to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Jessie because I am the model of virtue, tolerance and restraint. No, actually, because CBA!

@lifeontheotherside thanks for starting this thread, it's a topic I find fascinating and reading through the replies has been really eye opening.

I live a similar (ish) life to your friend. I work for myself, though it's mostly FT hours and I do contribute 50/50 financially (not that I think there is anything remotely wrong with their set-up).

We tried living in a big city and working long hours at jobs that made us proud to mention at cocktail parties. But inside we were exhausted and miserable, with no time for ourselves.

So we moved to the coast and honestly haven't looked back. Because property is cheaper, we've been able to buy a house we've started renovating and could feasibly live in forever. We're both so much happier. I feel like we have time to breathe now.

When we visit friends who have progressed along the road we started out on, I honestly find it jarring to hear them talk about their huge salaries and designer shoes and working 60 hour weeks. It just doesn't appeal to me in the slightest anymore.

Like several posters have said, it might be a good idea to have a long think about what kind of lifestyle you really want and chat it all through with your partner. If you decide you do want to move/lessen work hours/spend more time together, you can make a plan together on how to get there.

All the best with whatever you do next!

Envy is a waste of time and energy. Make whatever changes you want to your own life and take it from there x

I was a secondary teacher and had a nightmare commute to work. I did this for many years as well as caring for SN child. My dh is well paid and was very supportive when I worked, he did not go for promotion in order to drop off child to school everyday. We did not really need my salary so I decided to give up teaching. Now I am at home. My dh got a promotion and I do most school runs. I go to gym, walk dogs, bake homemade cupcakes and cook from scratch most days. I have time to do hobbies and lunch put with friends/sister. Just do a stock take. Do what makes you happy.

Life is too short to spend it being unhappy.
Anything you’re unhappy with in life can be changed (for the most part).

I’ve been slowly making changes to things I’ve not been happy with.... it’s raised a few eyebrows and those who are not supportive of my happiness, my life and what’s important to me, and me them are no longer a part of it. I’m now not on social media, I don’t waste time on people who aren’t good friends, I focus on what I feel is best for me and my daughter not what everyone else things I should be doing! It’s liberating but it’s a slow and gradual change that is ongoing.

Las - "Hmmmm.. Okay... So when people use charger plates, they don't use place mats?"

They could, but charger plates are pretty big so you'd need an extra-size placemat to be seen from under the charger plate, so a lot would just do charger plates and no placemat. Charger plate protects the table and/or tablecloth from the hot plate and/or spills (the usual job of placemats).

Great post and very timely for me. I'm exhausted having spent all weekend doing everything I normally do (2 kids with active lives) as well as prepare for an interview and presentation which would get me the first promotion in about 8 years and a significant pay rise. I'm 45. The interview was yesterday and was exhausting! I can just about keep all the balls in the air on a good day but we always feel skint both in terms of money and time. My partner and I both work full time with 4 children between us. I am thinking if I don't get this promotion then things will need to change. I live in the countryside but miss feeling like I live in a community. I'm thinking of moving back to my coastal home town where our parents live (only 3 miles away). Sometimes I think small changes can make a difference. Buying a modern, cheaper to run house might help with our disposable income? I don't think we could afford for me to go part time. But change is incremental. One small step to a simpler life can lead to the next... The one thing I do know is that time is a precious commodity. And so is peace of mind. 

I was you a year ago. My best friend lives a frugal, stress free life. I was working every hour god sent in a high stress job with two children under 5. I realised I was somehow managing to feel all smug and superior at how very busy and important I was compared to her (I know, what a bitch) whilst simultaneously being really jealous and wishing I had her life. Then it hit me- there’s more to life than embituon and having it all. So I dropped my responsibility, went down to 3 days a week, cut back on any extra spending (I mean everything. We have nothing left at the end of the month after bills and food) and am now so very happy... it can be done!

To be perfectly honest OP, she just sounds happier than you. You’ve said you don’t envy her actual life so it seems like you envy her contentment.

I’ve never understood why people rush about doing social stuff if they don’t want to. Why do that? I don’t understand where the benefit is.

Maybe what you envy is just her ability to say no to things. We all need boundaries and control over our lives.

I had the glamorous high flying career, due to personal circumstances I was forced to move to a very isolated part of the country and live a very different lifestyle.

At first I enjoyed it, no pressure, no deadlines, no management making demands but eventually the novelty wore off. I missed my friends/social life/ travelling and I moved back as I realised I was depressed.

It's not been easy but I am looking for work that isn't quite as stressful but struggling as apparently I am over qualified.

My take on it is that as others have said, it's a very individual thing.

What I've learnt to do is be grateful for the simple things and the people around me, which I really wasn't before.

I've learnt to live on a strict budget so when I do treat myself or go out to eat, I really appreciate it but not being able to go on holiday or to a show, those treats that are expensive, has been hard.

Be careful what you wish for, the grass is not always greener.

Really insightful OP, gives me (and us all) a lot to think about.

I've recently taken notice of a few friendships that aren't serving me well (mostly they want to see me when suits them, and talk about themselves, something big has happened in my life recently that they haven't acknowledged or asked about) I'm wondering what life would be like if I 'pruned' some deadwood, made my circle smaller...

Thanks for posting this OP.

If we all just simplify our lives in one way or two , remembering what makes us truly happy, it will probably make a huge difference.

And I agree that quiet semi rural lives can be boring as fuck.

I grew up semi rural with a SAHM. Parents hated it and took it out on us (mostly me) looking back, I’m convinced DM in particular was horrendously depressed. They moved out of London to have kids and I think she never got over how much she had had to leave behind in order to provide this ‘idyllic’ life. Ha. Crap life more like.

I suppose what I’m saying is that anywhere can be a prison. The biggest gift you can give your DS is happy parents who don’t resent him. The actual practicalities of your lifestyle (above poverty line I mean, obviously when money is extremely tight material stuff is important) are not particularly important to your children’s happiness IMO.

After early retirement following teaching burnout and 34 full time years and two children I live the life your friend is living and love it.

My DD is living your life but without the children (yet). She is busy, stressed and often ill. She spends money to make up for her work demands and to ‘relax’. However, she is challenged and stimulated by her job and is easily bored and I wonder whether my life would suit her.

Think carefully about changes. Consider how you would feel with weeks of routine, rather dull days and no prospect of a quickie minibreak to liven things up. Also think about how you would feel to be stretched for cash. You would need to know whether your OH would be happy with a big change in your lives. Most people in the countryside are traditional in outlook and the nice places are usually Conservative constituencies. If you are a metropolitan elite type you might find this irksome.

But best of luck if you make a change. My life Is heavenly.

I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than life Your friends life
Semi rural, hell no. I want to live in the city.

Everyone is different. The only time I go to the city is if I want to see a show or the odd afternoon drinks with friends. The rest of the time I'm happy to live semi rural.

OP sounds like the core requirement in all this is to have a well earning husband. Not sure that's a particularly new idea or revolutionary.

I'm 25 and my partner is 31, we live a reasonable lifestyle. I work 30 hours around our sons school hours and my partner works 7am-4pm FT. We are happy to stay in every week night just enjoying eachothers company in front of some crap TV and weekends are spent mostly doing free things like walks in the woods, bike rides on the beach etc...

We will never own a 5 bedroom house, make £100,000 a year or go on 2 holidays in a year but we leave work at work and make plenty of time to be a family. Sometimes I get jealous of the things like this I want to have but won't, but it's good to sit back and appreciate whatever you have!

Maybe you could move outside the city and get jobs in a town as opposed to a city and gradually slow things down and scale things back?

My thoughts:

Be careful her dream doesn’t become yours; ie the way you’ve ended up in the rate race you could end up in the countryside because “getting a house in the country” is a dream many thibk they want and the reality might actually suck. I’d die in the country. But do think about what you both want, and then see how it rolls from there. Either way you need to not sit in silence together because you’re too tired - that’s a recipe for divorce and an early death from boredom.

Good luck and kup!

You say you're 40? Don't let notions of "prestige" stop you from making your life better for yourself, you never know what's around the corner.
I was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 48. I thought I still had decades ahead of me.

Work, material things, prestige, they're not important. What's important is spending quality time with people you love.

I'm very fortunate that I'm married to someone who earns a lot. I have lots of choices available to me. The challenge has always been to figure out what is best for my family as a whole. I've seen so many of DHs peers lose sight of what is important.

So many times on MN I hear this 'oh but DH earns so much and works so hard'. Mine does too and he takes the trash out, walks the dog when he is home and he reads to the kiddies at bedtime unless he is flying. It's been hard at times to keep him humble.

Earlier this year I hired household staff. I've stopped. It doesn't actually help me. I find it stressful to manage more people who are in my home. We have always set a low budget to live off, that is compared to what we earn. Part of our set up is me working FT and earning enough to support the DC on my own. It really is the best insurance policy I could ask for.

This isn't what everyone wants but it's what works for us.

Motoko, sorry to read this and I agree with your post. I've lost someone close just as they were becoming an adult and someone close who had just retired.

I work and save but I also think life is not all about having the best of everything. Time is more important.

To be fair though I don't like really like busy places so I won't need extra money for expensive cruises and posh frocks when I'm old.

I completely understand your point of view. I'm also nearly 40 and terrifying myself with the words "mid life crisis" looming especially in relation to work. I can completely understand the desire to get off the hamster wheel like you, I just don't know how.

Two points on your friends situation though...
1 - I wonder if her husband is happy presumably his job is stressful if he's a high earner, or does her being at home take lots of stress away for him too?

2 - how many people have a beautiful ex Council house in the countryside? Answer very few. I grew up near some (countryside) that now go for circa £350k + so unless she has had it a long time / right to buy I do wonder if their outgoings are as low as she makes out. Plus the luxury skincare, holidays etc etc... what I am trying to say is maybe perception isn't reality and she's just paddling like the rest of us!

Totally agree. It may seem like she is "pottering". I work part time from home. I'm a mum to four young ones during the day but post 9 or 10 pm working hard on my childrens clothing business. I think about what I have to do all day, answer emails, organise orders, whilst doing the housework, washing, school runs, meals, entertaining toddlers, playgroups, etc.

Whilst I love my business I'm never actually getting a break or downtime to myself.

Honestly, I feel others lives can feel so perfect when we look at them from the outside. But human nature and experience tells me that they are generally as chaotic as my own.

would you want to live her life.or do you just want to live in her contentment?
so would you want her home,her job,live her exact day to day?if any of those bring anything but the contentment you see in her then its not her life just her finding her zen and what makes her tick.
but that mean also that you can find ur own.
from the rushing descriton you wrote it doesn't sound like ur life is like hers so in changing it it wouldn't be either.because ur simply not the same people with the same likes and dislikes and personality.so move on from comaring and think how to make the very best of you.
what could you implement in ur own life to make it better.
one night a week you cook together.turn all phoneand electricals off for a date night.
could you afford a holiday.
have a clean out of a few things in the house.
ut aside a few hours on sunday to find something you love or go for a walk,read,or hobbie.
make a new recipe found on the internet each week.and bake on cake a month etc.
it can be the smallest things.a bookshelf.some candles in the evening.a bike ride.a picnic.that respite from the rush.
how could ur commute be better.trying different routes.putting on an audio book.again simply seemingly silly but little things make all the difference if you cnt actually change the way you live.
there is a reason she went down her path and a reason you went urs.to have scaled down meant she must have had probems once with her old ways right.so she must have felt like you do.
basically you just need to find what helps heals and makes you happy.and sometimes that might have to be accepting this is how things are and have to be for you to be ssafe and secure rihght now.and that means ur even more amazing for getting on with it.becasue I am telling you now there will be things in her life that cause her strife and she will be so content because of how she has reacted to those things and gotten on,changed things if she could otherwise being happy within herself.
start small and putting the simple things in place

how many people have a beautiful ex Council house in the countryside? Answer very few. I grew up near some (countryside) that now go for circa £350k + so unless she has had it a long time / right to buy I do wonder if their outgoings are as low as she makes out.

Again though, the OP says semi-rural with countryside nearby, not countryside itself. The friend could well live on the very edge of a suburb or a town. There was plenty of council housing built in areas matching this description, some of it in cheaper areas of the country. I suspect OP is in London, but that's not to say her friend is anywhere near.

Suspect you're right about them buying a while ago though. If they're early 40s like OP they could be coming to the end of the mortgage term.

Lastly, I'm another one who had no idea of the existence of charger plates. This place is an education!

Change the name and age OP and your story could be mine.

No answers, other than I’m realising life is too short. But it is risky to make big leaps.

I’m thinking of making little changes with view to a bigger long term change. Baby steps!