Guy who's unemployed...

[Mellodrama]

I've met a guy from down my local pub (I come here occasionally in the mornings to grab a coffee & study). Anyway, we started talking as he asked me one day what I was studying, which led on to us talking about his degree and uni days, etc.

Fast-forward to now - we've been getting together maybe once / twice a week for a drink and a gab and literally can spend hours upon hours just talking - he's really intelligent, which is what I like in a guy.

Anyway, we've had a kinda FWB relationship going on but he wants it to be more.

The thing is (what's stopping me), is he is unemployed and has no desire to return to work (he's 53). He was 'let go' by the Job Centre years ago and now claims disability for recurring Depression.

I'm not being overly materialistic here, rather realistic - he's always 'skint' - I have 3 kids and whilst I wouldn't expect a partner to take on financial burden of that, I'd still expect some kind of contribution.

Also, I find it quite lazy that he's not prepared to look for work and seems comfortable to live the way he does right now.

AIBU in using this as a deal-breaker?  Please don't shoot me down guys 

If it doesn’t feel right to you, it’s not right for you , simple. No big moral dilemma, you don’t have to have this relationship.

If you think it’s going to irritate you now, think of what you’d feel
Like in 5 years.

YANBU, he sounds like good company but I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole for a relationship, the lack of a work ethic would annoy me too much.

There are two options

His depression is so bad its stopping him working, which means its having a MASAIVE impart on his entire life . Do you want to get with someone so ill? Right at the start of your relationship? When you have your own existing caring responsibilities?

Or it isn't that bad, and he is work shy.

Neither options are great.

"The lack of work ethic would be a deal breaker for me".

Whilst I agreed he isn't a right fit for the OP, describing him as not having a work ethic is insulting to anyone too disabled to work.

I have a strong work ethic, but I have been unable to work for two years.

Part of my Counselling, as does anyone's who is disabled, has been around acceptance.

Everyone spouts the right rhetoric about disabled people, but when it comes to it, posters are very anti-disabled and show a huge lack of understanding.

If the Genders were switched and it was a physical disability, some of these statements wouldn't have been made.

I could also imagine the answers if a male poster came on and said that a Woman with MH issues was good enough to shag, but nothing more.

I think it’s okay to still expect someone to have a work ethic or want to change their situation, even if they have depression.

My brother has had terrible mental health issues, depression, psychosis, schizophrenia, but he pulled through and still wants to do something with his life.

Where do you see the relationship going? 3 kids is a lot of responsibility and you do not want to end up supporting this man financially.

Part of my Counselling, as does anyone's who is disabled, has been around acceptance

This thread demonstrates how difficult that acceptance can be, when the rest of society brands you as work shy or an unattractive partner (but good enough to sleep with).

Even his approach to his relationships shows a complete lack of effort - he's in the pub and there you are...

I wouldn't have shagged him, much less started a relationship with him. No.

You can't get benefits for depression that's so mild you can go to the pub and hold a conversation.

Those with all levels of mental illness are encouraged to get out and socialise. A coffee in a quiet pub is therapeutic. You're not suggesting those on benefits should stay home all the time, are you?

You've got a bit of a cheek calling him lazy when you don't work either. Pot calling the kettle black

A man in his early 50s with a history of MH issues would struggle to find a job that wasn't minimum wage shitwork, and why should he take on such a job, anyway? Sometimes the person who refused to take on a badly-paid, pointless job they are over-qualified for is demonstrating a lot more self-respect than the people who allow themselves to be overworked and underpaid in employment which benefits no one, just because there is this wierd fetishisation of waged work, no matter how pointless it actually is.

You don't need a reason that could be upheld in the court of 'Should I date him'. Just keep it casual; no need for the angst.

Well for starters, any reason is good enough to not move a man into your children’s home if you don’t want to. You don’t owe the shit off your shoe.

But I don’t think YABU. If he’d been off work for six months, and getting dressed to go out for a morning coffee was part of an occy therapy plan to help him back on his feet- then that’d be one thing.

But it doesn’t sound like he’s trying to get himself out of the hole. He sounds quite happy to sit in it, tbh. I don’t think he’ll make an equal life partner.

Yes, depression is a mental illness. Yes, depression can vary in terms of severity and can fluctuate.
However, it is interesting this man has the energy/inclination to go to the pub and be sociable several times a week in spite of his depression.
I wonder if he can channel this into part-time work. At 53 and off work for so many years, he is likely stuck in a massive rut.

Anyway, OP, this is not your problem and a fully suggest you not take it on. Keep as FWB at most.

Varmints did you not read the thread? Her husband passed away, she is studying and taking care of three children!

Birdsgottafly
I agree with your posts. Physical and mental disability is seen vey differently.

You have 3 dependant children and are recently bereaved. I don’t think you should be getting involved with someone needy. You are probably in need too and your focus is to be strong not only for yourself but for your children.

I’d be upfront with him and say FWB is all you have time for atm. I think it would be kinder to him perhaps to be FWITHOUTB tbh.

I could also imagine the answers if a male poster came on and said that a Woman with MH issues was good enough to shag, but nothing more

I've done a lot of internet dating in my time and, without exception, every man I've talked to/met has said they wouldn't date a woman who didn't work. Men don't expect women to be unemployed these days either.

OP I don't think you're being a hypocrite because it sounds to me like you fully intend to work when you have finished studying, and that your study is for work. It would be a deal breaker for me. Absolutely. I would have no desire to get involved with a man who couldn't contribute financially.

What’s a FWB?

Ditch the loser.

Yanbu. It’s not that he’s unemployed, but the lack of any sort of work ethic which would totally turn me off.

But, could it be the depression making him say that? I hope that isn’t insulting to people with depression. I know many sufferers are able to work. My mum was one of them!

But just wondering if maybe when he’s well he does feel more able to seek work.

I still wouldn’t blame you for not wanting a relationship with him though. You don’t owe anyone a relationship and if it isn’t what you want then absolutely do not go there.

YNBU your a lone parent, someone who is only a financial burden but also has Long term MH issues takes a lot of time,work and is emotionally draining. He might not be a bad guy but you need to to think of your kids and your own workload. You seem a busy person I’m sure you will find someone to love and support you x

I think you need to listen to your gut, here, and it doesn't make you disablist or a hypocrite or whatever. Just that your outlook and life plans are not compatible. I have suffered with depression; I know only too well that it's a real illness. I also know that if I was well enough to go to the pub several times a week and chat to strangers, then I would be well enough to work in some sort of capacity.