to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Fourth here and we had a rethink a few years ago. We downsized to a ' nicer' area, manage with one car and I dropped my hours so I can do the school runs. I work from home a lot and not having to commute means I have time to go to the gym in my lunch break/ before starting work or meet friends for a coffee. I have always cooked from scratch but not working after school means it's a lot easier to do and we don't end up eating late. I don't feel torn between work and kids, I can switch off guilt free. We had a few years of limited holidays but we're still able to get away then DH got a promotion, so we have more choice now. I am choosy about accepting social invitations but that's my preference. I have time to bake, for my hobby and to take the kids to theirs and spend time with them. I am much happier than when I was working full time trying to do everything, rushing around and my life just seemed to be wake up, drop kids, work, rush home, late tea, collapse, repeat.

Since last year I decided to value time over money and also started to live a minimalistic lifestyle. I work from home part time but earn more than my OH who works full time.

So people shouldn't just presume that OPs friend is being financially reliant on her husband. If my OH leaves or dies (God forbid) I'll still be be able to look after myself.

I don't have kids yet but starting to ttc now, maybe the dynamics will change after kids. However, not keeping up with the Jones has made my life a lot easier and happier.

Wow! This is a really good thread for me. I am really lookimg to change my life following the death of my father. I just need to work out how to live on less! As I put my summer clothes away last week - I thought next time I take these out I want to be able to be pleasing myself, working for myself - not stuck in an office, doing a job I just fell into and now trapped by the good salary and having my priorities all wrong. I salute all of you who have made this change and I am looking forward to working out my path to it xxx

These threads always end up coming across as quite smug. Women talk about ways they have simplified their lives, but virtually always this is down to having a DH who makes a good income or as a poster said below, thanks to DH's promotion or having other external sources of funding. There is no magic to this - reducing your hours so you can cook from scratch from home because someone else is covering the costs doesn't make anyone ideologically superior.

The majority of people work long hours and commute because they have to, not because they want to. Only a small portion of the population actually make enough money that they are chasing big houses and big cars so only a small portion of the population can actually 'scale back' per se. Many on low incomes are already living 'as simple' a life as possible as they go from paycheck to paycheck.

I really find these kind of threads/discussions irksome and very much a MN thing.

None of these lifestyles sound particularly frugal though. Gym membership, coffee out, holidays, a car, are all still luxury items, no? Which presumably are financed by previous professional jobs if not current?

Crossed posts with windygallows. I agree. I think it's fine to say "aren't I lucky, I've got choices most people don't and can afford to sit back and enjoy things a bit now" but to call this retiring from the rat race and stripping back on the material trappings everyone else is still aimlessly striving for is disingenuous. Fwiw I work part time already, as does DH. I have enough to support the lifestyle I want without increasing my hours and dd2 will start school soon which will give both of us a few hours each week to ourselves. I don't live in some rural idyll but I know I'm very fortunate and I hope I'm not smug about it.

Windygallows I don't agree. The OP sounds like both her and her DH earn well, so if she did indeed strip back her life, downsize and move semi-rurally, then she could probably give up her demanding job and earn money through a hobby, just like the friend she envies.

OP, I think your envy comes from thinking your friend has made sacrifices, and that now you should too. But I don't she has sacrificed anything. She probably prefers the countryside and doesn't need people around her. You sound like the total opposite - you like being in a cultural centre and spending time with friends, so for you these would be sacrifices and, by the sounds of it, I don't think your friend's life would actually work for you.

I had a plan around 10 years ago to be in a similar position to your friend. DH and me are now well into our fifties. We are fortunate that DH can now work part time...he ran his own business for 35 years and sold it 2 years ago. We do most things together, we love walking and generally keeping fit. We are moving house before Christmas, back to the area I’m from and plan to walk all over the Peak District over the next few years. DH wants to start a vegetable plot or get an allotment patch. Our DD is grown up and works in London. She’s happy and so are we.
Agree with others...you need a plan and stick to it. I have experienced other people’s envy/jealousy and it’s bloody horrible, but their problem, not mine. Go for it OP

The saddest part of this post , you only feel it's your job gives you self worth and and identity ! The only way you can change your life is to get off your butt and do it yourself ! Have you told your spouse or asked how he feels ?

We have your df's lifestyle. I work full time but can work from home or condense hours so I only have to work 4days. Not commuting makes a difference to the time spent at home, but I enjoy my commute. I can read, draw, knit, write,....without interruption.
Dh does his hobby... except it pays. It is hard work setting up talks, tying down sponsors, writing, interviews, sorting out logistics of the next adventure.
The kids are old enough to look after themselves. When they were younger dh sorted them out and slept less.

People see us having time to make bread, cakes, good social life, going on spontaneous adventures, having friends drop in for dinner, spending time together, happy kids excelling in their chosen paths. To get there we endured a lot of judgements for not getting caught up in the treadmill expectations of other people. By ignoring what was important to other people we now have the life we want.

On a practical note to identify the changes and make sure they get done I am a list maker... I make a list of what I want to achieve...say a new language by Christmas. Then I break it down into its smaller parts. So it now is helping verbs, sentence structure, 600 most used words. Then I break it down further into a daily to do... Eg 1 verb and 10 words. Then I look for places I can slot those activities into my day. Verbs are on the train, vocab as I am cooking dinner ect. It means I can look back and see that I have achieved something. To other people it looks as if I have time and space to do anything.

@windygallows I see your point and would like to add this; many people have to make these changes involuntarily due to divorce, death, redundancy etc etc.

I have through circumstances decluttered my life over the last three years of wrong people, bad habits and random belongings.

I feel more free, happier, and I am richer. I still work as hard and as many hours but my free time is easier to manage and more enjoyable. I didn’t have to move to the sticks and start baking - it was about making adjustments to my lifestyle but more importantly they way I think and feel about certain things. For example, I’d rather do all my weekly shopping in Lidl than Sainsbury’s because that means I don’t have to check the bank account or give it a second thought if I fancy taking the kids for something like a movie and pizza. I don’t panic if the car breaks because I know I have the savings to buffer unexpected life and I chose that over an expensive holiday.

I have to say people are also hanging a lot on baking and gardening. How much baking does one need to do to live a fulfilled life

@longestlurkerever

And baking for who?! How much cake and artisan bread is too much? Are we facing a gluten induced health crisis?!

I guess the point is to live your version of a fulfilled life. It doesn't have to be baking, it can be whatever you want. The op was wishing her lifestyle was simpler that doesn't have to mean more frugal, just less complicated. I understand that people have to live within their means but as another poster pointed out don't assume that the part time worker earns less.

Why are you aspiring to hit the ' big time ' and you don't even know what it is ? You want 'that prestige ' but you don't think it's worth it ? You need to get help because you're just sitting round feeling sorry for yourself ! Just look at the positives you have and stop being envious of someone who's living how she wants ! Whilst I'm here , all you mums , why does having children she you ?

Think it's safe to say, that material stuff matters more when in your 20s and maybe early 30s. After then , people naturally start to wind down a bit to have a better work -life balance

No kidding 🙄 that’s because the reality is that success and money ultimately means more freedom in our society (not to be confused with more time or more quality) and if you don’t work hard at whatever you do, you’ll arrive at your 40s etc with less choices. Sad but true.

I don’t agree windy
Lots of people get sucked into what other people’s idea of success and a good life is.
There are some quite bitter people on here.
It’s not a mumsnet ‘thing’ to think about work/life balance. I also get irked when people say we are ‘lucky’ to earn well. Luck hasn’t really figured into it.

@windygallows I don't think having a simpler life is reliant on "having a DH who makes a good income".

I live what I think of as a fairly simple/stripped back life, yet I contribute 50% of our living costs.

I have time as I'm self-employed and work from a home. So instead of my previous hour round commute, I have a 30 second commute up the stairs (ok, that was smug ).

That means I have 2 extra hours in the day to what I previously had.

I'm not saying all of this to sound smug, just to say that there are ways you can change your life to make it more fulfilling (and exactly what that constitutes will depend on the individual, of course).

There is nothing wrong with examining your life and seeing how you could improve it, I think it's pretty admirable.

Fully agree purple
I actually make more money than I did working for someone else.
This is a second marriage for both me and dh so this time we want to do things differently.

@Mrskeats good for you! I make a similar amount to before (though if I worked harder I could make more), but I feel approximately 10000% happier and more content.

To me, the ability to set my own hours, plan my days, work when I feel productive, never have to 'ask' for time off etc. has greatly improved my life. Of course, this all comes with it's own cost (e.g. uncertainty, less social interaction etc.) and for some people my situation might seem nightmarish (only a dog for company throughout the working day?!) but to me, it's idyllic.

I think that's the crux of the issue for me: find out what would make you (and your family) happy and then strive toward it with no regard for what is considered impressive by society's standards. Doing the latter made me utterly miserable (and pretty unhealthy too, fwiw).

Looking at other people's lives is a good way to get perspective on our own. I agree with pps who've said you can start by making some small changes. If you want to read more, just turn off the tv 30 mins earlier and do it. It's hardly a big investment.

People are different. I'm astounded when people say that in pursuit of a lower-stress life, they buy a fixer-upper and renovate it themselves. I can't imagine anything more stressful for me.

Yes purple I agree with the down sides too. I have contact with students for a few hours a day so that’s nice.
I was able to get a puppy too as I’m home a lot. I realise it’s handy to do something that can be done partly from home.
I think big mortgages are a big drain on people. Probably unavoidable in the South but more a life choice in the North.

purple I wasn't saying it was always the case that DH funds a stripped back life, but it is OFTEN times the case.

@windygallows fair enough. I just don't think this is a MN issue and I don't think there is anything smug about reevaluating your life and changing things up.