To feel insecure because Dsis has had a boob job

[RoboticSealpup]

Dsis and I looked the same before: Slim with a-cups. She's just had surgery to get a full C. My DH knows that I don't want a boob job, so he would never have suggested it. However, Dsis having this done has sort of normalised the idea. She almost assumed I would do the same when she told me about it, which made me feel a bit bad about myself. (A bit like: "I'm fixing my defect! When are you fixing yours?"). Her DH suggested it, but she didn't do it for him. When I asked DH what he thought about boob jobs, he gave me a really unconvincing answer. Something like "it would be weird if you had boobs all of a sudden" and then "I like you, I married you, etc etc. I'm never going to know, what he really thinks, am I? He would never tell me because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I'm relatively happy with my body, but I don't live under a rock- I know I'm far from the ideal with my tiny breasts. I think physical attraction in long term relationships is really important and I know that men are generally pretty obsessed with boobs, although DH doesn't ever look at or comment about other women, so I have absolutely no idea what his ideal is. I'm getting paranoid that he's secretly wishing I had bigger boobs. If that were the case, I'd rather he told me so I could think about it. I wouldn't want to be with someone forever if they lacked something I really wanted. I don't want surgery for myself, but maybe I would do it for him. I'm just never going to know, am I? It's driving me nuts.

Ok, op. Don't have the surgery, that isn't what this issue is about. Have some counselling to rid yourself and your thoughts of your awful ex.

I really think youre overthinking this. No one is perfect. I'm sure there is something, if pushed, you might like to change about your hubby but that won't change and doesn't put you off. You still love and want to be with him.
I don't expect he doesnt fancy anyone else, same as you..I'm sure you think other men and hot. That doesn't mean you want your partner to be like them!

@arethereanyleftatall there will be some men whose partners have had surgery for themselves/personal reasons and they still love their partners regardless, I didn't want women who have had surgery to feel they were automatically a turn off to their partners

Good point Mrs S.

I don't think you actually come across as shallow at all. But you're sort of painting your husband as shallow by believing he wants you to buy bigger boobs like your sister - which he clearly doesn't!

@Mookatron

I guess I have some kind of deeply rooted belief that most men are a bit like my ex in the darkest recesses of their souls, just that they don't talk about it as honestly as he did.

I would totally stay natural - no matter how nice it might look its not worth it imo

Basically your husband can't win - if he says he prefers big boobs you will be upset/angry and if he says small, you don't believe him. Your problem is feeling inadequate next to your sister.

Is the rest of you in proportion with your boobs?

FWIW I think Keira Knightley has a banging bod.

OP you're projecting your own ideas of beauty onto how you think your DH must view you, you talk of yourself being "flat-haired, flat-lipped and flat-chested" like it's a negative - many people would see that as a good thing! My DH and I have been watching The Apprentice and Celebs Go Dating with bemusement as neither of us can understand the attraction of all the over-inflated lips, face fillers, very obviously fake boobs etc. that seem to be all the rage just now. All the women seem to look the same.

My sister had hers done and had to have them removed a few years later as they ruptured and were poisoning her. £5k down the drain. I think she was with the Hospital Group and there is some sort of class action going on now against the surgeon in question and the company.

Tit jobs are GRIM unless they're for restoring breasts that have been removed. Anything else and they just look utterly shit.

Is the rest of you in proportion with your boobs?

Yes. Most of the time, I think I look pretty good. But I guess I still have my exes voice in my head that no man can actually be turned on by a woman with small tits. He actually used to watch porn in bed instead of having sex with me. He didn't want to have sex with me because I didn't want to act our violent porn movies. God, I sound pathetic. I was 20 FGS. I really should be over it by now!

At the end of the day, would your husband like it if you had big boobs? Probably. I'm sure mine would. The same way I would like it if he had defined abs and a washboard stomach. But neither of us love the other less because neither of us have these!

Not all men prefer bigger boobs. My OH said he would find a woman far more attractive if she had small a cups and a fit toned body, than someone who had big boobs and a curvier figure. He thinks little ones can look really sexy if the woman is petite in general

Well your ex is wrong. Very very wrong Chances are he found you incredibly attractive but said what he did to keep you down and make you think no other man would ever want you, therefore no chance of you leaving him. He was a dick. Please don’t let the thoughts of a dick who was likely lying anyway follow you around for the rest of your life.
You have a lovely body, not in spite of your boobs but because of them.

Big boobs are a pain in the arse and I the back!
I have. Wen an A cup and am now anF cup through weight gain and medication.
I would love to be an A cup!

My dh likes it when I glam up(about twice a yr!), but I am sure I am not the most attractive person he has ever seen but I know he loves me and is attracted to me as I am normally too. I think you should see a therapist/life coach or read a self help book. Must be hard feeling like this and not necessary.

He told you what he thought of them

• you’re just choosing to assume differently because you have convinced yourself all men like boobs. If you sre unhappy - fine. Don’t make your husband/ sister the reason to have A boob job. Do it for you.

Hi OP I've vaguely wondered about getting mine done in the past, not triggered by anything in particular other than I'm also small (though have big hips so am not particularly in proportion) but I haven't for a few reasons which I'll share -

My friend who works as a medical negligence lawyer put me off, she deals with a constant stream of ops that have gone badly wrong. It isn't without risk at all

They only last a few years before going rigid or degrading so have to be done again

Studies show that for the vast majority of people who go through the operation, they are NOT happier or more confident long term. The happiest and most confident people are the ones who accept themselves. Often people just find something else to obsess about

Studies also show that a majority of people are not fully happy with the results of their op with a lot of people having subsequent ops to change size or shape

I have seen a lot of bad boob jobs! Where they get the hollow in the middle, unrealistic top cleavage, funny shapes or dimpling or scars

Gravity still has an effect on fake boobs and they are heavier than small normal ones and will sag like natural boobs

I get your sister didn't do this for her husband. But it sounds like quite a coincidence she did it after he asked! I know the whole 'I'm not doing it for men, I'm doing it for myself as I want to be more confident' thing....but if we are being 100pc honest with ourselves, why does having bigger boobs make us more confident?? Other than in a sexual way no one ever really notices or comments. I think it's easy to say but unrealistic to think that women are not conditioned by society to think they need to make themselves as attractive to men as they can be.

Clothes generally look better on small boobs.

I have a friend with big boobs who always wanted to get them reduced - clothes were an issue, men always talked to them, she couldn't buy any pretty non supportive underwear, she had back ache

It sounds like nothing you husband says will make you feel better! I know lots of men though that genuinely are not bothered by big boobs. And even if he wouldn't mind them bigger.....It isn't at the top of his priority list or he wouldn't be with you. Ask men what they find sexy about someone and most won't say their big tits. And if they did, that in itself is pretty unattractive

I think people have a body type eg pear shapes, athletic, curvy etc. I think if your slim overall it will actually look odd if you have big boobs. You just wouldn't be in proportion.

And ultimately....it's just strange when you think about it that, as a society we prefer people who have two big lumps of plastic shoved under their skin!

This is not really about boobs. If you can admit that to yourself then you can deal with the great big glaring issue which is your own self esteem and insecurity.
If you keep going on like you are with your husband then what you are really doing is trying to sabotage the relationship and cause problems where there are none. At some point your husband will do or say the wrong thing and you can go 'see I was right' and cause all manner of problems. And then your internal monologue will be proved - see I am not worthy and all men are bastards ando you will have made yourself very unhappy.
Stop now... Go and find something that appeals to you to sort yourself out, whether it's counselling, therapy, yoga, mindfulness course, running or whatever. And stop obsessing about boobs - they are not the issue.

“Most of the time, I think I look pretty good.“

I imagine you do. And I imagine your husband probably agrees.

We all have things we like and are conventionally attractive about our bodies. Just focus on the flat tummy and the slender thighs when you’re looking in the mirror, rather than the bit you don’t like.

This isn't really anything to do with your DH. Or the boob job; really.

It's that you have accepted a belief from your ex that all men prefer huge boobs and that if they tell you otherwise; they're lying to you and hiding it. And that belief is now so deeply held that you are believing it over your husband; who has told you that he prefers smaller boobs and married you; and has no reason to lie to you about this.

It might help to talk to someone about your self esteem. It's not just boobs - you've said that with her other work too; you feel that she's now a more attractive version of you. That's not true. It may be how you see yourself; but others won't. And you're more than your looks, anyway, but that's not the key thing here.

Talk to someone. Go easy on DH. Don't book a boob job. It won't fix things here.

Thanks so much everyone. Mumsnet is pretty great sometimes.

I do feel a bit better now. And I don't actually want fake boobs. (If I did, there wouldn't be an issue, I would just get it done!) I don't think it will help to get counseling and dwell on what happened when I was 18-20. I'm normally on antidepressants and they really help but I'm pregnant now and I don't want to take them. I'll tough it out!