Guy who's unemployed...

[Mellodrama]

I've met a guy from down my local pub (I come here occasionally in the mornings to grab a coffee & study). Anyway, we started talking as he asked me one day what I was studying, which led on to us talking about his degree and uni days, etc.

Fast-forward to now - we've been getting together maybe once / twice a week for a drink and a gab and literally can spend hours upon hours just talking - he's really intelligent, which is what I like in a guy.

Anyway, we've had a kinda FWB relationship going on but he wants it to be more.

The thing is (what's stopping me), is he is unemployed and has no desire to return to work (he's 53). He was 'let go' by the Job Centre years ago and now claims disability for recurring Depression.

I'm not being overly materialistic here, rather realistic - he's always 'skint' - I have 3 kids and whilst I wouldn't expect a partner to take on financial burden of that, I'd still expect some kind of contribution.

Also, I find it quite lazy that he's not prepared to look for work and seems comfortable to live the way he does right now.

AIBU in using this as a deal-breaker?  Please don't shoot me down guys 

You can't get benefits for depression that's so mild you can go to the pub and hold a conversation

The OP doesn't seem to have known him for very long. You're getting a brief snapshot of his life. I've had depression with suicidal ideation that meant emergency health appointments but there were times when I could have done something non-threatening and non-challenging like going for a coffee in a pub. You don't know that his depression is mild, or that it's always at the level it's at the moment.

OP, it's not easy studying and being a mum of 3 on your own so ignore the people judging you for not having a job.

It's clear you are not judging him for not having a job as otherwise you would have stopped meeting up with him ages ago.

I think you need to ask yourself what he would add or take way from your life.

If he moved in, would you be entitled to fewer benefits? Would you have to pay increased council tax?

When you got back into work would you find yourself supporting him as well?

Asking yourself these questions is not 'judging' him, it's just trying to find out how he would fit in with your life.

And it's no crime to want a working partner. Just because someone is depressed or disabled you don't owe them your love.

YANBU OP.

Sounds nice OP as is. If it's not suitable for you to move forward then tell him.

Do they "let go" people at the job centre, I thought it was nigh impossible to get that these days.

YANBU for not wanting to date someone for any reason.

But if a LTR is what you’re after, I’d stop being FWB with this blokes. Give each of you the chance to find someone else.

I've done a lot of internet dating in my time and, without exception, every man I've talked to/met has said they wouldn't date a woman who didn't work. Men don't expect women to be unemployed these days either.

And yet, when a bloke came on recently saying he was tired of carrying a partner who had never worked and her adult DC (who was not his), a fair few of the comments talked about how difficult it was for the woman (through her entirely voluntary choice not to enter the job market) and along the lines of 'You can't spend it all on yourself, why wouldn't you make someone else's life easier'.

Could it be that modern men have higher expectations of women than some women do?

(Tbf, most of the comments were more sympathetic to the bloke who was being fanny-lodged.)

If he moves in with you then his benefits will be reassessed and you could well end up totally supporting him financially. Obviously you don't want that.
Theres more in it for him than you by moving things along.
If you like him then you can continue to be his friend and have a casual thing going with him.You can still look around for someone else and go on dates you owe him nothing.

You don't have to marry the guy - could you not just have a bit of casual fun with him ?

Oh sorry - i see you already addressed this in your OP. Yes - I would be wary if I were you too.

Imagine introducing him to your family and friends. This is my boyfriend...no he doesn't work....he's depressed!! Yes, because what everyone else thinks is more important than your happiness.

Gosh this is difficult. I think you have the right to not have a relationship with whoever you like for whatever reason.

Do I think you are being disablist? Possibly, though purely because if the guy was in a wheelchair and had an obvious disability would you feel the same way towards him? Having said that I can see how it 'looks' from the outside, like he has no aspirations. However the truth is that contrary to the belief that people with depression get better with the 'right' kind of antidepressant/CBT/talking therapy or simply will power, a scarily high proportion of depression is treatment resistant and nothing helps. I imagine at 50 whatever he is that he has had to accept that and that could come across as having no aspirations or 'work ethic'.

I have severe mental health problems which will likely never improve. I manage an evening class once a week but need at least a month to recover at the end of term. The only other contact I have with the outside world is with my therapist three times a week. I don't want to make friends particularly as I know (and have been proven right by some of the attitudes on this thread) how I would be judged, particularly as I can have times when I appear quite lucid. However, would I make a good enough parther, mother etc? No. I am just too ill and feel it would be unfair on the other person. I have had to make peace (an ongoing struggle) with the fact my life is going to be a very isolated lonely one. One consultant told me that for me it was about improving quality of life. Which is hard when people judge you for not working which can lead to more isolation.

Perhaps people would judge me for having no aspirations but I maintain much better mental health when I accept what I can and can't do and don't try and live up to other's expectations.

In short feel free to date/not date who you want but try and have a little more humility in the face of things you may not understand as we don't know what people have had to contend with in their lives.

What sort of “work ethic” is this bloke supposed to have when he’s been judged as too sick to work? Severe depression isn’t known for instilling a go-getting, positive attitude in its sufferers, is it?

When I was signed off work with stress (anxiety+workplace bullying+doing two people’s jobs = brain-melty times), toddling the five minutes to my local to drink a couple pints in the sun with a book or play cards with my sister felt so temporarily wonderful I would tear up.

Staying in bed for days or obsessively cleaning isn’t good for your mental state at all.

Imagine introducing him to your family and friends. This is my boyfriend...no he doesn't work....he's depressed!!

Christ. Why on earth would those be his two defining characteristics? I've never introduced a partner as "this is John, he's a lawyer". They're partners, not trophies. Jesus wept. Do people have to be so judgemental, shallow and lacking in empathy?

I sympathise with his situation and I don't actually have any problem with someone choosing not to work for any reason really, but that doesn't mean I'd want to be in a relationship with that person. Especially with young kids! It's not conducive to an easy life, which is what I want.

Why are people saying the OP is unemployed? She's a mature student with small DC.

Why are people saying the OP is unemployed? She's a mature student with small DC.

Because she is. Being a student is not employment.

What Gabilan said. And I speak as someone with enduring mental health problems who's been fortunate enough to be able to access supportive employment.

The responses would be different if this was a man posting this about a woman, so no, I won't FO!

You can have empathy but you don't owe anyone a relationship.

Actually students aren't counted in the unemployment figures. Technically they are not unemployed.

Bombardier25966
Your comment doesn't relate to what I said, so IDK why you saw benefits bashing in it or quoted me.
Its not easy to get signed off sick long term with depression, I'd be very surprised if this man has told OP the absolute truth.

Personally, I'd google him in case he has a conviction.

Potential cocklodger.

Walk away...