to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

• RedPanda2 Mon 05-Nov-18 21:36:00

"I have her lifestyle, I don't have children and I think they really age people." Do you mean children age people, or that lifestyle ages people?

If you mean children, I do think they age people in the sense that they are utterly knackering and their lives (which parents organise and facilitate) are demanding, plus lack of sleep and no privacy. So whilst utterly delightful (most of the time) I agree they are draining especially in the early years.

If you mean that the slower paced lifestyle is ageing, then I'd agree with that too. That is probably what stops me from doing more of the reclusive country, home baking thing.

If I didn't have a city-type DH, and techy-type DCs, if I was on my own altogether, then I think I would retreat into a home baking, sewing, "the good life" existence. Except I know I would be thinking in the back of my mind that I could do that when I'm 60 and would I be missing out on the years when I could be plugged into modern life? Would I be ageing too prematurely to not have heels and beauty products and glitter baubles, city drinks do's (occasionally), etc, to swap those for flat shoes, no makeup and a life that would probably match somebody much older and quieter....

Anyway, it's not even a realistic choice. I am most definitely urban living, with 3 DCs, a business-y DH and no time to make or bake (or if I do, it's squeezed in as a novelty rather than the norm) whether I like it or not! I do like it but naturally, I am introverted and I love the thought of making a living from a hobby, whilst making quilts or jam or a chicken shed from scratch in the evenings and at weekends. But would that be an excuse to hide away because I naturally find modern life a little bit too demanding? I don't know. .

No TV and less time spent on the internet frees up a lot of time for other things like exercise, baking, sewing, socialising etc I believe that you can buy a bread maker that you fill at night and it creates bread for the morning. I've made bread myself by hand the only problem is that it has no preservatives, so it doesn't keep very long and it is so delicious that you eat 3 times as much yum ! Some people enjoy working from home with no commute, I am not one of those people. However, I can appreciate that some people enjoy that life style. I like to do things that I enjoy, so I make time, whether this is something small or a big project

I think it’s about finding a balance & trying to do what you need in a way that makes you happy. So the idea of living in the country & staying at home doesn’t appeal to me nor does a moving from where we live to have a bigger home but a long commute appeal. As mentioned upthread my compromise was working locally in a less demanding environment as I enjoy the social aspect & having financial independence but want less stress & more flexibility. Plus I do think it’s important to remember that money is not everything (after a certain amount) & it’s very easy to get caught up as the OP says of constantly striving for more.

Yes, sorry, I agree that this is not really stripped back, she is very lucky to have a job that she can do form home, she enjoyed and Is clearly well-remunaret, this is very rare and a real blessing.

On top of that, she also has a well-paid husband. What exactly have they stripped back?

She just sounds like somebody who knows herself and what she wants and spends her time accordingly, which is great, but it is not really stripped back.

I don't care what people think either, buy cheap clothes, no make up or beauty products (sunscreen and moisturiser are it for me!), I have made a commitment that all furniture I will buy for our new house will be secondhand and keeping to it.

On the other hand, I spend a fortune on books, travel and activities for the kids that they have an interest in.

I think maybe you just need to stop and think about what you enjoy and what is worth spending money on from your own perspective rather than what you feel gives you social recognition.

I think the key to happiness is knowing yourself and doing what you value, to the extent that you can.

That said, I would be very scared to give up on financial security for an idea of stripped back idyll, you never know what life might throw at you, illness, disability etc., and money always helps in those situations.

I wish we lived in a society where your basic needs would always be met without you needing private finances, but we do not.

@lifeontheotherside You may benefit from reading this poem. It touches people and so many different levels:

THE STATION
By Robert J. Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves on a long journey that spans an entire continent.

We’re traveling by train and, from the windows, we drink in the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.

But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination – for at a certain hour and on a given day, our train will finally pull into the Station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands playing.

And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true.

So restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting for the Station.

“Yes, when we reach the Station, that will be it!” we promise ourselves.

“When we’re eighteen. . . win that promotion. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL Mercedes-Benz. . . have a nest egg for retirement!”

From that day on we will all live happily ever after.

Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no Station in this life, no one earthly place to arrive at once and for all.

The journey is the joy.

The Station is an illusion – it constantly outdistances us.

Yesterday’s a memory, tomorrow’s a dream.

Yesterday belongs to a history, tomorrow belongs to God.

Yesterday’s a fading sunset, tomorrow’s a faint sunrise. Only today is there light enough to love and live.

So, gently close the door on yesterday and throw the key away.

It isn’t the burdens of today that drive men mad, but rather the regret over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow.

Regret and fear are twin thieves who would rob us of today.

“Relish the moment” is a good motto, especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24, “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener. Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we go along.

The Station will come soon enough.

she choose her life and you choose yours.

OP, I feel the same as you. I've started following sites like Nourishing Minimalism and The Minimalists on the Book of Face and that is helping me to make some small changes. The book 'How To Break Up With Your Phone' is starting to help life feel more 'stripped back' too.
Maybe we should start a thread on here for people who want things to feel a bit simpler and less frenetic. Share tips and stuff. 🙂

@blueshoes has it spot on. Young kids are bloody hard work!

I went through some crap years of divorce, moving house, on secondment to a job that just wasn't me as well as parenting a little one single handedly. It was incredibly tough.

However now DD is 8 she is mostly a delight to be around, the house is all sorted (by which I mean decorated, furniture bought etc) and I do feel like I have time to do things for me - whether that's a PT session or a cuppa whilst reading a trashy mag.

Your friends life is what I'm trying to for my kids. Lots of time to just be kids, a few activities, home cooked food, bush walks, being allowed to play in the dirt with sticks rather than fancy toys all the time. Holidays at the beach in a caravan, not too much technology and not always going to Disney on ice. We could do more, but choose not to.
I have friends who's kids go to everything, do every activity, have every toy imaginable and all their clothes are licensed (nothing handed down like my poor kids). I don't think there is anything wrong with either way of parenting and living, we all do things differently. I don't know what my friends think of my lifestyle, I do question how I raise my kids sometimes, especially when I see another fancy toy their kids have. But then I think how much fun my kids had playing in the creek. Maybe you can take something from seeing how your friend lives, but that didn't mean the way you live is wrong.

So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, swim more rivers, climb more mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener. Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we go along

Is this a Facebook meme?

Anyway, back to the original post...there's no secret. It's not that her life is pared down...she just has no kids and enough money.

@formerbabe probably seen something similar but it is a poem by R J Hastings.

It just occurred to me that children do almost certainly age you in terms of appearance, but I think that mentally and physically they keep you young. I spend a lot more time just laughing and being silly with my toddler, I see the world more through his eyes (look, an aeroplane! A squirrel!) and I have got fitter and more flexible through picking him up, running after him and squatting down on the floor to play and I spend more time outside than I used to. I didn’t realise before I had a child that going to the park was such a hands-on activity, I pictured myself on a bench with a latte letting them get in with it! Plus I am cooking more healthy food because I am thinking of him, and have less time to sit around mindlessly eating snacks. Yes, I look about a hundred but that’s probably more to do with not having/taking the time to do proper makeup and grooming than actual age.

I had to take a step back from this thread last night as some of the comments about my friend really upset me and I felt bad for posting about her and her situation. I realise I did post in aibu but still. I understand that the way I phrased things might have made people think I was implying she lived in a yurt somewhere when all I meant was that compared to me her life was stripped back and by that I meant that she has managed to reduce what she has in her life to the things that truly matter to her, that interest and simulate her and that compared with everyone else I know she doesn't let stuff just happen to her or be foisted on her and I do admire that and want some of it for myself.

With all that said I certainly wouldn't want her exact life. She spends all day during the week alone, only seeing her husband in the evenings and can go weeks hardly seeing anyone apart from him. I couldn't live like that I would go mad, she is very introverted and can cope with that while I need to see different people, to chat and be social and as much as I love my family I need more than that.

I don't think any one way of living is right or wrong its about what suits the individual and my time with her and the responses to this thread have given me a lot to think about. I'm off work today and I will spend some time thinking over what my next step is. I've been stuck in the mentality of taking every oppertunity which is great but not I do need to be a little strategic about my future.

I think I would like to change my work situation perhaps move into consulting or a different but related area.

I want to move, to have a house with a garden and a bit of nature around it

I want us to be healthier and have more time together as a family and a couple even if that means scaling back on other things like socialising and work.

I don't know how to make that happen just yet but I'm going to think about it and have a talk with my husband and see if we can work together to come up with a better work life balance.

Hmm, things that have led us to our simpler way of life;

Getting all the hedonistic wild stuff thoroughly out of our systems before settling down with kids.

Not working when the kids were small, having them close together so I could be purely child focussed and concentrate on them for a few years.

Moving up north, where our money went further.

Setting up our own business so that we could work from home and control how much we worked.

Keeping it simple; kids went to local state schools, never did masses of time consuming expensive activities, just a couple a week. We live somewhere with great transport links so never had to run them into town etc

Living below our means; we have a nice house but we could have a more expensive one, we have lovely holidays, but we mostly camp or stay in cheap appartments. We have nice clothes but not loads and loads of them.

Really not bothering what other people think.

So in our early fifties, we are retired and have a pretty idyllic life really.

Great post @lifeontheotherside

My idea of stripped back means less of the rushing around and having time.Not time to do anything particular or I would be rushing again.
I also quite like vegging in front of the tellywith my dd but we pick our programs and talk ,eat together too.I do not get home from work,cook tea and then batch cook.
The only thing I'd like to change is the commute to work,an hour each direction,one of the downsides of living in a village with no limited public transport.

She has no DC for a start? So no parenting and much less domestic work and “mental load”. [Quote]

You do realise that people without children often have 'mental loads' as well. I really wish posters would stop coming on here and making out that childless people can just float through life free from all worry, responsibility and anxiety. It's patronising and insulting.

Some people need higher levels of stimulation to feel alive than others. There is no one way.

OP, thank you for your clarification, I suspect many posts were not really criticising your friend for her choices but pointing out that in reality you probably need a lot of money to lead a simple life. We looked at downsizing and early retirement, it didn't pass go as the smaller houses didn't have space for us to do our hobbies (the hobbies we do very little of because of working full time). To do lots of the things we enjoy is expensive and i had this horrible feeling I wouldn't do lots of laudable and worthy things but simply sit on the sofa eating chocolate and watching daytime TV. With the next 3 years we will retire, and (if we maintain good health) will be able to do all those things, which for me has to include a horse. So hopefully I'll be living the life then, but for now, and during all the time we have had dependent children it has not been right for us.

Several posts were effectively people blaming you for their own comprehension fails OP, so I wouldn't get too upset about that.

But I think it's good that the thread has helped you identify what you want and changes you would like to make. Seems to me that if you cut back on social stuff a bit, as you've identified you want to, you would have time together and also save a bit of money. That could help.

You do realise that people without children often have 'mental loads' as well. I really wish posters would stop coming on here and making out that childless people can just float through life free from all worry, responsibility and anxiety. It's patronising and insulting.

Oh come on, there is hardly any 'mental load' for a healthy adult-only household as compared to one with children in it. I don't understand how people make such a meal of their lives.

It's good that your friend's lifestyle has helped you identify where your own priorities lie.

I think your thread title has done you a disservice here, as the phrase stripped back life has undertones of 'we could all live like this if we sacrificed the desire for consumer goods and a high-end lifestyle'.

I don't think that's actually what you meant, but as pps have pointed out, there's significant financial security underpinning the choices your friend has been able to make in the form of her husband's well-paying job - if she had to support herself, she'd be working more hours and her life would be less idyllic.

In short, not everyone has things they can 'strip back' from their lives because they might need to work full-time just to survive (even with second hand furniture, no holidays, cheap house and car). Your thread title (taken in isolation) suggests an idyllic view of a world where these problems don't exist.

Instead, swim more rivers, climb more mountains, kiss more babies, count more stars. Laugh more and cry less. Go barefoot oftener. Eat more ice cream. Ride more merry-go-rounds. Watch more sunsets. Life must be lived as we go along.

Why did Robert J Hastings spoil a fairly good poem with this awful ending?

"Oh come on, there is hardly any 'mental load' for a healthy adult-only household as compared to one with children in it. I don't understand how people make such a meal of their lives."

Yes you're right. They never have to worry about illness, or family issues, or elderly parents or financial problems. They never have MH problems or depression. They're never bereaved. They're never struggling to cope with infertility and all the physical and emotional problems that brings.
They're just people making a meal of their lives.

I think it's very hard to have a stripped back lifestyle with children because you are always running around after them and caring for their needs.

I don't have children precisely because I like a simple life. I work part time on quite a low wage, not from home but my office is round the corner so it may as well be.

I spend my weekends climbing mountains and reading books. I am not saying I have it all right and figured out, just that it's very easy for me to do these things because I don't have anyone else to think about.