to envy my friends stripped back life?

[lifeontheotherside]

I am just back from visiting my friend over the weekend and was struck by how lovely her life is compared to mine. She lives in an excouncil house in a semi rural area, with beautiful woods and countryside on her doorstep, she doesn't have a job but works from home part time on a hobby that also provides her an income. Her husband has a professional job, earns a good wage and they live well below their means so they always have money for treats and luxuries like a couple of holidays a year, nice skincare, books etc without buying into a lifestyle they don't want. She has quite a stripped down social calander and only makes time for people and things she really likes.

She seems to have the time to bake cakes, cook from scratch daily, read, exercise, have quality time with her husband. She looks about 15 years younger than me and I am the same age! I live in the city and juggle fulltime work, a 5 year old, my relationship, my social life, parents etc all on the fumes of my empty tank. My rent is very expensive for a pokey flat and even though I live in the city I spend hours a day commuting to and from work!

When I get home I don't even want to think about food so my diet is crap and I have no time for the gym. I feel like I am missing my son growing up and the stress of everything I have to do means I often don't enjoy my life very much. I can feel a sense of satisfaction if I meet a deadline or if my son seems happy but its mostly short lived as there is always something else to cope with!

My husband and I don't spend a lot of time together. I tend to veg out infront of some crap telly while he is on his laptop. We both like to be social and put pressure on ourselves to always be out doing something and challenging ourselves but again we just end up dragging ourselves through things we are meant to enjoy rather than truly enjoying it.

For many years I felt my friend was living a very limited life but now I can see that she was trying to make a life that would satisfy her and be a life she could actively enjoy instead of running around always on the go, too busy to really experiance it.

When I look around at my friends and workmates it seems like most people are just always on the go, exhausted, using or food to cope, not having the time or energy to enjoy their loved ones and children or to just be. I envy my friend her ability to see all that at a young age and take her life in a different direction but I think i'd be too scared to follow suit. I know I depend on my job for my identity and self worth, I worry that if our lives slowed down my marriage would fail or that I wouldn't have the inner recources to make a life for myself outside the mainstream life script.

I thought i was succeeding but now at 40 I wonder if I really made any choices at all. Does anyone else feel like this?

Being too busy damages my mental health. I'm just the kind of person who needs space to think and breath.
So I only see friends who mean a lot to me and most evenings are cosy with my DH.
I have three kids and I'm a Sahm but I've recently got hugely into fitness and on course to becoming an instructor and being able to run classes.
Yes I'm lucky but we have cut back in ways to allow this. One car, cheaper rural area, not a lot of nights out. We go abroad once a year but it's camping.
I'm very happy tbh

Your friend has realised that rushing around and 'keeping up with the Jones' really doesn't matter. 'Things' that we acquire don't matter. The successful career is ok but not at the expense of a marriage/time with children/health etc …. many don't realise that until much older - she got their earlier than most.

Our Society tells you that you must - go to University, get the highest paying 'best' job, get this, have that.... the latest/the best etc. Rushing around saying how busy we are is a badge of honour for some - foolish they are but they don't realise it.

Take a leaf out of her books and look at your life and strip back what you don't enjoy or need and start making changes to make it better for you and not for what 'society perceives as important..good luck

The saddest part of this post , you only feel it's your job gives you self worth and and identity

Yes, that stood out to me too. It's quite sad really.

Takes all sorts to make a world, the other man's/woman's grass is always greener, etc, etc.

But I bet if you could see behind the net curtains when she's having a bit of an off day....? Need I say more?

I agree with Boulty. Your friend has just realised, earlier than most, that there's more to life than the trappings of success - fancy house, nice car, holidays, great social life, career status etc. and that there's a lot to be said for a simpler life focussed on community,, family, close friends and developing your interests and doing something you enjoy.
There are lots of ways of stripping back your life that don't necessarily involve moving to the country and living on your creative skills. Maybe start focussing on some of these for the moment eg could you get involved in some community activity during your free time? Could you resolve to keep this Christmas a bit more about family, community and simple celebrations and avoid the mass spending and socialising that has become the norm?

Sometimes you need to make changes slowly and gradually, to eventually create a lifestyle that makes you happy.

I find the "stripped back social life" bit interesting because this isn't about material wealth. Is a less is more approach to socialising fulfilling? I don't know whether I'd be happier with more time in. I rather suspect not, but perhaps I don't have that hectic a social life as it is.

It's a lot easier to have this kind of stripped back life with no children and a DH who earns well enough to let you have a part time job based on your hobby (and works in an sector that means you can live semi rurally in an area with council houses available). It's good if you can be inspired, but also don't judge yourself if what works for her doesn't work for you right now.

windygallows I totally agree with you. I say that as someone who said that my DH earns well giving us choices.

Our lifestyle is purposely planned out. We sat down during our engagement and discussed these things. DH talked about the pressure of being the breadwinner being a lot for him. After DD1 was born we changed plans when I was laid off from work. I went out and got another job 6 months later. It didn't work for us for me to stay home.

Having DC is also a lot of work and extremely expensive. I'm home today because the baby threw up all over me for 4 hours last night. In my new job I'm able to take the day off and look after her. Ironically I get paid more now than I did working for a big4 accounting firm that went on and on about flexible working and being supportive of working mothers. My new employer doesn't talk but acts. It's family first every single time.

Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Your life is good too - filled with friends and family who love you x

I didn't marry a big earner though; my DH was a charming wastrel. But he was happy to let me stay at home with our kids and manage the domestic side of things while he worked. And being able to focus on his career 100% definitely played a large part in his career success because suddenly, he started doing really well. And our evenings and weekends were always relatively chore free, fun and relaxing.

I could've gone back to work: I earned more than DH before I quit. But loads of my salary would've been swallowed up by childcare for four, a second car, domestic help, naice clothes for work, easy food and treats to cheer myself up. So I stayed at home, then helped DH part time in his business.

Obviously mumsnet considers this a huge gamble, but it has paid off for me.

@longestlurker I've just been baking. There are three of us left at home now, the only one who really eats pudding is the teen son. Yet I've made enough apple crumble to feed the street. Crumble anyone?

I've got to bake a cake tonight too. I don't mind it, but don't especially want to build a life around it! A bit more time lounging around reading books would be nice but really I could do this anyway if a) I didn't spend so much time on the internet and b) the girls have me a moment's peace if i am home! Get more reading done on the tube than at home!

In defence of a busier lifestyle - the thought of leaving London and living in the country fills me with anxiety. I love my job, the colleagues, deciding whether to have Vietnamese or Swedish food for lunch, the ability to pop to a show or meet a friend after work. Uber loves me. All that goes when you move out. Running an allotment and baking is not for everybody....

To be fair I don't have a big interest in baking a cake!

I'm in love with my instapot and baking things like lasagna and chicken pot pie. I made a chicken chili this past weekend with the DC. I have two instapots I run at the same time so I can batch cook. Was very proud that I made 3 evening dinners, 5 lunches for DD and 3 lunches for me.

I have a busier/busy lifestyle but I think I've managed to find a good balance.

I live in the city, it’s not a countryside thing,

I don't think it's a countryside thing either, it's having time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it.
It also has nothing to do with baking cakes or reading, it's just the activities the OP friend has chosen.

I had been simplifying my life for a number of years and I'm so glad. The thing that I find the hardest is cutting back on social contacts.

I don't think that socialising with me is the be all and end all but I still struggle to let people know that I won't be meeting up with them. I mean I do let them know but I feel uncomfortable about it. I have 2 ex colleague friends who I worked with off and on for nearly 10 years. After they left and the conversaion was paired down to no longer focus on shared work interests I learned that all they speak about, understandably, are the new main focuses of their lives, and I don't share those interests. It's not something you can know until the situation arises, like making by friends at any event, when the event ends the friendship may or may not carry on. I persevere beyond the discomfort so that I can use my time as meaningfully as possible but it's awkward.

Yes I know what you my Romany but I think there are limited number of activities that fall into the "simple life," camp ( ie don't require, travel, money, other people). Some people find them more fulfilling than others. The OP seemed to admire her friend's ability to find pleasure in the simple things, and I do too, but I wonder how easy it actually is to do.

It is great to have this 'sign post' to let you know what you think is success.

Longest

It wasn't your example of cake baking, it just seems to run through the thread, and seemed like some couldn't think of any other simple things to do.

My day consists of a bit of social media, contacting/visiting family (ds1 has 2 week old baby), I enjoy gardening, listening to music, study, walk in the park, bargain hunting and my favourite Ancestry, I spend far too many hours on there.
I don't have time to work outside the home

I have a cheeky few hours to myself every Friday and I like swimming, reading in the garden (this is a summer activity), mooching round charity shops and andffee with random people in the weird cafe down the road where everyone sits at a big table and chats. And the odd bit of piano practice, but as you know from another thread that's limited!

The OP seemed to admire her friend's ability to find pleasure in the simple things, and I do too, but I wonder how easy it actually is to do. You can bake cakes, cook from scratch, read books and exercise in the city - I do. You can choose to watch crap tv and be on your screen in the country (I probably would as there are not so many places to go out to after dark in the winter).

Yes I know. That comment was more a response to Romany's comments that it wasn't all about cakes and reading.

The reason my personal downsizing dream involves a move out of London is because I am sitting on quite a lot of equity in the house that I could potentially release if I moved somewhere cheaper, which would mean I need to work less. That might be another city, but i do also fantasise about life by the sea.

I am sitting on quite a lot of equity in the house that I could potentially release if I moved somewhere cheaper - entirely logical and a good idea. I always have this in the back of mind - whether we'd actually make the move if push came to shove is another matter.

longest

Seriously, you don't want to move away from London, are you mad
So many opportunities for music for your dc.
I'm not saying they don't exist anywhere else, but like anything else in London multiply by 100.

I can see why you would want to though, we were talking about selling ours and renting whilst we bought 3 houses with the money. One to live in and others to let. Not talking of the South prices though, we are cheap NW. Not sure we have the nerve now.