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Original poster

Does anyone else cringe when people talk about having their own little family now

138 replies

StephfromMarketing · 05/11/2018 15:40

Which is far more important than the family they or their DH have had since birth.

It's such a mean spirited little phrase "don't bother about them, you've got your own little family now"

It comes up over and over again on MN over Christmas "we want to start our own traditions with our own little family."

Fortunately, I never hear it in real life.

OP posts:
Original poster
StephfromMarketing · 05/11/2018 17:38

It's fine to want to spend part of Xmas in your own home. We live a long way - in separate directions - from my family and ILs. Unless one of them was ill or alone, I have no intention of spending Xmas Eve (my favourite day of the year) anywhere other than in our house. However, I manage to convey this intention without using the phrase "my little family". And I don't post photos of them on Facebook with #my world #myeverything either.

OP posts:
lifeontheotherside · 05/11/2018 17:41

I don't use it but my sil has done. On one hand I do agree that once a man is married or has a child then his main loyalty or priority should be to his wife and child but its sad when women do try to seperate a man from his own birth family. An aunt did this to my mums brother because his family were of a lower class and a workmate did it to her husband because he was from a catholic family.

Family dymanics are odd. I am very fond of my MIL and like her company but I've seen her try to close ranks and get my husband to close ranks with her against me if I've somehow ruffled her feathers. Mostly she is lovely to me but I know in her mind and in my SIL's mind that I'm not really family my son is but not me, even her husband isn't really "family" in the way that her children, dgc and siblings are family. I just ignore it when she tries to pull rank!

Iliveinazoo · 05/11/2018 17:42

You're also making the huge assumption that all of these extended families are just nice pleasant ordinary people.

I've had to tell someone that I've got my own family to think of now, because they repeatedly asked for things that I couldn't give, mainly money.

I'm one of those people who likes to spend Xmas in my own home, I have accepted invitations on a couple of occasions to try to be fair, but really my children just want to be home playing with their toys.

blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 17:47

Excluding step kids is definitely wrong.

I think the wording is twee, but understand the sentiment of wanting to break free from being torn in two/ three/ four and squabbled over in terms of who to spend birthdays and christmases with. Some adults have 4 sets of parents between them, with divorced and remarried parents, and especially once the next generation of children come along there is so much baggage and expectation around scrabbling about humouring everyone, for some people, that it can be pretty much self defense to trot out the little family (meaning nuclear family) line rather than constantly juggling people, inevitably still offending some, being committed to a rota and ridiculous travel at tricky times of year etc. Some families squabble over hosting grandchildrens' birthdays, not just Christmas and are very possessive.

I haven't replicated my parents' Christmas traditions as they revolved around church going and I'm an atheist.

Iliveinazoo · 05/11/2018 17:47

Family dynamics are tricky, I mean I can think of an example where a set of in laws were expecting their son to use all of his annual leave running around doing errands for them, diy, lifts to the airport, lifts to and from nights out, fixing their car, they weren't elderly or disabled, they'd just got used to their son doing all these things for them and couldn't see why that should change once he was married and had his own children.

I think the phrase you have your own family now, was justified.

ratherbeshowjumping · 05/11/2018 17:51

I hate the phrase but do agree with the message, to a point. I'm currently pregnant with mine and DH's first - I absolutely can't wait to spend Christmas putting our STBDC as our priority as opposed to ILs.
I certainly won't be tolerating any of the crap I have done in previous years with them when we have our baby, and I know DH won't feel guilty for not adhering to MILs guilt trips as we will have our own family to focus on.

TurkeyBear · 05/11/2018 18:02

By little they just mean 'young' op. Sorry if yours are all old and that offends you.

Seafoodeatit · 05/11/2018 18:10

I don't like twee phrases but I don't think there's anything wrong with celebrating Christmas differently when you have children or are a family unit.

When we were kids both DH or I rarely went away for christmas, we always celebrated it in our own home, nothing odd about wanting the kids to wake up in their own beds. Most of our traditions are from his side of the family and extended family would be more than welcome to come and stay/visit. His parents don't like to travel away from home for Christmas and mine have come a few times but this year are staying home as they want to celebrate a Christmas at my DSIS house now that she's married. As it's 3 hours drive for our family we drive down the week after Christmas to see our relatives. Nobody should have to do anything they don't want to because they feel obliged or pressured.

blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 18:18

From a personal perspective it took me until I was in my late 30s with 3 kids to twig that both DH's and my mother expected mother's Day to be their day and always had i.e. when we were children it had been about them as mothers of the small children, not their mothers. Yet as grandmothers mothers day remained about them and didn't pass generation. My mother would expect my sister's to dance attendance on her all day including cooking a special meal for her in her house despite bring mothers themselves and not living with her... I selfishly moved away with my little family.

I've never actually used the phrases but I understand not wanting to live under a self styled matriarch as well as not wanting to spend all high days and holidays frazzled and torn between obligations to competing extended family.

Menolly · 05/11/2018 18:24

I have to confess that I am guilty of talking about our own traditions with my own little family, my little family includes FIL though, just not my parents and siblings.

I had an extremely abusive childhood, my parents are well known pillars of their local community and no one ever believed me, I generally only talk about the happy memories in rl. I talk about my little family and our traditions because in general over lunch at work type conversation I don't want to go into why I won't be seeing my family or what I did as a child, its a phrase that everyone understands and no one really questions.

Firesuit · 05/11/2018 18:33

'Little' family is in contrast to 'extended' family.

I would be perfectly happy if people said "immediate family" or "our household" or some other expression to denote who they live with.

It really is the "little" that's the problem, makes the speaker sound like a child playing at being an adult.

Original poster
StephfromMarketing · 05/11/2018 18:36

By little they just mean 'young' op. Sorry if yours are all old and that offends you

Hmm Yes, I am offended at the ageism directed towards my elderly fourteen year old.
OP posts:
MsHopey · 05/11/2018 18:39

I think some people might be reading too much into it and maybe projecting a little bit. Talking about someones "little family" doesn't not automatically mean it's wives who hate their MIL and are stealing sons away.
To me my little family is who live in my house, my big family would involve mothers, grandmothers, uncles . . .
Tbf we don't always have good relationships with all our family members and I've never tried to push family out of our family (if anything I spend too much time accommodating other people and forgetting about what I actually want).
I can't get worked up about things that don't particularly affect me tbh.
Each to their own I suppose.

blueskiesandforests · 05/11/2018 18:39

Grin well there is plenty of agism directed against teens - so many people prefer a cute newborn Steph

However "little" in little family doesn't mean young, it means nuclear surely? Nuclear family as contrasted with extended family.

helacells · 05/11/2018 18:41

Ugh. I generally find the British attitude towards families strange anyway. Most cultures embrace a large extended family warts and all but here it seems that is frowned upon. Which is why many are so devastated when DH walks out on them and they realize they've alienated their family.

Iliveinazoo · 05/11/2018 18:45

Steph again it's open to interpretation.

To me young family would include teens

PunkrockerGirl59 · 05/11/2018 18:53

YANBU
It's often used on here as an excuse to prohibit visitors (including family of origin) from seeing one's newborn baby until they are at least in their teens Confused
"You've got your own little family now hun, your parents and inlaws can jolly well wait to greet the new arrival".
until such time as babysitting or help with household chores is required presumably

KC225 · 05/11/2018 18:56

It's just phrase. But the reality behind it, is the expectations that grown adults with small children are expected to sleep down motorways pregnant and with toddlers because they are still treated like children. Some families having been having histrionics and tantrums since August. Notice this is never said to ANYONE who wants that particular kind of Christmas.

HubrisComicGhoul · 05/11/2018 18:57

My step-mother told me, when I was 19 that I wasn't invited for Christmas day, because she and my dad had decided that it would just be their "little family". So just her kids basically.

A quick (somewhat upset) conversation with my dad established that he assumed that she would include me in that wording. However, my relationship with her was ruined by that one phrase, so yes, it does rub me up the wrong way.

Just to add, my mum stopped talking to me when I was 14 and I lost my last grandparent in the July before that Christmas, so it wasn't like I had any other family to spend the day with.

ManonBlackbeak · 05/11/2018 19:09

What's all this about 'stealing' men from their birth families? It's almost like some mothers can't stand to see their precious little soldiers grow up and and be replaced as the most important woman in their son's lives. Sorry, but if you have that attitude then you are toxic and it's no wonder your sons and daughters in law don't want to be around you.

My DM is a bit like this, last year when DB announced he was spending Xmas day with his partners family you could have sworn he'd died or something and she spent the whole day bemoaning how quiet it was without him. This year he is spending it with us again, but as far as I'm aware his in laws haven't chucked their toys from the pram or acted bereft at the news.

Antigon · 05/11/2018 19:14

YANBU it is cringe worthy. Except, as mentioned, when the person has a crappy family or is the black sheep in their family. They they can say 'my own little family' as many times as they want!

Rixera · 05/11/2018 19:21

I use that wording. I love the wording.

I love that I have my own family, that I made and chose. I am not One Of The Family, my father's weird, abusive, possessive clan. I am not one of my partner's weird, aggressive, blame-heavy family. I made my own, tiny, wonderful little family of 3. I can't be lost in the FOG any more, my own little family operates on its own terms.

Pickupthephone · 05/11/2018 19:27

It’s twee and cutesy and smug and gross.

My step-mother told me, when I was 19 that I wasn't invited for Christmas day, because she and my dad had decided that it would just be their "little family". So just her kids basically.

This is a particularly foul - but also typical - use of it.

continuallychargingmyphone · 05/11/2018 19:33

rixera

And if you hadn’t met anybody you would still be OK on your own.

Creating a new family doesn’t make you somehow superior Hmm

FabulousTomatoes · 05/11/2018 19:35

Yeah naff AF.
Passive aggressive too.