To wish people would stop insisting I should be trying to be in a couple

[dawnacorns]

I'm a lp and have been for years. Pretty happy with how things stand after an abusive marriage, have found out what I enjoy, made new friends and travelled a bit. Also, I don't fancy a blended family tbh. Nothing wrong with it, just don't fancy the aggro of it.
One or two friends just keep on about meeting someone, why don't I, etc. I've said I'm fine as I am. If I happened one day to meet someone lovely then great. If not then I'm fine as I am. Yet it doesn't seem to be enough and every time I see them they are on about it. Or about single people being too picky, or other variations. Why don't they just stop it. Or AIBU

..and what I said was your opinion is that it is better for a child not to have a father that lives with them. Nothing about not liking men.

Galatea why do you refuse to see that everyone is different, and what suits one doesn't suit another?

Positive male role models who don't happen to be in a relationship with the mother are infinitely better than a bad role model who happens to be living in the same house. We get that you have the absolutely perfect relationship with the perfect man, bully for you, but that is LESS common than "OK-ish" or even poor relationships.

I am single at present, and likely to stay that way now. As a pp said, I'll never say never but I think it's unlikely that I'll find a man who I can put up with or will put up with me. I've been in love in the past but it never worked out, and looking back on things I can see that however much I may have had that feeling, it really wouldn't have worked out as a permanent arrangement.

I like my life the way it is, it suits me. I have people I love dearly, including an ex-DP who I now look on as a brother and he sees me like a sister, blood family, other friends, my cats. I can do what I want, when I want, with who I want. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I DO know I'm missing out on having to compromise to suit someone else, take their wants and needs into consideration, plan my time around them.

I am happy the way I am, you are happy the way you are. Other people are happy the way they live. Just accept that please.

Not the same as a dad though

She has a dad. She sees him regularly.

If i had a partner it wouldn't be "dad".

and what I said was your opinion is that it is better for a child not to have a father that lives with them

Again, you've assumed haven't you?

Increasing numbers of men are swearing off relationships with women, saying that it is not worth it and men would be absolutely crazy to consider a relationship with women and they should instead focus on themselves

I've heard this quite often from MRA types, but am yet to see any evidence. Even if it's true, men need to think carefully, because several studies have shown that the happiest demographics are single women and married men.

Such men are usually called losers on here and elsewhere. Misogynists even.

Not by me they're not. If you prefer to be single and aren't harming anyone in that choice, why the hell not, whether you are a man or a woman?

Love being single (although technically married but separated for at least 25 years, divorce is effort). I can’t think of anything bad about it, whereas marriage complicates and can compromise financial security. When you’re single you’re free to earn as much or as little as you want but cohabitation probably entails joint decisions about individual finances.

Mostly I think it’s just human nature to enjoy variety and nowhere more so than where schlong is concerned.

I’m quite old though, there was much more pressure to couple up when I was younger.

She has a dad. She sees him regularly.

You were talking about sperm donation. Are we to assume that you dont think your doing a child no harm by deliberately choosing to bring a child into the world without a father ?

You have said that you have no interest in living with a man. You have also said that you might have another child through donor sperm. It is reasonable to conclude from this that you do not think that a resident father is important to a child. At least have the guts to say it instead of this mealy mouthed 'you just assumed' nonsense.

I think the research that shows men are happier married than single is quite old now. If I separated or anything was to happen to my partner I certainly wouldn't look for a replacement, but I wouldn't assume that I would never fall in love or want to be with anyone ever again.

Are we to assume that you dont think your doing a child no harm by deliberately choosing to bring a child into the world without a father ?

No. I think there are lots of things that do a child harm, this isn't one of them.

It is reasonable to conclude from this that you do not think that a resident father is important to a child. At least have the guts to say it instead of this mealy mouthed 'you just assumed' nonsense

That isn't quite what you said. I don't believe a resident father is important. I believe an invested father is important. And in the absence of that I believe strong male role-models is perfecly fine.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions on this thread. Funnily enough in much the same way as other men I've spoken to who find happily-single women a little threatening.

If you're unable to accept that other people do things differently from you, might I suggest your thought processes need a little work.

Do I assume everyone would be happier single? Absolutely not.
Do I know that I am? Categorically yes.
Is the way I live right for everyone? Definitely not.
Is the way I live right for me? Most certainly.

It isn't difficult.

Why would you think it was threatening that you are single ? Who's assuming now ?

What's offensive is ths view that a father and their investment in their child's lives by living with them is "not important". It is important.

Why would you think it was threatening that you are single ? Who's assuming now ?

Because they told me when we were discussing it.

What's offensive is ths view that a father and their investment in their child's lives by living with them is "not important". It is important

No. You THINK it’s important. I disagree.

As I keep saying there are plenty of ways a child can have positive role models. Biological parents aren’t the only ones. To suggest otherwise is very narrow minded.

Where is the threat ? How utterly bizzare that someone would say that.

Do you think that your role wrt to your daughter could be equally fulfilled if you didn't live with her ?

Do you think that your role wrt to your daughter could be equally fulfilled if you didn't live with her?

Yes.

Oh well, well I completely disagree with you on that one. Most parents like to live with their kids.

Sorry for the serial OP.

Galatea I'm all for diverse opinions but I find yours a bit strange because you seem to be suggesting women who don't want to be in a couple hate men or are some kind of female version of a misogynist. FWIW I don't hate men AT ALL and have male friends and relatives

If I met a man who said to me, I've had a bad marriage and I've decided to bring up my dcs and focus on my career and hobbies now rather than relationships I'd think: absolutely fair enough. I would think he was a sensible chap tbh. People don't have to be in a relationship.

As for men not being of use etc, well I was married when I had dcs and believed in that. I would never have chosen to be single. Exh left to do his own thing and I had to cope. As the years went on I went from not wanting to be on my own, to coping with it, to enjoying it, much to my surprise really. I started making plans for my future, focussing on career and dcs and hobbies. To the point where it would actually be a bit selfish to expect a man to fit in with my plans. Nor do I want to subject my dcs to a relationship or expect a man to step in to my family. But as per this thread, some people won't have that, and insist I should be trying to find a man and couple up.

Also as pp said, I neither have encountered all these men who supposedly don't want relationships. But if they existed then so what. Nobody minds. Good luck to them.

I've been single for a decade now.
Try to avoid the how long have you been single questions as I find people judge me when they hear how long I've been single.
TBH the time has gone quick bringing up my dd alone from birth has meant I've not had loads of time to dwell but guess as she gets older it will hit me more.
Once you've been single so long ppl give up asking they just assume that I've given up looking! .

I never said anyone hated men, or that not wanting to be in a relationship is evidence of hatred of men.

What i took offence at is the idea that resident fathers are not important to a child. Some people are in that situation not through their own choosing I understand that. But others might not be.

I neither have encountered all these men who supposedly don't want relationships.

So you just assume that single men are looking for partners then ? Bit ironic given the thread.

I don't assume they're looking for partners or not galatea It's just not my experience that I've heard any men say they are happier single or have stopped looking. I really don't care either way.

Oh well, well I completely disagree with you on that one. Most parents like to live with their kids

That isn’t what you asked was it?

Nice try though.

That isn’t what you asked was it?

What isn't what I asked ?

You believe that a child having a father is not important, that is what you said and is evidenced by the fact that you would rather be inseminated with donor sperm than find a man to raise a child with. If that doesn't say something about how you view men and their role in raising kids, then I don't know what does.

If a man said "woman are OK for casual sex and to provide children, but a relationship ? No way !" He would rightly be called a misogynist.

Now, if the child happens to have a father, it is not important that they live with the child.

However, you like to live with your own child, and you think your role in living with your child is important since you said it is the best thing in the world earlier on.

If you think that your role in your daughters life is not important and she could live with anyone as long as she has some female role models, then you are not a hypocrite.

Do you think that your role wrt to your daughter could be equally fulfilled if you didn't live with her ?

This is what you asked. Not whether I wanted to live with her.

Of course I want to live with her. However I acknowledge that my role could be fulfilled by important female role models and in fact it’s healthy to have other important adults in your life

However I acknowledge that my role could be fulfilled by important female role models and in fact it’s healthy to have other important adults in your life

The role of a mum cannot be entirely fulfilled by "important female role models", and I'm surprised as a mum yourself you would think that. Research shows that children do better when raised by their biological parents.

This has nothing to do with people feeling threatened by your desire to be single. It has to do with your attitude towards men, which you did not bother to address, so I guess we are done.

Sorry for derailing your thread OP.

It has to do with your attitude towards men, which you did not bother to address, so I guess we are done

I did address. I said I didn’t have one and you merely assumed. Which is correct.

It’s a shame you derailed an otherwise interesting thread with such a simple error.

I said I didn’t have one and you merely assumed.

lol.

You do have one - which is why you would NEVER want a relationship with a man and why you think that kids do not need fathers, evidenced by your preference for sperm donation over an actual real and involved father. You can say "I don't have a problem with men" all you like but people can read.

You do have one - which is why you would NEVER want a relationship with a man and why you think that kids do not need fathers, evidenced by your preference for sperm donation over an actual real and involved father. You can say "I don't have a problem with men" all you like but people can read

Reading between the lines and coming to a wrong conclusion isn’t actually reading.

Just FYI I’m bi and don’t want a relationship with a male or female. I was quite clear I didn’t want to be part of a couple.

I have many very positive relationships with men in my life. I just don’t want to be in a couple as my very first post said.