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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think daughter is ungrateful/expects too much

865 replies

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 20:19

Have a teenage daughter she's 13.
She currently shares a bedroom with her younger sister. The younger sister is 3 but isn't really sleeping in there atm she still sleeps in my room with me.
We have a 2 bed bungalow which is not tiny but not large either. But we are all on the one floor so I appreciate we do get in each other's way at times.
Just recently she keeps saying to me "wish I didn't have to share a room with my sister".
Whilst it isn't ideal as I said youngest isn't sleeping in there. It's a nice room and was all decorated and new beds etc 2 years ago.
Now she's started saying "this house is tiny, when can we move?"
"All my friends houses are bigger, this house is really really tiny compared to theres"
I've said to her tonight I can't afford anything else. We live in a naice area and at the time it was this house or nothing. We have a drive and a garden and it's in a pretty village.
For some reason it's made me feel really upset. AIBU in thinking she's spoilt? Or is this normal teenage behaviour?
What about years ago when you had families of 6 children all living in a 3 bed house.
What can I say to her?

OP posts:
Alaaya · 04/11/2018 22:55

I'm another one who thinks that the age gap is probably the issue. 13 is very much the age when you want a private corner to retreat into, decorate with your posters, play your music, sit up late reading or whatever, which she can't do if her little sister is in the room with lights switched out at 7 pm. And it will get worse over the next few years. How will she be able to have friends over at 16 if there is nowhere to take them except the same room as her 6 year old sister?

I agree that at 13 she won't care about the garden and drive way. She'll care about not having private space to have a friend come over and hang out without parents or toddlers listening in.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 22:55

Greensleeves just brilliant!

OP posts:
Badcat666 · 04/11/2018 22:57

OP, do NOT Give up your bedroom. YOU are the adult and YOU need space as well. Why should an adult give up their only space so a child can get what they want when really all a bedroom really needs to be is somewhere to sleep in?

Plus the OP has spine problems so should her health be put at risk just so a teenager gets their own way?

Children at some point in their lives have to learn that life is not fair and they cannot get what they want every single time. Not every person can afford a bedroom for each person, such is life.

Millions of children have had to share a bedroom with much older or younger siblings and as one of them I turned out pretty damn fine.

Best bet is to split the room in half as others have suggested (which my parents did once my older siblings had moved out so myself and my younger brother could have our own space. Dad and brother put up a stud wall with a small corridor and 2 temp doors. We both started off with bunk beds (so friends could stay over) but was just brill!)

And children do not need their own bloody bedroom for studying. Believe it or not people you just need a quiet corner of the house to do this, not some bloody dedicated room. She can do this in the bedroom/ mums room/ kitchen or living room, wherever is the quietest. Its not like the house is over run with people, there will always be a quiet place to study in there.

As for privacy well you find a private space anywhere really. on the sofa listening to music or reading/ sitting at the kitchen table/ even lying on a bean bag/ floor. I ever much doubt a 3 year old spends all their time in the bedroom anyway.. they just sleep in it so she will have plenty of "private time" in the bedroom until it's the little ones bedtime.

Even when she is older its going to be a lot easier with a much younger sibling that one nearer her own age. At 5 her little sister will not be borrowing her clothes/ make up/ having screaming matches with her for losing an earring... just might ask her to play with her every now and then. :)

And she doesn't need a special dedicated outdoor space either. What is she going to be like when she leaves home and finds out that she has to flat share and she has only a tiny room to call her own? Will the OP have to go and build her a special "outdoor space" for her as well?

As the the not thinking 5k is much money.. does she have no concept of money and prices? then you need to sit her little bottom down and show her the real cost of living. Do a spreadsheet of what comes in and goes out.

Then get a nice big red pen and strike through all the things you will not be able to afford just so you can get a bigger house so she can have her own room.

No new coats/ no holidays/ no birthday or xmas presents/ no pain meds for when mums back gets bad/ none of the food she likes/ no games/ no mobile phone/ no internet or netflix..... plus she won't be able to have any of her friends over to stay in her new room as you can't now afford a car and you will have to move 20 miles away just to afford a 3 bedroom property and she would have to move schools etc etc etc...

My mum and dad did this when my middle sister started to act up and complain about not getting what she wanted and wanting more pocket money, she soon shut up and even went and got a paper round.

FascinatingCarrot · 04/11/2018 22:57

Ah @Greensleeves
Thats shit, sorry lass

Yabbers · 04/11/2018 22:57

pompom42

Wrong to suggest you listen, empathise, understand your teen, going through teen stuff, sharing a room with a 3 year old, because you have decided you have better priorities than her?

If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Life is hard and unfair and kids have to accept that. But at the very least they deserve to be heard and understood.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 22:57

Alayaa I only mentioned garden and driveway as in my mind it's better than a flat.
In summer the girls love the garden and use the trampoline

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 22:59

Yabbers when did I say I have better priorities than her?
I haven't said that at all

OP posts:
lifetothefull · 04/11/2018 22:59

I agree with her that it would be better to have her own room, however that’s not possible. She’s not spoilt, just expressing an opinion. Empathise with her. You probably agree too. You would probably like to be in a situation where that were possible. She just needs to know that you understand and you would do something if you had money. Let her tell you that it’s not fair and agree with her. Then help her to think of the positives and talk about being happy with what you have.

E20mom · 04/11/2018 23:01

She doesn't sound spoilt. She's just letting you know how she feels.

Waterparc · 04/11/2018 23:01

“Have you not got a dinning room that you can use for a bedroom?”

This thread needs to be in the Marie Antoinette museum of mumsnet shame based on that remark and the “but why do you live in a bungalow?” corker.

OP, have you considered being richer?

Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/11/2018 23:02

Why should an adult give up their only space so a child can get what they want when really all a bedroom really needs to be is somewhere to sleep in?

For an adult its only a place to sleep in, for a teenager its their whole life / personal space. The adult had a choice the teenager didn't. Who needs the space more?

PurpleNovember · 04/11/2018 23:03

@pallisers who said I have money? I don't. And that's why I don't have children, and I won't have children unless I have a house and enough money, bedrooms etc first. If I never have this, I won't have kids. It's something I feel quite strongly about as I don't want to have an unnecessarily hard life after growing up in a family with more kids than the parents could afford.

But I know others have different priorities, circumstances change etc and I am not bashing the OP or anyone else as life is complicated and circumstances change. I'm just saying how I feel personally, for my own life.

masktaster · 04/11/2018 23:04

What is she going to be like when she leaves home and finds out that she has to flat share and she has only a tiny room to call her own?

I don't recall having to share my bedroom in my grotty student houses. and all of them were bigger than the room I lived in in my parents' house.
It would be her own, no extras needed

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:05

Waterparc funny as someone else asked me the other day why I live in a bungalow.
I wouldn't think to ask someone that. My dads brother lived in a bungalow years ago and it was huge.
Prices are so expensive in Essex whether you rent or buy. Most houses round here £450,000-£9,000
Affluent area with good networks to London and main roads

OP posts:
Allgirlskidsanddogs · 04/11/2018 23:09

It sounds like she finds the idea of sharing with a much younger sibling very hard. I can understand her POV and yours, I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable.

Could you offer a compromise? Would it be possible for her to swap rooms with you? Offer her the choice of staying where she is, sharing but with space, or swapping for privacy but with less space. If you are happy to offer her the choice it comes with the condition that whichever choice she makes there is to be no more moaning about it.

Good luck.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:10

Walkingdeadfangirl what choice are you saying I had?
I would give up my room just can't sleep on a sofa bed as have sciatica

OP posts:
Cromercrab · 04/11/2018 23:12

OK, OP, didn't realise you have sciatica (although it is possible to get really good sofabeds with very smooth mechanisms, but you need to spend a fair bit). But if you will suffer without an orthopaedic mattress and can't face the daily routines required by a sofabed, then give the teenager the single room, you share with the three-year old in the double room. Twin beds? Declutter so that the house is really efficient. Get everyone involved in the compromises that are required to live in a smaller space AND continue to have nice experiences. it's a good message - more important to do things than have things, but you can also work things around to make the most of what you have. Teen can be really proud of her new private space.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:12

Allgirlskidsanddogs

Yes just not sure about the bed situation. They have bespoke bunk beds in their room that were especially made for that room with hidden storage

OP posts:
shiningstar2 · 04/11/2018 23:12

Are you a single parent op or are you sharing your room with a partner?
If you are on your own do you have the bigger or smaller bedroom? If you currently have the bigger room would it be possible to swop so that there is more room for each daughter to have space and possible have a divider to give your eldest a feeling of more private space?

Mummymummums · 04/11/2018 23:16

As you've said it's a large double room couldn't it have a partition wall? To make two small rooms? As they use bunks it'd need a change of beds but sounds like it'd be a solution.

Yabbers · 04/11/2018 23:18

pompom42

You prefer to “make memories” than to consider whether saving that money could pay for an extension to help solve the problem. Better priorities.

Notjustanyone · 04/11/2018 23:18

My brothers had to share and they are only two years apart. They did not like that at all and my parents did everything they could to give them a room each. In the end my dad converted the loft into another bedroom all on his own. Mammoth task but it helped a lot.
I always got the crappy box room until my eldest sibling left home and then I was moved into the next biggest room. My mum moved our rooms around a lot when our needs changed! I think we changed rooms yearly if not 6 monthly. What we really needed was a bigger bloody house so no one had to move if they took up a new hobby or dropped one! Total nightmare it was.

Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:20

Their room has a built in wardrobe in it. A concrete one so not a freestanding one.
The bunk beds cost me £1,000 as especially made so not sure about a divider or buying new beds.
Arghhhh it's so hard

OP posts:
Pompom42 · 04/11/2018 23:21

Yabbers extension isn't an option I'm afraid
Holidays are fun family times.
Teenager wants to go on holiday believe me. She'd be kicking off about that too

OP posts:
Walkingdeadfangirl · 04/11/2018 23:21

what choice are you saying I had?
As I said, why not give your teenager the single room (it really matters to them). I dont see what is so bad about a single adult sharing with their beloved baby/toddler for a few years. I shared with my DC until they where around 9-10 (cant remember exactly how old).

What is the big deal for you having 2 beds in the double room? It wont affect your sciatica. You only use your bedroom to sleep because you use your living room to relax, a teenager only has one refuge.

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