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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:23

Walkingdeadfangirl

There's bunk beds in that room

OP posts:
Yabbers · 04/11/2018 23:25

pompom42

Of course it isn’t.

Neither is actually listening to your daughter and showing some empathy apparently.

Badcat666 · 04/11/2018 23:26

ohhh OP, if they are in bunk beds, how about curtains across each one?

I had this when I moved to bunk beds sharing with 2 of my sisters (3 in a box room with one bed built up over the stairwell bit) waits for some ppl on this thread to pop their monocle out at the thought of that

We all had fabric as curtains (which we all picked out) so we could all pull them across and have our own private space.

Could also mean the little one will still sleep if the older one has the lights on for reading etc.

Hannnnnnnxo · 04/11/2018 23:28

Sorry OP but I’m with your daughter here. If I’m being frank, what’s the point in popping out babies if you can’t afford to raise them? If sharing a bedroom with a 3 year old is no big deal as you insinuate, why isn’t she in your bedroom?

If your 13 year old’s friends live in nice houses, of course your daughter will feel like an outcast - it’s just her reality at this point. I’m not saying that you should move and get into debt to keep up with the Joneses, absolutely not - but at the very least you can make her home life more comfortable by taking her feelings into account. 13 and 3 are completely different ages, there’s no way that a 13 year old can really have her own space with her 3 year old sister’s stuff everywhere. They even share a wardrobe??

You can’t expect this living arrangement to last forever, else your elder daughter will move out at her first possible opportunity (18 for uni?) and never look back! Then you’ll complain about how nasty she is and how she never calls/spends time with you😂

CommanderDaisy · 04/11/2018 23:28

I am not a believer in martyrdom for the sake of a child.
Do not go down the avenue of parking yourself on a sofa bed in the lounge. Although there are a few posters completely convinced that is fine, I totally disagree.
Children need to learn that sometimes life circumstances mean that they can't have what they want, by pandering to them you teach them the lesson that they are more important than everyone else. Adults need space as well, and usually more so as a break from the mental load of working, looking after kids, doing all life admin and sharing every other space with their children 24/7. That load is far heavier than than a teenager wanting to keep up with the Jones.

If she's old enough to be finding real estate options, then she's old enough to learn bit about your families finances and why you can't live like her mates in big fancy houses. I think you may be giving some mixed messages with the amount of money you spend on her re clothes etc as well. Stop spending a fortune on clothes for her that won't last a season. Or stop the holidays and save for a new place. Making memories is a bit redundant , as most kids when they are adults don't really have a full recollection of all the trips / experiences they have had any way especially little kids and early teens. Fancy overseas trips are a luxury, again perhaps you are sending her mixed messages about what money is available.

My kids shared for years. It was only after we moved to a cheaper area that they got their own rooms. They moaned all the time, but they dealt with it because they had to. My husband would've laughed anyone out of the building if they suggested we sleep in the lounge so our precious darlings could each have their own room.

Life is tough, you can't always get what you want. The sooner a child learns this the better.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:28

Yabbers

It isn't. Not sure what you mean don't you believe me or you just think I don't want one?
Think what you want.
I'm sure you mean well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:29

Hannnnn
Haven't you read any of the post?
Rude you are. Make me sick

OP posts:
Rachelover40 · 04/11/2018 23:29

Why is an extension not an option? There are loads of bungalows around that have bits built on, either above or out the back.

BackforGood · 04/11/2018 23:30

I agree with Yabbers.
At 13 "it's not fair" is a pretty common phrase heard by all parents. You clearly have quite a bit of money to splash around, considering all the things you've mentioned on this thread. Great, I'm pleased for you, but now she's beginning to notice things she doesn't have, it's time to start conversations with her about choices.... explain how many years she'd have to go without a holiday and Netflix and big TVs and her Mum buying a £120 coat for her and 2 pairs of boots on the same day, for you all to save up for the next sized up house. Then see if, together you can think of a way to make her feel a bit happier - dividing the room in some way seems pretty sensible to me - again, if she has some bespoke bed that means this can't happen, maybe let her choose how important this is, and let her know you could afford it by the Spring if you stop spending o X, Y, or Z. Let her have some say maybe.
Importantly though, let her know you empathise that it isn't ideal, and, if together you can work a way of making it better, then you will

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 04/11/2018 23:31

I know you’re doing your best here but it’s totally U to expect a 13 yo share a bedroom with a 3 yo, sorry.
I don’t think she’s spoilt at all

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/11/2018 23:31

Pompom42 Can you not sleep in the bottom bed of a bunk-bed? If not can you not put another bed in the double room that you can sleep in?

Would the bunk bed fit in the single room for your teenager so you can use the double room for your toddler & yourself. If you cant afford a new bed there are plenty of free-cycle websites which donate them. Sounds like your DD would prefer a bedroom rather than a £120 coat.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:32

BackforGood

Save for next sized house????
I don't understand

OP posts:
Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:34

CommanderDaisy

She normally has a coat 3 years. Why do you say won't last a season?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:36

Walkingdeadfangirl
Bunk bed wouldn't fit in single room.
Didn't say I can't afford a bed but if you'd paid out £1,000 on bunk beds that we'd all agreed on would you just be getting rid of it to get some recycled ones?

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 04/11/2018 23:38

OP is hardly "popping out babies" with gay abandon ffs. She's already said her circumstances have changed. She doesn't need to justify spending money on a coat for her child or a family holiday either, or explain why she can't build an extension.

Telling her her child won't want to spend time with her when she's older? Fuck off, Mystic Meg. You're not helping.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/11/2018 23:40

Bunk bed wouldn't fit in single room
Can you sleep in the bunk bed in the double room, or does sciatica stop that? Why cant you sell it and solve the problem for everyone?

Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:40

Greensleeves people don't read properly. Saying why isn't 3 year old in with you when I've already said she is.
Popping out babies? Hardly
No help are they?

OP posts:
suzy2b · 04/11/2018 23:42

When my son moved in with his dad,his girlfriend and her son ,my ex put up a stud wall to make 2 rooms it was easy to take down after he came home ,must say he is a builder ,but i know someone who had to share with there teenage daughter she put up a curtain to divide the room

owlshooting · 04/11/2018 23:45

I would it make it a permanent arrangement for the younger child to sleep in your room , at least for the next two or three years, and let your older girl have her own room . Your youngest won't mind for a while yet. I can totally understand why she would want her own room to invite her friends round and have some privacy. In my opinion, it isn't fair to expect her to do this unless there really is no other option. Keep the younger chid in with you.

mummymeister · 04/11/2018 23:45

where will your 13 year old be able to study in 3 years time when she is 16 and your youngest is 6? not in the dining room as this isn't separate from the lounge. in the kitchen?

If you think things are fraught now just wait until GCSE year. you need to find a workable solution now or provide her somewhere to study in peace and quiet if she cant do this in her room. You might want to save now for a nice garden shed where you put a table, chair and heating so she can go somewhere to study. I have some friends who did this as there was no other option and the den worked really well as well as not being that expensive to have.

You can get bunk beds made to fit in any size single room. google it and you will see there are a number of companies that build to size.

Rayn · 04/11/2018 23:46

Hi! My kids have always shared. They are loved and cared for and my eldest managed to get top grade GCSE ' s and A levels despite sharing a room!!
If they want friends to stop over we arrange in advance so the other one can sleep out or sleep downstairs. We made it a big thing! Late night films and popcorn!

Kids will always want more and if your daughter has her own room she would still find something else that she does not have. Don't feel bad as our children have a way of pulling heart strings!!
X

mummymeister · 04/11/2018 23:48

Rayn, whats the age gap with yours? the OPs is 10 years. I think it makes a difference.

LegallyBrunet · 04/11/2018 23:50

I can see why she might not like sharing a room with her younger sibling. I’m one of six and I was SIXTEEN when I finally got my own bedroom because my oldest brother moved out.

Original poster
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:50

mummymeister

I've just paid out for bunk beds to fit that room!
She doesn't need a room to study just separate area.
I work till 7.30 couple nights week, she can use that time to study from when she gets home at 4

OP posts:
augustboymummy17 · 04/11/2018 23:51

It sounds like she is using the sharing the room as an excuse and has seen her friends have bigger houses and more space ( teenage jealousy perhaps)? Especially if the 3 year old is never in there only sharing the wardrobe. Xx

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