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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people would stop insisting I should be trying to be in a couple

175 replies

dawnacorns · 04/11/2018 14:17

I'm a lp and have been for years. Pretty happy with how things stand after an abusive marriage, have found out what I enjoy, made new friends and travelled a bit. Also, I don't fancy a blended family tbh. Nothing wrong with it, just don't fancy the aggro of it.
One or two friends just keep on about meeting someone, why don't I, etc. I've said I'm fine as I am. If I happened one day to meet someone lovely then great. If not then I'm fine as I am. Yet it doesn't seem to be enough and every time I see them they are on about it. Or about single people being too picky, or other variations. Why don't they just stop it. Or AIBU

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 04/11/2018 17:21

YANBU. Have you spelt it out to them? I. Do. Not. Want. A. Man.

nicenewdusters · 04/11/2018 17:24

I tell people that it's a choice I've made, and my dc and I am happy as we are. I also remind them of the very unsubtle advances and flirting I experienced from married friends' husbands when I first became single. I tell them that this has somewhat influenced my opinion of men in general. As they don't know if I'm alluding to their husband they tend not to ask me again (in a couple of cases I was!)

I love my life as a single person, and genuinely am not waiting for the "right person." I do find it patronising, and it often comes from people I know couldn't be alone for an afternoon. I agree it's down to intense social conditioning, breaking free is liberating.

cardibach · 04/11/2018 17:40

DD is 2w and I’ve been on my own with her for 20 years. I have my own place, mortgage paid. It’s great. All that ‘being on your own when you’re old’ thing is bollocks. Being in a coup,e when you are younger in no way prevents that. People split up, your partner could die before you - I imagine that’s harder than being on your own and used to it.

cardibach · 04/11/2018 17:41

DD is 22 that should read.

GalateaDunkel · 04/11/2018 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
dawnacorns · 04/11/2018 18:32

I agree it's patronising and it also kind of implies you're not enough as you are. It is social conditioning I agree. I think it'll change in the future.

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 04/11/2018 19:05

Yes, it implies that something is missing in your life, that there's an incompleteness. I wonder if for some people the idea that other things or people, and not a relationship, might make another feel complete is just too weird or abstract an idea ? It's too nonconforming.

GalateaDunkel · 04/11/2018 19:21

I think for most people being in love is amazing and building a relationship with someone you love is about the best thing that happens to you in life.

So its not odd per se. that they assume everyone feels like that. They then wonder why someone would not want that which is why IME they begin questioning what is wrong with someone to not want it.

IcedPurple · 04/11/2018 19:27

They then wonder why someone would not want that which is why IME they begin questioning what is wrong with someone to not want it.

Isn't that a very narrow, even arrogant, way to look at the world though? To assume that there's something 'wrong' with someone just because they want different things in life?

I love being single. I don't understand why so many women compromise so much to have a man in their lives, especially as studies show that single women tend to be happier than married women. You only have to take a glance at the 'Relationships' board to realise that being partnered up isn't a guarantee of happiness, to put it mildy.

But then again, I know that not everyone wants what I want, nor should they. I fully accept that for many if not most people, being part of a couple is something to strive for. At the same time, I would expect that other people accept that for me and and many others, singledom is also a great way to live your life. Is that too much to ask?

JacquesHammer · 04/11/2018 19:32

They then wonder why someone would not want that which is why IME they begin questioning what is wrong with someone to not want it

Which would be a very arrogant assumption to assume your way is the right way!

Girliefriendlikesflowers · 04/11/2018 19:35

I think there is a general suspicion of single women, a lot of people think there is something odd about someone not wanting a relationship.

I've been single pretty much always, I'm nearly 40 and have a 12yo dd. I love having my own home and not having to worry about another person.

That said I can see the benefits of having a supportive partner, financial and emotional support would be nice!!

Original poster
dawnacorns · 04/11/2018 19:35

I think for most people being in love is amazing and building a relationship with someone you love is about the best thing that happens to you in life.

Genuinely pleased for you that you have this, but from looking around me I wouldn't say that is the case for most people I know or encounter

OP posts:
Brainfogmcfogface · 04/11/2018 19:52

I’m a lp and plan on staying that way. Relationships take time and effort and quite frankly the only ones getting that from me are my kid/s I can’t be arsed to deal with a mans needs, I’m devoted to raising mine well and that’s my focus, if I was to be in a relationship the other person would be miserable because I’d never put their needs anywhere near the top of the list. I’m very content where I am, confident in what I’m doing and loving life.

Original poster
dawnacorns · 04/11/2018 20:08

I agree brain dcs and my own needs take up all my energy anyway

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 04/11/2018 20:32

Galatae rather than questioning what is ‘wrong’ with those who care not a jot for being in a relationship, perhaps those who judge or question should either give it no more thought or perhaps wonder if single people have found the secret...

CoughLaughFart · 04/11/2018 20:46

I think for most people being in love is amazing and building a relationship with someone you love is about the best thing that happens to you in life.

Then surely you can understand why someone would prefer to stay single than settle for a relationship that doesn’t offer them that kind of happiness?

DaffoDeffo · 04/11/2018 20:51

I get it all the time

I have no single friends. 2 of my girlfriends are with absolute cocks because they couldn't bear being single. Quite frankly I would rather be on my own than in a shit relationship. But people do not stop asking when I am finding a man!

Singlenotsingle · 04/11/2018 20:58

Love that about getting a dog. A dog will love and adore you, make a fuss of you and never be unfaithful. It won't argue, will eat it's dinner uncomplainingly, and happily go out with you whenever and wherever.

GalateaDunkel · 04/11/2018 20:59

Sorry, to be clear I am not telling anyone how to live their life, just explaining why I think people say these things.

To address a few points...

Most adults will form the most significant relationships of their lives with a sexual partner. For heterosexual women, this will be a man. I would say that someone who does not value close relationships might be a little odd maybe ? A lot of people who have sworn off relationships do only do so temporarily, and they have tried in the past suggesting at one time at least they saw value in them.

There is no secret or effort involved in being single, it's the default position in life unless you want something different. Personally I think you only get out of life what you put in, and if you keep people at arms length then what you get out of a relationship will reflect that.

Being single because a relationship was not as good as you hoped is quite a different position to saying all relationships with men have nothing to offer me.

IcedPurple · 04/11/2018 21:06

I would say that someone who does not value close relationships might be a little odd maybe ?

What? So unless you want to be in a long-term relationship with a man you are 'odd'? What's wrong with independence and having other relationships that you value?

Personally I think you only get out of life what you put in, and if you keep people at arms length then what you get out of a relationship will reflect that.

In my experience, the people who most 'keep people at ams length' tend to be the smug marrieds. But you seem to think the only sort of relationship worth considering is heterosexual coupledom.

Being single because a relationship was not as good as you hoped is quite a different position to saying all relationships with men have nothing to offer me.

What if people are happy just as they are? What if they don't need a man to 'complete' them?

Not all of us are so needy, and a very good thing that is.

JacquesHammer · 04/11/2018 21:09

I’m not in a relationship because I’m not the slightest bit interested. I’m not incomplete or lacking because I actively choose to remain single.

Sex is taken care of on a very casual basis.

Original poster
dawnacorns · 04/11/2018 21:10

I don't think being single means you don't value close relationships though. You might have them with family and friends.
Having had a terrible or abusive or just generally not good enough relationships, and if you look around you and see friends making a lot of compromises or being treated badly just for the sake of being in a relationship, then it could alter your view of their value. I don't think attitudes are set in stone, it can change as you get older.
In reality as a lone parent there are practical issues to consider too, lack of time, not wanting a blended family being two.

OP posts:
SinglePringle · 04/11/2018 21:12

Galatae, blimey, you like to dig a deeper hole for yourself, don’t you!

A) it’s not odd to be single - people who are are an increasing demographic.

B) being single does take effort in a world geared towards couples. Especially in the face of attitudes such as yours.

C) I love how you do not see any irony in your post! ‘Not telling how to live a lofe’ Vs ‘it’s odd’

GreasyFryUp · 04/11/2018 21:14

@GalateaDunkel "There is no secret or effort involved in being single, it's the default position in life unless you want something different."

Bollocks. If it were the default position single people wouldn't be seen as odd. Couples are seen as the default.

GalateaDunkel · 04/11/2018 21:16

I'm not suggesting anyone stay in a bad relationship for fear of being single.

Casual sex is in my experience nothing like as good as with someone you find "all that", besides you get to have to whenever you want pretty much assuming your partner has a sex drive, no need to try and arrange a time and place with someone you have great interest in.

It's got nothing to do with being complete or any such cliches,I'm complete without my partner. But I'm happier with them than without.

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