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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not put the heating on for this?!

327 replies

jiroej · 04/11/2018 09:54

I feel the cold, and we have had the heating on a few times on chilly evenings this year. However, we live in a well insulated flat, and it's still relatively mild in the south east.

I haven't put the timer on for the mornings yet as a) it's not that cold and b) we get up, get dressed, and go to work for 10 hours, so I feel it's a waste of money to heat up the place just to quickly leave. Once we start getting frosts though, we will put it on.

However, DP now wants to put the heating on for an hour every morning from now on, whatever the temperature, for one reason: to heat up his work shirt before putting it on. It's causing a lot of arguments, as he thinks it's worth paying for, whereas I think it's a pathetic and ridiculous reason to put the heating on before it's actually cold enough to.

He thinks I am BU, but I don't find it cold enough in the mornings to put the heating on and put our bills up. AIBU to keep pushing back and saying no? I know it's a sillt issue as the heating will be on in the mornings anyway in a few weeks, but right now it's an issue and I don't know if I'm being unfair or not?

OP posts:
SnipSnipMrBurgess · 04/11/2018 14:56

What's this shite coming from posters? " oh I couldn't be with a man who wants a warm shirt" " wet" "pathetic"

What charmers you are.

There are small comforts in life sometimes. Do I NEED to have bubbles in the bath? No, but I want them and can afford them. Do I NEED to have sweets and choc in my house? No but I want them and can afford them.

GreenTulips · 04/11/2018 14:58

SnipSnipMrBurgess

Those example don't actually affect anyone else do they?

GunpowderGelatine · 04/11/2018 15:00

If a woman had popped in to say "My DH won't let me put the heating on in the morning to warm my clothes up" there'd be cries of LTB and logging it with 101

TokenGinger · 04/11/2018 15:01

@SnipSnipMrBurgess Couldn't agree more. I'd feel fecking awful if my DP was cold in the house. I'd feel even worse if he felt he needed to ask to put the heating on.

I was freezing before, I said I'm just gonna put the heating on for a bit.

That was it. No argument. No pathetic, snowflake comments. Just, "Okay, put your dressing gown on too and get nice and warmed up."

chillpizza · 04/11/2018 15:20

If the house was warm the clothes wouldn’t actually feel cold. Sounds like his asked for the heating to be on before and has been told no so is now using shirts as a new way to try and get it on.

Not everyone’s house has temp controlled heating for those wondering. Ours didn’t until we installed it this year and it won’t when we leave as we will pay to have it uninstalled, it was just on or off meaning we would have to guess what times the house would be cold often waking at 3am freezing cold or boiling hot if it hadn’t ended up being cold like we guessed it would be or it had been when we thought it wouldn’t be. Then the heating always used to be set to come on half and hour before the first person was due out of bed to take the chill off. It’s bad enough getting up when it’s dark let alone dark and cold.

Vixxxy · 04/11/2018 15:48

Sounds like his asked for the heating to be on before and has been told no so is now using shirts as a new way to try and get it on.

Yup, sounds that way to me too.

I cannot understand this at all. Unless there is a real poverty situation going on, which would make it make sense, if you were truly on the breadline. If not, I cannot imagine telling my DH that he had to be cold, just because I am not cold. The 'you cannot eat as I am not hungry' is quite a good analogy.

OhEctoplasmOnIt · 04/11/2018 15:50

I hate when one person in the house makes decisions about the heating. Me and my husband don't even ask each other. So controlling.

tiggerkid · 04/11/2018 15:57

Whether he is contributing to the cost of heating or not, it's the man the OP chooses to live with as her other half. Surely, if the person you supposedly love and care about feels cold and wants the heating on for one hour, you don't want to be saying no unless you are so strapped for cash that every step you take matters?

Imagine if he said you can't have dinner today because he isn't feeling hungry? Or that you can't spend any money on makeup because he doesn't?

OP, I am really sorry to say this but if you want to decide and control everything that happens in the house, perhaps, living alone is an option that ought to be considered?

PickAChew · 04/11/2018 15:58

Has the OP frozen solid?

babydreamer1 · 04/11/2018 16:02

How mean! YABVU. Just because you don't feel the cold it doesn't mean he doesn't either. It's horrible to get out of your warm bed or the shower in to a cold house. I feel so sorry for your DP having to be cold in his own home. Do you also control when he has a shower or uses the kettle? They cost money too. You sound really unkind.

Mangoo · 04/11/2018 16:08

Just imagine the different comments if this were a husband telling a wife she couldn't put the heating on for one hour in the morning to heat her clothes because she was cold in her own home.

There would be screams of LTB, controlling, absue, red flags etc...

It's your husband's house too and I assume he pays toward the bills? I would be so mad if my DP thought he could dictate to me like that in my own home or thought it was enough to actually argue over.

It's an hour. Why is it such a problem to do something that would be nice for your DH? I really think this is such a non issue, I don't understand why it's causing conflict unless you really are so strapped for money you couldn't afford it.

All those calling OPs husband a snowflake or pathetic... Really! Get a grip. Its not 'unmanly' to be cold, how pathetic.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 04/11/2018 16:08

Well it’s not quite the same as ‘you can’t eat because I’m not hungry’ as the ops eating wouldn’t affect her dps fullness whereas the dp putting the heating on will affect the ops temperature.
BUT an hour in the cold mornings isn’t going to make her uncomfortably hot. In fact, it will probably be more pleasant even if she wouldn’t actually bother for herself.
Not letting a partner put the heating on for a short while is controlling imo and unless you can’t afford it (which I’m sure would have been mentioned in the op) tight as well.

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 04/11/2018 16:25

@GreenTulips

How does it affect OP

DanielRicciardosSmile · 04/11/2018 16:30

There's nothing worse than getting out of a shower into a cold room, drying with a cold towel and then putting on cold clothes. And that's as someone who grew up in a house with no heating except a gas fire in the living room. Even then my mum used to hang my school shirts on the back of a chair by the fire so they were warm to get into.

Unless you're living on the poverty line, I don't think having the heating on for an hour in the morning in November is an unreasonable request.

tiggerkid · 04/11/2018 16:34

Well it’s not quite the same as ‘you can’t eat because I’m not hungry’ as the ops eating wouldn’t affect her dps fullness whereas the dp putting the heating on will affect the ops temperature.

This isn't the issue she is raising at all. Her issue isn't with the cost that one extra hour of heating would add. Therefore, the comparison with dinner is still valid: if the DP doesn't need the heating on because she doesn't think it's cold, then she doesn't need dinner if he isn't hungry. And certainly nobody needs a cup of tea if he doesn't feel like one as that would involve boiling a kettle for one person and wasting electricity.

tiggerkid · 04/11/2018 16:35

Her issue isn't with the cost that one extra hour of heating would add.

Meant to say is with the cost...

tiggerkid · 04/11/2018 16:37

There are small comforts in life sometimes.

Completely agree.

BumsexAtTheBingo · 04/11/2018 16:40

I agree the op is out of order I just think heating the house is something where you need to consider everyone who lives there whereas feeding yourself only concerns you.
I agree that an hour in the morning isn’t an unreasonable request though and the op is being tight and selfish to argue over it.

tiggerkid · 04/11/2018 16:51

I agree the op is out of order I just think heating the house is something where you need to consider everyone who lives there whereas feeding yourself only concerns you.

I see your point. The only reason I drew the parallel with food is precisely because I think the OP is being very controlling and if any part of the budget is shared at all, then her other half could just as easily come up with nonsense like she doesn't need a cup of tea if he isn't having one. The bills are shared after all.

If I am completely honest, I think it's pretty amazing he is having this conversation with her at all instead of just putting the heating on!

I also absolutely agree with other comments: unfortunately if we flipped this situation around and it was a woman saying her husband or partner doesn't let her put the heating on, everyone would be screaming murder.

I am honestly delighted to see that many ladies here see sense for what it is and don't view men as anything less for simply wanting to be warm in own home!

SuchAToDo · 04/11/2018 17:10

Op it's only an op, don't be so controlling...you might not feel cold but he could...why do you get to have final say?..are you controlling in other areas of your life too?

We have the heating on for an hour at morning and an hour at bedtime, (I'm in uk ) because I don't like being cold, I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who told me I couldn't have the heating on for one hour at morning in my own home...I feel sorry for your dp...you could at least find a compromise with him so you both win,

SuchAToDo · 04/11/2018 17:13

*op it's only an hour...not op it's only an op....damn autocorrectBlush

Original poster
jiroej · 04/11/2018 17:29

It seems most think I am BU. But there are a few things I should add:

a) He and the flat are not cold - the thermometer rarely says it's under 17C and if it is, the heating goes on

b) He even opens the bedroom windows at night, because he LIKES being cold to sleep, (despite me wanting them closed)

c) However, he refuses to wear a t-shirt to sleep, so it will obviously be colder in the mornings

d) The ONLY reason he wants the heating on right now is for the shirt - his mum used to warm them up for him and he's used to it

OP posts:
skybluee · 04/11/2018 17:30

I've never had to warm clothes up - he obviously is cold to want that.

Personally I wouldn't want anyone I loved to feel cold. So, I'd just say it was fine to put the heating on. Problem solved.

SuchAToDo · 04/11/2018 17:35

a) He and the flat are not cold - the thermometer rarely says it's under 17C and if it is, the heating goes on

Op just because YOU say the flat is not cold, doesn't mean he isn't feeling cold, everybody is different, some people feel the cold easily than others, a person doesn't say they are feeling cold just for fun, if he is cold he should be able to put the heating on in his own home without you getting controlling...I couldn't personally put up with that in a relationship, being told by another if I was warm or cold (I know if I'm warm or cold...and so does your dp...if he wants the heating on he's cold for God sake)

Bluntness100 · 04/11/2018 17:36

Are you in some way related to the op who has just binned her long term live in partner becayse he "stole" her electricity?

The way people live. I can't imagine asking my husbands permission to put the heating on, I can't imagine him asking mine. If one of us wishes it on, it goes on.

So yes, for me you're being unreasonable. And I'm glad as heck I don't live with you and have to put up with you bossing me around and telling me what I could and couldn't do in my own home. Although to be honest. You'd try it once.

I see you're not married, and I'd have to guess you never will be to each other.

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