To wish people would stop insisting I should be trying to be in a couple

[dawnacorns]

I'm a lp and have been for years. Pretty happy with how things stand after an abusive marriage, have found out what I enjoy, made new friends and travelled a bit. Also, I don't fancy a blended family tbh. Nothing wrong with it, just don't fancy the aggro of it.
One or two friends just keep on about meeting someone, why don't I, etc. I've said I'm fine as I am. If I happened one day to meet someone lovely then great. If not then I'm fine as I am. Yet it doesn't seem to be enough and every time I see them they are on about it. Or about single people being too picky, or other variations. Why don't they just stop it. Or AIBU

I do think that there is an element of double standards though as men who go about saying women are only good for shagging but no way would I want to live with one do not get "oh yeah I'm so with you man" type responses.

I think if you regard 50% of the population as being "only good for shagging" then yeah you do have a problem with them, whether that be men or women. However, if you say that you want casual relationships for sex but don't want a serious, long-term relationship then that's absolutely fine, provided you are being honest with everyone involved. Again, that goes for both men and women.

I guess people realise that their kids will grow up and move away one day, their friends have their own lives to live etc. If you are truly happy on your own then that's different to saying I don't need a man because I have my kids/friends I think.

People will poke their noses in where they're not wanted and it can be very annoying.

Just say, firmly, that you really like being single at the moment.

I think some people genuinely believe being in a couple is nice and in a fairly altruistic way worry that you’re missing out on something, but many others are disappointed with their relationship and frustrated that they’re missing out on something and they want you to be miserable too. Because it’s sort of invalidating isn’t it?

Violet I find that as well. It's noticeable that their husbands are quite uncomfortable with them spending time with happy single friends too.

Ive no fear of my children leaving home just because im si gle.

Like i said already the scariest thing i now realise was that once i thought i needed somebody to hold my hand.
I wouldnt want to be in that positiin now where losing a partner curtailed my life or made me feel loneliness

Why yy. They need people to be in relationships however unrewarding in order to validate their own situation. I find that saying I don't see relationships around me that I would want for myself does tend to stop the questioning (and is how I feel).

I had DC when i was youmg, morr invested in to meeting somebody. I did try. In the past i tried but it never worked out. I kind of feel the same about DC tho. I had them on autopilot. There were other paths. I was conventional in my younger years. It is not uncommon.

It's only my opinion, but all else being equal why wouldn't you want to have a sex life and companionship?

All else being equal, why would you want that?

I've been married and divorced twice. I have a DS who is in his last year of school and with me at the weekends and holidays.

For the past 12 years I've lived on my own, and I wouldn't change that. There really isn't a way that "all else can be equal ... (for) a sex life and companionship because if that means having a man in my life, my life would then be limited by that relationship.

Different people have different priorities. For those of us who prefer being single, sex and companionship are overtaken by other priorities.

All else being equal, why would you want that?

Exactly!

I think if you see relationships as something that fundamentally limits you or are a chore, then you are not getting out of them what you need or put in.

So I do understand that if that is your experience then you would be happier on your own, I've had such relationships in the past myself.

However I would say it is quite a cynical view of the world, all be it informed by experience. A clouded view.

“All honor and reverence to good men; but they and their attentions are not the only source of happiness on the earth and need not fill up every thought of woman. And when men see that women can exist without their being constantly at hand... it will perhaps take a little of the conceit out of some of them.” Emmeline Wells

(I’m not a Mormon I’m just watching a pbs film about The West and she popped up)

It's only my opinion, but all else being equal why wouldn't you want to have a sex life and companionship?

But if you are in a serious, long-term relationship, then all else can't be equal. If you have a partner, then that will mean that some of the things you used to do as a single person will be difficult or impossible. Some of us prefer independence and doing our own thing.

Oh, and you don't need to be in a serious relationship to have sex, or companionship either.

However I would say it is quite a cynical view of the world, all be it informed by experience. A clouded view.

No a realistic view, for many people, especially women.

And you seem to think that the only reasons people may want 'relationships' are healthy ones. Many people can't bear to be single because they feel it's frowned upon, or because they fear being alone. Surely that's a 'clouded view' too?

Surely that's a 'clouded view' too

It sure is.

This could have been a really interesting discussion and it's been derailed by defensive pathetic men who can't bear the thought of women not needing them.

LagerthaTheShieldMaiden

lol I don't care whether women don't want relationships with men or not. At least read the thread.

What I do care about is that some(it was actually one poster) of them apparently find the idea of a relationship with a man utterly repellent, but still feel entitled to have children. It's OK for their children to grow up without a dad because of their shitty attitudes to men. Despite the protestations that they have "no problem".

I don't support gay male couples using surrogates either for the same reasons.

If you don't want to be in a relationship and your friends wont accept that, like I say, maybe you ought to find new friends.

This could have been a really interesting discussion and it's been derailed by defensive pathetic men who can't bear the thought of women not needing them.

I agree. The whole conversation about women having babies through sperm donors is kind of a derail, since hardly any women actively choose to be single mothers. The vast majority of single mothers are not in this situation through choice.

Man comes on and tells woman she has problems with men. That’s about right

Just to explain quite clearly my own situation.

I havent had a bad experience with relationships. Ever.

I had a very positive 15 year relationship that resulted in a child. We remain the closest of friends.

Now I don’t want a relationship. Not as the default negative due to bad experiences but as a positive choice. I don’t fear my children leaving home or needing companionship.

I have created my own happiness. There is nothing more I need.

to that Jacques

This has been an interesting thread.
Fundamentally I think it boils down to people feeling threatened or defensive about others making different choices to them (whether that's being single, educating privately, living off-grid, wearing makeup, whatever). People tend to attack the things (or choices) they fear.

I am married to someone raised solely by a mother. He hasn't missed out in any way, because his mother is an incredible parent, and a wonderful person.

I don't support gay male couples using surrogates either for the same reasons.

What about lesbian couples?