to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm sort of your friend, early 50's, no young children around anymore, stopped working due to chronic illness but my husband earns a good enough salary for me to basically stay home and do what I want. And I'm fine with that, I have no ambition with a career now, my husband does of sorts, he works because he enjoys his job.
We have bought quite a bit of 'stuff' recently but it's stuff to make our lives simpler and more comfortable as we edge towards our older years.

In short I just got fed up with the merry go round of life of achieving certain goals, I wanted to feel enjoyment daily. However if it weren't for my husband earning what he does and I still had young children, I wouldn't be doing it.

I think it's easier to live a simple life once children come along - more time spent doing very basic things (a walk in the woods can be such an adventure for a toddler!) taught me to refocus my priorities and look at areas I could cut back on.

Sushi- what a horribly patronising post. I had people with kids say similar to me before DC and all the time I was struggling with infertility, worried sick each month, and anticipating the cost, the physical effects, the strain on relationships. And yet I was told I didn't have "responsibilities" and "mental loads". You can't judge others' lives as simply as those with kids vs those without.

Hmm, I remember meeting a good friend for lunch in John Lewis. She was working full time in a very demanding job, I was at home with the kids. And after we'd eaten she spent ages in the dining department choosing chargers to put under her plates for her posh Christmas dinner at 20 pounds each, because she likes to have everything looking amazing.

I remember thinking, "160 pounds, is this what you are working so hard for? I want no part of this."

My friend always makes polite vaguely envious noises about the simplicity of my life, but in actual fact, she has no serious intention of paring down. She is quite goal and reward driven.

Sushi there is a thread on here called 'Things you should never say in front of childless women'. I suggest you read it. It might open your mind and give you a more realistic idea of the 'mental loads' that many childless individuals and couples are carting through life.

Exactly @justfloatingpast - the sheer ignorance of it!

I would love to see if Sushimonster will come back and apologies for her ignorant and ill thought out comment.

Tinkly but (presumably) your friend buys more than just charger plates with her hard-earned money? Maybe she also puts towards savings, pension, investments so she can rest more comfortably in her future or retire earlier or have nicer holidays and experiences when she retires? Or not have to worry about heating and food bills when she's elderly? Not all demanding jobs are just to pay for charger plates at £20 a pop.

I understand that you wouldn't want to do her demanding job in return for charger plates and that's fine. But there's nothing wrong with wanting Christmas dinner table to look amazing if that's what floats your boat. Nothing wrong with doing nothing different to everyday for the Christmas dinner table either. We're all different

I just had to google charger plates.

WTF

I am cynical enough to wonder how happy the husband is being the breadwinner to support the nice holidays and things lifestyle.

I was walking to the shop today around lunchtime, and some random workman whom I don't know from Adam said "you ladies have it so easy, you don't know how lucky you are". WTF. I couldn't be bothered to tell him that the reason I was apparently free as a bird in the middle of the day isn't because I can't be bothered to work, but because I can't work because I am caring for my husband who has terminal cancer. Everyone has their own issues and priorities, and other people shouldn't judge. Here endeth the lesson!

Sunday I'm sure she has an excellent pension, she has a very demanding and well paid job. She is someone who is always busy though, quite competitive and quite time poor.

Personally I am happy to do without stuff like charger plates and use my money to retire early. I do get that everyone is different.

I also had to google charger plate, it put me in mind of batteries. Wilko do some nice silver ones for a pound each with 5 star reviews

I just put our plates directly on the table. Always seems to work pretty well.

They sell charger plates in B&M and Home Bargains, really cheap.
certainly wouldn't let somebody have my precious time to buy expensive ones.
You can't take charger plates with you when you go.

Can only say from experience, that in your 20s one will chase careers , material things etc. After a certain age , they cut back on life as they realise it's not the be all and end all. Without going into too much detail, I live a life like your friends and I still live a fairly comfortable life and do the things I love to do regularly. Some people have warmed to me, while some people have distanced themselves from me. It's the one who have careers , high rent and children who have distanced themselves from me somewhat. I'm happy with my circle of friends anyway.

From reading your post I feel as if this visit to your friend has really had an impact on you. Sometimes things are not always as they seem, although in this case and from certain comments you made it may well be that your friend has a really good work/life balance. A few things I would say the first would be more communication with your DH, as they say “it’s good to talk”. Who knows, he may be burying himself in his laptop because you are watching crap on the TV but he still wants to be in the same room as you. Do you want to make lifestyle changes? If you had a few memorable “quality” events rather than “quantity” that can make such a difference, so you remember an evening where you just laughed and laughed and it stays as a great memory, or invite friends over for a fun cooking evening so that you get to eat some wonderful food and hopefully some of them will return the favour.
Undoubtedly income has a lot to do with this, but could you change where you work, could DH change where he works so you can consider buying or renting a property elsewhere with perhaps a garden or closer access to nature if this is something that you yearn for (and who doesn’t)?
Talk with your DH, you may be surprised, he may be feeling exactly the same way!
I do agree with so many valuable comments from MN on this including roundbottomflask and Treacletoots

Bloody hell Ihatebreakfast, how did you not smack him?

Life is too short to live in a city

Las but charger plates are the same as placemats which are not a new invention at all. My grandma had linen ones (probably Victorian, from her parents). Also things like antimacassars and eiderdowns. If these were invented now they'd be seen as over the top and fancy, but they were used generally (i.e. not just by the rich). Charger plates are only the new decorative version of that, not a new invention in themselves.

OP Lots of comments have focussed on your friends specific lifestyle but you seem very grounded and realise that that is not exactly what t is about.
You are in your 40s, your son has presumably started school and suddenly a visit to your contented friend has made you reassess where your life is at and what you want from the future. That's a good thing, even if you decide to stay on the treadmill at least for now. I think it's a stage many people go through.
I would sit down with your DH and consider where you want to be n say 2, 5 and 10 years time and what changes you might need to make to achieve that. Do some financial planning. Do you need to alter your spending habits now in order to change down a gear in the future.
Do you prefer living in the city but at a slower pace? I often think burned out city dwellers have a strange idea of country life.
In other words what are the priorities for you and your family? Are you and DH aligned?
As PP have said, there are probably quite a lot of small changes you could make that would have a positive effect.You don't necessarily have to chuck it all in and make a massive change which you may regret.

helacells some people would say that life is too short to live in the country miles away from theatres, art galleries, amazing restaurants, a huge and varied social life if you want it.....each to their own. I’d be bored out of my tree in the countryside.

Las but charger plates are the same as placemats which are not a new invention at all

Hmmmm.. Okay... So when people use charger plates, they don't use place mats?

The discrepancy between lifestyles is children. They suck the life out of you when young...I have three.

Is it only me who loves my brand new car and long haul holidays? Materialistic cow.

Yes I agree with mateysmum I did a course once that cautioned against making decisions on the basis of problem solving because it tends to mean lurching from one extreme to another rather than focussing on the balance you actually want to achieve

I prefer a happy medium. I work quite long hours and have a commute I won’t miss on my deathbed. At the weekend we do things we enjoy and which give us energy. For me that is not buying charger plates, but for other people it might be. I also like to bake and prune my roses but I would go potty if I was doing it all the time.

Not many people can live off their hobby. I think working hard and earning a lot of money can often be dismissed by fulltime rose-pruner-people as aiming for the latest hand bag or charger plates. Easy to forget that financial worries and stresses are the biggest stresses of all.