If you were on the fence about having kids, how did things work out for you?

[panticus]

I'd love to hear from those of you who found it hard to decide whether or not to have kids. Did you end up deciding to take the plunge, or to stay childfree? And how do you feel about that decision now?

I'm now 33.5 years old and am finding it so hard to decide what to do! Husband and I are very happily married and to be honest, don't have any strong desire to have kids. But I know that I need to make a decision one way or another relatively soon given my age. Being a totally over-analytical type I have put far too much time into considering the pros and cons and am still undecided.

On the pro side, the key points are:

• I quite like the idea of having an adult child. I have a great relationship with my parents and my in-laws (who are dear friends), and would love the idea of this continuing through another generation.
• We are financially comfortable and could afford childcare etc so I would not need to be a SAHP (also, parents and in-laws would be very supportive in terms of providing care etc).

On the con side:

• To be perfectly frank, I don't enjoy the company of children Maybe it is due to me being an introvert, but their constant demands and the noise levels completely wear me down. I have nieces and nephews and most of my close friends already have kids, so have spent a lot of time around them.
• I don't have any burning desire to have them. Friends with kids have told me not to have them unless I am 100% sure, but I find that somewhat challenging to digest (particularly as I am quite sure that most of them weren't 100% themselves).

I've read a lot of material about kids v no kids both on MN and the internet more generally, but a lot of people seem to feel so strongly either way - ie they either knew from a young age that they couldn't wait to start a family or that they never ever wanted kids. I feel somewhere in the middle - I really don't know what "my heart is telling me to do", as the advice so often suggests

Did anyone else feel the same way? How did it work out?

I had the choice taken out of my hands. Was on the pill and took the MAP with all 3 pregnancies (currently pregnant with DC3)

With DC1 I did not feel maternal etc. At all before. I thought I didn't want kids. But then when the pregnancy hormones kicked in magic happened. I became maternal not just to my own kids but others. I became a mother before she was even born. It was amazing. And have never regretted the decision to keep her, her brother, or this current pregnancy, even though unplanned, I believe it was meant to be. So they found a way to be born despite the contraceptives!

After years of us both not wanting DC and not being fussed about other people's DC (aside from my DN), DH suggested it.

We had DS on the basis that there was nothing we wanted to do that felt more fulfilling than having a DC would be. Plus nights out didn't appeal so much any more.

DS was born when I was nearly 35. We decided to not have any more and it's the right balance for us.

I really didn't want to have children. My husband really wanted to have four. My husband was actually going to leave me if I wasn't willing to have at least one child (this may make him sound like a dick, he's really not, he's just always wanted to be a dad!).

So, I agreed to start trying. We got pregnant after one period and I was floored. I'd thought we'd be trying for ages!

All through my pregnancy I thought I'd made a mistake. I didn't want my life to change. I didn't want my career to be over. I didn't want to be a mum.

It was honestly the best thing I've ever done. I love being a mum. I'm so glad I had him.

I should add that he's 5, it's wonderful and we don't regret it for a moment.

Husband wanted them for years. He doesn't know many babies or children so although good playing with 7yos I don't think he understood the work thay went into younger children.
I said no for years, I am the oldest of 8 and on the other side saw they were a lot of time and effort and selfishly wanted DH all to myself.
I decided yes in the end, I can't even remember what made me change my mind. Best thing I ever did.
I was scared throughout the pregnancy that I'd he a shit mom, I wouldn't feel a bond.
Even now I dislike other people's children and haven't got the patience to play or look after them. I am shit with children in general, because to be quite honest, I don't really care about them. The same way I would hold a door open for a stranger, because it's polite but I'm kind of "eh" either way.
My own son is my world, I have patience and love for him, I am proud of him everyday, things I never thought would make me smile (a baby waving) but when it's him it makes my day.
This isn't for everyone, but for me the fact he is my child has made all the difference in the world.

I too really wasn't bothered, but DH was keen and I thought I'd give it a go. As cheesy as it sounds, the second DS was born I realised that this is what I was meant to do. I have 2 DC now and like most parents love them beyond measure.

To be honest, I'm still not that fond of other people's children, but I love being a mum, for me it was absolutely the right decision.

I wasn't bothered about kids, but my DH wanted them. We've got two, now aged 3 and 5.

Whilst I still don't really like kids as such, I do like (and love, of course!) my own. I enjoy being around them, they are fun and make me laugh. So much so that I chose to be a SAHM until a year ago and now only do 2 days a week. I also don't use all of my free childcare hours, because I don't want to - if rather be with them iyswim. All in all it's a really positive experience and a challenge I really enjoy. I think because I'm not particularly maternal I look at it a bit like a project that I want to excel at.

However, they are still young. There's so much parenting still to do and I do worry that I could still change my mind and even blame DH for getting us into this!

Yeah, I was hitting 40 and married years and years and years, very contentedly.

We decided it was literally now or never and on the balance of probability it was a decent idea. As you can see, we were very passionate about it!

We had 2 in 2 years.

It's great fun, nobody ever talks about the laughter. They are hilarious little people. I really look forward to the rest of their childhood. It's going to be great fun.

Also we have no money worries as we're older. We can save for their future without too much stress. (But then we're not doing fee paying schools or any of that stuff which really drains the coffers)

Cons: every con you've ever read about the baby stage. I did not enjoy the first year of either of their lives. It was like being in the bloody trenches and after doing it twice I am 100% done. I had PND with the 2nd one, which I had medication for. But it ends. And after they hit 2 they become especially funny and enjoyable, well 18 months really.

We were both unsure, backwards and forwards on it - I think if we had gotten pregnant without trying we would have been happy about it but that was never a possibility, and actively trying is a big step.

I got pregnant at exactly your age, as soon as we started trying. At 12 weeks found out it was twins.

We have had a tough road - one twin has various disabilities including visual impairment, delays across the board, and still being investigated for other issues. The other twin is showing some potential signs of ASD, waiting for speech and language therapy for both as they’re 25 months and not talking at all. If you’d asked me if I wanted to be in a situation where I had a disabled child, possibly two, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine myself coping with that.

But they are my whole world and make me so happy. Of course it’s hav

Sorry... of course it’s hard but it’s also the best thing I’ve ever done.

Was on the pill and took the MAP with all 3 pregnancies

How on earth does this work? Did you take the MAP after every time you had sex?

I was always unsure and I therefore decided not to have children. And I am 100% glad I made that decision as my husband and I have a great life - more money and freedom etc. I'm not a fan of other people's children but I do adore my nieces, nephews and god children and they're enough for me 

I think very few people are dead set either way with regard to having children but overall I thought if we did have them, and regretted it, that would be far, far worse position to be in than not having them and regretting it. And to date, not one single regret!

I have two daughters and I love them dearly.
However having two babies has taken its toll on my physical and mental health.
I was on the fence, if I had my time again I'm not certain that I would.
Having kids changes your relationship with your partner, if there are any cracks they are smashed wider and you see each other warts and all. It definitely doesn't bring you closer.
So whilst my children are lovely, I don't find being a mother fulfilling and I don't miss them if I leave them with grandparents etc.
The problem is that it's really hard to understand what parenting is like when you aren't a parent. You can objectively try to understand it but you don't have all the emotion that comes with it. I cringe now when I think of some of the shit I came out with when I was expecting. And number 1 hit me like a sledgehammer.
You do gain a new respect for your own parents and feel bad for what you put them through.
I don't know if I have been any help, I'm just trying to be honest.
You may love it, you may hate it, you may be ambivalent. But you can't know till you have done it and then you can't hand them back.
Also there is a fetishism around motherhood and parenting that is reflected in all the gooey shite of a million insta posts etc which is frankly bollocks. It's 90% hard work and losing your marbles for 10% rewards of magic moments.
There is also a conspiracy of silence about this.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

We went through a period when we had decided not to have children. Then we (me actually) thought maybe we should try, just in case if later regrets. However it did not happen naturally and we decided that we didn’t feel inclined to pursue assistance but would let fate decide.

I also don’t really like children, neither does DH, although I am sure I would love my own. But I don’t like them generally and children’s activities don’t look like something I would enjoy.

I also did think about it being nice to have ab adult child, but there are no guarantees of their being a good relationship anyway. I have one friend with adult children and to be honest it has been hell, I would hate to have her life.

I am too old now, 48. Honestly, yes, I sometimes feel a little sad, but most of the time I am happy with my lot in life.

@sinkgirl it's lovely to see your post. I'm similar in a way. I was never maternal and agreed to give it a go because my husband really wanted to be a dad! I was on the fence. My son is on the waiting list for an ASD assessment at 3.5 and the life we have with him isn't the one I envisaged!! But he's brilliant and I love him with all my heart 

Nice thread OP. I've just started to ttc after being in a similar position to you for years.

I'd be interested to hear from fellow introverts. How do you cope with the constant noise? I feel like I'd be able to deal with the crying baby stage but I'm not sure about the constantly talking, playing loudly stage! Although I'm sure I'll love my own DC more than anything, I don't enjoy being around children at all. I love the idea of a baby and a teenager/adult but worry how I'll cope with the 'noisy' years in between

I've never had a desire to have children. I find that the constant noise and need for attention irritates the hell out of me. I also find it a little self-indulgent that people have this need to produce mini-versions of themselves. My feelings have never really wavered. I had a slight wobble as I reached my late 30s thinking that I was closing the door on children for ever and what if I suddenly decided I want them when it becomes biologically too late. But it was more about not liking closing the door on an opportunity rather than my feelings about children changing.

As a childfree person, I have lost friends over the years as they started having children and their lives became just too busy/different to fit in someone who didn't also have children. I still find kids really dull. I am better at faking interest these days but my heart still sinks when someone says they're bringing their kids along. Part of the reason I am on MN is so I can better understand people with kids and their perspective and the challenges they face so I can be a better friend. But what it has confirmed for me is that I have no regrets about not having children. It was and is the right decision for me.

We couldn't decide either, left it until we were 35 and still couldn't decide. Also didn't particularly like other peoples children with one niece being the exception because we knew her really well through babysitting overnight every other weekend while her single mum did nightshifts.

Then we took a risk based basically on the fact we didn't know anyone who regretted having children (even the 40 yr old who said she never wanted them and want maternal was besotted with her unplanned child).

My only regret is we never did it sooner as we never managed a dc2.

Now we have ds(14) I'll never know if I would have regretted never having children, maybe I would have also been happy child free. If at 33 you are undecided you are going to have to take a risk soon and decide one way or the other, personally dh and I werent even 50% sure about being parents and raising a child but we knew we were responsible enough to be parents and in our guts in the future we'd regret not trying.

Oh you sound a lot like me OP. We ended up going for it, mostly based on the fact that I didn't want to regret not having a child further down the line. Which is probably not the basis for which this momentous decision should be made, but there we are.

If I knew then, what I know now, I'm not sure I would have had any. Don't get me wrong, I love my child more than anything, but it's just so hard. I find the constant demands on my attention very difficult.

I like to live a quiet life and that does not lend itself well to having children! I just didn't realise how important that was to me until it was too late to turn back the clock.

All I can say, is that it gets better the older they get. 1-3 is hard to put into words and I found myself constantly bouncing from one emotion to another - love, laughter, pride, frustration, desperation, anxiousness, happiness, depression......

It's such a hard decision to finally take the plunge and if you're anything like me, it may just come down to the fear of regretting not having children.

From 20, i knew i didnt want to be a Mum. I am selfish really, plus Aspergers means i crave my own space and quiet time the way an extrovert craves company.
The NHS refused to sterilise me, unfortunately.
I fell pg aged 32 and was devastated. I booked a t.o.p but sat crying in the bath realising i couldn't do it as it wasn't the baby's fault.
The pregnancy was easy physically, i was lucky. Mentally it was bad.
Birth was awful. I didn't bond. I couldn't name my child for the full 3 weeks.
We argued on the registry office steps over the name.
I struggled to cope i was overwhelmed. I didn't enjoy those times.
At 18 months she started breath holding in temper or if she hurt herself. Many times, i had to put cold water on her face to shock her into breathing after she went floppy. Horrific and terrifying.
I resented the fact my life had changed and regretted my choice. My partner was fucking useless and we nearly split up before 1 year. If you have cracks, a baby will blow them apart.
It didn't make us closer. We had tiredness competitions. Ridiculous.
I cried (privately) on her birthday until she hit 5 and then felt grateful we were both alive. That was the last time i cried on her birthday.
It got better at 5....i also started work then.
She's 12 now and i still don't think I'm capable and worry about whether i have the skills to do a good job to adulthood.
But i am proud of her and want the best of her. I encourage her and see myself as more of a rock or anchor than a friend. I represent constancy and stability. Others can provide fun and excitement.
Given my time again, i would have got sterilised privately.

This is a really interesting thread. I'm 38 and still on the fence, but it's approaching the now or never stage! Logically, there are many reasons why having children would be a bad idea as we would struggle financially and I think I would struggle emotionally due to lack of sleep, hormones etc. So on paper it's a no but my heart (and my hormones!) are still saying, ah, but maybe we could... It is such a difficult decision as obviously you don't want to end up with regrets either way.

When I was in my teens I was adamant I wasn't going to have children. There was a big gap between my younger sibling and myself and although I loved them dearly, I just didn't like the idea of being a parent after all the days and evenings of babysitting.

Then I met my partner in my early 20s. Gradually over time, I thought about life and what I wanted from our future together. My partner very much wanted children. It became a natural step. Unlike others I gradually changed my mind. As it turned out, we were already at a point where we were having fertility issues and had to go through fertility services to conceive our DC.

I, like you, am extremely analytical and examine every decision to the nth degree. I also really value time to myself to recuperate after being around people; children are very full on. It is hard work and young children are stressful, but they are young for such a short period and then they grow up. Bringing up children is fraught with decision, after stressful decision.

If you are uncertain either way, you just have to at some point, make the decision. I don't agree that being a mother starts when you find out you're pregnant, I think for some there isn't an instant bond. It took time for me to feel anything more than a protective instinct for my child.

I never liked children, never even played with dolls. I had a child because it was the next step after marriage and I thought I might regret it later down the line. I love my daughter very much and am expecting my second. Still not bothered about other people's kids though. Not even little babies.

A pp asked about dealing with noise.
I had to wear earplugs from dawn to dusk....abd they only muffled it a bit.
I've got overly sensitive hearing which is a right pain around kids....and noisy adults.

The bit where they talk constantly and give you very little peace is extremely hard, that's what it is.

I found i couldn't do without at least trying to have a child, and then got pregnant when it was all still a bit theoretical. It has been both much better and much worse than i thought it would be. I certainly didn't feel having a baby changed my personality unfortunately and if you are introverted you find the breaches in your space hard - im an extrovert and my mood used to plunge unless i was with other adults, i would happily have moved into a commune with ds when he was small. I certainly had tomes of regret. On the plus side, it just got better and better as he got older and thete was more socialising involved.