To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

[Pompom42]

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

Loft conversion? Sorry if this has been said already, haven’t RTFT.

MrsFezziWig
Some great points. Apparently people are saying it's the norm to have a bedroom each now.
When I was growing up people shared.
I have a 9 year gap and their bedroom isn't small I think it's more to do with the area in which we live.
My 13 year old knows some of her friends share

and you do. one long room downstairs that is combined dining room and living room, not two separate rooms. replying to the person who said she studied in the dining room. your dd cant. you don't have one. you have a table and chairs at one end.

i'm sorry you are not open to considering other viewpoints.

BackforGood that strategy can backfire though! My 16yo loves nothing better than to get his analytical ASD brain into the nitty gritty of our finances and lambast us for "spaffing out cash" (his choice of words) on things like coffee out with friends or a new phone case or a takeaway when he doesn't personally fancy one. He told me last weekend that he thought it was very disrespectful of us not to make him a full equal partner when it comes to managing the family finances, since he is more than intelligent enough to understand them and our fiscal choices affect him as much as us.

Still mulling over that one.

OP you're asking if you're unreasonable, and when people say yes, you're sniping at them. Why ask if your not prepared to hear the answer?

I agree with all the previous posters that it's not fair for a 13yo girl to share a room with a 3yo, unless in a situation of serious poverty where it can't be helped, which based on your responses, isn't your situation.

Other posters have given their experiences of growing up with the same setup and resenting their mum. If I were your daughter I would resent it hugely, and want to leave home a.s.a.p. when I turn 18. Especially if you're as critical of her in person as you seem to be on here. Wanting your own space at 13 is far from "spoiled", it's very unfair to view her concerns like that.

I would do anything to ensure my 13yo daughter didn't have to share a room with a sister that much younger than her through her teenage years, and that includes all the suggestions people have made here - having the 3yo in with you on a permanent basis in the bigger room (including her clothes etc) so the 13yo can have the small room to herself, setting up a bed in the living room for yourself (could put a divan type single with a proper matress which has a throw and cushions on in the day so it looks like a day bed), cut out unnecessary spending (of which you seem to have a lot) to save for an extension or to move house. Etc etc. (I don't see why you're tied to this bungalow and can't move house under any circumstances). The list is quite endless.

Bottom line is you sound like you think your daughter should be grateful just for being born and for you providing her with food and clothes etc, all of which are very basic requirements as a parent. I agree with PP that despite all this "making memories" nonsense, her overriding memory of her teenage years will be having to share a room with her tiny sister and having a mum who didn't understand or listen to her, and the pain that caused, rather than a few trips to Spain. But why even ask when you clearly don't want to hear that?

OP, to me it sounds like you have got the best home you can afford - and it sounds really lovely! I don’t think it’s essential for kids to have their own room. As for the small house comments, I would sit her down and kindly show her how some kids her age around the world live and entertain no more complaints about the house you have.

Teenagers need a room separate from their toddler siblings. Op the only reason you have given against this is that you have bought a bunk bed. But its clear from your post this isn't a financial issue.

So just sell the bunk beds and give your daughter the single room, problem solved. Its like you dont want a solution.

What is the REAL issue?

well said smallplant

cuckooclocks - my issue with this isn't room sharing but having somewhere quiet and private to go to enable studying.

as for your last comment it reminded me of the dinner ladies at school telling you about "all the little starving children in Africa who would be glad for those scraps" It wont make a jot of difference to do this to a 13 year old living in a naice area, it really wont.

also I have to add... PAIN??? Caused by sharing a room with a little sister? Really? Kids do not need a room to themselves, it’s a nice to have. Some of the posts here trying to convince OP she’s somehow ruining her DDs life by making her share are ridiculous. I shared with siblings and my overriding memory of my teenage years is certainly not that I was “in pain” from having to share a bedroom.

agree cuckoo. did you have somewhere else to study like a separate dining room?

Of course it's a problem for her she's 13 and has to share a room with a 3 year old. It doesn't make her spoilt it's quite normal for her to wish for her own room.
She understands the situation but doesn't stop her wanting her own room.

It will become more of a problem when she's 16 and shares with a 6 year old. And she's 18 and shares with an 8 year old.

You still haven't said why a loft extension isn't possible when so many bungalows have them.

Mummymeister, so what if it doesn’t? Kids need to learn at some point that some people have it better and some people have it worse. it’s not as if the child is crammed into a bedsit with 3 other siblings. Even if OP moved house there would be a myriad of other things that all her friends have but she doesn’t.
As for study areas, the younger one can do her homework at the dining table if the elder prefers the bedroom.

I was the eldest and studied in the shared bedroom. The younger kids were in the lounge usually. Parents made sure they didn’t bother me. It was fine. By the time I was doing A levels I was studying in the school library a lot too.

I'd point out to her how lucky she is to have somewhere to live, meals provided and a family around her. I'd make her watch some documentaries about how plenty of other people have to live, in shanty towns, in favellas etc. Plenty of kids share.

What nonsense. Of course they should understand that there are millions of people living in terrible conditions with no running water but she's 13 she's not going to want to stop wanting her own room because some people live in favellas.

So to the posters in MN wanting to know which Farrow and Ball colour to paint their kitchen we should say how dare you want to decorate your house because there's people who live in shanty towns

You should acknowledge your dds feelings about the situation. You might not agree with them but that's what happens when you get teenagers they get their own thoughts. Telling them to shut up because they're lucky to have somewhere to live and food to eat isn't really the way to go.

Back to your original post of what you can say to her

Commiserate and say yes wouldn’t it be lovely to have a bigger house and your own room. Have a chat about what she dreams of. She will be heard and know you understand even if you can’t do anything about it now or ever.

Like Hannnnnn said, "If sharing a bedroom with a 3 year old is no big deal as you insinuate, why [doesnt she stay] in your bedroom?"

I don't think expecting a teen to share with a toddler is reasonable. You are the adult, you should be the one making the sacrifice here. She has about 5 years left before she likely will leave for uni - these are formative years - how you expect her to study, read, perhaps develop a hobby or interest in music or writing in a small house with no privacy and a toddler underfoot? This decade-younger daughter is your responsibility- I don't think you should foist her off on your teen at this critical stage in her life.

Yes I stand by "pain"... Obviously I meant emotional pain. Do you not remember the raging hormones of being a teenage girl and even some "small" things seeming like a MASSIVE deal and hard to cope with? Did you never cry with frustration as a teenager when something seemed unfair?

I'm sure you all shared a shoebox with your ten siblings and had a great upbringing, but in reality, for a teenage girl to share with a small child (not a sister close in age who she can share interests with etc), and all that comes with that... no privacy, no having phone calls to friends without your sister overhearing, dealing with periods, no friends sleeping over in her bedroom, no trying on outfits and being naked without a small child barging in, no boyfriends over,
struggling to study, not even being able to watch a film in your room with the sound on at 9pm, because you have a baby sister who needs to sleep... She will be restricted from lots of parts of being a teenage girl. Do you really not remember wanting privacy and alone time as a teenage girl?

I can see some people here (including OP) won't be convinced.. that's fine. You do you.
I'll just be over here providing my daughter with personal space when she's going through puberty and having a child who doesn't resent me

If no one needs their own room why does the OP need one as an adult she choose to have children so should she not have to share as it is all her choice on how many rooms said house can have / how many holidays etc.

Oh and we had 3 holidays in 16 years. We used that money to extend our house for the dcs to have their own rooms because after the weeks holiday they had to live in the house for the other 358 days of the year. We had holidays after we did all the other things we had to do.
I know all about life being too short as my dd was seriously ill, but we still chose to give them their own room over going on holiday because that's what they wanted. They knew they couldn't have everything and that was more important to them so we all did without holidays.

I don't suppose it was 'ungrateful child's choice for you to have a child who you don't have space for.

Second the sofa-bed-in-living-room suggestion. 'Paying all the bills' doesn't, IMO, give priority over reasonable needs, and children have more of a need of separate space than adults (as for children that is really their only space; adults have the rest of the house).

I’m sorry but what a load of shite! The thread has probably moved on from this but I couldn’t get over this stupid comment on the first page.

don't worry.kids do this.even 13 year olds in their own room complain their mates are bigger or better colour etc.i bet I did!
could you sit down with her nicely...take her out for coffee or get a pizza in and just have an honest convo with her.she is 13 at that age this is the stuff she should start to understand.tell her you wish she could have more but it isn't possible. and tell her also the guilt isn't helping you all deal with it.
what could you do if anything? could you get some of those voil curtain(material) and do some draping in some way so its split.
pompom42 you can get on amazon net curtain wire for 1.90. that can literaly be pinned across the roof and creat a voil/net screen for her.
if money is an issue even getting some cheap wood or hell big opened out cardboard boxes to creat some sort of split into the room.or a little area in the lounge to put her a desk space that's just hers.
otherwise talk to her.yes we can all have a good moan at our situaions when they are less than what we would love.but then you stop.you know nothing can change and you just be dam grateful for what ur parents are doing all they can.

You don't need to get rid of the bunk beds though? Why don't you sleep on one of the bunk beds and let your teen have the small room.

don't suppose a xmas option is one of those sheds in the back garden?
make her space priority at times.so say she will have such and such time where no one enters.or if she puts sign on door this means she needs her own time.