyone else live in a terraced house and really not care?

Also can people be really honest and state what their opinions are on terraced houses and whether or not they would live in one?

Its such a bizzaire complex i have that i want to get over!!

@Whysosad - I totally understand how you feel. I had a similar upbringing and I think those feelings of shame and perceived stigma / feeling "lesser than" become very deeply embedded. It is very hard to shake those feelings, even as an adult and knowing that "comparison is the thief of joy". I totally understand why you feel the way that you do 

The photos inside showed crappy IKEA (no judgement we've all been there

 and some will always be "there". There's some painful snobbery on this thread.

Second @Polkasq absolutely.

Crappy Ikea furniture

When we bought our first house we had no furniture apart from the odds and sods of second hand and hand me downs we took from my one bedroom flat. Whole rooms went unfinished for years as paying the mortgage took all our money. Would I have changed it for any other beautifully furnished property? No way, that house with empty rooms was my pride and joy and an important stepping stone to the beautiful home we have today (although even this house has `Ikea furniture which is stylish, well built and not crappy at all).

I wouldn't want to pay more for furniture than Ikea prices. It isn't crappy, we bought stuff 20 years ago that is still going strong.

Bloody hell! Was only trying to cheer up OP with my tale of this poor family selling the dream home because it appeared to me to have stretched their budget too far.

If your budget is squeezed then that's fine - I'm just referencing the fact OP says she's got a bit of cash and has some nice stuff.

Fwiw a lot of my stuff is IKEA. My bed is 16 years old and right now I'm sat on a 10 year old couch. I have other bits too but those two pieces are the ones I love most.

But there is (I hope you'll agree) a difference between my 10 year old ektorp and the £6 lak side table which lasts 16 minutes precisely.

Pooles redemption unnecessary - we love what we love. I have battered stuff I adore... And tbh MY version of beautifully decorated would make others shudder in horror - beautiful homes it ain't!

Someone I know has just spent £2.5 million in a terraced house that needs work.
She can't be remotely ashamed about living in a terrace!

And in the town where ILs live, the naice area is all terraces

It's a sad reflection of society that certain people judge the worth of others by bricks and mortar. You made a wise financial wise decision.
You work hard for what you have so hold your head up high and as difficult as it is take no notice of the materialistic judgements people may have.

Stop focusing on what you don't have & be grateful for what you do have - a roof over your head!!
Ridiculous attitude.

The grass is not always as green as it looks. I grew up in a 4th flr flat when all my friends had houses or large flats in houses. I was embarassed because i felt poor (we were though) and I never wanted friends to stay, I thought they'd look down on me because their homes were nicer.

When we moved as a teenager into another flat on ground floor, it was still the same feeling.

Eventually as an adult with my own kids, we've finally moved into what I always dreamed of. A little house with three floors (no idea why I dreamed of three floors!), and i love the inside itself. It's a terrace of 6, but we look at garages and blocks of flats behind those. And god do I wish now sometimes we were in a flat because I bloody hate having a small garden even though I thought I would love one. The culture of nothing ever being "good enough" Is awful. Sometimes I look at local listings and one of the flats opposite me will be for sale and honestly they look a lot more modern and pretty than my house!!

Terraced houses are lovely, and there will be many who wish they were in one. You've done well so don't sell it short. I worked at the council and when i was calling about a place to look at, I told the lady I felt a bit weird about it, coming to see a place with people I work with in an extended way, showing me around. She said where do you think most of us live? Council houses!!

You don't know what mortgages those people have with the beautiful modern builds or grand driveways and detached houses. THEY could be skint every month to live there, in debt up to their eyeballs, and you're comfy.

I think calling the op things like ridiculous is coming from a pretty narrow view. These things from childhood can really carry on and affect you into adulthood. I totally get where the op is coming from. We moved to a.n.other city when I was a child for my dads job. We weren’t rich my dad had been made redundant 6 months before finding this job and we weren’t posh but I was 7 and moving from a small rural village to the middle of a big city so probably did seem a bit different. I was picked on for being too posh. FF a few years my dad had been head hunted and in a better job and they sent me to a local private school and worked bloody hard to do it.
Problem was I lived in a neighbourhood with a not great reputation so I was constantly picked on for not being posh enough. We also lived in a tenement flat which wasn’t good enough either.
I have similar if not as strong as the op feelings about flats and I know it’s entirely unfounded and have owned and rented flats when I was younger before having children but still have this nag in the back of my head that a flat isn’t as good as a house and that I’d be looked down on if I lived in one. It’s not about how I feel as such I’ve lived in and seen some beautiful flats but it’s that worry that I’d be judged for choosing to live in one because it’s something that I was judged for and picked on in the past and it stays with you. I’m also probably guilty of buying my children more expensive clothes than they need and giving in to requests for labels from the teenagers because the need to conform was always dismissed by my parents and I get that it feels very important when you’re a teenager living it.

The op’s friends probably weren’t giving her situation a second thought when they made those comment but it doesn’t mean they didn’t sting. I think that if there is any adult out there that says they aren’t still affected in some way by things like this from childhood are either lying or in denial. The op isn’t being a snob or ridiculous she is being a flawed human being and guilty of nothing more than worrying too much about what others think of her.

Ok I can see your point. I just think it's such a shame that we're so consumed with what other people think of us, to the point where OP deems her perfectly nice, fit-for-purpose house as not good enough, just in case someone happens to judge it & think 'mine's bigger'.
Sounds like OP's mum worked hard to provide a home & a good education. Whilst there'll always be someone who has more, there are many people with far less.

That was very long. I think you need to relax about it. Your house is your home do not get hung up on the ins and outs of it, anyone normal won't think less of you because it's not a semi or detached!

One of our sofas is an amazingly beautiful Ikea Stockholm one in royal blue velvet. It seats four easily, has TEN cushions and cost quite a bit!

Crappy Ikea? Are you insane? Their designers are some of the best! The poshest department store in Stockhom, NK, was showcasing their credentials and featuring tasteful black and white photographs, when we visited the city s few years ago!

What this thread shows above all is the absolute ignorance of people who think a terraced house is like the houses depicted on Coronation Street. There are terraces and terraces. 🙄

This is obviously a massive deal for you. If you are still on your own with no dependants, and likely to stay that way, sell your terrace and buy a little modern flat in the city centre. Get out from under these feelings - you are obviously very self aware about them but still can't change them, so just change the situation. There's no sense living somewhere you don't feel happy because if you can afford a terraced house and you only have yourself to please you can afford other options.

I do think you should stop attributing such importance to yourself in others' minds though - chances are most people in your life, friends, especially co-workers(!) couldn't give less of a monkey's what kind of house you live in. At all. Teenagers are hypersensitive, hypercritical and obsessed by trivialities. Don't be stuck in that mode for the rest of your life!

YABVVU. Near where I live, three-bedroom terraced houses routinely sell for £1 million-plus.

silent indeed. And as I've already explained there's a difference between good IKEA and shit IKEA. There's a disconnect between a million quid house (not London!) And a £29 bed-frame...

This is part of Royal Terrace in Edinburgh:
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/31/4_Royal_Terrace.JPG/800px-4_Royal_Terrace.JPG

It is not far from Regent Terrace which houses the Embassies!

Focus on what you have got instead of what you haven't.

I'd love to own my own terraced house, I'm 50, DD11 and I pay £650 rent to my miserable landlord who does nothing to maintain the house.

You've got a beautiful house and tiny mortgage and you're only in your 20's, I think that's a fantastic achievement!

Please get some counselling to get past this, it's a sad way to go through life.

To be able to afford to buy your own house in your twenties as a single person is pretty good going in my view. And I would ALWAYS prefer a terraced house to a modern flat. ALWAYS. I think you are being this irrational with your current situation purely because of associations with your childhood. But it is different. You say yourself that your house is decorated beautifully, so to be honest, I’m betting that a lot of your friends or colleagues are probably envious of YOU. Your single friends in their big detached houses must have one helluva mortgage.
You are so young. Enjoy yourself with your friends, go out, have fun. In 30 yrs time you will look back and wonder how such a thing could have bothered you so much.

I grew up in a little terrace and I was never embarrassed by it.

I know people who live in large houses that are skint. I know people who live in terraces because they'd rather not be a slave to a mortgage.

I doubt anyone else cares tbh.

I agree I'd way way prefer a character terrace house than an expensive modern flat, I think they are lovely.

Most people don't look at a persons house and make assumptions in any event! People just have different priorities.

I love ikea.

I know there are terraces and terraces but I'm imagining a small cottage style on a long street.

If OP was in a swanky terrace I imagine she wouldn't be in a tizzwas over it!