to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

I started a new career after DC2 although my background helped. Less pay & progression but I have flexi hours & can work from home, it’s like another world! My commute is now a 10 min walk, it wasn’t far before but the tube was stressful & crowded. I can pop home if I need to get something. My high street is a 15 min walk away so I can do a quick shop before work after school drop off. I’m often up at 7 due to kids so can put a wash on, order the food shop etc all before work & school. Best of all when I leave work I very rarely have to think about it.

My life is also very much like your friends and I am 27 going on 47

I left a really high pressured job 2 years ago to work for our family business after my DM was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I really do believe that stress and the pressure my DM put herself through on a day to day basis was a contributing factor to her illness. She was 50 when she passed away earlier this year.

I have always enjoyed the simple things in life and have always been mindful about making time for myself but now I really try make it a lifestyle choice. I do cook from scratch every night, myself and DP don't spend much time together during the week but we enjoy going for our for tea on a weekend, going on long walks with the dogs, a few drinks in the pub etc. I don't put pressure on myself to socialise but do meet friends often for coffee and me and DP go out with mutual friends probably once every couple of months. I don't go to the gym but keep active with walking, I have a horse and I also have a Pilates DVD I do at home a couple of times a week.

There are a couple of great books which I would reccomend: The life-changing magic of not giving a f**k and Lagom - The Swedish art of balanced living. Both great reads IMO.

I have a similar life OP.

I live in a semi rural location, I like a simple life.
I only work part time- I would from home and it is a hobby, so fun to do.

I have time for woodland walks, photography. yoga classes, regular gym time.
I haven't been inside a pub for 20 years, I don't go out in the evening much- my choice.

I love the slow pace.

I read it as though your friend has acknowledged to herself what her likes and limits are and adjusted her lifestyle accordingly, rather then keeping on pushing and pushing herself to be something she is not because societal expectations demands it. Good for her.

I think acknowledging limits is a good way of putting it.

I have her lifestyle, I don't have children and I think they really age people.

@butcherswife sorry about your DM

I think a lot of us are just on a treadmill fulfilling societies expectations without much thought about what would make us personally happy

Exactly this

I think it needs to be a better thought through what suits you - high earning doesn't mean not knowing what a wood looks like!

We live in Epping Forest - my daughter is well acquainted with trees and the baby deer we saw this morning on the drive to her state school.

My DH is a police officer so not massively high earning - I am in FS in the city but in law so not the heights of front office so I'd say middle earning by London standards.

He makes a real difference every day to the wider community - I get to engage at a senior industry and government level with how things work throughout the industry which provides for millions of jobs.

I wouldn't swop at 40 for the delights of semi rural - I don't think I'll swop at 50, 60 either but we'll see! One is better than the other - just different depending on your natural inclinations and ability to access it.

Your friend sounds like a wealthy housewife. Not everyone could afford this lifestyle. Anyway id be the size of a house if i was at home all day baking (they do some very nice cakes in m&s anyway).

If it helps, looking younger is usually just genetics (and suncream).

Hmm. I live "stripped back" but without the full time working husband!
I work for myself and can survive, mostly. I never shop (except occasionally charity shop/ebay) dont get my hair done, grow veggies, cook a lot.
It's nice in a way that I have a lot of flexibility, and I get easily overwhelmed by stuff so it's partly to maintain my sanity, but I've got fuck all pension and it's pretty precarious. Sometimes I think wistfully of being a high powered career bitch in a sharp suit, buying a £500 handbag and having proper holidays!
But, yeah, if I added a pensioned-up, high earning husband to the mix life could be sweet, so I get what you're saying OP.

I think it's about knowing what you personally need to be relatively happy.

I wouldn't like some aspects of the 'stripped back' life of your friend. I hate working from home as I feel lonely and prefer to go to work at least a few days a week for the social aspect as much as anything else (though I have flexible working which is brilliant). I don't enjoy cooking, so wouldn't want to bake, I cook from scratch as a necessity not a pleasure. I would prefer to be near a city especially with older children as rural life would make me even more of a taxi driver than I already am.

I wouldn't like your friend's life, but I do think knowing yourself, what you enjoy, where your pleasures are, what stresses you out and managing that, is all incredibly valuable and perhaps this visit has been a wake-up call on that front for you as you don't sound happy.

I have a very simple life. It suits me very well but I say that because I have known the alternatives.

OP, your son is 5 years old. Unless you have other children, life starts to look up from this point on. The worst is behind you. It now gets easier and easier. My dcs are now 12 and 15. I have to pinch myself sometimes how lovely they are, but still hard work, though in a different way. I ran on empty when they were young and wanted to throw it in too. Now I am glad I stuck with it (not that downsizing was ever a serious option).

I don't want to retire early. I want to keep going, keeping my brain active and feeling useful and having lots of disposable income to treat my dcs and enjoy our life as a family.

You might feel differently once the pressure starts to ease up in your life.

Many people I know will get the best house they can afford, then have the pressure to carry on earning.

This really depends on the price of the house because depending on that the difference in quality for your money if higher or lower.

Let me explain. Both friends and us could get a mortgage of 850.000-900.000 (850 us, 900 them). We both bought a house of around 550.000 at the same time because we want to keep our naice lifestyle and overpay the mortgage. You can get just as nice a house for 550.000 as for 850.000 with extra bedrooms, big garden and good neighbourhood. However, if your price range is 100.000 or 150.000 then the extra 50.000 will make a big difference in quality of the house that you can afford.

Following with interest.

I have not missed anything Tatiana.this isn’t stripped back,ite well remunerated employment and a well paid dp
It’s been said she earns enough to pay bill and be financially sufficient.so she’s employed and well remunerated
Introduced Was the whimsy notion of a “financial cushion” aka wage slave mug
Cushion,who is presumably meant to knock themselves out earning ££ whilst lady pared back, gets to fanny about in a stripped back manner.
Yea,sure thing...

Surely this is down to your choices?
YOU choose to have a 'crap diet'.
YOU choose not to have time to go to the gym.
YOU could go for a walk with your son or go swimming with him instead, then you have exercise and time with him at the same time.
YOU choose to veg out in front of the tv.
YOU choose to be out socialising.

Not sure what the problem is?

I’m 34 and I’m still figuring how this shit works 😩

It was actually having DC that made me do this. Years of infertility that finally resulted in successes totally changed my priorities. I stopped caring as much about the material stuff and realised the value of slowing things down. Years later this is how I've stayed. I've a great work/life balance and am much happier overall - I just don't have the wardrobe or the designer handbags that I used to! Or the fancy holidays. I don't need that stuff though, arsey as it sounds but there's a deeper happiness to be found in better relationships, actually having the time for family, nature, hobbies. And not being permanently stressed about fitting everything in!

This thread should go in classics.

@madmomma

This should go into classics.

Why? It's not exactly a 'classic' thread!

There are different types and shades of financial dependency though aren’t they? There’s the Real Housewives of Beverley Hills type - clearly the OP’s friend doesn’t fall into that kind of bracket. There’s the kind where one partner (usually the woman) gives up paid work in order to provide childcare. Obviously childcare is hugely expensive so the stay at home parent is providing a significant monetary benefit. There’s also the kind where one partner enables the other partner to have a very nice life - one that partner couldn’t have if they had to support themselves entirely by themselves. That’s what’s most likely going on here.

Just for example, if my DH earned enough to pay off the mortgage and to support us both comfortably through retirement, I could definitely work 3 days a week from home doing crotcheting and baking - our bills aren’t large at all. But he doesn’t, so we both have to work full time.

@lifeontheotherside

Is this a reverse? Are you actually the friend?

You seem very defensive of her, and her lifestyle.........