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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guy who's unemployed...

124 replies

Mellodrama · 06/11/2018 12:34

I've met a guy from down my local pub (I come here occasionally in the mornings to grab a coffee & study). Anyway, we started talking as he asked me one day what I was studying, which led on to us talking about his degree and uni days, etc.

Fast-forward to now - we've been getting together maybe once / twice a week for a drink and a gab and literally can spend hours upon hours just talking - he's really intelligent, which is what I like in a guy.

Anyway, we've had a kinda FWB relationship going on but he wants it to be more.

The thing is (what's stopping me), is he is unemployed and has no desire to return to work (he's 53). He was 'let go' by the Job Centre years ago and now claims disability for recurring Depression.

I'm not being overly materialistic here, rather realistic - he's always 'skint' - I have 3 kids and whilst I wouldn't expect a partner to take on financial burden of that, I'd still expect some kind of contribution.

Also, I find it quite lazy that he's not prepared to look for work and seems comfortable to live the way he does right now.

AIBU in using this as a deal-breaker?  Please don't shoot me down guys 

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 06/11/2018 16:21

Good to see mental health stigma is still alive and kicking. Goody!!! I'd wondered if we'd all become snowflakes at the very notion that depression was actually a serious illness and not just an excuse for someone to piss about on a jolly. Where can I get a diagnosis! I have a report due for work this Friday and frankly I don't want to get out of bed.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2018 16:26

Exactly. These posts simply wouldn't be happening if the man had a physical condition.

TacoLover · 06/11/2018 16:33

So good to see that his depression doesn't stop him from spending time in the pub, chatting to people, striking up relationships etc

...

How stupid can people get? Does depression mean that you have to stay inside your house and not have relationships with anyone? How dare he have the audacity to chat to peopleHmm

ProfessorMoody · 06/11/2018 16:40

What the actual fuck am I reading?!

So the fella is mentally ill, so much so that he's been awarded disability benefits which believe me is no mean feat, and he's STILL being called a loser, a cocklodger, lazy and having a poor work ethic??

Can you ableist fuckers not hear yourselves? Fuck! It's no WONDER people with mental illnesses are suicidal when people ACTUALLY think shit like this! If he had cancer or MND, would you all be calling him a lazy loser?

@MNHQ you've been good with ableism recently. Can you take a look at this please?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 06/11/2018 16:41

It's not stigma though, to suggest that if his mental health is too poor for him to even consider work, and he's always skint, then he may not be the best person to be an equal partner in the life of an OP with three kids and financial commitments.

ltk · 06/11/2018 16:42

You don't need a reason to not want more. You just don't. But is thinking about a potential partner's financial contribution to your home a worthwhile endeavour? Yeah, of course. Romance can go south pretty fast when you are struggling to make rent and pay bills, and you feel that a partner is not helping. You are trying to improve your job prospects/career options at the moment, so being with someone who is not in work - for whatever reason - is unlikely to appeal.

ProfessorMoody · 06/11/2018 16:46

The OP doesn't have to have a relationship with him. That's up to her. But all the disgusting comments are wrong.

Especially the one about him not being able to get benefits for depression so mild he can go to the pub, so he must be fraudulently claiming. What the actual fuck?

Am I not allowed out then, because I can visit a pub in my wheelchair? Should I never leave the house? If my anxiety is bad and I need some fresh air and a chat with a supportive mate, am I claiming benefits fraudulently? Vile.

Returnofthesmileybar · 06/11/2018 16:51

No way, he has cocklodger written all over him. But you also need to fair and stop the FWB as it's unfair to lead him on if he wants more

Starlight345 · 06/11/2018 16:53

It isn’t about not associating with anyone with depression.

Op is a Lp to 3 children. a mature student take on with a mh so severe he is unable to work.

My opinion would not change if this is about a woman . It isn’t about someone who has been well that you support for better or worse.

I have done it , it’s emotionally draining . She needs her emotional energy for her children .

VladmirsPoutine · 06/11/2018 17:25

That's the point though! I would frankly run like the speed of light away from this man if I were the OP. Having both suffered from depression and in a relationship with someone who has experienced it I know it is no mean feat. Add to that 3 dependant children and also the fact that the OP is a student then this relationship has catastrophe written all over it. I have already said that the choice to not date someone does not require rhyme or reason - it's simply enough to just think... "Nah, not for me" and move on.

But all the cocklodging rhetoric and the snide 'well he's well enough to be at the pub' etc etc is what I am referring to.

ProfessorMoody · 06/11/2018 17:37

No one is saying she shouldn't leave him. That's a separate issue.

The ableist comments are what people are complaining about.

Gabilan · 06/11/2018 17:40

The OP doesn't have to have a relationship with him. That's up to her. But all the disgusting comments are wrong.

This. If someone doesn't want a relationship with me because of my depression, that's fine. Same as they might not like my sense of humour, or financial status or just the way I look. But to call him a cocklodger, accuse him of benefit fraud and exclaim "oh my god, imagine how dreadful it would be to introduce him to your friends" all of that is just gobsmackingly awful.

You can decide not to get into a relationship with someone for whatever reason. But some of the comments on here are very, very wrong.

ilovesooty · 06/11/2018 17:56

Don't forget the suggestion that he's a criminal.

Isleepinahedgefund · 06/11/2018 20:21

I think if you enter into a relationship, you need to be willing to accept them for who they are and where they are in life. You set what you will and won't accept, and you're entitled to do that. But you can't "take him on" and then be resentful of what you knew to be the situation up front. He doesn't deserve that.

puppymouse · 07/11/2018 06:52

I would find this pretty unattractive tbh

SummerStrong · 07/11/2018 06:55

This would put me off a relationship with someone.

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/11/2018 07:21

If you're judging him as lazy and using depression as an excuse to get out of working, you could equally be judged for using being an eternal student as an excuse to get out of work. The end result is the same in that neither of you are earners and neither of you have earned for years. I don't know why you'd judge yourself to be a bigger catch than him, I'd be wary of having either of you as a partner.

Original poster
Mellodrama · 07/11/2018 18:03

Only just returned to read the replies. Thanks for all of your opinions.

He is not severely depressed - he did admit to 'laying it on' a little for his PIP assessment  I wasn't labelling him lazy or work-shy due to his depression - I was stating that he has shown very little desire to return to work, even if he gets to a better place emotionally - we have discussed this.

Googled already (I'm almost as good as the FBI at finding things out!)  But... one of the barmaids in said pub did explain to me yesterday, that although he IS a nice guy, she has had to ask him to leave occasionally as he can be a 'nasty drunk' 

I told him today that I still stand by my choice of not wanting a relationship and there would no longer be any point of trying the whole FWB as he can't even sustain an erection 

I think just possibly conversationalist friends will be the way forward for us 

OP posts:
Original poster
Mellodrama · 07/11/2018 18:04

@harshbuttrue1980 Wow, good choice of name there 

Difference is - I'm ambitious - he is not - read my update 

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 07/11/2018 18:23

I had a relationship with a man who was in a similar situation, except I don’t think he actually was putting it on for the assessments. I’m quite ambitious and I also have an enduring mental health condition which I manage well. It wasn’t the fact that he was “on the sick” that was the issue between us, it was that he had no ambition to try and improve his mental health and therefore be able to better his situation. He refused to seek help, tried to lean heavily on me and stated he had no intention of even trying to get a job ever. He would have lost all his benefits if we had moved in together, and four months in he was wanting to know how much I earned and letting me know how much I would need to give him as “pocket money”. He also mentioned how great it would be not to have to pay the bills anymore.

Racecardriver · 07/11/2018 18:25

I think his lack of employment is a reflection on his character. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone like that either.

Original poster
Mellodrama · 07/11/2018 18:26

@Isleepinahedgefund Wow, that is absolute hard-faced ess! (I think I've just made up that word?!)

I asked him if he wanted to come the gym with me, as I know that helps me immensely with my own MH - he said no 

I borrowed him £40 yesterday and feel this would be a regular thing if I were to open up my life even more to him 

OP posts:
Vitalogy · 07/11/2018 18:38

Now you've said about him taking money from you, nah. Did he ask you for it? Or if not ask, hint?

chirpyburbycheapsheep · 07/11/2018 18:39

Disregarding the OP's major latest dripfeed about him 'laying it on thick for the assessment', I happened to mention some of the replies to my NHS therapist today who was utterly shocked at the attitudes on this thread. Her words were that there are sadly many ignorant and unthinking people out there.

So at least I can console myself that those declaring this man as lazy and having no work ethic are ignorant cunts.

As for the 'would you like to come down the gym as I've heard that helps mental health' well, that's the equivalent of having an autoimmune disease and everyone declaring they have the 'answer' to your problems. Perhaps he has tried everything he can, perhaps he has accepted his situation, perhaps he really is a malingerer, who fucking knows, but at least a lot of people who will never truly know his circumstances got to feel superior at their control over their own mental health for a short while.

It's threads like this that make me hope many of the posters get run over and permanently disabled by a bus just so they can test their own mental superiority over others.

Vitalogy · 07/11/2018 18:40

I'm trying to think of the right word, I'm not sure if it's pride I'm thinking of but either way, his sounds off re the money.

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