Guy who's unemployed...

[Mellodrama]

I've met a guy from down my local pub (I come here occasionally in the mornings to grab a coffee & study). Anyway, we started talking as he asked me one day what I was studying, which led on to us talking about his degree and uni days, etc.

Fast-forward to now - we've been getting together maybe once / twice a week for a drink and a gab and literally can spend hours upon hours just talking - he's really intelligent, which is what I like in a guy.

Anyway, we've had a kinda FWB relationship going on but he wants it to be more.

The thing is (what's stopping me), is he is unemployed and has no desire to return to work (he's 53). He was 'let go' by the Job Centre years ago and now claims disability for recurring Depression.

I'm not being overly materialistic here, rather realistic - he's always 'skint' - I have 3 kids and whilst I wouldn't expect a partner to take on financial burden of that, I'd still expect some kind of contribution.

Also, I find it quite lazy that he's not prepared to look for work and seems comfortable to live the way he does right now.

AIBU in using this as a deal-breaker?  Please don't shoot me down guys 

If it doesn't feel right to you, YANBU to take it as a deal breaker.

If friendship is enough for you, as you enjoy his company, is there any reason why you can't carry on as you are? He's obviously managing to support himself; you are supporting yourself, so why not continue on the friendship basis?

If you are seeking a LTR and he has MH issues that stop him working, I wouldn't see that as something to judge him for, but at the same time, it's probably not realistic for him to share the load of your family life, financially or otherwise. If you are looking for an equal partner, you will probably need to look elsewhere, in which case it would be fairer to end things with this man.

He's happy to live his life like that but (understandably) you don't want to live with someone like that. You need to move on and find someone who's got a bit more about him. It sounds as though he's given up on life.

He seems like he’s quite happy and accepting of where he is, I don’t think he’s likely to change (men at that age are often set in their ways) - you need to weigh up if you like him more than you dislike this situation. If you can accept that, great, if not then you’re not compatible and it might be time to move on.

YANBU. I wouldn't go there either.

I've always had a strong work ethic and I couldn't live with someone who didn't. It's too major a difference.

Stick to the benefits (with a small b)

His lack of get-up-and-go (not to mention money) would be a huge turn-off for me. And, selfishly, I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose depression was severe enough to count as a disability. I would, of course, still love DP if he developed depression, but with three DC already, do you need that additional stress?

OP are you working yourself?

@DontCallMeCharlotte I had to quit work back in 2013 when my late DH had a Stroke - we both had good jobs. I hated not being able to work so decided to become a mature student, which is what I'm doing now whilst my youngest is 3.

I worked from when I was 17 and have a very strong work ethic x

I wouldn't go there

Am I sensing the implication that you believe his depression isn't actually preventing him from working?

Honestly, he doesn't sound great so YANBU.

On a slight tangent, some serious thought needs to be applied to granting full leave for depression, as often not working compounds the issue.

You don’t even have a job yourself so surely you shouldn’t be judging? Maybe you do have a “strong work ethic” but your not in work! The man in question has depression which for many can be truly awful, that’s why he isn’t working becuase he struggles with mental health.

As for a man making a contribution to your dc, well that wouldn’t happen until you’d been together some time anyway.

You don’t want a relationship with him and that’s absolutely fine

If someone's depression stopped them from working, then as a LP with young children, I wouldn't want a relationship with them.

What was he doing in the pub every morning, drinking?

Oh right, so there are varying degrees of unemployment I see?

He had MH issues which stop him being able to work, so you judge him, but you are studying with kids so you being unemployed is ok somehow?

It would be a deal breaker for me, you have three young children, and are temporarily unable to work following the death of your husband, and I'm assuming childcare issues, so agree taking the opportunity to further educate yourself to get back in to the workplace. If he's depressed enough to not be able to work long term, I wouldn't want to introduce that kind of emotional instability to DCs after all they've been through recently. I also echo PPs why was he in the pub every morning? That would concern me unless he worked there, which it seems he doesn't

You don’t even have a job yourself so surely you shouldn’t be judging?

I am not under the impression she is judging him for not having a job. It seems more about the lack of willingness to look for one or do anything else, for that matter, i.e. the fact that he is comfortable with the situation as is.

I don't want to judge him either as I don't know the full circumstance but the fact that neither the OP, nor the man in question are employed definitely isn't going to be a good basis of a trouble free relationship. People have many financial troubles even when both parties are working full time. 3 kids with neither half of the couple working is not going to make things easier. Even, in the best of circumstances, it would take people time to adjust to living together and get used to someone else's kids!

Er, yeah, he's not the one for you OP

Sounds like he's living the type of stripped back life that was being discussed on another thread. Good for him. I wouldn't want to be his partner though. Although do you need a partner? You've lost DH, you're studying and raising a young family. I would just enjoy the FWB thing you've got going on.

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

YABU for calling him lazy, mental health is just as important as physical health and to assume depression isn't real or it is just laziness is bang out of order.

As to the question you actually asked, you are perfectly entitled to not want to be with someone for any reason, you don't have to justify it to anyone.

It can be very difficult to have a partner with depression. Personally I wouldn't go there.

As someone who married a man similar situation I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole .

Not because he is unemployed but no plans to change that .

Does he have his own kids ?

YANBU to see anything as a dealbreaker; everyone's limits are their own.

As people have mentioned already, if his depression is challenging enough to constitute a disability, it's possibly not laziness preventing him from working.

You can have relationships or not have them with whoever you like.

I don't care for the implication from some posters that people who have mental health difficulties preventing employment are somehow unfit partners though.

Do you understand that depression is a real illness?

The lack of work ethic would be a deal breaker for me

Have you lost your DH recently? Just that I would be cautious if you are still in early stages of recovery.

53 is not old and I would hope he hasn't given up as could have 30 more years. Does he have any future aspirations/projects? Also does he have children?

A relationship like this could be very draining in the long term, fine for casual but not life partner