to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Yes Tatiana she'd have a more limited life, but that's a different thing from financially depending on her husband

I never said she was financially dependent on him, just that she has his earnings to fall back on. It’s always nice to have a cushion.

Ok,so what life do you want for yourself op,and what steps do you need to take to achieve it

What a cliched and discriminatory notion,o’er hasn’t she married well

Not remotely discrimination, I’d say exactly the same about a man.

Working part time is a nice life. Particularly if you’ve got someone else’s FT wage to cushion you.

She has no DC for a start? So no parenting and much less domestic work and “mental load”.

Do you actually know for a fact how much she earns? That she earns enough to financially support herself should she need to do so? Or are you just guessing? If she earns a decent wage on short hours, from home then it’s not her “stripped back” life choices but the work she chose to pursue.

But it seems far more likely that she is financially reliant on her husband.

life

As a pp suggested, look at what aspects of their life you would really like and see if you can make small changes to achieve it.

We have lived this sort of life for 30 years, in different ways, part of it was off grid as mortgage repayments were unbelievable. We did go for cheap and cheerful but interest rates shot up.
We are in the town now, but lived in the stix for about 12 years and raised our kids there too.

We too don't care what others think, I had a carer that I didn't want to continue and personally no amount of money/wage would have taken me away from my babies, they were worth far to much to me.
So, we live (d) within our means so that we had proper family time without it being dictated to by particular working hours.

Working part time is a nice life. Particularly if you’ve got someone else’s FT wage to cushion you
No. That’s no everyone idyll or nice life.maybe if you don’t mind dependency
Or the sort of woman who needs a “cushion” of someone else wage

I’m resilient
I don’t need the cushion of someone else wage

Or the sort of woman who needs a “cushion” of someone else wage

It's not always so black and white as implying "she must be a shit woman to be the type to need a "cushion"".

Sometimes it's a compromise - in order to actually live a life whereby you see the person you love and get on really well with one of you has to compromise a lot of what work you do. Or you would just never actually spend or see any time together. It's really sad to see women laying into other women in such a "i'm holy than thou" way.

I don't know why some people seem determined to pick holes in her situation. Her life isn't perfect I'm sure, she has her struggles and problems like anyone. I know what she makes for each peice she does so I do know what she makes roughly.

Yes the current lifestyle they both enjoy is dependent on the other in someway be that financally or domestically. If anything happened to one or the other it would make for big changes but they wouldn't end up in poverty on the street. It would be the smae for my and my husband or for most people. We all depend to a degree on our partners and family so I don't get why some are trying to make it out to be a negative on her part as if it discounts what she has achieved?

I get the pride in your job thing OP - but the important thing is, do you get any intrinsic pleasure from the work, or is it all about external approval? (Which, y'know, isn't nothing. It can be really affirming to have people say "wow! That's so cool!")

I find work is very important to my mental health, but it isn't purely for external reasons. What I get out of work is:

• getting significant time in the day to focus on something absorbing and intellectually challenging.
• that quiet time is also important because I am fairly introvert and with a bouncy 6 year old at home I go to work so I have enough peace to be calm and playful with him!
• feeling that I am earning enough to bail out extended family when needed (important when you come from family who are all pretty much in the precariat. If they pared back they'd be living under a bridge.)
• enough social contact in the day that I don't feel I'm getting stir crazy

I would absolutely loathe your friend's lifestyle. You might, once stuck in it. Can you think through what stuff actually gives you joy in the day and see what teeny tiny steps you can make towards that? Throwing up your job and moving house because you feel unhappy just means you risk taking the unhappy with you, if you don't really know what you want. If you were absolutely about to snap it might be worth the risk to try something, but it doesn't sound that dramatic.

I would love your friend's life. Much like you life is just far too busy, it isn't the life I imagined and due to a few circumstances beyond my control I've needed to be in a bigger city, more urban lifestyle, more demands (work, child with special needs), and becoming a single parent meaning I work more than one job to keep us afloat, and I can't see how I'd ever have the life I had thought was just around the corner.

It isn't about money for me, I'm happy with less and am drawn to simplicity, it's more I can't see how I'd ever escape the rat race now.

There is a lot to be said for a more peaceful, simple and quietly fulfilling life. Just wish it was possible in more circumstances.

it sounds like its really made you think about whether you are happy and satisfied with your life. I have to say it sounds very stressful to me. Sit down and write down what you can scale back on, what you really need and what you can do without, you don't have to completely change your life but making some minor changes is a start and might help?

If she can afford to only do her hobby as an income then she will be spared the stress of working to pay bills, worrying about being made redundant etc. That makes a big impact on wellbeing.

If she doesn't have kids, well, then that's a huge amount of stress and epense lifted.

I know what you mean though. I like to spend my disposable income on beauty products and clothes, but then I sometimes feel annoyed that I'm sucked in to buying beauty products for this that and the other. Sometimes I wish I was the kind of person who washed with one bar of soap and used one simple moisturiser and didn't wear makeup - job done.

I feel torn between wanting a simple life whereby I bake, knit, sew and garden but then I also want sparkles, glam, liquid eyeliner and heels

I see charming country-cottage Christmas spreads in magazine where it's all pared-down decorations, handmade using twigs from the garden etc - but then I also want glitter baubles and jewel coloured decorations

I do veer towards the country, home-made and left to my own devices I probably would have more of that kind of life. However I have a very modern DH who loves tech, city life, drinks and glam and some equally tech-type DCs who would just not sit making twiggy decorations for more than 10 minutes without being totally bored and whining.

I was the type of child who would have LOVED to have a knitting, sewing, home-baking DM but I got a modern working mum and family who was shop-bought all the way. I always thought I'd get the chance to do it with my own DCs, but, no. They aren't interested either. I guess I'm a bit of an oddity in my own life!

The busiest thing in my life is, by a very very long stretch, my kids. So I could move to the country, quit my job, quit social media etc etc and I'd still be flat out busy because I have three demanding DC- as the Buddhists say- wherever I go, there they are (or something)

I live a life not dissimilar to your friend but it's only the last few months I've realised just how very lucky I am. I get to spend more on my hobby than I do on rent... And I have time to indulge it.

I'm single and have two children under 10 - so obviously there are crazy days... But it's bliss. Once they're gone I'll be living a paradise life.

I'm quite careful about what I buy and getting better at NOT buying stuff and when I do it's now with a view "for life".

I was forced to slow down when my mental health trashed my career and I could no longer cope. I spent a couple of years thinking I was missing out and ashamed my ex-colleagues might be sneering at my "basic bitch" life. But now it's them I feel sorry for. I'm free.

No. That’s no everyone idyll or nice life.maybe if you don’t mind dependency. Or the sort of woman who needs a “cushion” of someone else wage

You’ve completely missed the point.

Apart from anything else she’s not dependent nor does she need a cushion. But a cushion is a nice thing to have.

PS as your friend - one of the biggest factors is the ability to say "no, that's not going to work for me".

Her life does sound lovely, OP. Although, as many people have pointed out, she doesn't have children. You are inevitably going to have more constraints on your time and finances than you would do if you didn't have your 5 year old.

I suppose the question is: what changes do you want to make? Some of the things she has are achievable without changing anything in your job situation (the evenings spent slumped in front of separate screens, for example). Other things, you would need to have much more of a think about (like trading in your high-pressure job for fewer hours and less stress but less money). Only you can decide which compromises are worth it to you. The answer won't be the same for everyone.

There are a few things that I think you have to find ways of enjoying and valuing, otherwise you will never fit them in to your schedule. Things like cooking, baking, reading, taking exercise - these can either be relaxing leisure activities or intolerable chores, depending on how you feel about them. Clearly your friend has more time than you do, but it also sounds as if she values these activities more in themselves. Maybe you should start really small and try to change your evening habits gradually, without trying to go from zero to 60 with the improving activities overnight. Then reassess your job situation in time.

Her life sounds indulgent not stripped back.
She has prioritised her own happiness & does what she wants to do.
DH earns a decent wage and facilitates this.
Nothing wrong with this, they're obviously in it together but she has time on her side. It's easy to be happy if you have both money and plenty of leisure time.

Would love this but as a single mum with no income from ex it isn’t realistic. She’s lucky her DH funds hrr

Being “dependent” on someone for domestic work is hugely different from being financially dependent.

Either she actually earns a good wage from her “hobby” (small business/freelancing or whatever), or she doesn’t and is, in reality, financially dependent.

If it’s the latter, and the relationship broke down or her H became too unwell to work she would probably find it much harder than he would to make enough money to maintain a similar lifestyle when single.

Sounds like you don’t know how much money she makes - which is fair enough, would be rude to ask! Just how much she charges for one “piece”.

I know you didn't tatiana, you're not the one I was correcting. But wrongly saying the OP financially depends on her husband is becoming this thread's cancel the cheque!

Well it will be if you keep repeating it.

No, it's the people that keep wrongly saying it that have done that.